Man of my dreams is a flop in the sack

[Luckyirishlass]

Hello,
This is my first time posting so be gentle so, I'll keep it short.
I'm in a relationship 5 years now, and the time has flown. I'm 29 and he's 30. We are both working full time, he travels about 1 quarter of the year with his job. We are not living together, he thinks it's too expensive.. So I'm living at home, and he's house sharing with a few ppl (I admit it's a lot more expensive to find a place for just 2) so I stay in his house 2 to 4 times a week.. And you would rightly think he'd be all over me.. I wish!! Sec is like once a month (if I'm lucky) the first year we were together we didn't have sex at all.. He went to councilling to sort that out and we have sex now, but so rarely I think he has an extremely low libido and just isn't too bothered by sex.. And unfort I'm anything but! I LOVE sex, and always felt it was such an important part of any relationship.. He says he loves me and wants to marry me one day, he spoils me in a lot of ways, but I also feel like there's no passion in the relationship.. He's a great job and I know he'd be a great husband.. But I can't stop fearing I'm in for very boring sex for the rest of my life and I have to admit it's really freaking me out.. I don't know what to do.. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Do I settle for a great secure husband, or do I risk it all and end it?! My parents and his parents wants us married too.. Everyone says we're the perfect couple, and my family would be devestated if I ended it :O breaking up seems very scary to me, he's the closest I've ever got to a man emotionally.. I've talked to him about the sex before in a delicate way.. And he said that we'll have lots of more sex.. But it always remains the same.. I'm having palpitations these days please help, any advise greatly appreciated x

[Wakeup]

Have you researched into Psycho-sexual councelling? It would be a good anniversary present to each other.

[surfhb]

Lack of sex and money issues are the most common reasons relationships break up. You'll really be hurting in your 30s when your libido goes through the roof.

Its a very serious conversation you need to have....no pussy footing around it.

[dem862]

Maybe he has low testosterone, or he is gay. I can't imagine being in a relationship and hardly having sex. To me, it is the main reason to be in a relationship.

[goodmorning]

i'm afraid these things usually don't work out. you're sexually incompatible. you will grow increasingly resentful.

is it possible he is addicted to porn?

[michelle23]

5 years together and he refuses to move in together? You should be living together by now. The lack of comittment here is obvious.

The sex has been an issue from day one. Why didn't you leave then within the first year. It is kinda stupid to spend five years with someone and grow so attached when there has been big incompatibility issues from the start.

If sex is so important to you then why have you deprived yourself of that for five years? He must know what the problem is but refuses to tell you or refuses to seek help. Its unlikely to change if it hasn't by now. Its more likely to get much worse.

My advice is to ask him to be honest about his lack of desire for sex and what could be causing it. If he doesn't know-ask him to get tested for low testosterone or any other hormonal issues that could be causing it. Is he over weight? Any health issues? Medication? Depression? Does he have erectile dysfunction or anxiety about sex? Did he have a bad experience or suffer any abuse? How often does he masturbate? And is he watching porn? Could he be addicted to it? Thats a huge issue if hes choosing that over you and he needs to go cold turkey and completely stop watching it as well as seek counselling. Finally could he be gay or is he not attracted to you sexually?

Find out whats causing the issues. Thats the only way he can try to fix it. If he refuses then its time to leave because you cant go on like this.

You need to be sure before you marry someone and getting married now with these issues is going to lead to divorce. Personally I would have left over four and a half years ago coz sex is an important part of a relationship for me. You say it is for you too but you stayed.. why? Ask yourself why you settled for this? Sex enhances the bond between a couple, promotes trust, affection, intimacy and its supposed to keep you close even throughout the bad times-your lacking all of that so I doubt the emotional connection you share with him is half as strong as it COULD be..

Maybe you just fear change or being alone so you stay, in denial hoping it will miraculously fix itself.

If money is an issue and you cant live together then what has he been doing to make that happen? Is it just an excuse as hes not as invested in this or committed as you are? Again why are you okay with living separately after 5 years? I mean its time to shit or get off the pot. Your 30 so stop wasting time. Either create what you want with this man or walk away

[vashti]

Only YOU can decide if the trade-off is worth it, but I think surfhb is right - this problem will get worse when you get older, and your sex drive increases. You are probably going to have to figure out how to find wholeness in another way if you stay with him.

On a separate note, isn't it sad that an otherwise good man is so flawed in the most intimate ways? God has a sick sense of humor.

[Askalovegoddess]

This is quite a dilemma. Could it be his living arrangement with house guests that's making him uncomfortable? Have you two tried to spice things up with toys and role play? As previous posters have stated this will become problematic as you get older if the problem is not resolved. Does it seem to be a problem for him to not have sex (which seems to be unusual for a guy)? It appears there may be some other red flags with this relationship but the main thing I would suggest is to make sure you are happy and content because if you are not, you would be settling and not with intentions to hurt him but if someone came around and knocked your socks off, you would probably leave him. Irrespective of what both of your families want, it is your life and a very personal decision that you have to make about committing to him and then be able to live with your decision. It would be wiser to go into a marriage feeling confident about the most intimate aspect of a relationship.

[TablesandChairs]

Five years and not living together? No ring on your finger? He's still living with house mates, you're still at home? In my world, that's called an epic waste of time.

He's gone for quarter of the year, no sex for the first year, then improvement! Once a month...I think my parents do it more often than that. Gross, I know. And I'm sure if you let it slide, it would be never.

Do you get the feeling you're being strung along here? Something he's not telling you?

A man who is relatively normal, physically, will be ejaculating more than once a month, trust me. Even if he was into porn and self-helping himself a bit too much, he'd still want it more than once a year. What's the perception of homosexuality where you're from? Is there a chance he's in the closet and willing to remain that way for appearances sake?

Something doesn't add up - if there's no mental/emotional stuff going on and provided he doesn't have a testosterone deficiency or something of that nature...then I'd be inclined to think he wasn't heterosexual. I'd also be thinking he wasn't attracted to me, which would affect my self esteem.

I understand that he spoils you and you assume he'd make a good husband/father (if you manage to have sex often enough to even get pregnant) but I'd rather eat some ice-cream than settle for something passionless and frankly, a bit weird.

[woody]

Dear Lady,

Your post reminds me of a line from a old show said by a character named Samantha and I quote, "good on paper= bad in bed"
and then this. "I didn't know if he was trying to F___ me, or trying to erase me"

yes yes, brute response by me and I apologize, I do, I am sorry; but lady, sex IS important. Very much so and if your not feeling that innate connection, that connection every grown person needs, well, you've got some serious decisions to make.
5 years and still not living together? Hhmm.because usually living with someone is less expensive than living alone. You know, split the bills, all that.
Sounds like a lame excuse on his part.

Libido. Ginseng. So long as he's no hyper tension issues, research which type would best suit him and get him on it. Give it a month and see if he becomes more active regarding you know what.

I dated a man long ago who was a good guy, we got along very well but our sex life was pretty much non existent. I thought I could deal with that but after a year I knew I had to move on and I did.

We must have a good/great sex life with our significant others. It is a release, a way to connect and express through our bodies. You owe it to yourself.

[Luckyirishlass]

Thank you everyone for your replies... tbh it was the wake up call i needed. Ive been sugar coating everything and trying to look on the bright side way to much, when all i really need to do was look at the facts. I'm going to give him a month to change things..and if theres no MAJOR difference in the bedroom im leaving. I just love sex way too much to be a relationship with someone who doesnt need it as much as i do. We've been together 5 years, and its such a long time... your all prob wondering why the hell i didnt leave sooner (believe me i do have regret) I think i stayed because i actually do love him. And i was so desperate to make this work... i kept making excuses and excuses, then all of a sudden it was 5 years later.. and NOTHING has changed
But its time to move on. Maybe he'll change in this month, i really hope he will. We had a talk, and he said he'll try.. I dont think he really expects that Im serious, that i will infact walk away from this sexless relationship. *sigh* Im very sad about the entire situation but theres a small part of me thats a little relieved. Ive finally made a desicion and im going to stick by it. I cant keep everyone happy.. his family and my family and all our mutual friends will all be devestated.. but its MY LIFE.. not theirs.
Thank you all again for you great advise ;p

[Kiechi]

^ You have the luck of the Irish, it'll all work out fine.