"Sentimental" Gifts From Boyfriend

[sweet314]

I'm just wondering on how I should handle this situation.

Brief background:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We are both right around 30 years old. Growing up, my boyfriend was very close with his grandparents. They died before we met, so I never had the chance to meet them. Since we met, his gift giving has always left a bit to be desired. He would give me nick-knacks and stuff that I don't want or know what to do with. I always tell him thank you, but I'm always disappointed. It's not about the price of the gift...its about the effort put in and knowing me to know what I like.

A couple years ago for my birthday or an anniversary (I don't remember which), my boyfriend got me flowers and wrapped around the vase was a cloth/handkerchief. He told me that it used to be his grandmothers and he wanted me to have it. I thought that was a very touching and sweet gesture. I know how close they were so him giving that to me was special. It said something about how he felt in our relationship for him to give me something of hers. It was special.

Fast forward to our recent anniversary and my boyfriend got me flowers which were very pretty. Sitting on our table was a wrapped box (8" x 8" or so). He said I got you something. I kind of got excited thinking he may have really gotten me something or thrown a little romance in. So I open the box and it is a tiny ceramic heart potpourri dish that used to be his grandmothers. I said thanks, but asked what I would do with it. He said I could use it to put my necklace in it when I'm not wearing it (I always wear the same necklace). Since it was his grandmas I didn't want to seem ungrateful so I didn't say anything.

I also just had a birthday. He said I got you something. I open the gift and it is an old 1960's cookbook that his grandfather gave to his grandmother. I said "Thanks, that's cool" He said the books not the cool part..look at the inscription. So I opened the cover and his grandfather had written "given to my wife...not that she needs it. Your loving husband." He thought it was such a special gift, but I look at it and it's just an old cookbook. He said that I didn't seem excited (I wasn't). I said it was nice. I get the feeling I offended him.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I know he gives me these things with the best of intentions. The first time he gave me his grandmothers handkerchief it was special, but this constant gift giving of this stuff bothers me. I understand he has a sentimental attachment to it, but I don't. I never met them and I don't want to keep accumulating stuff that I don't want/need. I feel like I have to pretend that I like it, but the only value this stuff has to me is the fact that it's special to him.

I can't tell if him giving me this stuff is just a cheap way for him to give me a gift (I feel like he just rummages through old boxes and pulls something out), or if he truly believes that it is special to me and I want it. The only reason it would be special to me is because he believes I am special enough to be given something of his grandparents.

I don't know how to tell him any of this. He is a great guy who I love and I KNOW he loves me. I just wish he could give me a normal gift and put in some effort into something I want. I want to look at a gift from him and think of him, not his grandparents. I don't want to hurt or offend him. Anyone have any advice?

[woody]

If he wasn't smitten with you he would never offer you these sentimental gifts that were once given to his GrandMother by his GrandFather. I don 't understand why you would think otherwise...

It all sounds very romantic to me. Perhaps he is thinking one day you can pass them along to your child and he or she can pass it on to their significant other.
These are very special gifts that no dollar sign can even touch. What's the problem? I'm sorry to say, but your post comes off rather like a spoiled brat of sorts. Granted and I don't mean to be rough but what makes you think he's just going through a box and grabbing the first thing, throwing some wrap on it and offering it without heart or genuine meaning?
He's giving you some Family history. That is golden, very romantic....and irreplaceable.

If you didn't mean much to him do you honestly think he'd give you these very special treasures? Do you?

[sweet314]

I am in no way questioning his feelings (hence why I said I KNOW he loves me). I think you missed the point. It's just getting to the point where anytime a gift occasion occurs, I get these things and I don't know what to do with them. I honestly don't know what to do with them other than have them sit and collect dust. To me it is just stuff. I don't know any back story or history behind these objects. I don't know much about his grandparents other than they helped raise him (he doesn't open up much about his growing up even when I try and talk to him). So while I appreciate the sentiment, I don't have any connection to these objects other than he values them because they belonged to his grandparents...I have no stories or history (I've barely even seen a picture).

I am fully aware of the sentiment and love that he gave this to me with. That is not lost on me. But I am getting over saturated with his grandparents things and it is losing its specialness. Every gift he gives me was theirs (birthday, anniversary, Christmas...). It's a nice gesture, but it represents them, not us.

The handkerchief from his grandma was very special to me because that showed how he viewed me in our relationship...he wouldn't give that to me unless he saw a future with me. That was a milestone in our relationship. My reaction of surprise, love and appreciation was 100% genuine. Then he gave me the heart container and I was appreciative of that. Then came the book and I guess my reaction wasn't what he was expecting. I said it was neat and the sentiment that his grandfather wrote were sweet. I said thank you, but I get the impression I offended him.

I understand his intentions, but I don't want to have to feel forced to value something and give a fake reaction. I want to let him know how I feel and not hurt him. That handkerchief was so special and now I keep getting the same kinds of gifts. It makes the initial gift lose value because there is always going to be more stuff coming my way (for every occasion). I understand the occasional sentimental gift like that (it's sweet), but for every single occasion?

I guess I would like him to put thought into a gift that represents us. Something I can look at and think of him. Something that he sees and says "oh, I bet she'd like this." Over saturated is the best way I can describe it. I'm over saturated by gifts that I know no meaning behind and have no attachment to. Maybe if he gave me some history behind these things or I knew about his childhood it would mean more to me.

[dontaskme]

just tell him you don't want them and have no need for those items, that you'd rather appreciate him giving you something of value to you.

When my boyfriend offers me something that belongs to his grandmother or mother, I say no thank you... I have no use for them. He tried to do it in several occasions and I repeatedly told him that I don't have any use for recycled items then he eventually stopped.

[fearoflove]

If you have a problem telling him how you truly feel about something or if he has issues accepting your honest opinion in something like this, the relationship you have together is not as close as you think despite being together for 4 years. I think you should telling him candidly about how you feel but you can be sensitive about it. Just say you appreciate his gifts but you have no use for something like this, and you would prefer _____. He might be upset for a little while depending on his temperament but if something like this can destabilize your relationship, I don't think you two can manage to stay together in the long run since there might be tougher things to face in the future.

[surfhb]

So in the 4 years you've known him he's given you only 3 gifts? I find that hard to believe.

Btw guys?! Don't get your gf a ****ING COOKBOOK as a gift. Lol

You need to communicate with him

[TablesandChairs]

I think I understand. You want the gifts to about about you - not gifts that were between his grandmother and her husband - that was about them. That was their life. That book was something his grandmother would have wanted. Even though I do understand the sentimentality behind it, you're not his grandmother and if it's your birthday, for example, a gift should be for you, thought of by him based on who you are, what you like and what you value.

[iCraze]

If you have a problem telling him how you truly feel about something or if he has issues accepting your honest opinion in something like this, the relationship you have together is not as close as you think despite being together for 4 years.

Very well said. If you have trouble being honest with him then there's a bigger problem. Either way, you should be able to talk to your "other half" about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

[Sabbi696]

As much as I believe "it's the thought that counts" personally, I think he should be keeping these things for himself. One or two things given to you is fine, but since you didn't know his grandparents it's kinda weird that he's giving you family things that really have no significance to you. I think the handkerchief was really cute, or if he had a piece of her jewlery or something..but the cook book is a bit weird.

I would just simply state that you appreciate the thought, but since you didn't know his grandparents it feels a bit odd.

- - - Updated - - -

As much as I believe "it's the thought that counts" personally, I think he should be keeping these things for himself. One or two things given to you is fine, but since you didn't know his grandparents it's kinda weird that he's giving you family things that really have no significance to you. I think the handkerchief was really cute, or if he had a piece of her jewlery or something..but the cook book is a bit weird.

I would just simply state that you appreciate the thought, but since you didn't know his grandparents it feels a bit odd.

[sweet314]

I think I understand. You want the gifts to about about you - not gifts that were between his grandmother and her husband - that was about them. That was their life. That book was something his grandmother would have wanted. Even though I do understand the sentimentality behind it, you're not his grandmother and if it's your birthday, for example, a gift should be for you, thought of by him based on who you are, what you like and what you value.

This is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about. I'm glad you understand what I was trying to say. I appreciate the sentiment and what it means to him, but it's getting to be too much.

I did talk to him about it over the weekend. Things got sorted out and I think he understand my feelings. I asked him to explain the gift more...give me the history and why he gave it to me and it made me understand his reasoning better too. Thank you for the advice.

[TheEvilJester]

I think others have offered good advice, so I don't have too much to add. I do just want to add that I do not think sweet314 is being greedy or missing the point of a gift. When he first gave her the handkerchief, she truly appreciated and got that it was special. The thing is, if you constantly give gifts like this, it ceases to be so special. I mean, the fact that he has now repeated it twice kinda makes me wonder if he is just lazy and/or cheap about gift giving and thinks this is an easy way to give a gift that SEEMS meaningful. Maybe that would just be my paranoid, mistrusting mind speaking, but maybe not. If that IS the case, then that shows even less thought. In fact, that's almost deceitful. That is like saying "I don't want to put any thought into your gift, but I want it to look like I did."

It is a delicate situation, though. Because, maybe he sincerely thinks they are meaningful good gifts. So, you don't want to hurt his feelings if he legitimately does think the gifts will mean a lot because they mean a lot to him. At the same time, though, they aren't really well thought out because the gift should also mean something to you. If it were once in a while, that would be lovely. But, it has now been the least three gift giving occasions where these things were his main gift.

The others have offered good advice on how to deal with it, so I don't have much to add to that. I'd be kind of confused on how to deal with that situation myself. But, at least know that one more person is on the side of agreeing with how you feel in this situation. Good luck. I hope this works out well for you.

[sweet314]

Thank you "TheEvilJester" for your input. I'm glad you see understand I'm not trying to be greedy or unappreciative. You pretty much hit the nail on the head with what my thoughts are. We did talk about everything. He did say that he didn't know what to get me (I admit I am hard to buy for because I don't really need anything), but I also believe that he had a lot of heart behind giving me the book (he was very close to his grandfather). So yes, the book was a simple/cheap way to give a gift, I think his heart is in the right place. He understands my perspective, and I understand his.

We've been though a lot over the last 4 years and have learned how to have serious conversations. We've learned how to effectively communicate and do so very well. I just didn't want to hurt or offend him which is why I asked for suggestions. It's not that I feel I can't talk to him, or that he'd get mad...I just wanted others perspective on how to handle it. Thank you all for your advice. Everything worked out well.