I connected with my High School boyfriend two weeks ago. He actually had been looking for me for over 30 years. He finally found me on Facebook. He called my sister and asked her to give me his phone number and he also messaged me on Facebook. We started texting each other everything was good. He told me about how i have always been in his heart and mind through song and scenery and that I will always have a piece of his heart. When we talked on the phone, he told me he was newly engaged. I was a bit disappointed, and thought why was he still looking for me if he was engaged. I asked him that and he again just said I have always been in his thoughts and had a piece of his heart. So okay, I need to just be his friend.
We started texting every day. We had some intimate moments, talked about sex, and relationships, his kids, my kids, our X's etc. It continued to get very emotional and loving. And I was starting to fall for him. I thought maybe he wasn't really in love with his fiance, but also felt like he was kind of emotionally cheating on her since some of our talks were pretty intense,.
Last night we talked until 1AM about things that were really touching, sharing songs with each other. One song I sent him was exactly how I was feeling about him. He listened to it three times and said it brought tears to his eyes. I told him thats exactly how I feel right now. He said he wanted to just hold me, but he knows that is wrong, but thats how he feels. I told him we should meet soon, he agreed. I said I was starting to fall for him and he said he felt the same, but he doesn't really know me now.
Then he starts to tell me about his bad marriage, how he has been divorced for 8 years and finally found his fiance and was in love with her. He said he would be a selfish prick to end it now. He started to question me about why I never looked for him. That he had been on FB for 5 years and I never saw him. I tried to explain that I was also going through a divorce, etc. But I could feel that he was hurt. Again, I just basically spilled my guts out to him telling him how much I loved him and wished I had never let him go.
But he reminded me that he is in love with his fiance and that he is going to marry her and he hopes this won't affect our friendship. At this point, Im like I cannot be friends with him, its just going to be so difficult to be this close then back up again to the friendzone. So I told him I didn't think I could do that and I need to let go. He said well you do what you have to do, it was great connecting, take care.
So, what I guess I don't understand is why someone who has looked for you basically his whole life, finds you, connects on all levels again but is engage to be married and loves her as much as he does. Why even look? If I was in love with a man, that would not be something I would do. It makes no sense! Maybe he thought we could just be friends, but feelings started again for him and I. Maybe he just looking for validation that he is making the right choice. I just don't know.
I am hurt and sad today. I feel like I am breaking up with someone, even though we weren't together in any sense, but there is lots of memories that resurfaced. I know if I don't let this go, I will not be able to move on and find someone else. Just sad really