Hey, so I am going to write my novel of a story and hope that I can get a few messages of advice to make me feel a lot better and hopefully help guide me out of my position.
So in June I started dating a girl who is 8 years older than me (34), things started off slowly and we were friends for a few weeks before I finally kissed her and we started officially going out a week after that.
At first I began to have gut instincts that she may be hiding things from me as she had a password on her phone and would always move the screen of her phone away from me if she was messaging and it was the same with her computer, but I didn't really feel that it was a massive issue at the time.
So as we kept seeing each other more it only took a month before we were both saying that we love each other.
Within that month she had mentioned that she wants to plan for a baby within the next 2 years to which I agreed to, of course I needed some time to think about that but I was fine with that.
Just after a month of going out I had a gut feeling that she was meeting a "male" friend somewhere but seemed to be hiding it for some reason so I went to where I thought she was and she was there just chatting her her male friend, I walked off after I had been seen then later ended up going back to her place and getting emotional about it all and ended up telling her about my past and past girlfriends cheating on me.
About a month after that I walked in to her unit (as I have a key) but had not told her that I was coming over and ended up staying there the night, but got woken up by her telling me she was really anxious that I have to leave (this was at about 1am) so I left and ended up sleeping in my car outside her place.
On that Sunday I asked her what was wrong and she said that she wants to break up and that she needed space and time without a relationship, so that happened then we went to the beach and had a nice day as if nothing ever happened.
The next day would have been our 3 months of going out anniversary and we went out to dinner and I slept on the couch at her place, but she came out and said "this will only make us stronger" and I ended up just lying in bed next to her (we always sleep with nothing on and this didnt change)
For the following 3 weeks we saw each other prety much every second day and we constantly message each other every day, most of the time at night when going to sleep she says I love you xx so I respond back the same, in person when we spend time together we still kiss and hug and hold hands like a normal couple would do.
I found out that in those 3 weeks she had sex with another guy three times at least, when I confronted her about it she said that it was just sex because she didnit want love involved like it was between us, but couldn't be in a relationship because she didnit love herself and her life was so bad at the moment.
I didn't speak to her for a day or so but then started talking again, whenever I go over to her place and just watch tv with her we kiss and I sit there rubbing her feet but we never have sex, we have been close but then she pulls away and says its too hard.
Just this past weekend I took her away on a holiday and we had a really good weekend away as if we were a normal couple, there is no tension when I grab her hand or put my arm around her or lay in bed and hug her. We had a spa where things almost happened but again she pulled away and I tried not to get frustrated at that but it is hard to understand how she can tell me every day that she loves me so much and kisses me and holds hands, still even undresses in front of me, just everything a normal couple would do in a good relationship.
When we got back last night we had dinner together and watched tv, she came over to me on the couch and laid there in my arms and every now and then we would kiss but it just made it so much more confusing, then I left but she sent a message saying that she was scared so I drove back and laid there next to her in bed. This morning we were hugging and I felt the chemistry between us but then she said she had to get up and that was it.
I am just so confused right now, she does not seem the type of person who would be using me but I just don't know.
This morning I mentioned looking for a place together with 2 rooms just to ease financial stress and she said I don't think it would be a good idea now because we don't know what will happen in the future and it might make things difficult, this is true but I am just confused as to what I should do exactly.
Do I try to pull away from her a bit or will that make her just want to find someone else, I just have so many questions but no answers.
Of course this is just as much as I can think to write at the moment but I have tried to write out the best possible timeline and information.