Hurting over my past

[doodie182]

Hi guys,

I'll try to keep this simple as possible. I need a little objective advice and thoughts from you and would totally appreciate it.

Basically I'm ashamed of my past and it's eating me up. Earlier in the year I was in a pretty lonely place - I live alone far away from home - and had some encounters with guys, some I know, a couple I don't. The number isn't HUGE but it's a few more than my current boyfriend has had girls.

A couple of these encounters were with a close male friend whom I have known quite a while. He is one of the only good friends I have here. We both understood that we would not enter into a relationship. I can't cut him off because. As I said, he's one of about two good friends I have. He's not a bad guy who "used me". We have always maintained a friendship.

Anyway, a few months ago I met my boyfriend, a wonderful guy. But now, because of my past, I feel I don't deserve him.

I have been completely faithful to him since we started dating and have refrained from casual encounters. I'm not even interested in doing that anymore because I really care about my boyfriend. For a few weeks into the relationship I still had a few problems with flirting a little, but put a stop to that too very quickly.

But I still feel like he deserves better than me. He's not extremely judgmental of my past and he has met my friends, but last night we had a mini row over a guy from months and months ago who I had a brief fling with, and that my boyfriend hates. I told him it was in the past and wouldn't happen now. We made up quickly, as usual, and stopped talking about it.

This only made me feel worse because I worry how my past might hurt my boyfriends feelings. I can't change it, all I can do is prove to him that I'm faithful and would never sleep with or enter an emotional affair with anyone else. He trusts me but I worry that this mini row might come up again later and that he might not be able to handle my past.

Do you think I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it go? Because this is eating me up every day of my life. I've always had a guilty conscience (stems from anxiety) and it causes me to make myself very unhappy.

I just want to be happy with my boyfriend now and leave the past in the past. What should I do?

Thanks guys

[andytownsend]

If it really bothers you, I think the best way to deal what you feel is to let the other person know. It would be so unfair to him that you will break up because you feel like you don't deserve him. Let him know and let him decide. If he feels like your past doesn't matter anymore, let it go, move on and keep him. He's a keeper goodluck!

[doodie182]

Thanks for your comment he does know about my past, I've been totally upfront with him about it from the start. He knows that before we were together I was a bit wild, but he believes me that when I'm in a relationship I'm loyal.

You're right, if it bothers him he has the right to end it, as unfair as that would be. But he hasn't, so I'll take that to mean he does trust me.

Thanks again

[davidmartin]

Hi guys,

I'll try to keep this simple as possible. I need a little objective advice and thoughts from you and would totally appreciate it.

Basically I'm ashamed of my past and it's eating me up. Earlier in the year I was in a pretty lonely place - I live alone far away from home - and had some encounters with guys, some I know, a couple I don't. The number isn't HUGE but it's a few more than my current boyfriend has had girls.

A couple of these encounters were with a close male friend whom I have known quite a while. He is one of the only good friends I have here. We both understood that we would not enter into a relationship. I can't cut him off because. As I said, he's one of about two good friends I have. He's not a bad guy who "used me". We have always maintained a friendship.

Anyway, a few months ago I met my boyfriend, a wonderful guy. But now, because of my past, I feel I don't deserve him.

I have been completely faithful to him since we started dating and have refrained from casual encounters. I'm not even interested in doing that anymore because I really care about my boyfriend. For a few weeks into the relationship I still had a few problems with flirting a little, but put a stop to that too very quickly.

But I still feel like he deserves better than me. He's not extremely judgmental of my past and he has met my friends, but last night we had a mini row over a guy from months and months ago who I had a brief fling with, and that my boyfriend hates. I told him it was in the past and wouldn't happen now. We made up quickly, as usual, and stopped talking about it.

This only made me feel worse because I worry how my past might hurt my boyfriends feelings. I can't change it, all I can do is prove to him that I'm faithful and would never sleep with or enter an emotional affair with anyone else. He trusts me but I worry that this mini row might come up again later and that he might not be able to handle my past.

Do you think I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it go? Because this is eating me up every day of my life. I've always had a guilty conscience (stems from anxiety) and it causes me to make myself very unhappy.

I just want to be happy with my boyfriend now and leave the past in the past. What should I do?

Thanks guys

You're a lovely girl.
You're a typical slightly insecure girl, who is a little lonely, and requires some male attention to validate yourself in some cases.
Speak to your boyfriend. Tell him you're worried he's upset over your past. But you need to tell him, the past is the past, if i'd met you sooner,
there'd be nothing to talk about.

Believe me you're a typical normal woman, just ask him if he's ok with your past, then forget about it as you can't change it, you can't let the past effect
your future. Good luck and if he is a good guy, and you're great to him, then you do deserve him if he accepts your past.

You'll be fine, it's not a big deal!

[TheEvilJester]

I tell you what.... think of it likes this.... Would you blame him for things he did in his past? I would venture to guess you would not. So, why beat yourself up over your own past?

When you weren't in a relationship, there was nothing wrong with what you did. If that was what you wanted, that was just fine. Now that you are in a relationship, by your own admission, you stopped all that activity and have been faithful. Do you know what that makes you? Awesome, in my book. So, why beat yourself up about it? Let him decide whether or not you deserve him. He obviously thinks you do since he is with you.

As far as your minor little kerfuffle, I think that was probably more so because it was somebody he does not particularly like. You said he knows about your history and has no problem with it. So, I think it is more one of those guy things we men sometimes cannot help be do no matter how much we may intend not to be that way. It's a sort of "I HATE that guy. How could you have been with him?" kind of thing. It's stupid, but sometimes we can't help it. He'll hopefully get over it. If not, then HE would be the one who is petty and YOU would be the one who deserves better. I'm sure, though, that you are just worrying yourself over nothing. As I've said before, I can really relate. I am practically the king of worrying myself over nothing.