Breakup due to Travel

[wowkasumi]

Well this is a bit of surprise. Apparently I made an account here when I was just 18 years old. Go figure. But it's exactly what I need right now since I'm looking for advice. I'd prefer if some older heads can give me a bit of perspective on my situation. Perhaps with some life experiences.

I'm a 27 year old man who retired from Cricket and is back at school in Toronto. Long story short about how I met my ex was that she was my cousin's friend. The relationship itself was great. Nothing's perfect of course but it was as close to perfection as I can think of. Being hurt really badly in the past I like to step back from the 'in love' feeling and look at things logically. "Would I be okay with her doing/saying this if she was just someone I knew?" The answer was about 99% yes.

I fought for the relationship a lot. She was 19 when we met and I was 24. We started dating and we really clicked. Took 6 months before we were actually in a relationship(Bit of a distance issue. I went to George Brown in Toronto and she went Queen's University. Long time of spaced out dates and not seeing each other.) I told her I loved her first. She wasn't sure. She had never had a serious relationship. I was also the first man she had sex with and I waited very long for that as well to not push her until she was ready. I toughed it out and treated her as well as I thought she deserved. Which was pretty damn amazing. I told her I'm not hung up about her not loving me yet. If she comes around, I'm here, and if she doesn't, then I'll leave. It's unrealistic to think that people will always fall for one another at the same time in the relationship. Great decision on my part. She would indeed tell me she was in love with me eventually. So even though she was always behind me in terms of where I wanted to be in the relationship, I stuck it out and she never disappointed.

Now here is where things get a bit dicey. She made it known that it is her intention to travel. That September 2014, she would start by completing her final semester of university in a castle the university has in England. After that, she would come back home for Christmas, but plans to leave soon after the new year to live abroad. She said she has no idea how long she will be. She could be there for 3 months and hate it and want to come home, or she could be there and love it and stay there a year or more. She doesn't know. And that she thinks to herself that she might be making the biggest mistake of her life by letting me go, but it's something she needs to do for herself, and by herself.

I told her I understand. I do. I read a lot and one of the things I love reading about is interpersonal relationships. In reading about travel related breakups most of the women there say it was hard but don't regret it. I understand the notion(even though I don't know if i personally agree) and because I understand it, I told her I fully support her in her decision and I wish her the best. Her cup of tea may not be my favorite brand, but that doesn't mean she is drinking the 'wrong' stuff if you catch my drift.

So we spent months getting ready to break up and deciding how we were going to go about it. I am a fan of No Contact after a breakup. Keeping in contact is messy and hurtful for both sides the longer it goes on. I once read a meme saying, "An ex wanting to keep in contact is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after the ransom is paid." She on the other hand would prefer stay in contact, and I attribute it a bit to her lack of experience(even though she is not exactly naive). We settled on emails every 2 to 3 weeks. And throughout the months we've repeatedly said we're both open to a rekindling in the future.

At the end of the day, this woman is my best friend at the moment. And I'm hers. Our relationship did not have one 'fight'. We had debates that might have us annoyed at the other person's point, but never longer than a few minutes and about nothing major in life. How a movie could have gone a different way or how a festival could have been better. Yes, those were our 'big' arguments through the years. It amazes everyone that we've never fought. Every crossroad of the relationship we were able to lie down and talk about in depth at night. How I'm okay with waiting a bit for her feelings to catch up. How we made each other feel at things the other thought was innocuous but actually annoyed/hurt the other. Our differences in opinions on certain aspects of life and society and our compromises on how to accept it's the other person's view and not offend the other person with it. All these things we talked about and never walked on eggshells. And the great thing is no one got offended. We took in what the other person was saying, stayed objective, "I can see where you're coming from. I agree. In that light for sure. I actually meant it in this way. But I know for next time." It was great.

Now here we are, nearing the end of September. We broke up with our last texts when she was on the plane a few weeks now. We sent about two emails during the time. As anyone would know it's very hard to adjust from a 'Good morning babe/Goodnight babe/have to go but we'll talk later. Love you. Bye' to a couple emails in almost a month. Even the little things get to you like the lack of the word 'Babe' and using your name instead. But it is what it is.

The reason why I'm here is this. The fact that she does not know how long she is going to travel. She's very family oriented, yet she is also very independent(quite the paradox huh?) Either staying a few months or staying for a year or two would not surprise me from her one bit. And that is what I'm seeking advice about. The thing is, I'm not sure I want to do this emailing back and forth. It's a slow process and every time you think you're getting your life back from the person, they send an email. I would prefer No Contact if I'm sure about moving on.

Thing is, should I move on? We still love and miss one another, but that's not enough to justify it. But should I try to keep in touch with email(or other social media and even more frequently) so as to keep the flame lit? I'm 27, and I'm not old and my life is not over. I don't think I know it all and I don't think I'll never find love again. I've been there. I know I'll love again. I know she'll love again. I know there will be a point where you won't even want to be with the other person again. That's a sad thought. But I wonder if I should give up. I've fought for a couple of years now, always being patient and it's always worked out. Yes I'm not the oldest person but in those 27 years I haven't really met someone who can settle things as logically as we can, yet have passion as well. It's usually either or. Yet here, great communication, great bedroom life. And while I believe in people having more than one soulmate(and that mature individuals can make it work once they want it to) I just wonder if the next person I love will be as much as a fit as this.

Let's face it. You can fall for someone and love them just as much as you did your previous partner(or, thanks to the human body being an absolute marvel, your memory will perform your best survival function and override a lot of the best memories with your ex and replace them with memories of your current.)
It's just that taking a step back and not being just about love, we're a good fit for a future.

That's my long story. Any wise people with experience in travel can help me out here? If I knew she would be gone for two years I'd definitely No Contact and move on. But then I run the risk on losing out on something pretty special. We also will meet up for Christmas a few times when she comes home.

I'm afraid that No Contact will close the connection for good.

So what are your opinions?
Should I continue to do my best and be there for her in life and support her, even though it might hurt me in the short run, for the chance at a huge reward?
Or do I cut my losses and say goodbye, knowing I'm probably blowing our chance at reconnecting?

[TablesandChairs]

In your shoes, I'd think - what kind of girlfriend would throw away an amazing relationship for travel? I wouldn't but that's easy for me to say because I've travelled - that curiosity and stage in life was well and truly experienced and satiated by the time I met my now partner. Having had several past relationships, I also knew that I was onto a good thing because I had other relationships to compare it to.

Your biggest issue is her age; she's at a point where she wants to experience more - that might not just include different countries but different people, too. By all means, she could get there and feel lost, miss home and perhaps the whole experience won't be as she thought and she'll come home. Or she might have the time of her life and stay indefinitely. She might meet someone else. Many variables.

Her going away for 'maybe 3 months, maybe 3 years' puts you in a shitty position - it's easy to cling onto hope thinking it might be just 3 months. But prepare yourself for - it might be a lot longer. Try getting on with your life without the burden of waiting - you're in a state of limbo and that's the worst place to be. Your choices? Cling onto hope, wait for her...if that's what your heart is telling you, do it. But give yourself a time frame- if, after, say, 6 months, there's no talk of her return - move on. Or, you could move on now and take a 'whatever will be, will be' approach - you might meet someone better - someone who won't be exactly the same, you might argue a bit more...but she'll be there and will include you in her future.

[lovebroken]

You need two people to keep the love alive, not just one (you) and if it is always only you trying to keep a connection soon you will feel resentful and hurt, maybe angry. Don't fight for someone who won't fight for you. Have a long talk when she is home at Christmas figure out where she stands with you and decide then.

[wowkasumi]

TablesandChairs
Your biggest issue is her age; she's at a point where she wants to experience more - that might not just include different countries but different people, too.

Having had several past relationships, I also knew that I was onto a good thing because I had other relationships to compare it to.

I definitely agree that her age and lack of experience is a factor. I don't think I'm God's gift to women but I think the relationship itself is the healthy kind that you only have a couple of times if so many. Because she had nothing to compare to she also doesn't know how good she had it.

In your shoes, I'd think - what kind of girlfriend would throw away an amazing relationship for travel?

I tend to feel the same way. I personally would not do it. At this point in my life I realise that 'plans' always change in life and you can either beat yourself up over it or adapt. I'd have thought that even though it wasn't what I wanted ideally, I have something really special and we could always travel together later. Why choose one when you could choose both kind of thing. Easy for me to say because I feel comfortable in my skin and I think I know myself pretty well at this point whereas the point of doing it solo for her is to find herself. So I guess a 'to each his/her own' thing as well as life experience there.

Your choices? Cling onto hope, wait for her...if that's what your heart is telling you, do it. But give yourself a time frame- if, after, say, 6 months, there's no talk of her return - move on.

I actually really like that. Having a timeframe. I didn't think about it that way. I was just going to let it go and do the 'whatever will be, will be' thing. But maybe I'll hold out for a little while longer.

lovebroken
You need two people to keep the love alive, not just one (you) and if it is always only you trying to keep a connection soon you will feel resentful and hurt, maybe angry. Don't fight for someone who won't fight for you. Have a long talk when she is home at Christmas figure out where she stands with you and decide then.

Very true as well. And that's what I've been leaning towards for the last two days. I could have fought before because she gave me the tools I needed to fight with. But if she's taking those away from me, then it just doesn't make sense. I was planning on telling her I want to stop contacting one another for now anyway tomorrow since we had initially set up a skype session Friday to reassess the situation but that was interrupted.

Thanks to the both of you for the advice. Both replies addressed points I already had in my mind so they were reaffirmed a bit. I think I'll combine them. I'll let her go tomorrow by having a talk and laying out my cards. That way if we meet up for Christmas we can just enjoy being around each other instead of me giving her an unpleasant/uncomfortable last memory of us before she leaves the country again. I'll stick with the No Contact after, but I won't beat myself up for loving her. If after 6 months I get no reply then I'll move on.

Thanks guys

[Wakeup]

I've fought for a couple of years now, always being patient and it's always worked out.

Has it though? It's hardly "worked out" if she's willing to give you up. Thing is she knows she has you whatever, whenever so she doesn't even worry and does what she wants, when she wants without consequence.

Really? Why do you keep on with this farce?

[wowkasumi]

Wakeup
I've fought for a couple of years now, always being patient and it's always worked out.
Has it though? It's hardly "worked out" if she's willing to give you up. Thing is she knows she has you whatever, whenever so she doesn't even worry and does what she wants, when she wants without consequence.

Really? Why do you keep on with this farce?

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you there. I never said she does what she wants and when she wants. I think you may have gotten the wrong impression. Just because I remained patient and persisted even when ordinarily it seemed like nothing would come from it, does not mean I acted like a doormat. I respected myself during the relationship and wasn't her puppy. And as I said, I'm very good at stepping back and asking myself if behavior would be acceptable if she were just a friend or otherwise. During the relationship she supported me emotionally without fail. She compromised as much as I did, and always tried to be fair. She actually made sure about it because she was afraid me being older would mean her inexperience would be her downfall if she didn't actively try to make sure I had what I needed during our time together.

So yes. Yes, It definitely worked out. I don't question the girl's love for me in the slightest.

The basis of it hardly working out because she's willing to give me up is way too out of context. There are things that she planned to do before she ever got together with me and I told her before we got serious, that after university is definitely the 'most ideal' time for her to do what she needs. i.e Travel.
I'm not faulting her for leaving even if I personally would not do it. A lot of women feel that urge to travel. And a lot who have stayed because of a partner when their hearts were telling them to go, end up resenting the person they stayed with. Love is not everything. We had a great relationship, but people break up. She could have stayed and we break up next year when she has a stable job and is doing well. No, I agree with her thinking. She needs to do her. Which is what I would have done if I had something I felt so strongly about to do. I wouldn't for travel, but perhaps something else.

I was asking for advice on keeping in contact because of the fact that the only reason we broke up is because of the indefinite nature of her trip. I was not asking for advice on whether I was being manipulated. There is no 'farce' to be had here.

[Wakeup]

Well, based on what you've told us, I disagree but I'm not you so it really doesn't matter what I think. You've never, by what you've told us been on the same page and now in your last post you admit to never even ever having the same end dating goals which to me equals a farce for her and a hoping for you... as you still hope.

Hey but don't count my take on your situation. You'll find out soon enough whether or not she's coming back to you or she's done now or she's going to try and string you along until she's ready.. after all, it's all been in her hands as she figured out her young life and how it would pan out while you patiently waited for her to figure out when was best to say goodbye to you.

Anyway; Cheers. May it work out for you the way you want it to after she's sowed some oats perhaps?

[TablesandChairs]

If she was 29 or at that point in her life when relationships/family matter most, she would not have risked losing you for travel. You would have seen the world together, in bits and pieces and when possible. You compromise a bit here, take a bit there. But she's not at that age so unfortunately any control you had over the situation was packed in a suitcase. All you can do is listen to your gut - wait for a while; have a conversation...I'm not saying go out and date 20 random women because you need to give this time. You need to be convinced that there's no turning back. I think once you're convinced, the state of limbo you're in will dissipate and you'll at least have clarity, enabling you to move on without regret. At the end of the day, she went out and did what she'd set out to do...I'm sure it wasn't totally easy for her but it's better than not and living with regret, later turning into contempt.

[wowkasumi]

Wakeup
Well, based on what you've told us, I disagree but I'm not you so it really doesn't matter what I think. You've never, by what you've told us been on the same page and now in your last post you admit to never even ever having the same end dating goals which to me equals a farce for her and a hoping for you... as you still hope.

Hey but don't count my take on your situation. You'll find out soon enough whether or not she's coming back to you or she's done now or she's going to try and string you along until she's ready.. after all, it's all been in her hands as she figured out her young life and how it would pan out while you patiently waited for her to figure out when was best to say goodbye to you.

Anyway; Cheers. May it work out for you the way you want it to after she's sowed some oats perhaps?

So cynical. Then again by your post count I can't say I blame you. You probably see your fair share of bleeding heart stories from naive fools on this forum. But we'll disagree. Even though by your tone I can tell you think I'm also a naive fool. But after being manipulated in the past I don't let myself listen to words. I look at actions. And her actions added up. They're just not in this post. Because I did not post on all the great things she did. It wasn't the area I was looking for advice on. Anyway we've agreed to disagree. I'll just address what you've said quickly.

1.) Yes I was ahead in the relationship the majority of the time. I never said she never got there. We've been on the same page for the last year out of the three. If she wasn't, then I'd have no reason to even question my decision.

2.) I think if you read my last post again you're going to see we both knew very early that she was going to have to leave. So my end goal was always to enjoy it fully while it lasted and then say goodbye.

3.) Because I was thinking maybe I'll ask here for a second opinion as to if I should go on with my original decision to say goodbye and give up on a healthy relationship that is not based on, "Oh my gosh I love you so much! And you know what? I love you so much!" or at least keep in touch(since I generally do NC and wanted opinions from people who have kept in contact with a message every few weeks or so) so as to not burn any bridges, I am deserving of the condescending jabs in your posts?

4.) My posts here were all focused on a certain aspect. It is impossible to judge a three year relationship based on targeted posts with no context. Again, I've left out all the things like how she would work two jobs, juggle classes and study time, being president of one of her university clubs, and be absolutely exhausted, and still go out of her way to take a $50 bus for 3 hours, just to surprise me one night and meet my friends that she did not know, to have to get on another $50 bus the next morning for three hours to be back at school. And this behavior was consistent for the second half of the relationship. Actions, not words.

- - - Updated - - -

TablesandChairs
If she was 29 or at that point in her life when relationships/family matter most, she would not have risked losing you for travel. You would have seen the world together, in bits and pieces and when possible. You compromise a bit here, take a bit there. But she's not at that age so unfortunately any control you had over the situation was packed in a suitcase. All you can do is listen to your gut - wait for a while; have a conversation...I'm not saying go out and date 20 random women because you need to give this time. You need to be convinced that there's no turning back. I think once you're convinced, the state of limbo you're in will dissipate and you'll at least have clarity, enabling you to move on without regret. At the end of the day, she went out and did what she'd set out to do...I'm sure it wasn't totally easy for her but it's better than not and living with regret, later turning into contempt.

I agree. Maybe if we met later. But it is what it is. That's life. You always have to bounce back eventually.

Haha. No I won't go out and date 20 random women. Days of that after a breakup are gone. I will probably need a good bit of time after this one. Which is why the 6 month time frame you mentioned isn't that bad. Because I wouldn't be over her by then anyway and I'm very comfortable on my own.

Actually I'm not going to lie. Between yesterday and today has been the first time I've felt at peace since I made the decision to stop contacting each other for a little while. I think it will give us both clarity come Christmas time and it will give her the opportunity to miss me a little bit I suppose.

Exactly why I didn't try to stop her. I believe she would have regretted it, and resented me for it.