Thanks everyone, especially eviljester, woody & loveisathing! And to reply to wakeup... I never said the situation justified my actions; I just know the difference between feeling guilty and regretting something. I dont like what I've done, I feel like a disgusting person, but I understand WHY I did it. If that makes any sense. Im done explaining myself on that note though.
And I dont mind answering any of those questions jester & woody. He was so affectionate and loving in the first year and a half of our relationship, but that barely exists anymore. We dont kiss often, cuddle, even touch eachother.. Unless I initiate it. I feel like Im the only one putting in effort and hes aware of that. We have had talks about this numerous times and he'll make an effort but it eventually escapes his mind and were back at square one - me having to try so hard for us. We have sex maybe once every month and a half. A couple months ago, we hadn't had sex for almost three months. I was just exhausted and it eventually boiled down to a huge fight because he didnt even want anything from me on his birthday :S I just dont understand because I know he was molested and I try to take this into account as much as possible, but then why was he so different in the beginning? When I ask him these questions and were on the topic of discussion, it could go both ways I never know - theres been times he gets super defensive, but hes also opened up to me about everything. I guess the only thing we can do about it now is get help.. I know deep down he wants to, but is scared. Our scheduels are so busy and I feel at 22 years old I shouldnt be dealing with something like this, but Im willing to because I really do love the guy. Hes my bestfriend. I just need that intimacy in a relationship.. Its nice to know Im not the only one. Thanks again guys!