Longing to be loved 2

[TheEvilJester]

I guess we'd need more details, if you want to share them, on the specifics of how you dealt with it to tell you whether maybe you should have handled it differently. Because, my gut reaction would be to say that there's no reason she should be upset with you for going home, especially after you'd spent such a long time together already.

But, I'm hoping you didn't word it to her like you did to us. In other words, I hope your explanation for going home didn't involve pointing out you'd already been hanging out for so long, and I also hope you did not use the word "boring" at all. There's no reason you should have been obligated to stay longer, but there are ways to handle it. Though, I do think I'd agree with your friend that you probably should have just stayed anyway when she asked. I mean, unless there really was some reason you couldn't, like maybe you already had other plans.

Anyway, for now I would say don't worry too much about it. It can be really hard, in an exciting new relationship, not to over-analyze every little thing. Doing that, all you do is drive yourself crazy over nothing. So, as best you can, try not to worry about things like this. Just proceed as though things are fine and hopefully they are. I can't see why she'd be so upset that she wouldn't get over this pretty quickly. So, hopefully by the next time you talk all will have been forgotten.

Wishing you continued good luck, my friend.

[pcmaster]

Update : Staying night at girls place anyway. Will update more tomorrowz.

Thanks again for luck. It was useful.
So yeah seems like relationship becoming serious cause this was second night we slept together without doing anything lol. I mean how many girls are out there with who you just sleep and not doing anything more. That's special, that's love. At least that's how I imagined love in my late teenage years.

You are right Jester about everything. I should just have acted like everything was OK. Shouldn't have let emotions take over. But everything is OK now, so that's all that matters.
It really seems like this girl have high self esteem in a sense that she thinks she deserves to be happy and deserves things to be her way. So in that way things will work from her side.

So yeah man now thinking about it and you have great sense of tact in relationships. You could do well in relationship too since you have all this theoretical knowledge and gut feeling how one should act in diferent situations. Bet you didn't had this when you were younger, that's why you suffered. Then again who didn't. We all did, but it's the pain that motivates grow and learn. Don't know why but just remembered these lyrics - "It's like love, some people get it. For me it's just the pain in the ass, but I'm addicted to the taste of hoping it could last. "

[TheEvilJester]

LOL! You know, I actually sometimes ponder that myself. I have always felt that I would be really good IN a relationship. I'm good at relationships. Even with my ex, it didn't fail because I don't do relationships well. I've always been the type that I am really good at being IN a relationship...

The problem is I just don't know how the Hell to GET in one in the first place. LOL! I'm too shy, too socially awkward, and too (frankly) clueless to know how to even get in a relationship in the first place. LOL! Or... well... I guess maybe it would be more accurate now to say I WAS. Because I think I COULD do it now. Not that I'm not shy anymore. I'm still crazy shy. I still don't think it would be EASY, but I think I could do it. I also don't think it would be like I am an expert at it now either. I think there would still be a lot of trial and error for me, but unlike in the past, I think I COULD do it now. Unfortunately, these days what I lack is the opportunity and the motivation.

I think that is part of what I love about this message board. About helping other people, even if just in some small little way. Part of me, I guess, has just always been convinced that love is not for me whether I want it or not. At times, I've wanted to rally against that and try anyway, at times I've just accepted it. But, either way, I feel like others shouldn't have to share that fate. So, if I can't figure it out for ME, at least maybe I can help in some small way to help others make it work for them.

[pcmaster]

You felt that you would be good for relationships because you have what it takes to be in a relationship. You are build for relationships since you have big heart, amazing capacity of love and sensitive soul.

The problem is I just don't know how the Hell to GET in one in the first place. LOL!

Thats how I felt about relationships and girls most of my life. I seen couples doing normal little things, really simple things that I dreamed about for years and they seemed impossible for me, just didnt knew how to get there. But that changed when I started dating. So I think thats the key answer for you too - start talking with girls and start dating them. From there just see how far you can get and look at dating like at something exciting and challenging. Even if its just a way for few hours to escape your reality and problems, get to know someone new and talk, be social with someone. Girls are really different and so are the interactions and feelings while spending time with them.

Yeah it takes that jump to meet someone you never seen before and been only chatting or to ask someone out who know only a little. But dating is also about being adventurous and getting out of your comfort zone. Until you become numb to fear and are comfortable on first date as much as you are comfortable with talking to your mum. Confidence comes from experience.

I talked with this girl Im seeing now about how damn lucky I been with girls who didnt even reply to 100 times more experienced guys. And she said how many guys are just looking for sex and gives off that vibe. A lot of heartbroken guys who cant love or dont even believe in love. Also I been hearing from girls that guys they meet act like girls own them something, are arrogant and act like kings.

If you come to date without expectations and just looking to have a good time, are interested in girl, see her as a human and not object, can show that interest and appreciate her(celebrate girl with a girl as Julien from RSD said) then you have so much more chances than most guys. If you have just love to give then thats already a lot. I think ability to give and take love is most important in life and thats what we learn life long. Could be easy to open up and share with a nice girls. What helps is being open minded and honest, giving a girl taste of your flavour. Just being who you are and talk like you know a girl already.

Not saying you have to touch girls on first date but even that becomes easy if you take dance classes where you are in contact with girls(Remember Kromat on here years ago? He took salsa dance classes and then started dating for first time in his life in his thirties, it changed his life)

So just as you told me more than year ago here - become social. Open your communication channels, talk with girls and ask them out pretty soon and perhaps talk even with guys to socially warm up. Sure it can be scary(meeting a girl after years break from dating) at first but look for support in friends and close people. Have your support system. I have this book - 50 great date ideas, that I can share with you if you give me your email. So its not necessary to ask girl out to eat and pay for her food. Theres a lot more original interesting and more cost and time effective ideas. But even from basic banal date setups you can progress a lot of you tweak them a bit and are can carry a conversation. Most guys cant do that(carry a conversation).

[Hooo!]

No I think he does know. He is just still scared and making excuses about „the effort“ or being „happy alone first“
Yes relationships are effort and yes being happy first is a good thing
Having someone to share this with is good too.

[TheEvilJester]

LOL! This is why I usually don't talk about myself if I can help it. How many times have I explained myself and yet people either don't understand or simply refuse to accept it? Hooo, I appreciate that you want to help, really I do. And I almost always agree with what you have to say. But, insisting you are right rather than accepting the fact that maybe you are not... it really doesn't help. How many times have I explained I'm not scared of being rejected. Being rejected is basically my life story. I'm not scared to stick a knife through my chest either... but I don't go around doing that just because I'm not scared of it. What's that old saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and yet expecting different results...

Again, I don't mean any offense. I do seriously appreciate that you chime in and that you want to help. But you offer advice, or you offer thoughts, based on a misconceived notion of why you think I've stopped pursuing love. Honestly, though. You've offered me some great advice all the same, so I do appreciate that and certainly hope I motivate myself some day to actually put it to good use. I just don't have that motivation right now. I'm content, I guess would be a good way to put it. I'd love to find love, but I no longer feel like it is so essential like I used to. What is so wrong with that?

You felt that you would be good for relationships because you have what it takes to be in a relationship. You are build for relationships since you have big heart, amazing capacity of love and sensitive soul.


Thats how I felt about relationships and girls most of my life. I seen couples doing normal little things, really simple things that I dreamed about for years and they seemed impossible for me, just didnt knew how to get there. But that changed when I started dating. So I think thats the key answer for you too - start talking with girls and start dating them. From there just see how far you can get and look at dating like at something exciting and challenging. Even if its just a way for few hours to escape your reality and problems, get to know someone new and talk, be social with someone. Girls are really different and so are the interactions and feelings while spending time with them.

Yeah it takes that jump to meet someone you never seen before and been only chatting or to ask someone out who know only a little. But dating is also about being adventurous and getting out of your comfort zone. Until you become numb to fear and are comfortable on first date as much as you are comfortable with talking to your mum. Confidence comes from experience.

I talked with this girl Im seeing now about how damn lucky I been with girls who didnt even reply to 100 times more experienced guys. And she said how many guys are just looking for sex and gives off that vibe. A lot of heartbroken guys who cant love or dont even believe in love. Also I been hearing from girls that guys they meet act like girls own them something, are arrogant and act like kings.

If you come to date without expectations and just looking to have a good time, are interested in girl, see her as a human and not object, can show that interest and appreciate her(celebrate girl with a girl as Julien from RSD said) then you have so much more chances than most guys. If you have just love to give then thats already a lot. I think ability to give and take love is most important in life and thats what we learn life long. Could be easy to open up and share with a nice girls. What helps is being open minded and honest, giving a girl taste of your flavour. Just being who you are and talk like you know a girl already.

Not saying you have to touch girls on first date but even that becomes easy if you take dance classes where you are in contact with girls(Remember Kromat on here years ago? He took salsa dance classes and then started dating for first time in his life in his thirties, it changed his life)

So just as you told me more than year ago here - become social. Open your communication channels, talk with girls and ask them out pretty soon and perhaps talk even with guys to socially warm up. Sure it can be scary(meeting a girl after years break from dating) at first but look for support in friends and close people. Have your support system. I have this book - 50 great date ideas, that I can share with you if you give me your email. So its not necessary to ask girl out to eat and pay for her food. Theres a lot more original interesting and more cost and time effective ideas. But even from basic banal date setups you can progress a lot of you tweak them a bit and are can carry a conversation. Most guys cant do that(carry a conversation).

Thanks, PC. You are definitely very right. I really need to just get out there and be more social. Talk to strangers. Talk to people. Talk to women. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated anymore. "Fear," "Scared," "Afraid." Those are bad words to me. I've never been afraid of rejection. In the past, I think my biggest problem was always that I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I deserved anybody and I didn't think anybody would want me anyway. I looked in the mirror and saw a monster, and I figured that would be what everybody else would see as well. Even then, my problem wasn't that I feared rejection. I always knew it was something I could deal with. It would suck in the moment and then be over and forgotten. I think it was more that I didn't believe in myself, so I didn't see the point.

And for some reason, now that I DO believe in myself, I just can't shake myself out of this newfound complacency. I've accepted where I am. Which, honestly, IS great.... it's just I can't bring myself to want to use that the way I could. The way I should. Because, wouldn't that be so much better a time to search for love when I no longer NEED it... but I still want it? Maybe it will change soon. I don't know. I hope it does. Because, I really should put this newfound peace of mind to good use.

But, for now, I'm happy just being me. People can believe me or not. They can insist it is just an excuse all they want. Doesn't make me any less happy. Especially with peeps like you guys, because I know you mean well.

On a side note, though, I actually would be really interested in that book you mentioned. Are you able to PM me the details? I don't want to post my e-mail address in a thread where anybody could see it.

[Hooo!]

Sorry. I didn’t mean you are scared of being rejected
I think you are scared of not being rejected

[pcmaster]

I see you man. You just don't want to date yet. I was in this phase too Jester. After many tries and failures I was disappointed in girls, so that I didn't wanted to try again. Talked with my sis and she said, rest, be on your own for a while until you want to try again.
So I think Jester you are still in this stage where you happy about your restored life after failure and not keen to paint on this fine picture new colours cause its fine as it is.

You don't want it yet but perhaps time will come when you heart won't be at ease anymore and will want adventure. Maybe tommorow

Perhaps you right Hooo! That everything with girls still pretty much associates to Jester as his first experience that weren't so lucky. Perhaps that experience still need to be overwritten to really make girls exciting to Jester. After my failed love I was thinking that for me girls takes ton of effort and very little results. What was complete opposite after I got lucky.

Perhaps now I have my longest luck since its been 7th time I seen girl. We had pretty deep conversation this moorning. I like when it gets deep. That's when it matters the most.
I'm always lovely dovely with her. Hugs, kisses everywhere, holding hands, touching hair. You name it. Can't say same about her. She can be very sweet to me as well but after work she's ussualy pretty cold. Now here's the difference - for me important is time together and touches kisses etc. These kinda little things that adds up and gets big. I want and kinda expect same from her but not always she feels good enough to cooperate. She have responsible job and she's often under pressure, making life changing decisions. For example yesterday she got a job offer in other country to which she applied cause she need to change something since its been years in same place and everyone pressures her to change things. If she goes away that would be life changing even for me cause we'll that would mean parting for us.
She says she's doing a lot for me what surprised me cause I don't even get to kiss her as much as I want because of her mood. But she mentioned that she's teaching me and working with me a lot, meeting me even when she don't have time. It's funny how different we think and how different is our needs. I didnt say to her - Life coach me and teach me about relationships. But she did and I'm grateful to her for that since that's something unique that no girl have done for me before. She says I have zero experience in relationships and just like a second girl, she also thinks that I live in a bubble- in my comfort zone. I really don't like to hear this but might be true since I can spend days and weeks without real purpose while she have her time planned by hours, even her spare time after work is planned.
So yeah that's the differences between us.

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry. I didn’t mean you are scared of being rejected
I think you are scared of not being rejected

I must confess now that you've lost me. I'm not sure what you mean. Why would I be afraid NOT to be rejected? Wouldn't NOT being rejected kinda be the goal? Do you maybe mean you are speculating that maybe part of me doesn't want to risk another relationship because it hasn't worked in the past? I wouldn't really say that is the case either. In fact, after my last relationship, for a while there, I REALLY wanted a new relationship. I felt like I'd escaped from a bad relationship I had thought I'd be trapped in forever, and finally it was my chance to actually be happy. So, I did want another relationship for a while, even if that meant going through a few of the wrong people before I found the right one.

To be 100% honest, I'm really not even sure WHY I don't have the motivation anymore. That is kind of part of the problem. Because, if it was the possibility of rejection that was holding me back, well, there are ways to deal with that. If it was the possibility of getting hurt that was holding me back, there are ways to deal with that as well. I don't quite know how to fix my problem because I'm not quite sure how to define it. Rejection I can take. Pain I can take. Hell, I even know now that I could endure it all and still be able to find my way back to the peace of mind I have now. That even if I tried and it all went miserably terrible, it wouldn't matter anymore because of the happiness I've found these days in myself. That should be all the more reason to try again, but for some reason I'm just complacent where I am. Which, isn't a terrible thing because at least I am happy, but it still means I'm not bothering to even try as it relates to love. I don't quite know how to fix that.

I see you man. You just don't want to date yet. I was in this phase too Jester. After many tries and failures I was disappointed in girls, so that I didn't wanted to try again. Talked with my sis and she said, rest, be on your own for a while until you want to try again.
So I think Jester you are still in this stage where you happy about your restored life after failure and not keen to paint on this fine picture new colours cause its fine as it is.

You don't want it yet but perhaps time will come when you heart won't be at ease anymore and will want adventure. Maybe tommorow

I hope you are right. About me just needing time, that is. I know you are right about the rest. But, hopefully it is just a matter of time before I DO find the motivation to put my new peace of mind to good use. Because, really, I SHOULD. It's great to be happy within myself. I've never had that before. But, it shouldn't mean I lose interest in finding love. I'm not there yet, but... I don't know... maybe in time I will get there. Right now, it is just different. I can't even explain it really. I've spent my whole life wanting love so badly. At times I actively tried, believing I could find it. At times I gave up thinking I'd never find it. But I always really wanted it. Felt like part of me was missing. ...That's different now. I don't feel like part of me is missing anymore. Or, if it is missing, I don't miss it.

I kind of think of it similar to something like this (I think I've even used this analogy here before).... Imagine you dreamed your whole life of becoming a rock star. That was all you wanted in life. ....But it turns out you suck. You're not good at it. It just isn't working out for you. At first you would be really upset. You'd be bitter, angry, depressed, etc. But eventually, you'd find other ways to be happy and accept that it wasn't meant to be. You wouldn't spend your whole life bitter about what you had wanted (at least I hope you wouldn't). There would still always be part of you that wishes it could happen for you, but you'd accept it, you'd move on, and you'd be happy anyway. That, I guess, is sort of how I feel these days.

Perhaps you right Hooo! That everything with girls still pretty much associates to Jester as his first experience that weren't so lucky. Perhaps that experience still need to be overwritten to really make girls exciting to Jester. After my failed love I was thinking that for me girls takes ton of effort and very little results. What was complete opposite after I got lucky.

Perhaps now I have my longest luck since its been 7th time I seen girl. We had pretty deep conversation this moorning. I like when it gets deep. That's when it matters the most.
I'm always lovely dovely with her. Hugs, kisses everywhere, holding hands, touching hair. You name it. Can't say same about her. She can be very sweet to me as well but after work she's ussualy pretty cold. Now here's the difference - for me important is time together and touches kisses etc. These kinda little things that adds up and gets big. I want and kinda expect same from her but not always she feels good enough to cooperate. She have responsible job and she's often under pressure, making life changing decisions. For example yesterday she got a job offer in other country to which she applied cause she need to change something since its been years in same place and everyone pressures her to change things. If she goes away that would be life changing even for me cause we'll that would mean parting for us.
She says she's doing a lot for me what surprised me cause I don't even get to kiss her as much as I want because of her mood. But she mentioned that she's teaching me and working with me a lot, meeting me even when she don't have time. It's funny how different we think and how different is our needs. I didnt say to her - Life coach me and teach me about relationships. But she did and I'm grateful to her for that since that's something unique that no girl have done for me before. She says I have zero experience in relationships and just like a second girl, she also thinks that I live in a bubble- in my comfort zone. I really don't like to hear this but might be true since I can spend days and weeks without real purpose while she have her time planned by hours, even her spare time after work is planned.
So yeah that's the differences between us.

Sorry to hear that maybe she doesn't always seem to be 100% on the same page. I think for now I'd say try not to worry too much/thing too much into that. Some people are just different. Maybe she's just not the super-affectionate type. Not to mention, work can be very draining. If you have a very demanding job, that can be very tiring even if it is one you enjoy. Not sure if she likes her job or not. If she doesn't, that can definitely ruin somebody's mood. But, even if she does like her job, it can still be busy and tiring.

So, I guess for now probably best not to read too much into it. Just try to go more at her pace. Hopefully her pace isn't slow enough to make you feel like it just doesn't work for you. From what you've said, it sounds like she is affectionate, but maybe just not quite as much as you. So, maybe there will be some middle ground you two can reach where you can both be happy.

That is a shame, the timing of her new job. Has she officially been offered it yet, or is she just one of the candidates at this point? How far away would it take her? How far apart would you two be? I hope that doesn't wind up being a problem. It would be a shame with you two having just very newly entered a relationship for you to have to decide between having something at a long distance or just ending it. I hope it doesn't come to that. Worst case scenario, though, if ti does at least now you know you CAN find somebody. You did before and you will again. ...But I hope you don't even have to find that out.

[Hooo!]

Im not even sure that there is anything to „fix“ with you jester.
That would mean there is something broken.

No I was rather thinking along the lines that you are complacent at where you are at. A relationship wouldn’t change that aspect of your life very much and it means a lot of effort. It also means you could be hurt. While this is „bearable“ it isn’t pleasant. So maybe „scared“ doesn’t fit. It’s just that you don’t see the point in a relationship.
And I agree to a certain part.

Your life doesn’t get happier or easier in a relationship. Hell it gets a lot more complicated.
However it also gets deeper and richer. For me it’s „good for my soul“ I can’t describe that very well.
It’s like having a dog. Life would be easier without it
And it would also be a little more empty

[pcmaster]

So you lack motivation Jester. Think you have to finally come clean here. Either you jerk off and are self sufficient that way cause you can release yourself. Or you dont jerk off and just have low drive what means low hormone levels and with that low motivation. So which one is it?

I remember this guy, maybe you remember him too from this forum - no-se-nada. He once said - Who needs anyone?
So this is problem I think these days. People have learned to cope and be alone, survive without love. I think you have to start need someone in order to become motivated. Like someone to complete you or fulfill you or compliment your life. So now you are self sufficient and getting by a little help from your friends(Like in that The Beatles song).

Im listening to Queen right now-

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams,
Yet slips away from us?


Relationships takes adjusting. So now I see how I should adjust. Been chatting with a friend today and she said its very rare when two people can stay as they are and dont change anything about themselves to stay in relationship. Really trying not to think about negative or analyze. Just taking feedback from girl and adjusting my behavior accordingly.

P. S. I didnt answer to your questions Jester cause don't want to think about negative things before they happened. Might not happen at all so no need to suffer for nothing. When something happens then will think about it.

[TheEvilJester]

Im not even sure that there is anything to „fix“ with you jester.
That would mean there is something broken.

No I was rather thinking along the lines that you are complacent at where you are at. A relationship wouldn’t change that aspect of your life very much and it means a lot of effort. It also means you could be hurt. While this is „bearable“ it isn’t pleasant. So maybe „scared“ doesn’t fit. It’s just that you don’t see the point in a relationship.
And I agree to a certain part.

Your life doesn’t get happier or easier in a relationship. Hell it gets a lot more complicated.
However it also gets deeper and richer. For me it’s „good for my soul“ I can’t describe that very well.
It’s like having a dog. Life would be easier without it
And it would also be a little more empty

I like the way you started this out. I think I needed to hear that. Because, that could really be a great way to sum up what has happened to me. Nothing is broken. In fact, it would be more accurate to say something has been fixed. Something that's been broken as long as I can remember. And, I'm just having a hard time motivating myself to bother doing anything but enjoying that. It's not even in an avoidance kind of way. I know I could survive rejection... or even survive it if I GOT a new relationship and it didn't end well. It's more an attitude of "Meh," that I can't seem the shake. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it is that I don't see the point. I mean, it's not like that part of me is gone entirely. I'd still love to find love. I just don't NEED it anymore. And, again, that actually IS a great thing.... it's just I should still try to find it anyway.

I also LOVE your analogy about having a dog. I feel the same way about my cat. I don't NEED a cat. Life would be a tad less complicated without her. But I would rather have her than not. I guess, in a way, if I REALLY thought about it, I feel similarly about a relationship. I'd rather have one than not. But... I just still can't shake that "meh" kind of feeling. I actually was thinking about this a little over the weekend, and I realize that one way I have described it kind of sums it up best. If the opportunity presented itself to meet somebody great.... I wouldn't ignore her/chase her away. ...But I'm just presently not interested in actively trying to search out that opportunity myself. So, in other words, right now if fate saw fit to bring myself and my supposed soulmate together, I'd go with it... but I'm not motivated right now to try to help fate along. I'm presently fine with it if nothing changes.

Hopefully some day soon I'll be able to put my new peace of mind to good use in that department, though.

So you lack motivation Jester. Think you have to finally come clean here. Either you jerk off and are self sufficient that way cause you can release yourself. Or you dont jerk off and just have low drive what means low hormone levels and with that low motivation. So which one is it?

LOL! Well, it's like I said before... A)I don't think that sort of thing is anybody's business but their own. If you choose to share or not, that is your decision, I personally think that is my own business. B) I also personally think that does not necessarily have any direct relation to the topic. I mean... it CAN. I am sure there are some guys who can become so addicted to doing that to the point where they don't care to have a relationship. But there are plenty of guys in this world who do that all the time and still want a relationship. Hell, there are plenty who do that and are IN a relationship. The two CAN be related, but I think in most cases they are not.

As for me, that has definitely never had a correlation at all. Point of fact, I've always had less of a sex drive than your average guy. It isn't that I don't like sex. I like it just fine. It's just not as important to me as it seems to be to most guys. ...But in the past that never changed the fact that I wanted a relationship anyway. I wanted love because I wanted love, not just because I wanted sex... and love happened to come with it. So, whether I do that or not doesn't really change whether or not I want a relationship or even how much.

I remember this guy, maybe you remember him too from this forum - no-se-nada. He once said - Who needs anyone?
So this is problem I think these days. People have learned to cope and be alone, survive without love. I think you have to start need someone in order to become motivated. Like someone to complete you or fulfill you or compliment your life. So now you are self sufficient and getting by a little help from your friends(Like in that The Beatles song).

I don't necessarily think the right move, for me at least, is to go back to NEEDING a relationship. That wasn't good for me. I think that is a large part about why I didn't value myself. Why I was so down on myself. Don't get me wrong. I don't disagree with you. I think that is good for some people. I just think it was very destructive for me. I need to maintain the frame of mind that I don't NEED a relationship. I just need to be able to get in the mind that I want one anyway. Like I said, I guess to some degree I DO want one...so I think I'm there to some degree. Who knows? Maybe time is all it will take.

Relationships takes adjusting. So now I see how I should adjust. Been chatting with a friend today and she said its very rare when two people can stay as they are and dont change anything about themselves to stay in relationship. Really trying not to think about negative or analyze. Just taking feedback from girl and adjusting my behavior accordingly.

P. S. I didnt answer to your questions Jester cause don't want to think about negative things before they happened. Might not happen at all so no need to suffer for nothing. When something happens then will think about it.

Fair enough, and that is definitely a good attitude to take. I offered my thoughts and advice because I thought you WERE getting a little worried. I am very happy to hear the advice was not needed. Because, definitely, it is much better not to worry over things that could be nothing. And yet, at the same time, it is good not to just get complacent and think it doesn't take work. And you are already aware of that. Said so yourself. Just like you said, you can't just stay exactly the same at all times and think a relationship will last. Which isn't to say you should become a completely different person. Of course not. But, relationships do take work and compromise. It's just the right one is so worth it.

I continue to wish you the best of luck, PC.

[pcmaster]

Of course man I understand that you want relationship because of love not because of sex. But Im just saying that saving up sexual energy makes you more interested in girls, makes girls more attractive and more interesting, raises that curiosity in you and will to finish. Now you have more feeling of meh that can happen even if you release yourself only once a month. I mean you need all help of force of nature you can get. I really dont understand how you been alone for so many years, basicaly like sleeping beauty in the tower. Cause you should have tried again or want again to find love or at least someone to love. Really what you been thinking, what you been doing all these years?

Thanks for luck Jester. It will really be useful cause right now things been far from perfect in my bubble and I dont understand whats happening, just giving it more time to see how things goes. Never got so far with any girl but Im just trying to be good in relationship in all ways I can. Sometimes I succeed sometimes I don't. Really just letting my heart to guide me here, acting upon first heartbeat and being exactly who I want to be in a moment. Sometimes being myself is enough, other times it pushes girl away. I dont see how that will be enough in long run. Either I evolve and grow or its the end. Think I need more experienced approach and ultimately become a better man if I want to make it last.
I have quite few books I know about this topic and also girl been directing me in certain ways, like education.

[TheEvilJester]

Of course man I understand that you want relationship because of love not because of sex. But Im just saying that saving up sexual energy makes you more interested in girls, makes girls more attractive and more interesting, raises that curiosity in you and will to finish. Now you have more feeling of meh that can happen even if you release yourself only once a month. I mean you need all help of force of nature you can get. I really dont understand how you been alone for so many years, basicaly like sleeping beauty in the tower. Cause you should have tried again or want again to find love or at least someone to love. Really what you been thinking, what you been doing all these years?

Well, again, agree to disagree. Personally, I think if you are relying on lack of release to make you want women more, you are taking the wrong approach. Again, maybe that is just me... but I would think a lack of release more so just makes you more desperate for that release. Which, Hell, if you are just looking for a hook-up, maybe that is exactly what you want. But, I'm not a "hook-up" kind of guy. I don't want to date women with the idea being I just want sex (and if love happens to come out of that as well... hey, great.) I want to date women with the idea being I am looking for a partner. Looking for somebody who could maybe be the person with whom I could share my life, grow old together, be each other's best friend. I don't mind if that takes a little dating around here and there to find a keeper, but I'm not just interested in marching into the sack as soon as possible. I know this worked for you, plus you have mentioned you are a member of another message board where many of the members are successfully using that approach as well. But, to be honest, I think in general that would have the opposite effect for a lot of guys. Not getting that release would make it harder and harder to focus on anything BUT sex, which would make it harder and harder to get any kind of meaningful relationship. But, again, I could be wrong, I don't know. As I've said, I'm not like a typical guy in that matter, so for me it wouldn't really make a difference either way.

Anyway, as far as what have I been doing all these years... Well, honestly "all these years" wouldn't really be the right description. Because that has varied. At times I've been too lost in my own darkness to even try. At times, I've been in a better place and HAVE tried. And now, this newest experience, I've been in a REALLY good place and lacking the motivation to bother. So, it isn't like I've been in the exact same boat for years and years. My situation has varied.

Thanks for luck Jester. It will really be useful cause right now things been far from perfect in my bubble and I dont understand whats happening, just giving it more time to see how things goes. Never got so far with any girl but Im just trying to be good in relationship in all ways I can. Sometimes I succeed sometimes I don't. Really just letting my heart to guide me here, acting upon first heartbeat and being exactly who I want to be in a moment. Sometimes being myself is enough, other times it pushes girl away. I dont see how that will be enough in long run. Either I evolve and grow or its the end. Think I need more experienced approach and ultimately become a better man if I want to make it last.
I have quite few books I know about this topic and also girl been directing me in certain ways, like education.

This can happen at times. Ideally, the early part of a relationship should be easier, but that doesn't necessarily mean it always is. It doesn't necessarily mean this particular relationship may not work out. You mention yourself that you are pretty inexperienced with lasting relationships. Just like anything, it can take some practice. We are very individual creatures. When you've lived your whole life just "doing you," so to speak, it can be hard to adjust to having to live up to the wants/needs/expectations of another person. It can take a lot of work and a lot of adjustment.

To some degree it is awesome that she's willing to sort of help you/guide you since she knows you are inexperienced. But, to some degree you do also need to figure some of that stuff out on your own. But I think you are doing that well. You mention you read up on dating stuff. That is great. Do be careful though. There is a lot of good stuff out there as it relates to dating, but there can also be a lot of BS.

Anyway, all relationships take work. It's just a delicate balance between what is normal for a relationship and when it is just becoming too much work. If/when yours is taking some work... I just hope it always remains on the side of being worth it. I will never stop wishing for the best of luck for you, my friend.

[pcmaster]

I see Jester so you been in dark place too. Kinda understand where you coming from cause I been looking for far more basic things than love and relationships for quite a few years in my younger days, really just been existing. But now you got your life together and its a good time to search for higher self, higher meaning in life and relationships. Now you are not depressed anymore and have some stability in your life and mind. You can take that hit if girl dumps you.

You know me man. I always looked for more than hookups and when talking about you I mean the same. Saving up sexual energy don't makes one desperate for release. In long run like 60+ days it rather makes you asleep down there and mind becomes clean from sinful thoughts, one looks to escape triggers and temptation. Emotions gets rewired and things don't associate with sexual stuff. By living pure you become pure. And vice versa.
Thats why its called hardmode and monk mode. Its hard to start first months and hard to to continue for hundreds of days. But when you live like monk with this particular temptation its easy. A lot of guys find God that way. And its great but its not so much about religion as being king of your own desires and urges, its about mastering urges. Getting full control over temptation and lust. Its about thinking first - being fully aware when it gets to sexual things or sex. Theres no zombie mode like addicts have - without thinking, just using lizard brain to get satisfaction and only after orgasm coming back to senses. When you are clean you are fully aware what you doing at all times. And thats why theres no regret, shame or feeling bad after finishing. Its just feels right at all times and if it don't feels right then don't do it. Simple as that.

I know there can be a lot of BS stuff about dating. But book Im thinking about is Way of Superiour Man. Very popular book and been starting to read it years ago but didnt finish. Its full with advanced psychology between man and woman. Then theres few more good books I have from that site I send you in PM.
BTW shes not teaching me everything, just a very few things. I keep making same mistakes anyway cause would have to change who I am to change my behavior. Even if I do change that can happen only gradually.

Thanks for luck Jester. I been very damn lucky today

Good luck to you too man ! Have a good one !