We are friends, she got a boyfriend, and I love her. Should I invest?

[Yanky]

Stop answering her calls, then.

Have some respect for all parties involved, yourself included, otherwise you might just end up in the same position as her boyfriend one day. With a woman who's keen to emotionally cheat on you.

[milk&honey]

Just stay friends with her. Be there for her, and if she breaks up with her boyfriend you can make your move. Or if she feels she really loves you too, then she will choose you over him. But you shouldn't be the one to break them up. It's a difficult situation I know.

[Wakeup]

*rolls eyes*

[Azwraith]

Stop answering her calls, then.

Have some respect for all parties involved, yourself included, otherwise you might just end up in the same position as her boyfriend one day. With a woman who's keen to emotionally cheat on you.

Just stay friends with her. Be there for her, and if she breaks up with her boyfriend you can make your move. Or if she feels she really loves you too, then she will choose you over him. But you shouldn't be the one to break them up. It's a difficult situation I know.

Thank you guys, I will do that. I couldn't stand being the reason for breaking up a relationship.

Thank you for giving actually good replies, unlike some other members of this forum.

[Wakeup]

Haha, you made me laugh.
Tell that to her, then, since she keeps calling me.

Pull up your man pants and You tell it to her when she's calls you. Better yet, ignore her completely but if you must answer her, then tell her to go tell it to her boyfriend and that you're not playing "emotional tampon" any longer.

Beta comes to mind which is the polar opposite of Alpha... How about you be a sometimes Alpha and a sometimes Beta .... that's balance. You're all beta right now.

[Azwraith]

Pull up your man pants and You tell it to her when she's calls you. Better yet, ignore her completely but if you must answer her, then tell her to go tell it to her boyfriend and that you're not playing "emotional tampon" any longer.

Beta comes to mind which is the polar opposite of Alpha... How about you be a sometimes Alpha and a sometimes Beta .... that's balance. You're all beta right now.

Well, it is pretty hard to explain. Sex is not something I thrive or crave so much. I have noticed that my libido is much smaller than most of my friends. I try to be friends with everyone, specially the girls, since I think they have much more to talk about than the guys that only talk about video games and sports.
I have female friends that really trust me and talk to me about literally everything, including matters about their personal lives that they wouldn't tell anyone. Do I hate this? No, not at all. I love it. I love being their supportive friend. If not, who would they talk to to get all this pain off from their chests? But of course Alpha males would laugh at this, and tell me I am just being weak. But it is just a matter of point of view. I think alpha males also lose so much by not having a deep friendship with the girls. It is saddenning to be honest.
If I acted like "the player", I wouldn't get so many female friends. But I would get laid much more oftenly, and be able to date much more girls. But, it is such a shallow kind of relationship, you know? Seeing all these "alpha" males that don't even know what their girlfriends are going through. They barelly talk. They are not one flesh, or soul mates. Just two people getting along because it is convenient.
I want something more than that. I want someone that completes me, someone that I can call a soul mate, that knows everything about me and I know all about her. I want my girlfriend to be my best friend, and vice versa.
Altho, it seems so hard to have both things. To be the alpha male and the best friend at the same time. I feel sad that it looks like you have to pick one road or the other. People say you have to choose, either be her friend, or her boyfriend. Honestly, I don't really know where to go from here. There must be a way to be both...

[kasimkhan]

hello Friend I feel your problem now a days this problem is happen many people. but you don't worry I have its solutions. I can get your love back. she come back with you. you can e-mail or call me ..
E-mail - [email]babakasimkhan@gmail.com[/email]
mobile no. - +91-7597388038
website- [url=http://getlostlove.com]Get Lost Love | Wazifa for Get Lost Love[/url]

[TheEvilJester]

Trust me, you aren't going to get very many people that understand you, and certainly not on this board. I actually do understand you completely. I'm not a "numbers game" type of guy. I don't want to screw everything with a pulse. I want one special girl. Yet, at the same time, I see the value in having close female friends. Some of my best friends ever and currently are female.

The difference, though, is whether you are friends only because you want to be more than friends, or whether you are actually just their friend (or can at least be okay being just their friend even if you would have maybe liked to be more). Personally, I've let in enough of the wrong people in my life that I've learned to really cherish the RIGHT people. I don't care if they are male or female. If somebody seems good for me, I want them in my life regardless of gender, and regardless of what role they may play in my life.

At the same time, I would never allow myself to be stuck, obsessed with a gal who is either not available, or just not interested in me as more than a friend. I would never allow that to hinder my chance of finding somebody who would want to be more to me.

Trust me, I realize that guys like you and I are VERY much in the minority. I gave up trying to explain it to folks in a way they'd understand. Just like you, I would LOVE to be a very close friend to any of my friends, be they male or female. People on these boards like to call that being the gal's "emotional tampon" or "male girlfriend." You know what? I have no problem with that. I would love that. You know the funny thing? When I have a friend, I actually CARE about that friend. But, somehow people just never seem to get that. And, I guess that is understandable. Typical guys don't exactly set the greatest example.

So, people hear that a guy wants to be just friends with a girl and they don't believe it. They just assume he is just hanging around hoping she will become single, or that eventually it will become that. That, or they don't believe that male/female friends can learn to respect appropriate boundaries. In other words, it isn't appropriate to do date-like things with a female friend if she has a boyfriend and/or you have a girlfriend. But, nobody seems to believe that guys like us are capable of respecting those boundaries. Like I said, guys like us are in the extreme minority, so who can blame them?

Still, the bottom line is if you have a female friend but really cannot see being just friends with her, then you either have to go for it, or end the friendship for your own good and hers. In this case, she is in a relationship. So, your options are pretty clear. If you can see being just her friend and you'd be okay with that, then remain friends. If you think you'd just really be waiting around hoping she becomes available and/or it would hinder you from finding a relationship with somebody who is available and would like you as more than friends, then you need to move on. You can't get yourself stuck in limbo, waiting on something that may never happen and possibly miss out on something that could have been great.

[Azwraith]

Trust me, you aren't going to get very many people that understand you, and certainly not on this board. I actually do understand you completely. I'm not a "numbers game" type of guy. I don't want to screw everything with a pulse. I want one special girl. Yet, at the same time, I see the value in having close female friends. Some of my best friends ever and currently are female.

The difference, though, is whether you are friends only because you want to be more than friends, or whether you are actually just their friend (or can at least be okay being just their friend even if you would have maybe liked to be more). Personally, I've let in enough of the wrong people in my life that I've learned to really cherish the RIGHT people. I don't care if they are male or female. If somebody seems good for me, I want them in my life regardless of gender, and regardless of what role they may play in my life.

At the same time, I would never allow myself to be stuck, obsessed with a gal who is either not available, or just not interested in me as more than a friend. I would never allow that to hinder my chance of finding somebody who would want to be more to me.

Trust me, I realize that guys like you and I are VERY much in the minority. I gave up trying to explain it to folks in a way they'd understand. Just like you, I would LOVE to be a very close friend to any of my friends, be they male or female. People on these boards like to call that being the gal's "emotional tampon" or "male girlfriend." You know what? I have no problem with that. I would love that. You know the funny thing? When I have a friend, I actually CARE about that friend. But, somehow people just never seem to get that. And, I guess that is understandable. Typical guys don't exactly set the greatest example.

So, people hear that a guy wants to be just friends with a girl and they don't believe it. They just assume he is just hanging around hoping she will become single, or that eventually it will become that. That, or they don't believe that male/female friends can learn to respect appropriate boundaries. In other words, it isn't appropriate to do date-like things with a female friend if she has a boyfriend and/or you have a girlfriend. But, nobody seems to believe that guys like us are capable of respecting those boundaries. Like I said, guys like us are in the extreme minority, so who can blame them?

Still, the bottom line is if you have a female friend but really cannot see being just friends with her, then you either have to go for it, or end the friendship for your own good and hers. In this case, she is in a relationship. So, your options are pretty clear. If you can see being just her friend and you'd be okay with that, then remain friends. If you think you'd just really be waiting around hoping she becomes available and/or it would hinder you from finding a relationship with somebody who is available and would like you as more than friends, then you need to move on. You can't get yourself stuck in limbo, waiting on something that may never happen and possibly miss out on something that could have been great.

Really, I can't belive I have found someone in this forum that actually thinks like I do. I am still surprised and touched after reading your post. I thought I was the only one.
Thank you so much for taking some of your time to reply to me.
I guess it is both a blessing and a curse to be like us. We do suffer a lot, but we also get the best rewards of our friendships when we see the smiles on the face of our friends, don't we?
I will take your advices deep within me, specially on your last paragraph. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I also beg that you do not allow the world to corrupt and break you, in a way that you would give up being the way you are.
Best regards

[TheEvilJester]

Really, I can't belive I have found someone in this forum that actually thinks like I do. I am still surprised and touched after reading your post. I thought I was the only one.
Thank you so much for taking some of your time to reply to me.
I guess it is both a blessing and a curse to be like us. We do suffer a lot, but we also get the best rewards of our friendships when we see the smiles on the face of our friends, don't we?
I will take your advices deep within me, specially on your last paragraph. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I also beg that you do not allow the world to corrupt and break you, in a way that you would give up being the way you are.
Best regards

Oh, man! You really hit the nail on the head. It's one of a few things I refer to as my Monkism if you are familiar with the TV show Monk. For, much like Monk's obsessive attention to detail, when it comes to the fact that I feel things so much more intensely than "normal" people, it's a gift.... and a curse.

And, good God do I try so hard not to let the world corrupt me. Sometimes it is so hard. Being like us, it is so hard not to feel alone. There have been a few times in my life when I have become jaded, and it became hard to be me and hard to trust anybody. It's hard, sometimes, to trust my own judgment when I kept letting the wrong people in. But, I've learned to better balance that, better judge who deserves to be in my life and who does not.

Lately, I've been having a bit of a tough time back and forth (sometimes I'm feeling GREAT, others not so much) which is in part because of a new friend. It's a girl who I see more so as a friend. I don't necessarily have any intention of asking her out. That could very well change in the future, who knows? But for now she just seems like a really good person and somebody I want in my life. I could see being close with her almost like brother and sister. But I'm kind of freaked out and don't know how to handle the whole situation because I don't really know how to ask a girl out specifically as a friend without giving her the wrong impression. We hang out in a group all the time, but I'd like to be friends with her one on one as well. Very much, Azwraith, just like the situation you mention you have with several women. Where you are very close friends, and they consider you somebody they can trust with everything. I want to be somebody this girl knows she can trust with anything. She actually has come to me a couple times here and there, but then other times I swear she acts slightly awkward and I get paranoid and unwilling to try because it makes me feel like she doesn't like me. I'm probably just imagining that, but I don't know sometimes. I want to ask her to hang out sometime, but I just don't know how to do that without making it sound like I'm asking her on a date.

[Azwraith]

Oh, man! You really hit the nail on the head. It's one of a few things I refer to as my Monkism if you are familiar with the TV show Monk. For, much like Monk's obsessive attention to detail, when it comes to the fact that I feel things so much more intensely than "normal" people, it's a gift.... and a curse.

And, good God do I try so hard not to let the world corrupt me. Sometimes it is so hard. Being like us, it is so hard not to feel alone. There have been a few times in my life when I have become jaded, and it became hard to be me and hard to trust anybody. It's hard, sometimes, to trust my own judgment when I kept letting the wrong people in. But, I've learned to better balance that, better judge who deserves to be in my life and who does not.

Lately, I've been having a bit of a tough time back and forth (sometimes I'm feeling GREAT, others not so much) which is in part because of a new friend. It's a girl who I see more so as a friend. I don't necessarily have any intention of asking her out. That could very well change in the future, who knows? But for now she just seems like a really good person and somebody I want in my life. I could see being close with her almost like brother and sister. But I'm kind of freaked out and don't know how to handle the whole situation because I don't really know how to ask a girl out specifically as a friend without giving her the wrong impression. We hang out in a group all the time, but I'd like to be friends with her one on one as well. Very much, Azwraith, just like the situation you mention you have with several women. Where you are very close friends, and they consider you somebody they can trust with everything. I want to be somebody this girl knows she can trust with anything. She actually has come to me a couple times here and there, but then other times I swear she acts slightly awkward and I get paranoid and unwilling to try because it makes me feel like she doesn't like me. I'm probably just imagining that, but I don't know sometimes. I want to ask her to hang out sometime, but I just don't know how to do that without making it sound like I'm asking her on a date.

Well, I have read once a phrase that looked something like this: "People that like you will make a great, visible effort to stay by your side. Think well before saving a place in your heart for people that don't make any effort to be there". I think it all comes to that. And it is quite simple. I think sometimes we make it harder than it actually is because of all the taboos and paradigms society try to throw upon us.

Now, speaking of your particular situation, I have learned a few things. Let me try to give you some advices:

Aways be natural and smooth. Don't try to be something you are not. She obviously likes you for what you are. The more you try to be "perfect", the worse it will get. Curiously, the best method to be "really good" is to be yourself. So, for example, if you want to ask her out, just do it naturally, don't try to invent a new infalible way to do it. Just ask "Hey, wanna drink some soda?". If she says no, then she probably don't want to spend that much time with you, and you will already get part of your answer (from the question if she like you). If she says yes, then you also get part of your answer. If you never ask her out, nothing will happen. Don't stay still waiting for things to happen. Women like men who act. But try not to jump into conclusions just because she accepted or not your invitation. Your answer will come with little hints that you will pick slowly, day after day.

You know what is the best method to end your paranoya? Is to have the final answer: Does she like you, or not? So, for that, have a goal. For example, 3 months from now, you should be finally asking that question to her. So, in these 3 months, you will use to develop your relationship with her, to straighten it, to see if she is really cool and if you really like her, and also to develop a feeling of thrust in her towards you.
You don't want to ask a girl that you just met if she likes you. That would be akward. But you don't want to wait for a year to ask it as well, so that is why you need a goal, a limit. 3 months seems ok for me, but you can change it if you feel necessary. Just try not to wait too long, since it will prolong your suffering and anxiety. During that time, you will also understand your feelings better and realize if you really want to be more than her friend.

It is really simple after all, we are the ones that complicate everything because of our fears and anxiety.
I hope I could help in some way.
Let me know what you think, and how the relationship goes

Best regards!

[Wakeup]

I think alpha males also lose so much by not having a deep friendship with the girls. It is saddenning to be honest.

Uhm... so called "alpha" males have "deep friendships" with girls... the only difference is they usually make the friendship after they've formed something romantic with the girl and they don't become girls emotional tampons only to come to forum boards and lament how the girl they have fallen in love with is the girlfriend of another man.

They get their own girl to fall in love with.

[Azwraith]

Uhm... so called "alpha" males have "deep friendships" with girls... the only difference is they usually make the friendship after they've formed something romantic with the girl and they don't become girls emotional tampons only to come to forum boards and lament how the girl they have fallen in love with is the girlfriend of another man.

They get their own girl to fall in love with.

I don't really know why, but you sure look like a sad, pathetic looser for repetidely picking on us. I feel sorry if you lack the required level of insight and inteligence to understand what we feel. If you get happy by making jokes of others in online forums, then this all makes you a pretty low standard human being.

[TheEvilJester]

(NOTE: Sorry. I know my below post is a bit of a crazy-long tangent. I can't blame you if you can't read the whole thing. Hell, it makes me feel better even just getting to type it all out.)

From my experience on these boards, Wakeup is good peeps. I don't think she necessarily intends any offense. I think it is just that her point is that it is not good to get yourself stuck in a situation where you are close friends with a girl with whom you really want to be more than friends. Unfortunately, that is a risk you run when you become close friends with women, so when it comes to a point where you discover you want to be more than friends, you either need to try to move things that way if it is possible, or move on if it is not. Move on can mean still being their friend, but moving on from the idea of being WITH them and look for other women. Or, if that is too hard, moving on can mean ending the friendship for your own good and hers. Really depends on the situation.

Azwraith, I want to also thank you so much for your advice. I think a big part of what has had me too anxious to do anything is that it makes me really happy having her as a friend. She seems like a good person, and I just don't have enough of those in my life. So, part of me feels like if I try and she doesn't even like me as a friend anymore, that maybe I would have been happier just remaining unaware and just seeing her in our group gatherings. But, I know that in all honesty, good or bad, I am so much better off knowing the truth. It is easy to say that, it has just been hard to do anything about it.

The funny thing is, if I were interested in asking her out and was hoping she'd be my girlfriend, THAT I could handle. It would still suck if I asked her out and she wasn't interested, but it's not like I'd be losing anything anyway, because I wanted to go out with her, not be her friend. But, in this case, I just want to be closer friends with her. So, that's why part of me tries to convince myself "Just don't rock the boat. You see her in your group gatherings. Just enjoy her there. Otherwise she probably will just not like you and you'll lose her completely." I’m my own worst enemy. My inner-demons always seem to try to convince me that people could never actually like me.

She’s actually let me be there for her a few times during some rough stuff she went through, and has even sought me out when she needed to talk to somebody. Yet, other times I swear I get this feeling like things are awkward and I can’t tell if I am just imagining it, or sensing what is real. It’s hard to even explain what I mean. But, I sometimes feel like she stopped wanting to be my friend and I can’t tell if that is true or just my negativity trying to convince me it is true. I know for fact that I did NOTHING but try to be a good friend to her, and therefore did NOTHING to deserve her to suddenly stop wanting to be my friend. Me being able to say that is a pretty big deal for me since I usually have such a low self-esteem.

Part of me wants to talk to her about it, but another part of me thinks doing that could just annoy her if I WAS just sensing negativity that wasn’t really there, and it could become a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” so to speak. God, I’m so messed up! LOL! But, I guess that is a large part of why I’ve been so reluctant to try. I feel like I get mixed signals and can’t tell if I am just imagining that. Because, at the same time, I am too good of a person to be chasing around so-called “friends” who aren’t true friends in the first place. Which, again, is a HUGE deal that I am able to say that about myself. So, if I am sensing things that are real and not just imagining things that are not, then obviously she isn’t a very good person and doesn’t deserve me as a friend anyway. If that is the case, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on her. But, I just can’t see how the friend I thought I met could be this radically different.

[Azwraith]

(NOTE: Sorry. I know my below post is a bit of a crazy-long tangent. I can't blame you if you can't read the whole thing. Hell, it makes me feel better even just getting to type it all out.)

From my experience on these boards, Wakeup is good peeps. I don't think she necessarily intends any offense. I think it is just that her point is that it is not good to get yourself stuck in a situation where you are close friends with a girl with whom you really want to be more than friends. Unfortunately, that is a risk you run when you become close friends with women, so when it comes to a point where you discover you want to be more than friends, you either need to try to move things that way if it is possible, or move on if it is not. Move on can mean still being their friend, but moving on from the idea of being WITH them and look for other women. Or, if that is too hard, moving on can mean ending the friendship for your own good and hers. Really depends on the situation.

Azwraith, I want to also thank you so much for your advice. I think a big part of what has had me too anxious to do anything is that it makes me really happy having her as a friend. She seems like a good person, and I just don't have enough of those in my life. So, part of me feels like if I try and she doesn't even like me as a friend anymore, that maybe I would have been happier just remaining unaware and just seeing her in our group gatherings. But, I know that in all honesty, good or bad, I am so much better off knowing the truth. It is easy to say that, it has just been hard to do anything about it.

The funny thing is, if I were interested in asking her out and was hoping she'd be my girlfriend, THAT I could handle. It would still suck if I asked her out and she wasn't interested, but it's not like I'd be losing anything anyway, because I wanted to go out with her, not be her friend. But, in this case, I just want to be closer friends with her. So, that's why part of me tries to convince myself "Just don't rock the boat. You see her in your group gatherings. Just enjoy her there. Otherwise she probably will just not like you and you'll lose her completely." I’m my own worst enemy. My inner-demons always seem to try to convince me that people could never actually like me.

She’s actually let me be there for her a few times during some rough stuff she went through, and has even sought me out when she needed to talk to somebody. Yet, other times I swear I get this feeling like things are awkward and I can’t tell if I am just imagining it, or sensing what is real. It’s hard to even explain what I mean. But, I sometimes feel like she stopped wanting to be my friend and I can’t tell if that is true or just my negativity trying to convince me it is true. I know for fact that I did NOTHING but try to be a good friend to her, and therefore did NOTHING to deserve her to suddenly stop wanting to be my friend. Me being able to say that is a pretty big deal for me since I usually have such a low self-esteem.

Part of me wants to talk to her about it, but another part of me thinks doing that could just annoy her if I WAS just sensing negativity that wasn’t really there, and it could become a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” so to speak. God, I’m so messed up! LOL! But, I guess that is a large part of why I’ve been so reluctant to try. I feel like I get mixed signals and can’t tell if I am just imagining that. Because, at the same time, I am too good of a person to be chasing around so-called “friends” who aren’t true friends in the first place. Which, again, is a HUGE deal that I am able to say that about myself. So, if I am sensing things that are real and not just imagining things that are not, then obviously she isn’t a very good person and doesn’t deserve me as a friend anyway. If that is the case, I wouldn’t want to waste my time on her. But, I just can’t see how the friend I thought I met could be this radically different.

The problem with she acting diferent sometimes, can be related to many things. For example, she could be having personal problems in her life with her parents, or somehing, and want to be alone for a while. Of maybe she got other guys hinting and flirting with her, so she can be divided. One thing I can say for sure: She also has, atleast a few, of the same doubts as you do. She, at least once, saw you as more than a potential friends. Women are much more selective than us, so they really analyze every situation.

All I can say is for you to be there for her, and go deeper. You could also play with her emotions, once you learn how to do that. For example, aways be a gentle man. Open the doors for her, buy her food and drinks, compliment her look and her clothes, her shoes, her eyes, anything. This will feed her with doubdts and hints that you want her more than just a friend. But the secret is to not give it away too obviously! Learn how to play.
For example, if you want to ask her out but don't want to give away that you are falling for her, just say something like this: "Hey, I am on the way to the grocery to buy some soda, wanna come along?" Instead of just asking her to come along, or asking her out. Does that make sense? This way you are playing with all the small details that will make a huge difference in the future.