i really have no idea what Title to put

[lost_man]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years.

Despite being in our thirties, this is in fact both of our first proper relationship because we both have had anxiety issues which have held us back in the past. To some extent this relationship was for me a rebound because I was in love with somebody online for a year or so before her. I was trying to get over the internet girl for some time during my relationship with my GF, which I'm not proud of obviously.

Anyway, the relationship has been quite draining for me. My GF requires a lot of support to overcome her baggage and I have been providing said support but at a considerable cost to myself, both financially, and emotionally. Normal parts of life she needs help with and her anxieties are transmitting to me such that it's making it hard for me to work on myself. I'm conscious that I/we may have issues with dependency that I need to get my head around. To be fair, there is a lot of positive in our relationship too.

I suppose I feel trapped. I'm fearful of being along again after being so lonely for so long, but think I would be able to date without anxiety stopping me now. I'm concerned about my GF, because without me her life will implode (financially and emotionally) and I am concerned if she will be able to cope. Just the guilt of thinking about it, gets to me.

I need to seek therapy (again) but I get frightened of digging it all up and not being able to cope with what comes out. It's like I'm running around trying to catch the rain in a bucket, which obviously is an exhausting task. I feel more like her father and therapist than her boyfriend, and I know I am responsible for that state of affairs as well as her.

I don't know, I just can't think straight. I feel overwhelmed by it all.

[woody]

Dear Lost_Man,

We must dig up our past hurts, deal with them and eventually and with help, set them to rest. truly to rest, if one is ever able to really get on with things free and clear, so to speak.
And though it is good of you to be so considerate for your present Gf situation in the support department and there is obviously deep care there, hey man, if your not 'feeling' 'it' in that amazing za za zoom way, well, it's not just one person your letting down there. It is two.
True, to move on would hurt both of you for a time; but life is way too short to settle. Yes indeed it is. Hey, if we had a thousand years to spend with people, sure but we're lucky if we get 50 'relationship' years out of a 100 year life span, especially if we're late bloomers. ( my sweetheart and I met in our mid 30's, so I understand what you said)
I figure it's better to wait for the 20's to end before going anywhere serious. Didn't think that at the time but it worked out that way. Major backfire. But back to you.

Yes, therapy. Jump back in man. If the anxiety's are fading, great. But if your in a relationship where you feel more like a therapist yourself, again, hhmmm. Nope. Sure, a variable certain amount but not the majority nor is the financial dependancy she has on you good. It takes two to tango. Ought be equal, as equal as possible and there are many ways to make that work.
bottom line. You need to do what is best for you. If your not happy and I mean, over the moon, you have to do something about it. Anything. Talking to someone like a therapist seems like a great place to start again. With that, may you find the strengths you need to do what is right for you.
goodluck

[Wakeup]

Commit yourself in for a 30 day assessment and then tell her that you're in no means emotionally ready to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment and that you wish her well in her life. Then go zero contact.

[lost_man]

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]

Yeah I mean financially she has a job now but I did have to support her for 2 years. Well, I didn't have to, I chose to. So that part is much improved.

She hates the job though because she finds it anxiety improving and whilst she is improving, all I hear day and night is how much she hates it and wants to leave (she won't though, because she knows I'm not happy about supporting her). She's trying hard to find a different job, but it's not easy interviewing for new positions when you have a job 9-5 already.

It's difficult because I suppressed a lot of doubts at the start of the relationship and every time she wobbles I get the feeling that we are going to be back there again…which is what happened right before my original post.

The thing is that there is a lot of good to the relationship to. A lot of acceptance, a lot of humour, sex life is good. When we are both on good form we are quite a good couple.

I suppose the question is: do I love her? The answer is: I don't know. I feel sad when she leaves, I feel the urge to protect her, she doesn't inspire me and make my heart race like the previous girl who didn't reciprocate but isn't that just a caricature of love?

I suspect a lot of people grapple with what love really is for them and how much excitement they feel before they really know it's love, and I suspect looking around that a lot of people settle for what feels like it may not be fireworks but is otherwise ok.

[MENTION=52694]Wakeup[/MENTION]

Well, opinions are like a****oles: everyone has em :p

I assume by "commit" you are implying I'm barking mad. In reality I have a career, a mortgage, friends, just some anxieties about relationships that formed as a child and that area I've moved forward with although I clearly have some emotional baggage that I carry. Who doesn't though?

The one point of yours I do take on board though is about ending it promptly and cleanly because in your shoes I would advocate the same thing and have on this site before. I suppose I avoid doing so because unlike people who do not have significant anxieties about dating, I know for her that it will be more devastating. It'll hurt me too but I believe I will recover as most people do, I'm just not sure she's strong enough.

[Wakeup]

I suppose I avoid doing so because unlike people who do not have significant anxieties about dating, I know for her that it will be more devastating. It'll hurt me too but I believe I will recover as most people do, I'm just not sure she's strong enough.

Forgive me for my frankness but it sounds like You have major White Knight Syndrome and you don't know the difference between Care giving and Care taking. Are you familiar with the word "codependency? You are also quite codependent by all accounts.

Here's a link that will explain the difference between the two:

[url=http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/]Codependency: Caretaking vs. Caregiving | Expressive Counseling[/url]



You can't fix her and it's not your responsibility to worry about how she handles the breakup. Your responsibility is with you and your own emotional health.
Garner the strength to leave and if you're worried that she will somehow hurt herself then tell her family that you are concerned and then leave it up to them to make sure she gets the psycho therapy that she may need to come to terms with the breakup.

Complaining about your lot but doing NOTHING about it is the utmost in codependency... Leave and learn to be in control of yourself while letting go and letting god (or your higher being) look after the others.

[lost_man]

it sounds like You have major White Knight Syndrome

Agreed, thinking back I think I've always been like that. Putting it like that is actually helpful as it helps me to see it as it really is: slightly pathetic.

Are you familiar with the word "codependency? You are also quite codependent by all accounts.

Yes, I alluded to it in my original post although my understanding of the term was/is not yet fully developed. I differ from the standard co-dependent because I am not a doormat in life in general, but as regards my relationship I have over invested myself in her needs that much is clear.

Here's a link that will explain the difference between the two:

Link doesn't open in my browser for some reason but I will research it properly now.

You can't fix her and it's not your responsibility to worry about how she handles the breakup. Your responsibility is with you and your own emotional health. Garner the strength to leave and if you're worried that she will somehow hurt herself then tell her family that you are concerned and then leave it up to them to make sure she gets the psycho therapy that she may need to come to terms with the breakup.

I agree with the fact that I can't fix her and that it's unhealthy to try.

I have mixed views however on your opinion as to where the boundaries are. You can't just hurt somebody who is important to you and wander off into the sunset, it's callous and emotionally escapist. We do have to lean that way though, just to force the change of situation. I think sometimes though that people leap upon the idea of stronger personal boundaries as a solution to the hurts in life, and there is a place for that, but if you go to far with it suddenly you have too many walls up. I suppose what I am trying to say is that there is a healthy balance between emotional self sufficiency and empathy that I think I'd rather aim for.

Complaining about your lot but doing NOTHING about it is the utmost in codependency...

Agreed, I think I will seek therapy to talk it through with a professional and make some decisions from there.

letting god (or your higher being) look after the others.

Well normally I would be polite about your suggested use of faith, but seeing as we are having a "frank" exchange I have to say that personally I can't have a serious conversation with anyone who pulls out the god card to magically fix any kind of complexity in life. So I think I'll leave that particular coping mechanism alone as I've already racked up enough of my own over the years!


Anyway, so to turn things practical I think it's time to book some therapy to clarify what my tendencies are and what the healthy approach to tackling them is. I have in mind as a result of this conversation that I made myself needed, to somebody who had needs that I knew I could meet. This must be a self esteem thing somehow, because people who have confidence in themselves don't do that. I suspect that it's going to be necessary to change my behaviours and that my relationship may well not survive it because it's a fundamental change in how we relate to each other. Another of life's painful lessons but better to open my eyes, learn them and learn them well.

[woody]

I think that once you, how do I say this?, Once the help begins (therapy) (or allot of reflection) and the ability to make a decision about your own future (putting your self first) happens and you stand by it, you will experience a re birth of sorts; and your gonna love it.

We all need fireworks. Stand up for yourself. Only good can come of it.

[Wakeup]

Agreed, thinking back I think I've always been like that. Putting it like that is actually helpful as it helps me to see it as it really is: slightly pathetic.

Google "White Knight Syndrome" and educate yourself. If you know what ails you, then you can do the work you need to do to over come.

Yes, I alluded to it in my original post although my understanding of the term was/is not yet fully developed. I differ from the standard co-dependent because I am not a doormat in life in general, but as regards my relationship I have over invested myself in her needs that much is clear.

Get yourself to the library and read anything you can find by Melody Beatty. She is the pioneer of overcoming codependency.

Link doesn't open in my browser for some reason but I will research it properly now.

Google "codependency" "white knight syndrome" "the importance of personal boundaries" and read.

I agree with the fact that I can't fix her and that it's unhealthy to try.

I have mixed views however on your opinion as to where the boundaries are. You can't just hurt somebody who is important to you and wander off into the sunset, it's callous and emotionally escapist.

This is so, so codependency and spoken by a person without personal boundaries.
No one has suggested you just disappear on her. People with good personal boundaries do not lack empathy, far from it. What has been suggested, and what ALL people who are emotionally healthy and with a good set of personal boundaries would do is to kindly explain that the relationship is no longer working for you and then after the usual conversations and attempts to keep you mired in the relationship you no longer want to be in, then you go no contact so that she can heal. Doing anything less is cruel because your enabling and your sticking around to "save" her simply allows her to remain the emotional wreck she is.

You hanging about after you break up with her will keep her stagnated in hope and dependency on you and she'll never get to the stage of indifference to you. It was also suggested that after you leave, if you're afraid of what she will do that you call her family (or a mental health hotline even) and have them care for her. After you are gone, it's your job to care for yourself and get yourself to the stage where you are the best you that you can be. You can't accomplish that if you're still trying to save, change, fix, accommodate her. Its her job to work on herself to be the best that SHE can be and if she doesn't do that then that's her responsibility... it's certainly not yours.

We do have to lean that way though, just to force the change of situation. I think sometimes though that people leap upon the idea of stronger personal boundaries as a solution to the hurts in life, and there is a place for that, but if you go to far with it suddenly you have too many walls up. I suppose what I am trying to say is that there is a healthy balance between emotional self sufficiency and empathy that I think I'd rather aim for.

"too many walls up" are NOT personal boundaries... they are "walls" there is a difference and if you've been to therapy and your therapist has never explained that to you then I have to ask what kind of therapist have you seen?

Agreed, I think I will seek therapy to talk it through with a professional and make some decisions from there.

Whether you break up with her or not, you should definitely do this. Work on you and forget about anything else and your decision will be much easier to follow through with when you understand your WKS, CD and how important good personal boundaries are to your confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.

Do google "The Difference Between Care Giving and Care Taking. Someone with good personal boundaries Care Gives. You've been Care Taking which is yet another symptom of codependency.

Well normally I would be polite about your suggested use of faith, but seeing as we are having a "frank" exchange I have to say that personally I can't have a serious conversation with anyone who pulls out the god card to magically fix any kind of complexity in life.

Oh for fvck sakes. Who the fvck pulled out "the God card?" "let go and let god" is a saying that is clear in its meaning. If you like you can change it to "let go and let Santa" for all I care. WTF?

So I think I'll leave that particular coping mechanism alone as I've already racked up enough of my own over the years!

Chalked up enough of your own, what? Coping mechanisms? Hardly... you're not "coping" at all. If you were, you'd have left this sad situation you are in by now and you'd have coped just fine. As would have she (after a bout of emotional pain of course)

Every relationship in this world ends eventually. Either through death or a break up. She best get the help she needs to be able to survive without you because this relationship WILL end eventually, one way or the other.

[woody]

Lost_Man,

You doing alright?
How's the decision making going?

Hope all good. ( forgive me if i'm off a little)
You know, after having a day to reflect on your comment, "do i love her" and your response, "I don't know". uh, when you know you know man. No two ways about it, it's there, no doubts, no questions, it is bold, all encompassing, terrifying and vulnerable mixed with natural highs of cloud walking; it is w o n d e r f u l.

Why would you give up on something like this. Okay, not give up, but compromise your own happiness for any reason?

You do neither of you (you and your GF) any favours by staying in a 'comfortable but not sure if i'm in love' relationship. Not fair on you, not fair on her either.
We are only here for a blink of a cosmic eye. The sooner you fight for your happiness, the sooner she can find her's as well. Sure, she'll hurt for awhile (you both will) but if your not the right guy for her and she's not the right lady for you, why are you wasting both of your time? This White Knight thing?
I think you could be afraid of being alone. Of truly putting yourself out there. I could be wrong.
It's up to you. This is after all, your life.

I hope you stand up for yourself and make a move into the great unknown. How exciting it would be!

I have no doubt in my mind you'll find a kind and amicable way to take these next steps.
It's in you to do.

well wishes to you man