FWB gone wrong...HELP

[michelle23]

I already said shes not innocent. This is her fault. I believe that 100% but I also believe hes an asshole and women should know better but yet lots of women willing to spread their legs for these pricks so he has no motivation to change. Women have come a long way but there are still plenty who make the rest of us look bad..

[Beth0621]

I am not innocent, not at all, what you allow is what will be. As far as him being such a great guy and being so up front with me....that's questionable at best. At the beginning, he never mentioned FWB. It was after we had slept together a few times and after I told him I had feelings, than he said it. What I think happened is he spent a little time with me....I didn't just go over, have sex, and leave.....we talked, watched TV...etc....and I wasn't what he was looking for. That't fine. So, at that point, he should have walked away....I should have walked away.....what makes him an ass is he KNEW I felt that way. I'm an ass for continuing thinking he would come around, but again, in my defense, we had several conversations about "my feelings". One day it was "I'm not 100% sure I don't see a future with you" The next day it was "Booty call, that's all" Confusing at best...he was not at all, in my eyes, honest or innocent. He took advantage of the fact that I would keep coming back because I had feelings. He used that to his advantage and played me.....and I let it happen. If he stuck with FWB and didn't waiver and played by the FWB rules and walked away before I got this hurt, I maybe would have the same "at least he was up front" attitude. The guy I met out the other day, that flat out said I just want to see you sexually.....was up front and honest....I was able to say to him that is not what I want...and I did.

[dickriculous]

If he stuck with FWB and didn't waiver and played by the FWB rules and walked away before I got this hurt, I maybe would have the same "at least he was up front" attitude.

This is another fundamental misunderstanding of how FWB works. The FWB rules do not dictate that he has to take responsibility for your emotions in the manner described by the text in bold. The point of FWB is to have no strings attached. That means the two partners are not emotionally responsible for each other. He isn't obligated to babysit you by ending the FWB relationship when he notices you've caught feelings...it's on you to know what to do for your own good and walk away. If you're in a FWB relationship it's implied that you don't need the other person to take responsibility for your emotions for you. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to desire a relationship where two people agree to take responsibility for each other's emotions but looking for it in a FWB relationship and acting like the other person is obligated to do this for you shows your lack of experience and, as mentioned, a fundamental misunderstanding of how a FWB relationship works. Now, it certainly would have been nice of him to take responsibility for your emotions, but he wasn't obligated.

[surfhb]

Well spoken ^^^

So what you're saying is that when you're passionately making out on the couch and you both are stripping off your clothes he should tell you at that point:

" oh btw...I'm just interested in a FWB situation". Lol.

I think you need to come to terms with your original motives: You wanted to get fvcked well by a sexy guy with tats....right!?

Come now......the guys not a robot. I'm sure he did enjoy your company beyond the bedroom.

You also, out of the blue, sprang this little atom bomb on the whole situation so whats the guy going to say? Maybe he wasn't 100%? You have to give him benefit of the doubt on that.....he did nothing but be honest with you at that point.

I mean you know you are a part of his little managerie of birds, he's honest about it and you continue to show up at his door. I don't see how you can blame him at all for your situation.

[Beth0621]

So what you're saying is that when you're passionately making out on the couch and you both are stripping off your clothes he should tell you at that point:

" oh btw...I'm just interested in a FWB situation". Lol

So at that point was I supposed to stop and say "hey, if this is all you want, I'm not interested"? Neither of those scenario's were going to happen...after a few times together, yes, he should have told me that....not after I caught feelings for him.

I think you need to come to terms with your original motives: You wanted to get fvcked well by a sexy guy with tats....right!?

I won't deny that. But that's not all I was looking for........

Maybe he wasn't 100%? You have to give him benefit of the doubt on that.....he did nothing but be honest with you at that point.

He wasn't 100%, he was 100%...I was just a booty call, it wasn't just a booty call.....in the end he was honest.....No relationship, I was not his type, he liked the sex, but that's all he would ever want from me....AFTER the back and forth and AFTER he knew I had feelings....and after I pressed him to tell me if he had any feelings for me. I'm not going to say he didn't throw out the FWB more than once, but he also threw out the "the door is still cracked open a little bit for you and me"....if I played my cards right....is what he said I believe.

He isn't obligated to babysit you by ending the FWB relationship when he notices you've caught feelings...it's on you to know what to do for your own good and walk away.

I guess that's fair, but for him to know how much it was hurting me and not care? My fault for going back to him, I honestly didn't think he was a totally heartless bastard. He is.

[surfhb]

.... yes, he should have told me that....not after I caught feelings for him.

But you sprung this info on him by surprise remember?! You said this in your first post

The guy cant control your feelings

I told him how I felt and without warning

Hello!? Earth to Beth!

[Beth0621]

But you sprung this info on him by surprise remember?! You said this in your first post

I told him how I felt.... and without warning....he told me he only was interested in FWB....I think you read that wrong. This was a few weeks into this whole thing...I didn;t spring anything on him....I'm sure he could tell by my texts and how I treated him that this wasn't just sex.....I didn't spring anything on him......he sprung the FWB on me.

[surfhb]

I told him how I felt.... and without warning....he told me he only was interested in FWB....I think you read that wrong. This was a few weeks into this whole thing...I didn;t spring anything on him....I'm sure he could tell by my texts and how I treated him that this wasn't just sex.....I didn't spring anything on him......he sprung the FWB on me.

Sorry about that....I did read it wrong.

Regardless, you called and he threw down his hand.....He didnt know your intention until then. Dont assume he knew how you felt...thats really not fair

At that point everybody knew where everyone stood so dont blame the guy for being a pig after that. No big deal....once you find another guy you wont even remember his name. Besides the guys a loser right? No Job, not stable? What the fvck do you care? He did you a favor

God, where's Wakeup when you need her?

[Beth0621]

Regardless, you called and he threw down his hand.....He didnt know your intention until then.

At that point everybody knew where everyone stood so dont blame the guy for being a pig after that.

I agree. It's my hangup, I don't understand the lifestyle, I wouldn't do it, but it works for him and many others.....If I don't let it affect my life again, then who am I to judge. He assured me he wasn't with any of his other FWB while with me, so he is a one FWB at a time kind of guy.....not a pig then I guess. If there are women who are willing to do this, then he is not a pig at all, he is just living the dream.

[surfhb]

I agree. It's my hangup, I don't understand the lifestyle, I wouldn't do it, but it works for him and many others.....If I don't let it affect my life again, then who am I to judge. He assured me he wasn't with any of his other FWB while with me, so he is a one FWB at a time kind of guy.....not a pig then I guess. If there are women who are willing to do this, then he is not a pig at all, he is just living the dream.

Yes....pretty much. But even these guys find out someday it gets pretty empty....Im sure he'll figure it out soon enough. The only single guy in the world who wouldnt sleep with a beautiful woman who threw herself at him is Michelle's boyfriend Ha Ha! Kidding!!

[michelle23]

Can you guys even try to put yourselves in her shoes and acknowledge how she feels? I think its unfair to say "well hes a guy and all men do this so get over it". Its not true for a start and second shes not a robot either and a little empathy wouldnt go astray.

[Beth0621]

shes not a robot either and a little empathy wouldnt go astray.

Thanks Michelle. They all have the right to their opinion, I didn't really expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I just needed some insight to this behavior, seems it's pretty common. They are right, I could have walked away, but the heart wants what it wants....no matter how wrong it is. I broke down and texted him yesterday, got no response, so that pretty much says it all. Now I am past the angry stage, I'm past the what if stage..now I'm just sad....I still can't quite grasp that I was just basically a sex toy, nothing more. That lifestyle is obviously not for me.

[michelle23]

I just feel the advice your getting is wrong. Not all men are like this so dont let it crush you. Theres plenty of men around looking for comittment so don't give up. I do think this guy is an asshole whether hes honest about it or not.. hes still an asshole and the way hes treating women is wrong. I personally wouldn't trust anyone who has a string of contacts to call when they feel like using them for an hour.. its selfish and it says a lot about his character in general. You can do better than this.

Next time just ensure you establish commitment and exclusivity before you have sex with him and be assertive. Don't be afraid to tell a guy what your looking for and make it clear you din't mess around or do the whole casual thing so if thats what hes after he can get lost now.

This approach has always worked for me. I know what I want and hes either it or he isn't. He either has those qualities, values, beliefs, wants or goodbye-i have no time or tolerance for BS.. decide what you want and don't settle for less. You will avoid a lot of drama and pain that way

[Beth0621]

Thank you Michelle. I put alot of faith in others, that they will give what they want to receive in return. I know personally, I could never hurt someone like he did me...but it's been done to him so he is just paying it forward I guess. Weather I misunderstood, or just chose to ignore what he was saying, if he was a decent man at all, he would have had more respect for me....not in reference to wanting me for FWB, but how he talked to and treated me after this all blew up. I was hurt, he was not, he made sure he stuck the knife in as deep as he could...believe me, no woman should have to hear some of the things he said. For that reason alone, I shouldn;t bother with him...not because he chooses to live his life as he is. If I was a decent woman, I would not have done the things I did with him without some idea of where it was heading.....I wanted the attention, I wanted him to want me, I wanted to be desired....I wanted to have sex with him....and he gave me all that. It was all on me that I took it further in my heart......

[dickriculous]

Can you guys even try to put yourselves in her shoes and acknowledge how she feels? I think its unfair to say "well hes a guy and all men do this so get over it".

Which might explain why neither of us are arguing that. Has your tarot shit warped your brain to the point where you're literally arguing with ghosts now?