Heartbroken and confused and need some clarity after possible infidelity and breakup

[lovelylady35]

Id been having a bad feeling about my boyfriend cheating and prayed to God for a sign, or for my boyfriend to admit that he has been cheating. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right, and I found out he even lied to me about a party he went to last weekend and said he didn't tell me because we had been having problems and he just wanted to spend time with friends. I don't care if he goes to a party I just don't like being lied to or things being hidden from me. We have had a few breakups and problems throughout our relationship. As I was cleaning yesterday, out of no where I found a reciept for flowers. When I called him about it, he said he didn't know where the reciept came from. It had the last 4 digits of his debit card. He then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't have been snooping around (which I wasn't) and that it was his money and he could do what he wanted. He bought them near his jobsite, and he doesn't have family in the area. He says he didn't give them to another woman, and he wasn't going to tell me who they were for because it was not my business and he felt I was trying to find something and felt like I was controlling him. I even let him explain himself so I would not think the worst, and he refused to tell me and said it was my choice to trust him or not. Just giving me a peace of mind wasn't important enough for him to tell me the truth. He even gave me the choice to stay with him or leave and said I could take my time to make my decision. Of course I wanted to believe him and was willing to work it out, but when I said he didn't have to be with me, he said he was done just like every other time when things got hard or he was mad at me. To this day he refuses to tell me what they were for telling me he knows the truth and that's all that matters and I could believe what I wanted to, but I don't deserve to know the truth after the mean things I said to him after we broke up. He lied and broke my heart again...how was I supposed to respond?

I am left thoroughly confused and heartbroken after this past year with this man. He came onto me so strong after wanting me for 2 years. He was off and on with his ex when we met, and they too had many problems. From what I heard, she was very insecure, jealous, and controlling. During the course of their down times in the relationship when he would see me, he was very flirtatious. I thought he was genuinely interested in me so when we were both officially single, I gave him a chance. I was blown away with how kind and good he was to me. But anytime I brought up any issues, he would get upset and tell me he wouldn't support it. I acted like any normal person would in a relationship...sure I had my few jealous moments and questions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I always tried to understand him and know more about him and his reasons for doing things but he didn't want me to ask too many questions and told me to just go with the flow often. I never stopped him from doing anything and I was always there to support him and do anything I could to help him in his hard times. He knew I loved him, and his friend and brother said he felt the same about me, but he clearly told me more than once "Im not the kind of guy to tell you I love you. You will never hear me say it." He talked about marriage and kids with me several times, and said he wanted those things with me, but only when things were good it seemed and it would all be stripped away when he was so mad at me. He always had one foot in and one foot out the door in our relationship and let the smallest things I did make him so angry to where he broke up with me 3 times. I couldn't express my needs or wants without him telling me, "This is who I am and I do things I my own way. If you don't like it, then you need to find someone else. I am not changing for you or anyone." I would have done anything to see him smile or be there for him but when I simply wanted to do things or just needed more affection from him he would not budge. It was all on his terms and his own way. He rarely made plans in advance and always asked me to do things at the last minute. he didn't believe in plans because according to him if they don't work out you wont be disappointed. He blamed me for the problems in our relationship and never took responsibility for his actions and I never really got any genuine apologies. I could be right about something, but he would turn it around on me everytime and say, "nothing is good enough for you. you are never happy. I try my best and you always complain" not true...I adored him and even the people around us saw how much I appreciated him and how good I was to him. he was so critical of me and my mistakes and would often threaten to leave when things got tough for him. he ultimately ended it this time with "im unhappy and I don't want to be angry...its not good for you or me." he thinks I am immature, needy, and insecure and not thankful for anything. so not true! how was I supposed to feel when I was constantly put on the back burner, broken up with, and him being mad at me or giving me the silent treatment? aren't adults supposed to work through things? I saw all his flaws and shortcomings and I always tried to understand him and be there for him, and took responsibility for my end of things...but I never felt like we fixed problems and instead just dusted them under the rug and they would come up again and again. I couldn't talk to him and work things out...he would shut me down and always turn it around on me like I said. I couldn't have a mad look on my face, I couldn't complain about anything, I couldn't have a different opinion....he would always get upset in one way or the other and even hung up on me several times while on the phone because "I mad him mad and he didn't want to argue" he is such a wonderful person with a great personality, hardworking, and very giving. he was good to my family and friends and those in his life. he isn't a bad person and had his great qualities.....but why was he so mad at me all the time and constantly wanting to leave when things got hard?

i forgot to mention in the very beginning he said he didnt believe in marriage, yet thought of it with me throughout our relationship. he also had relationships with older women, and women who were either married or in relationships. he also told me during one of our arguements the last month of our relationship "id rather hook up or find a hooker than deal with all of this arguing." he also said a few times he was scared to get into another relationship and wasnt sure he was ready for one at the beginning, but decided to give us a try. could it have been he was wanting something with me, but decided he couldnt deal with all that comes with a relationship and maybe thats why he was so impatient with me and my shortcomings?

[woody]

I'm sorry your going through this. Your post was without many paragraphs and though I tried to read thoroughly, I'm sure I missed a few lines;though I got the just of things.
I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you already know the answer here. Your with the wrong man. Difficult to hear and who am I to say such a thing being a stranger n' all. But, by the sounds of it this sounds like an uphill battle. When you do argue (and all couples do) he seems unwilling to compromise or even listen to you, showing you the door instead or saying cruel things like, "rather find a hooker, blah blah blah, all that" Good golly dear lady, why tolerate such?

Broken up with you three times? So why then, are you staying?
Hey, many of us have some self esteem issues or a fear of being alone. Yet if you stay in a relationship where love isn't being triumphant your only going to grow miserable, if your not already there.

I have 'issues' with my man as he has with me but we always talk about it and at the end of the day (usually) we are back in each others arms and the love is strong.

If your man isn't even willing to find a common ground, a compassionate approach to his little lady, you need to buck up and move on dear one

How are you suppose to respond? I suggest you re tap into your self worth, re gain your sense of well being and ditch the prick.
Self worth dear lady...
Ask yourself, are you truly willing to spend another year being treated this way? F__ that. Pack it up and move it on out..

I don't like suggesting the bottom line, break up. But in this case as I read your words I did not get a sense that this man is worth fighting for.
I'm sorry but I did not.

[Leialoha1975]

I would just pack up and go. Let the asshole find a hooker!!!!
Live your life happy not miserable.
He doesn't deserve any of your love.
Don't settle!

[lovelylady35]

Thankyou for the replies...we are not together anymore. I am just back tracking and trying to gain more clarity from the situation.

[tinko]

You are going thru life like most women...vulnerable and clueless.
Whenever you start a relationship you must never go with the guy you love. Never, never, never. You should only go with, or marry, the guy who loves you. And make sure he is loaded, you don't want a stupid financial burden on your hands. If he is down to bus fares throw that SOB out of the window.
Let me explain: Men...all men...will do the animal thing. Faithfulness is never in their heart. Sooner or later, they will leave you, or abuse you or cheat on you. Not that they are evil; they are only doing their testosterone thing, the animal thing. I cheated on my ex wife, I continue to cheat on my current wife; before me, my father, and before him, his father.
On average, 98% of men go astray, whether they are academics or goddamned street cleaners. The 2% who don't cheat on their wives has nothing to do with love and devotion. The reason why this 2% don't cheat is because they are too dumb to do it.
Not only the men, but also God and Society are unfair to women. Although Nature matures women from age 12, Society imposes on them the "Age of consent", 18years old. They have from 18 to 30, only 12 years, to find reliable partners. After 30, the men will compare them with younger girls at 18...and of course, the older women will lose hands down. Even so, after a hard passage in life, God then settles them with menopause around age 50, hot flushes, irritability, dementia..etc, driving the men away at a time women most need their moral and spiritual support.
So, while you have a choice, you only go with the guy who loves you. Period.
.....Now, when he eventually or finally leaves you, you won't feel too miserable because you never love that bastard in the first place.
But what if you are really looking for True Love in life??
Simple, keep a dog. OK?

[lovelylady35]

I think this is the most ignorant rant full of bullshit that I've ever heard

[woody]

No flippin kidding there LovelyLady. Poor sap. Tink being the d___.
Interesting brand of insults....
98%. I don' think so. Him? yes. Probably learned it from the men in his Fam. I feel sorry for him; and while the honesty that he attempted to portray from his own point of view was at least honest (for him), the content? good grief. Flippin hilarious. (imo). I wonder how many more men actually agree with Tink. INteresting.

Anyway Lovelylady, glad your out of there. good on you.