... about a girl

[lion_heart]

Hi All,

... thank you in advance for reading and any advice is highly valued :-) ...

My story began few months ago when I met a girl ... needless to say I liked her at first sight , and so did she (at least that's what she said at the time). After our first date as time progressed we were chatting online more often about more and more things. Eventually she decided to move to the same city I live in (whether I was influence in the decision I am not sure) since she neded to move away from the old surroundings and start new.

It has been couple of months since then and we have been on a few dates / walks / etc.. On the intimacy side of things I just feel so happy to be next to her, and I understand from her she shares the feeling (but maybe not 100%), so we hug and kiss and hold hands, and at one stage ended up in bed ... normal thing for two adults and we have good chemistry :-).

We are both single parents in the 35ish age range - she is couple years younger (and bearing in mind I'm caucasian and she is asian - and fairly traditional at that) and while I have been divorced for 4+ years she has been only 1+ years. This is where the complication I think might be hiding - after 4 years I am pretty sure where I stand, however she is still not certain as to who exactly she is / wht she wants to do.

Despite my best efforts I have fallen deeply in love with her (and I am the type of person that feels very strong - so my heart feels like it willl explode any time I think of her. I know I need to control that and I am trying but it is hard and keeps me distraced from work). I thought that she needed to feel loved and I have done the usual things a guy does, send her flowers, buy her little emotional gifts when I travel, send her post-cards from different countries ... and I think she likes the attention (she has admitted that herself).

Just couple of nights ago - I felt she was a bit distant ... had a chat to her and she said that she needed to think things over since all this emotional avalanche from me seemed to make her think too much with her heart and not clear mind - and she needs clear mind to figure out what she wants from life (I understand that - I have been there myself to a degree). This felt almost like a breakup to me - so I went and saw her and we kissed, talked, walked hand in hand - just like before.

She asked me to hold back on my feelings for her for now and give her some time. I told her that I am happy for her to think things through (but not to take tooo long) and we agreed that we won't txt/chat to each other meanwhile (just hi/good night). She is also traveling with her family overseas for 10ish days ... so she will be away anyway. She wants to slow down a bit - maybe go on a date once a week, get to know each other over longer period of time ... when I think about this in clear mind I think this approach is best as well .... I do love her and I care about her .... but I am also so afraid she will leave ....


So my question comes .... How do I stop thinking about her 24/7 - I'm in the gym / work / movies ... she just keeps popping into my head ... and it is just crazy ... i can't concentrate ... it is like I am addicted to her ... addicted to love ... especially now that I don't txt.talk to her often ...

... and how much time do I give her ... ? I believe she is worth fighting for and waiting for - but I just never been in situation like this before ... so I am dazed and confused and any advice will be more than welcome ....


Thank you so much

[waryfairy]

Ok, first up, it is impossible to stop yourself from thinking about someone. You could try doing something that requires your full attention, find a hobby, use up all your time doing things, but whenever you stop, you will still think about her. It's just not something you can control. When you get into bed to sleep at night, she will be there in your mind, what are you going to do? Get up and start doing things all over again? Just relax. If you think of her then you think of her. I find that sometimes, the more you try to not think about someone, the more you end up thinking about them. I have the same problem with my boyfriend.

Second of all, if you really love this woman. You have to control yourself and give her however much time she needs otherwise you are just going to scare her off, the opposite of what you want to do. You said she's going away for 10ish days, try to leave her alone during this time. Give her time to think things through without you there to distract her. If you want to text her, type it out, but don't send it, just delete the text after you write it. If there are things you want to tell her, write it down somewhere. Writing it out gets it out of your system, and usually after writing it, you don't feel the urge to send it or say it as much anymore. Right now she is obviously very confused and things between you guys seem like it's moving too fast for her. Maybe she's afraid it won't work out like her marriage. This is all up to her though. You can't really help her. She needs the time to figure out what she thinks the problem is and time to figure out if this is what she wants. When she has found her answer, she will contact you.

If she still hasn't contacted you after her trip, send her a text, but make it casual. Something like, I know you're back from your trip, hope you had a good time. I missed you. Keep it short and light. Don't pressure her into making a decision but let her know that you are still there for her, waiting for her.

Hope that helped =)