Did I Assault Her?

[misombra]

You can show compassion to somebody without being altruistic. It really isn't about about her being unloveable because she was raped, its about her being a liar, cheater, and manipulator.

But all this does not matter in the end. Vinny is not leaving her. Ytheres something attractive to him about the drama and chaos. Some guys are into it and you cannot blame someone for not being into it.

[michelle23]

Hey Vince

I only just read this now. I don't think what happened was your fault. I think you were just trying to restrain her in self-defence.


I dont think your relationship is healthy. The first 6 or 7 years were a complete lie and she obviously had no respect for you or empathy for your feelings and I dont think she can use what happened to her as an excuse to be abusive towards you.

Shes a liar and a cheat and shes also violent if she does not get her own way. Id be walking away if I were you.

[VincenzoG91]

I'm taking the good with the bad, and will persuade her to get some therapy this summer. I never say anything good about her here, so I will now, to give a more balanced perspective.

She is intelligent, funny, and passionate about causes, especially about the environment. When she is happy, she is a joy to be around, brimming over with energy, enthusiasm, and giggles. When she is working on something important, she is absolutely driven, and isn't satisfied until she has done a great job. She likes my family and gets along great with my mom. She is supportive of my hobbies, which overlap with hers. We also have overlapping taste in music. She has had some great insights about me that have helped me become a better person, especially when she got me to take an anger management class. (Friends who had known me for a long time were especially grateful for the anger management.) She isn't gorgeous, but her mixed heritage has given her naturally bronze skin with a light dusting of freckles below her eyes. She has big eyes and an expressive mouth.

[Wakeup]

We know you love her, Vincenzo but you can get all those things from another girl in time, one who doesn't push your buttons, assault you when she's angry, not still issued from past abuse and not very good at turning every negative happening around to make you feel that it was 100 % your fault. One who doesn't have a $100,000 debt, one who won't use her sexuality to manipulate you back to her when she knows she was wrong but won't admit it to you.

I won't say anything more except that I hope for your sake she starts therapy. You're too good to be taking on her issues, that's her therapists job, not yours.

[michelle23]

Of course even the worst people have some redeeming qualities. That doesnt mean you have to put up with all their BS. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good and thats when its time to say goodbye

[JJsky]

Yes, getting abused and raped will has some effects on you. But it is NOT an ongoing excuse to be abusive or borderline crazy. It is not an excuse to keep living in denial, blind to your own faults and losing control over yourself.
I was physically and mentally abused by my parents (punched and kicked until I bleed, locked out of the house overnight, bruises, burns, cuts, ashtray thrown at me, yes those happened). I was molested by my own dad, and I was raped by a policeman (of all person). I was manipulated by a man. Yes, I was violent and defensive because that was the only way I know how to express myself. I did not have anybody to depend on and neither did I let anybody help me. I'd be lying if those long years of abuse and incidents do not still affect me negatively, but guess it is not an excuse for me to hurt other AND myself. I still struggle sometimes, but I work on it, because I don't want to continue that behavior on anyone when I, of all people, should know how painful it is.
I am not her and I can't speak for her. I aware people may deal with things differently. However, it is not right to blame all the issue of now into the past. I can't do anything about the past, but I can choose what I want to become TODAY.
I don't think you are helping her in the long run as of now. Only SHE can help herself. This might only be ruining you and her. There will be good times when you think it will be alright to stay with her, you don't want to lose her, you love her, etc. But see the big picture here, are you just delaying the inevitable and enabling her?
Let her sort herself out, I'm afraid if you keep being there and continuing the destructive cycle, she won't have the resolve she needed.
Excuse me for being blunt.