Fiance and His Mother

[IndiReloaded]

No because she doesn't even ****in' know me and has never even tried to get to know me. The same reason why she doesn't know Anako's best friend that well because he's not worthy of her attention as well.

Its your job to make nice to her. If you want to think of it in feudal terms, you are the petitioner and she the local lady. Her son is the commodity you want, and she's part of the package. Come bearing gifts, be social and, above all, polite. You should be making the attempt to get to know her, and so doing, she will get to know you.

If you can't, or won't, you will lose out in the end. There's a reason for the painful mother-in-law stereotype. Remember: when you get divorced, she will still be his mom.

[CocoChanel]

LOL. Coco. You are old enough to recognize good sense no matter what the source.

Show some consistent interest in something your MIL enjoys. Pick something you can be sincere about. You don't have to become this woman's best friend, just get along cordially.

She will always be her son's mother. He will never willingly pick you over her & he should never have to. Be smarter. Figure out some common ground and cultivate it.

Well thank you for giving me some credit. I do know good sense. I don't know what she likes other than what Anako has told me.

She likes art... but she doesn't like mine. She likes Boney James... I do too. I bought her tickets to the show for her birthday. I asked her if she wanted to go with me and she said no. I gave her the tickets anyway so she can take who she wants.

I haven't completely ignored her since I have been in Anako's life. Even when I was just his friend. She won't let me in. This is why I ask... after 5 years plus... what more can I do?

[vashti]

She likes art? Why does she have to like YOUR art? Art is personal. Take her to a museum, or learn about the artists she likes so you can converse about them.

If you buy her tickets as a gift, they are hers to do as she pleases. It would be better in the future to say "I have tickets to see Boney James. Wanna go with me? It will be fun."

[IndiReloaded]

She likes art... but she doesn't like mine. She likes Boney James... I do too. I bought her tickets to the show for her birthday. I asked her if she wanted to go with me and she said no. I gave her the tickets anyway so she can take who she wants.

Well, her manners are atrocious as well. Still, there are ways to work around this.

In general, tho, you should discuss these kinds of things (like tickets) with someone first, especially since you aren't close. You can't force an interaction she doesn't want.

I would suggest small things, on a relatively frequent basis. Buying someone tickets to a show forces an obligation that she is probably not comfortable with.

This site seems to have some good suggestions & scenarios you might relate to:

[url]http://www.ask-great-granny.com/agg-motherinlaw.html[/url]

[CocoChanel]

She likes art? Why does she have to like YOUR art? Art is personal. Take her to a museum, or learn about the artists she likes so you can converse about them.

It wasn't like that. She said that Anako mentioned to her that I was into the arts and she asked to see some things I had done. I respected her opinions when she saw some of my work. She was honest and said "Well I don't like your art that much. Sorry." When I asked what type of art she was into... she just said, oh nothing that you have ever seen before. So it wasn't like I just showed her my art for the hell of it. She asked to see it.

[vashti]

She sounds very difficult, but you still need to figure out a way to win her over. Your kids will learn how they can expect their spouses to treat you based on how they see you treat his mother, so in the end, you will reap what you sow.

Sometimes people are simply not *capable* of the behaviors we'd like to see. It sounds like this may be the case with her. If she isn't capable, you can't hold a grudge and be bitchy about it. You just need to learn that she is emotionally handicapped, and treat her the same way you would a person with any other handicap. They just can't help themselves.

[IndiReloaded]

Thank god my MIL is sane. Its always worse for the woman. For some reason, guys don't seem bothered as much if their in-laws are nuts.

[CocoChanel]

http://www.ask-great-granny.com/127.html

I am going to try this for Christmas dinner. His mother thinks I am odd because I don't celebrate Christmas. Even though it is against my beliefs I guess I will just celebrate anyway. Only thing I might have problem with doing is asking her to help me overcome whatever it is that bugs her about me. She would say everything because I've already done this to some extent. It won't hurt to try again but I'm not going to lie... it hurts because I've never done anything wrong to her. To be an outcast and disrespected because I am not rich and uppity is just not fair. To be called racial names and have my heritage disrespected is just wrong and I don't think that is fair.

Add...
But you're right. I can't hold that against her and I need to do my part. Thanks

[misombra]

i'm grateful for my dad and my bf getting along. it makes things great. my dad did not get along with my ex brother in law and it caused so much pain and misery in my family. but my dad is pretty laid back and wouldn't act like an ass like this guys mom.

[IndiReloaded]

Just be smart about it. She does sound like a cranky bitch (tho, nothing happens in a vacuum). You know this, so stop showing her your tender underbelly. Just be adult when you have these exchanges and inspire her to do likewise.

Also, it would be smart to have a response thought out for when she rebuffs you.

[IndiReloaded]

You don't really mean that... I'm sure you would love to see me crash and burn. But thanks.

Geezus Coco, I just saw this. Get over yourself already. Except for those of us who know each other IRL (and we don't hate each other), there is no way anyone here has the time or inclination to wish anyone ill. The fact you get a response here should tell you otherwise.

This insecurity is probably part of the problem with your MIL, btw. Some ppl can sense weakness like this in someone and are inclined to exploit it. Stop worry so much what other people think and just do what you know is right.

[CocoChanel]

Whew. I wonder what I could say as a response though. Especially to the Native American cracks. LOL!

And I know what you mean @miso. I'm actually really glad my family gets along with Anako. They love him.

[IndiReloaded]

What kind of comment does she make about your heritage? Give an example and I'll tell you what I would say.

[CocoChanel]

Okay... once when we all attended a gala together... she made the comment,

When showing up events or dinners...
"Oh nice! I'm glad you didn't show up in Moccasins."
"We eat with silverware and not with our hands in France."
"Have you ever made clothing out of ____insert food name here_____?"

If there is a loud noise outside... several times she has said things like...
"You don't have any cowboys after you do you?"
"Is your teepee bulletproof?"

She is so cheesy but she laughs at her own jokes and insists she is just kidding. She is more clever and puts them in a much fancier way and substitutes some english words for french. I just put it in simplest form.

[IndiReloaded]

Is she actual Parisian french or cajun?