Need to talk in person but it can't happen.

[bigumbang]

Hello everybody, I am new on here and just wanting some advice. Fair warning, this might get a little long.

My girlfriend of a year and I just moved in together. Things are great. However, one small thing just came up (of course, the week of us moving in together and signing a 6 month lease) that is a cause for concern.

Back in the very early months of our relationship, we had a discussion about social contact with the opposite sex, which she initiated. She basically said her "rule" was, she is fine with me being in contact with other girls long as it is platonic and not with exs. I agreed that this sounded good.

A couple months later she tells me she is texting this guy who is from another state she was romantically involved with before moving to my area where we met. She said she was still friends with him and that he had tried to start up a sexual conversation a few weeks ago which she thought was less than appropriate. Then she says she had talked to him again that morning because she was concerned for his well being (she thought he may be suicidal)

This struck me as off in two ways: 1) it seemed totally hypocritical considering our previous conversation about "rules" and 2) If this guy was trying to get some jollys out of her, fully knowing she is attached, why did she not just drop contact with him then and there when it happened.

This whole thing was the only real issue we've ever really had in our year together.

We discussed it. She told me he was just a friend now but understood my point of view. I didn't tell her to drop contact with him, I left the decision up to her while reminding her of the "rule" she brought up previously. If I remember right (and I don't recall exact wording) She told me she would end contact with him cause she cared about me and my feeling good about our relationship. All seemed well. Any time she was going to be doing something with friends of the opposite sex, she fully volunteered the information of when, where and what they would be doing because she wanted my full trust. I didn't even ask disclose this information to me, she did it of her own initiative, which I thought was considerate.

Fast forward 7 month, we moved in to our new place last friday and on sunday she leaves on a week long trip with a female college roommate (this I know for sure is happening) I am at home setting up our network and media server today. I turn on her Xbox to set it up on our network, as she asked. *Boom* new message. Out of instinct I hit view now, without thinking about it, considering I do this all of the time on my own Xbox and there is a message from Ex-y, to her, dated 4 days ago...

It was completely benign, just said "I am doing alright, thanks for asking, here is what is going on in my sick, sad, lonely life, blah blah bah, how are you" But considering that she told me she had cut this low-balling, scumbag off several months ago, this took me back a bit. I need to talk to her about this NOW. Unfortunately, she is 4 states away and over the phone and text are not great ways to talk about these things but I can't wait a week, this is nagging at me. I send her a text to call me ASAP without giving her the details.

She calls, she is panicked thinking there was a death or job loss of something. I tell her nothing like that and talk about ex man's message. She tells me she is annoyed, saying I scared her that there was an emergency. I told her I just needed to understand what was going on here, I thought you, of your own doing, cut this all off in December. In a less than patient voice she tells me how she had contacted him recently to see how he was doing, knowing he was going through a tough time, last they talked. I told her this is not something that was OK considering their past relationship and her "rule" about exs, especially, considering how he had tried to play fast and loose on her after we were dating. She starts defending him saying, he has no one else to talk to. I want to be helpful and an occasional text might save his life and so on. The real weird thing is, she defends his sexually forward come ons as well. She says "You have to understand where this would be a hard habit for him to break, we had texted every day for over a year before I met you. Sexual texts being part of what we texted, it's hard to just stop that routine at the drop of a hat"

Then she comes out with an analogy about me and my male buddy from work saying "You hang around with Jeff at work all the time and have for two years. What if, now that you have a new positions where you don't work with him anymore, I said 'I don't want you talking with Jeff anymore unless absolutely necessary for work. His sense of humor, the questionable GIFs he sends you, the jokes you two tell to each other, they all make me uncomfortable'? That is not the case but hypothetically, what if? And then after you say you won't talk with him, he sends you a stupid dirty joke and you laugh and respond with a counter-joke out of habit. I would be understanding of that. I feel like this is the same" I told her that I feel this is way different, a girl not liking a boyfriends friends sense of humor doesn't even compare to sexual conversations with an ex. She apologizes and says she will show me the whole recent text conversation with the guy as well as the Xbox conversation when she gets back but still sort of acts like it isn't a big deal. She says she is sorry but really has to go, as I hear her roommate reminding her that their movie is about to start in the background.

Now, the fact that I didn't talk to her in person to see her body language with all this, along with the rushed conversation bothers me. It also bothers me that she acts like this is not really a big deal. I am also feeling weird about her analogy and the fact that she said she would be understanding of a counter-joke. Which makes me wonder if she was getting busy with this guy over texts after we had been dating because she never expressly said she didn't reciprocate the sex talk. I just trusted she didn't... but my trust in her trust is a little shaky right now.

I guess my main thing is that this crap is going to eat at me until I can have a good conversation with her about it and know what is really going down but that can't happen until she gets back sunday.

Opinions here, do you think I am making too big a deal out of this or am I justified? Would this situation bring the trust of your significant other into question for you? I dunno, this is bothering me more than I would like it to.

[TablesandChairs]

I'm friends with 2 of my ex's; no issues on my fiancee's behalf, he's usually there when we talk or catch up. But there is absolutely no sexual talk of any kind, ever. Not even jokingly.