Hey all, just looking for a bit of advice really.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years and we're very much in love. Before I met him I was with a man for 8 years...an alcoholic who lost his sex drive about 2 years into our relationship. He was quite abusive, both physically and mentally, he put me down a lot and rejected any kind of advances to the point where we didn't sleep in the same bed, didn't kiss or even flirt. I thought when he stopped drinking his sex drive would come back, but 4 years into our "relationship", he stopped drinking, his sex drive didn't come back. Every time I would try to initiate anything I was pushed away, he told me he had no interest in sex whatsoever and so I should stop trying to initiate anything with him and deal with t. So I learnt not to want/expect/initiate it over time and it kinda became normal to shut off those feelings. As you can imagine, I lost a lot of confidence, thought it must be be...he didn't fancy me any more or whatever...I asked him every few months to go see the doctor, see if he could get help...he never did. It was a really messed up relationship and towards the end I had no confidence whatsoever and was really miserable, I felt desperate for some attention and intimacy...but by this stage, not with him, so I ended up dumping him, finally.
After that things were great, I had a couple of "flings" and a lot of my sexual confidence came back. Before I met my ex I had a very high sex drive, loved to flirt and be adventurous and experiment, I really had no issues at all with sex.
Then I met my boyfriend. He's just the most wonderful guy. He tells me several times a day he loves me, I feel completely secure in our relationship and the future we have planned, but when it comes to sex, I suck, BIG time. I do not know what's wrong with me. I have no confidence at ALL, to the point where it paralyses me...I cannot initiate sex, ever. The first few months were good...but slowly, and it seems to be as I fell in love with him and started to care about what he thought about me, I just can't do it. I never initiate it...even when I want it I won't tell him. When he initiates it, I tell him no, even though I want it...when we do do it I feel awkward, clumsy, embarrassed and insecure about myself. I love it and he's great in bed, but I can't let myself relax or let myself go...it's like this little voice in my head telling me I'm not attractive, that it'll put him off me, that if I initiate it he might say no and reject me, that I'm not good enough...I just feel so anxious, even when I want it and even when I'm enjoying it, this little voice in my head won't go away. I won't ever do it in the day light, I push him away. Everything else in our relationship is near enough perfect and I know it's my fault that the intimate side of things isn't so good.
I hate it! I just feel really messed up. He says he doesn't mind that I don't initiate it but does wonder why, and I don't know how to explain it to him without sounding nuts.
How do I get my confidence back?