FWB gone wrong...HELP

[Beth0621]

Hey guys, give me some insight here. I am recently divorced. I was attracted to a guy who was a coach in my sons baseball league, he was single and sexy, so I made contact with him....we had never met each other before this even though we have always lived in the same town. He is not the type I look for....I am a well educated professional working woman. He is a tattooed bad boy with a temp job, no real future and a felony record...but is SO sexy. What he does have going for him, that was also sexy, is he is a single Dad and a coach. I really admired the way he was with the kids, that was important to me. We texted for a week while he was on vacation and had good conversation. We met up at his place once he was back and one thing led to another. Everything seemed ok, I guess, we texted and hooked up a few more times and I really started to like him, no, I fell in love with him...we had never been out of his bed, our interaction was purely sexual. I told him how I felt and without warning, he told me he never wanted a relationship, just FWB. He said he didn't have feelings for me, that I was not his type, but the sex was good. He has been hurt quite a bit in the past, so I took that as he was keeping me at arms length so he doesn't get hurt again. Being married, I never really got into or understood how FWB works and I never expected to run into it from a 40 year old single Dad.

We basically fought about this for 2 months...I insisted he really had feelings, he insisted he didn't and it was all about the booty call. He said he hates drama and that's what women are, he wanted no part of it. We kept hooking up for a few months, me thinking I could change his mind. We had a major blowout yesterday where I found out that he basically has a list of a few women that are friends, that he has known for awhile, that aren't looking for relationships either, that he will text occasionally just for sex. I guess I was supposed to be one of them??

My question to the guys is....if he didn't want anything more with me, why did he continue to see me when he knew I had feelings for him? Isn't that when you walk away from FWB? Why did he put up with my drama if he hates it? He could have not texted me back, he could have ended it. He had other FWB that would have satisfied him, yet even though I'm not his type and I broke his rules, he still came to me. I asked him straight up if there was anything more...he said he didn't want to answer because he wasn't 100% sure.....then the next day he went back to "I'll text you if I need sex, if I don't text you that means I got it somewhere else" This is confusing....I'll admit, I was a willing participant, but why would he mess with my feelings like that? Why, if he has an arsenal or more suitable chicks to bang, would he come to the only one who had feelings for him?

Need to know if I missed something....is FWB with me his way of shutting me out emotionally or is he serious and I am just delusional?

[dem862]

Variety is the spice of life.

It is quite an ego boost to be loved, even if you don't (or can't) feel anything in return. Welcome to the world of being single. How long were you married? Don't worry, you will catch on quickly.

[Leialoha1975]

I think that he still wants a FWB with you, but really needs it to be that way. He may have tons of reasons why he doesn't want a relationship, and if you still want to continue the sex you have play by his rules. I would suggest that you not try and change his ways. It's just too much drama to even deal with that.
If you can't play his game, don't play with him at all. Find someone new.

[Leialoha1975]

I know you posted in "ask a male forum" but I couldn't help but post.

[Beth0621]

How long were you married?

I was married for almost 20 years, so I never had the experiences of being younger and single...I will be 40 in June. It might be just an ego boost for him, I am a total upgrade from the trash he's dated...and I'm not just saying that, it's true, but I'm still fighting with the idea that he does have feelings and because of his past is afraid of them. I'm sure if I really wanted to I could get back with him as FWB....it might take some time after our big fight, but is that even smart? I miss him already and its only been 48 hours. I'm having the crazy idea again that even if I'm just having sex with him...that's at least something....he is not totally out of my life....and who knows, maybe things will change. I feel like if I don't fight for him again, he will think that everything I have said I feel for him was a lie......IDK, he says I'm not his type, he says I'm just a booty call, he says there are no feelings, he says there is no future, he says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now....BUT he will still have sex with me. How can you be that "not interested" in someone as a person but still want to be with them intimately?

I should just forget this, I know, I am delusional.

[michelle23]

The question you should be asking is why did you convince yourself he would change his mind? There are some men who just see women as pieces of meat. Hes one of them. I think you have been very naive here.

You need to move on now and stop wasting your time. Some people are just not capable of commitment or love and you should avoid them or this is the outcome

[dem862]

For some guys, sex is just a fun past-time. It is a fun alternative to masturbation, which gets boring as hell. There really isn't any more to it. Women are interchangeable to a certain degree, but differ in their willingness, sexual ability, and desire to please. A woman who thinks she is in love is going to do all three of those things much better than a woman who isn't. To his credit, your friend has been totally open and honest with you. Some guys will fake feelings to keep the sex coming. In my opinion, for most men, sex is a prime motivator.

[surfhb]

He's not treating her like meat if she more then willing to participate C'mon Michelle!

The issue is yours.

He clearly communicated that he's only interested In one thing....yet you refuse to accept that? That's more then a lot men will communicate to you.....pretty honorable if you ask me

How can you be that "not interested" in someone as a person but still want to be with them intimately?

Seriously? For a 40 year old women you seem to lack an understanding of men. . I'd put up with your BS too to get laid! To a guy that's easy to deal with if I know I'm going to get laid.

You need to seriously find a man who wants a relationship

Btw....to answer your question...it looks like he's bailed on you. So there you go

[Beth0621]

Seriously? For a 40 year old women you seem to lack an understanding of men. . I'd put up with your BS too to get laid! To a guy that's easy to deal with if I know I'm going to get laid.

You need to seriously find a man who wants a relationship

Btw....to answer your question...it looks like he's bailed on you. So there you go

I do lack an understanding of men, not gonna lie. I guess I just didn't think I would come across this as an adult, with a 40 year old single Dad. That's his lifestyle, has been for 7 years. He was SORTA up front with me.....when I asked him if he saw more with us, he said he couldn't answer because he wasn't 100% sure. I took that as a maybe. He didn't need to put up with my BS to get laid...apparently he has a list of women who will do it anytime, all it takes is a text...so why keep me around if he hates drama and has no feelings and doesn't want a relationship? He KNEW how I felt.....and yes, I guess he has bailed...maybe for good this time, but if my instincts are correct, I'll hear from him again....I will probably be stupid enough to hook up with him again.

[dickriculous]

I never really got into or understood how FWB works

Well, there's your problem. You entered a FWB relationship with a fundamental misunderstanding of what a FWB relationship is. You seem to think it's some sort of stepping stone to a long term relationship, or something that guys who secretly want a LTR use in a desperate attempt to hide their feelings.

FWB is neither of these things. It is sex with no strings attached. There is literally nothing more to it than the meaning of those 5 words at face value. If you approach a FWB with any other agenda it will not end well. You should not enter a FWB hoping for a long-term relationship any more than you should marry someone hoping for your spouse to be okay with you fukking whoever you want after the ceremony.

How can you be that "not interested" in someone as a person but still want to be with them intimately?

Because sex and love are not the same thing and there is no rule of how the world works which demands that they must coexist.


Here's what i believe you need to do.

1) You know you can't have sex without catching feelings, so no more NSA sex. Wait until you are in a relationship. FWB isn't for those who are prone to getting easily attached, and it is absolutely not for those who don't understand how someone can want sex without wanting a long term relationship out of it.

2) Go no contact with this guy.

3) Stop reading into anything he has ever said. You're accomplishing by doing this nothing other than making your own head spin.

4) No more assumptions that being 40 and a single dad or any such thing means you won't find the desire for a FWB. A 40 year old single dad is still a grown man and a grown man is capable of deciding of his own accord whether or not a FWB relationship suits him. Two people being the same age does not mean one's desires will be a carbon copy of the other's desires.

5) Maybe consider online dating...pretty sure there are sites which specify whether people are looking for sex, relationships, whatever they can get, etc. Set your preference to relationship and only go after those who's preference is relationship and you can avoid this problem in the future.



As for why he stuck around even though he knew how you felt...it's because you kept being his fukk buddy. So he kept accepting you as a fukk buddy. No cryptic meanings to that sentence, it's literally as simple as it sounds. We could speculate that something about being loved without loving the other person loving back gets him off or something but that's all it would be, speculation. What we know for a fact is what I typed in the first two sentences.

[surfhb]

Of course he will call you again.......Your actions tells him you will.

Do you want to take control of this situation or not? You're a smart girl, have a good career and have your shit together. I can think of at least 4 of my good single friends (I'm 45) who would love to have a woman like you!

I think you forgot your value.

It's ok.....forget this cul de sac of a charade and go meet a guy you wants a relationship.

[michelle23]

If you know someone has feelings for you and they are hoping you will want more and you keep having sex with them anyway knowing you will end up hurting that person-it IS morally wrong IMO surf. He should have bailed once he knew they were no longer on the same page but then again so should she

Op you are just being a desperate doormat if you continue sleeping with this man. Set your standards higher. Grow a backbone and stop allowing yourself to get burned. Have more self respect and realize you are worth more.

[Beth0621]

I think you forgot your value

I know I did. I was in a emotionally abusive marriage so to have a guy treat me this way and talk to me this way and me just accept it, is no shocker. He was the first guy I got involved with and because I have such low self worth, I tried everything to keep him, and make him really want me....like I would never meet anyone else....I know that't not true, but he was the first one to pay any attention to me and I attached myself to that like my life depended on it.

I can think of at least 4 of my good single friends (I'm 45) who would love to have a woman like you!

That's funny because in this town, it seems FWB is the thing.....Today I've been texting an acquaintance, who is single, who I ran into last night while out with some friends. He was seeing one of my friends a while ago but broke it off because she wanted more and he didn't. He just flat out told me he would really like to see me sexually with no strings attached....and asked "are you game"? WTF. I must have that look. Maybe I'll just stay home from now on.

[michelle23]

Have you ever had therapy for the abuse you suffered or to work on your self esteem? Its pointless ending an abusive marriage if your not going to work on yourself as to avoid ending up in a similar situation.

There are things you need to change and if you keep settling for second best or allowing yourself to be treated like second best, how can you ever expect to be happy?

And men in there 40's are much more high risk then men in there 20's. They are more jaded and have lots of baggage-failed relationships, divorce, kids etc.. so you have to be even more fussy now and be careful who you choose

[surfhb]

If you know someone has feelings for you and they are hoping you will want more and you keep having sex with them anyway knowing you will end up hurting that person-it IS morally wrong IMO surf. He should have bailed once he knew they were no longer on the same page but then again so should she

Op you are just being a desperate doormat if you continue sleeping with this man. Set your standards higher. Grow a backbone and stop allowing yourself to get burned. Have more self respect and realize you are worth more.

I told him how I felt and without warning, he told me he never wanted a relationship, just FWB. He said he didn't have feelings for me, that I was not his type, but the sex was good.

Not sure how a man can be more up front then this. Can we just agree she is in no way innocent of her situation? Jeeshs!

Dating in your 40s can be difficult OP. There are exs, mortgages, children and careers to deal with. The good news is there is less BS to hammer through since were older and have already cut this from our lives. (generally) This can be seen in how up front this guy was with you. Kudos to him since he could have easily strung you along and you wouldnt be on this site and living a complete lie. I think you need to know that he did you a favor.

You'll be fine....good luck