Need some Ideas!

[Rosebud]

All those ideas are good. But the ideas I'm looking for are ones to make him instigate things first. Like me doing something or wearing something to make him jump me!!!!

[gHEXjt]

I've got a new idea Rosebud. Why don't you go commando in a skimpy skirt one night. When he comes home, you come up with some reason to spread your legs and bend over in front of him, as in "presenting yourself." Then just walk away as if nothing happened, unless he attacks before you even get the chance. I can't imagine that anything would be much cooler than that, except for the fact that he may tear right through his pants and they'll be ruined.

[independent]

All those ideas are good. But the ideas I'm looking for are ones to make him instigate things first. Like me doing something or wearing something to make him jump me!!!!

Get your hair cut. Buy a new outfit. Make some new friends, and go out at least once a week to meet her/them for dinner.

He will be all over you in less than 10 days.

The less interested you appear, the more interested he will be. The more interested you are, the more pressure he will feel.

[marie132]

does he usually not jump on you? how about u tell him ud liked to be jumped on lol *blushes* XD

[whaywardj]

Hm. Annoyingly close to playing the hard-to-get game, Independent, and could backfire. He may respond favorably to her apparent disinterest. But the germ of your suggestion might be worth pursuing on several counts. The more you have your own life to live, RB, the more he's gonna have to keep up with you if he wants to keep you at all. So, yeah. Short of game-playing or giving him excuses to ignore you, start developing a life-style that has nothing directly to do with the relationship OR with being a mother. I'd hazard those are ONLY two roles he imagines you're capable of performing...or even want to. Surprise him by showing him how very wrong he can be about his presumptions. Being kept alert to the fact that my lady isn't always only what I think is has always kept me on my toes to keep her interest in me going...which may be a crux in your circumstance: Why are YOU the one working to inspire greater interest? Do something which compels him to, for a change. The earmarks of Independent's suggestion -- new circle of acquantainces, etc. -- would a natural outcome of re-visiting your own, personal interests and cultivating them.

[independent]

My point exactly, Hayward. And no - I dont suggest "head games" as they can be extremely frustrating, and definitely can backfire on you.

But Hayward brought the point home very well. Just to say that when men feel pressured, or they sense that we are "needy", it pushes them into somewhat of a corner (and really lowers their sex drive).

If you drop this focus... and focus on YOU for a change (which is very healthy, by the way)... then everything will fall into place. You will either move on with your life (with someone who appreciates the hell out of you) or he will step up to the plate... and you can move on with your relationship!

[whaywardj]

Yep. There is a sort of inexorable physicality about it. Like chemistry. This combination of elements with blend with that combination, but that combination won't blend with another. Bottom line: Follow your bliss and what (and who!) works with it will be drawn to you naturally; what doesn't will be naturally pushed away. Can never really predict or control whose names might be attached to which things. Which is a pity for some egos. But a joy for others. So, in the end, it all rather balances out. In the long run, entropy always wins, in any case.

[fear_21]

well a lap dance would inpress me like hell

[Rosebud]

Thank you Hayward and Inde.. I have been trying to do that lately. But it's harder to do now, I have come to a lot of realizations in the past 48 hours that make me no longer want to look for ways to get him to instigate things since I don't think it's going to happen. There's other ways I need to approach this and I think it's just like you guys said I need to almost start a new life of my own. I have to say I think it would turn out differently than how I hope it will, But I don't think I have a choice right now. If he can't find me sexy anymore because I'm the mother of his child or because he thinks I'm so dependent on him then he's the one has to change not me and I can only do so much. I'm about at my wit's end right now. I'm having a very hard time with all of this as it has just recently come back and slapped me in the face again. So something else has to be done.

[independent]

*hugs*

I understand how you feel. I truly do. My ex husband and I had sex maybe once a month - twice in a good month - and for all of 10 minutes at that (and that included the shower before AND the cigarette after!!).

Anyway... do what is right for YOU. Ultimately, this is also what is right for your daughter.

This is NOT your fault. Fault and blame dont really have a lot of place here at all, actually. At least, in my opinion (and from what little I know).

I really loved the guy I just moved out of my house. He was the man in my life for two years. A great man in a lot of ways. I tried EVERYthing to "inspire him" to be what I needed. I didnt need for much, just wanted a little of this or a little of that (which I could never seem to get). I finally realized that if he was as in love with me that I was with him... those things would come natural for him. They never did.

You know very well how hard this split has been on me. Yes he did some terrible things. But he also did some wonderful things. So I'm torn, and regardless of what an ass he was in the end... I'm heartbroken. And that sucks. But it sucked while I was right in the middle of it all too - so there ya go. At least now I am on the way to "healing" (and feelings TONS better by the day).

Not saying a split is right for you - or that its not - but just know that I can relate, and we're here for you if you want to talk it out.

[Rosebud]

Thank you Inde. This is all very hard for me and I'm so Frustrated with everything at hand. It was so much easier back in the day when there wasn't a child involved. I could just walk away if I wasn't happy, and not look back...Now it's a little differnet because not only is it my happiness I'm concerned but my daughter's as well. And I would hate to think something like sex could break up a family, but when one person stops caring about how the other person feels in regards to that, it's likely the feelings will be same on all other things as well. I hate thinking that becasue I wish things could work and I want them too but with this last thing that happened it just made me feel so horrible. I'm scared, hurt, worried, and feel helpless all at the same time.

[independent]

Is it something you can share with us (or did I miss the post)?

Being honest - this isnt JUST about sex, is it? Maybe that is the action that represents whatever it is at the root of all this, but it's not "the sex". Or is it?

I know for me it was a lot of other things. I mean with my ex husband. I didnt feel like he wanted me. I didnt feel like anything I thought or felt mattered. I didnt feel happy in general. No connection there.

The guy I just broke up with... well, we had a great sex life. Even when everything was bad (like if we were fighting, or even not speaking) we had great sex. We STILL have great sex and we're broke up LOL.

Anyway, there were times that I just wanted to be held. Or just wanted to spoon with him and watch a great movie. I'd always have sex with him first... because he was SO much better at cuddling and being emotionally connected after a good lay. If I didnt give him some first... he'd be pawing me the whole time, or acting goofy (instead of sweet, which is what I was in the mood for).

Women NEED that, I think - the emotional mushy cushy stuff. I dont know if guys even do, really (do you guys??). On top of all of that (feeling wanted, being connected, etc) sex with the man that you love causes a chemical reaction physically. It gives you a good dose of the all-natural "feel good drug" (certain hormones are released). This is natural, and it's a part of the relationship for a woman.

And it's obviously something you're needing right now...

[Rosebud]

The emotional aspect isn't a problem. He always want's me next to him, to sit or to "spoon" or whatever. He's always hugging me and kissing me and doing all those great things. And it's not even the sex but then again it is. What I mean by that is just this.

We have sex on a regular basis, there's not much foreplay at all (unless I instigate it and then I'm the only one doing it), but it's like 2 or 3 times a week which is lower than what it was but I can handle that. I try differnet things with him and and that's all fine and dandy.

But when it comes down to me starting foreplay or trying to get him excited to get that heat and passion going again it back fires on me all the time. No matter what I do the only thing he will do is maybe play with my chest a little (because that turns HIM on) or check to see if I'm "ready" to have sex.

For instance this is what happened last night: He came home and we were sitting o the couch he hasked me to sit next to with and cuddle to watch tv.. I told him I would if he took his pants off...he ignored me (normally I would have done that myself but I wanted him to do it an wonder what I was going to do)and then an hour later he took them off. I started messing around with him and began to.... continue with oral sex.....I would stop when I knew he was getting too excited and then proceed...I did this several times. The only thing he did was sit there and (enjoy himself) but did not touch me at all. I even told him to and I can see him getting lost in the moment but come on. Then afterwards he knew I was a little hurt about what happened becasue I have told him over and over again it would be nice if he did something to me but he never does. I know he felt bad because afterwards he kept kissing my forehad and saying "wow what did I do to deserve that?" and he was going out of his way to apologize ot me without sayig it. But this is not the first time this has happened, He thinks all I want is sex from him and that's nott he case.

All aspects of everything go back to him making me feel like I'm not sexy and he doesn't want to touch me. I love making him excited because it makes me excited but when I get excited I have to cool back down because nothing happens....

Does any of that make sense????

[whaywardj]

Hm. You know, RB, you keep talking and I keep getting the same impressions that coalesce into the same thought: This man is oblivious to your inner life and, perhaps, his own, too.

From where I sit, it appears as if, in his mind, the pattern of his life is now set. He has his work, his fiance and his child and they're all proceeding predictably down a prescribed path into the future. He'll continue working hard and succeed. You'll marry. The child will grow into an adult. Oh, there'll be ups and downs but, all in all, things tomorrow will be pretty much the same as they are today. Things look pretty good. What more could a man want?

I suspect this may be what you gives you the "missing" feeling. There not being a clear sense of forward movement in time. Or, in other words, a future beyond what is already inscribed by the present. Not sex, which, significantly is, really, ALL about the future (children).

It seems that his contentment with the way things now are might be at odds with your vision of how things could be. Perhaps, he is less ambitious than you.

I begin to become convinced that the only way you're going to escape the stress of things as they stand, or have any hope of changing things for the better, is to set about living YOUR life in ADDITION to his, wherein, it seems, he's perfectly happy for you to remain no one more than a loyal wife and dutiful mother.

Evidently, you need to live your life considerably larger than just that. So, go live it. Start weaving the fabric of it together one strand at a time. If he keeps pace with you, so much the better. If he doesn't, well, then wish him well to rest comfortably in his own smaller pond where the challenges are fewer while you go to net bigger fish in deeper waters of self-discovery.

Seeing you steaming away from the port of his complacency may be the very thing he needs to wake up his own inner life and hop onboard. On the other hand, it could be the very thing which wakes him up to the fact you may be out of his leaque. It's a gamble I think you need to take. Or, at least, one you'll someday wish had taken if you don't.

You're child? I'll say to you what my ex said to me when she left me when our son was three, and I tried to use him as a force to make her stay: "He'll adjust." So will she.

I'd say you're not missing sex OR his attentions, but your own future. It would nice if it could include him. But it dosen't have to.

A further "Hm": Maybe you and Independent should go lezbo and throw in together for a time. You two seem to have quite a lot in common. At the very least, the two of you getting in closer contact would seem to be the very thing that could help each of you acquire some part of what you each, respectively, seem to be aiming for.

[RSK]

wow, this is where all the grown up talk happens, i guess...


...rsk walks out of thread.