And yet again...

[Cain]

Good (to Cain's last post).

Oh, just to change the subject *slightly*, food for thought on this. More longterm.

There ARE women out there who will understand your tendency to be dominant in the relationship & won't freak out over it. Tho I do think you have some aspects of a controlling personality, I don't necessarily think you need to try to completely change your behaviour about it.

Her acting like this IS a problem longterm if it continues. Its what I said: do you really want to be having her threaten divorce every time you two get in to an argument? I've seen couples like this & its a shit way to live. You need stability, Cain, its evident in your posts. You require a partner who, when they say they have made a commitment, they really, truly mean it.

You can't force that from someone. You can force them to *say* the words, to make you happy, but fundamentally that attitude (deciding that something simply IS) is something that has to come from within them. You have it. I'm not convinced, based on your history, that your GF does.

This discrepancy in attitude will be a future source of angst for you, Cain. I promise you this. So, just make sure you go into this w/your eyes wide open on this. You'll be stubborn and say you'll deal, but just do yourself a favour and think about what I'm saying. There ARE women out there who think more like you & will give you the reassurance & stability that you need to really, truly grow from the marriage experience.

FWIW. Take care hun.

I'm not doing anything until I move over there and get rid of the distance, if we make it that far. Distance is hard. Some people just break things off completely. She only requires a break every year or so. The distance is completely over in seven months. If this were to become a normal thing, I definitely wouldn't stay. She's never threatened to break up with me when we get into an argument. This break here has been the first mention of breaking up since we had our last break nearly a year ago.

The reason this was so shocking is because she gave 100% every day of the last year up until the last week. That's why I'm inclined to believe it's the fear of grad school and the emotional stress of her friend. She did more to show that she cared than I did.

I don't wish any ill will on my relationship, but if it ends it ends. I'm not going to beg her to stay with me. I'm not going to convince her either. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. I'll find out within the next few months. I want an answer by January 1. I'm just not sure when to tell her that since I'm not supposed to be talking about our relationship. Should I just wait until the beginning of December before mentioning it?

[Cain]

Because you were not getting it and probably still not. You will find out when she or you contact.

Reread the first 5 pages of this thread. We already gave you this info. Really we gave you info within the first 2 pages yet you still did not listen and here you are again. Now, we are responding to you again and you say you finally got it. Classic hardheadedness response.

You're right. I'm wrong.

I say I get it but I don't.

Please spend the next 10 pages going over it again.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm just not sure when to tell her that since I'm not supposed to be talking about our relationship. Should I just wait until the beginning of December before mentioning it?

Well, complete no contact wasn't my advice. One only does that when you are trying to get over someone & need to reinforce the fact you are never going to be together. That's not your situation. Not yet anyway, and hopefully not ever.

My advice is to let her settle into her new routine for about a month or so. Let the emotions subside. If she contacts you, great, be light & polite. Don't pressure her by asking questions about the longterm direction of the relationship. LET HER MISS YOU.

After a few weeks of this, I would try for a visit. Try to make it such that neither of you are under too much stress from your studies. I would try to go for a weekend. Spend Friday just having light fun together, then arrange to be together all Sat & most of Sun. On Sat, that's when you find time alone together (someplace pleasant? a park/picnic?) and spend several hours discussing your relationship. If necessary, back off & try again Sunday.

You have every right to not be stuck in relationship limbo by her. You deserve to know you are a priority in her life & you are well within your rights to give her a definite time frame to decide what she wants from a relationship w/you (or doesn't). But, as they say, timing is everything. If you demand something from someone at a time when they just aren't capable of giving it, chances are that person WILL just leave you to get away from the pressure.

Again, think about all of this before taking any action.

[Cain]

You have every right to not be stuck in relationship limbo by her. You deserve to know you are a priority in her life & you are well within your rights to give her a definite time frame to decide what she wants from a relationship w/you (or doesn't). But, as they say, timing is everything. If you demand something from someone at a time when they just aren't capable of giving it, chances are that person WILL just leave you to get away from the pressure.

This, I feel, is where I was having my biggest problem.

I admit now that it probably wasn't best to try to get these answers so soon, but this is what I was wanting... what you mentioned here.

I'll wait it out, like I said, and I'll see what happens. Knowing her, I don't think she'll let a visit happen until she's ready to get back together but by then it might be too late. I'm setting the clock and I'm not waiting forever.

[IndiReloaded]

CityCat, I'm going to disagree with you on this.

Use of the "I" word is actually a *good* thing in communication. If more ppl did it, especially women, communication b/t the sexes would go so much better.

Men are better at getting their needs met precisely b/c they will use the "I" word when a women won't:

[ame="http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=oeLwbZgJ7ns"]YouTube - Connie Podesta: Men Are Better At Getting Their Needs Met[/ame]

[shh!]

I really like indi's post 243, cain. Read it over and over again.

[lesa]

Good (to Cain's last post).

Oh, just to change the subject *slightly*, food for thought on this. More longterm.

There ARE women out there who will understand your tendency to be dominant in the relationship & won't freak out over it. Tho I do think you have some aspects of a controlling personality, I don't necessarily think you need to try to completely change your behaviour about it.

Her acting like this IS a problem longterm if it continues. Its what I said: do you really want to be having her threaten divorce every time you two get in to an argument? I've seen couples like this & its a shit way to live. You need stability, Cain, its evident in your posts. You require a partner who, when they say they have made a commitment, they really, truly mean it.

You can't force that from someone. You can force them to *say* the words, to make you happy, but fundamentally that attitude (deciding that something simply IS) is something that has to come from within them. You have it. I'm not convinced, based on your history, that your GF does.

This discrepancy in attitude will be a future source of angst for you, Cain. I promise you this. So, just make sure you go into this w/your eyes wide open on this. You'll be stubborn and say you'll deal, but just do yourself a favour and think about what I'm saying. There ARE women out there who think more like you & will give you the reassurance & stability that you need to really, truly grow from the marriage experience.

FWIW. Take care hun.

Great post, IndiReloaded and absolutely true. Lol, I once was just like you in character, Cain. *I* was that person Indi speaks of who decided to change for a long term partner because he certainly was not going to. I am a much happier person and it requires major effort. You have to do it because you want to change, and not because a partner wants you to and vice versa. No one should feel they have to change for a partner (unless they acted cruelly). It is extremely important to find someone you are compatible with in many aspects and is complimentary.

As I say to the new posters, "Pretend that this person never changes a thing about themselves, can you deal with that?" Are you okay with that? Never expect someone to change for you and don't feel that you have to change for them. (you are probably unaware that you may be doing it) The only thing she has stated (according to posts) is that she wants to be happy and so she is changing to get that. What about her overall personality? Are you okay with the way she communicates to you, her character, her habits both good and bad ones, her flaws, her temperament and way she argues???

Here's another question: Is she okay with yours?

Don't stress, it will all work out.

[lesa]

I'm not doing anything until I move over there and get rid of the distance, if we make it that far. Distance is hard. Some people just break things off completely. She only requires a break every year or so. The distance is completely over in seven months. If this were to become a normal thing, I definitely wouldn't stay. She's never threatened to break up with me when we get into an argument. This break here has been the first mention of breaking up since we had our last break nearly a year ago.

The reason this was so shocking is because she gave 100% every day of the last year up until the last week. That's why I'm inclined to believe it's the fear of grad school and the emotional stress of her friend. She did more to show that she cared than I did.

I don't wish any ill will on my relationship, but if it ends it ends. I'm not going to beg her to stay with me. I'm not going to convince her either. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. I'll find out within the next few months. I want an answer by January 1. I'm just not sure when to tell her that since I'm not supposed to be talking about our relationship. Should I just wait until the beginning of December before mentioning it?

A LDR has build-in breaks already set in the relationship so my ‘guess’ is that her need for them will be greater without distance. That’s just my thought. I don’t mean anything negative…that’s just how I think. I’ve had two relationships: one LTR living together and one LDR so I’m using my situation to guess this cannot be true. I can understand being frustrated but not needing breaks and then expecting the need for breaks to decline after living closer or together.

As for the time of waiting? I am not sure what to say. I would only give a time after a few months have pasts and I am on the verge of breaking up no matter. If I feel I can deal with her request, I would not say anything at all. You already know that she wants you in her future, so she is not stringing you along or whatever the phase is.

[lesa]

You're right. I'm wrong.

I say I get it but I don't.

Please spend the next 10 pages going over it again.

Wow! I thought we were buddies?

Misombra, may I have some of your popcorn? (I hate popcorn btw but I have the urge for some now.)

[Cain]

Wow! I thought we were buddies?

Misombra, may I have some of your popcorn? (I hate popcorn btw but I have the urge for some now.)

We are.

But when I say I understand, I mean it.

We've gone through two pages with people telling me what I already agreed with.

I'm better now than I was earlier today. Deep down, I already knew how to deal with this situation but my emotions overcame me.

When we had our last break nearly a year ago, we went about 3 weeks without talking at all, except for probably twice... which consisted of me just saying "I hope you feel better" because she had been sick for about 5 days. The only other time I contacted her was when I sent messages to her AIM while she was out of town telling her to be careful because a friend of mine's fiance got into a car accident and it would kill me if something happened to her.

The weekend she got back into town, she told me she missed and needed us. I'll wait my time just like I did then. Around September 15, as long as things aren't worse, I'll suggest we spend a weekend together and see what happens. But like I've said... knowing her... she won't let a visit happen unless she's ready to get back together... and I might not be willing to wait that long.

The face to face is important to me. I won't go six months without one.

[Charlie Boy II]

^^^^ or if he lightened up a bit

[Cain]

This just proves how much a man's man Cain is. He's put too much pressure on the girl by being dominant and controlling. Maybe he's g/f would like him better if he acted less manly sometimes.

Do I really have to repeat myself?

My response for the last three days has been because of emotional shock. I'm over it. You should get over it too.

You know nothing about my relationship to claim that I'm dominant and controlling. I wasn't being controlling or dominant even when I was asking a couple of questions to her. I was giving her what she wanted, I just needed a couple of things so I could better cope with it. She could have three months with no talking if she wanted. I didn't care. I just needed to have something answered... and she answered it. Whether you think her answer was ambiguous or not, I was fine with it. It answered my question.

And now I can move on.

You should too.

[Cain]

^^^^ or if he lightened up a bit

I thought you had me on ignore?

[Cain]

Oh, and I removed every picture her that I'd see on a daily basis. Computer, phone, picture frames... everything. And anything that she got me that reminded me of her.

Might as well prevent any more emotional outbursts.

[misombra]

now that you're on a break, will you be watching porno's?