BF/GF in a Swimming pool with opp gender alone at night?

[LifeInflux]

Wow... some of these women on here....

If you can't trust your guy in a pool alone with another woman... then your relationship has issues...

Call it a pool.... call it a carwash... call it a chatty waitress at the diner.... if you can't handle your guy being around other women.. AT ALL, even in a platonic situation... then find a guy thats reserved to not do those things. (you won't find too many that will never talk to another woman again, sorry ladies).

I would have no problems swimming with just another friend.. be it male or female.. and as long as the person I'm with knows about it, and knows the person, and is secure in our relationship, then theres no harm.

[michelle23]

Wow... some of these women on here....

If you can't trust your guy in a pool alone with another woman... then your relationship has issues...

Call it a pool.... call it a carwash... call it a chatty waitress at the diner.... if you can't handle your guy being around other women.. AT ALL, even in a platonic situation... then find a guy thats reserved to not do those things. (you won't find too many that will never talk to another woman again, sorry ladies).

I would have no problems swimming with just another friend.. be it male or female.. and as long as the person I'm with knows about it, and knows the person, and is secure in our relationship, then theres no harm.

flux its not about trust. Its about boundaries. Nobody is saying that men and women should never talk to the opposite sex but there should be lines that you dont cross. Have you ever heard of emotional affairs? Most start out as purely platonic friendships. Being friends with another woman many not be a threat to your relationship for five or ten years but at some point you may start to develop feelings for her especially if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage and you are confused. If you acted on those feelings you could end up ruining your whole life in an instant. And the other problem is if you dont act on those feelings you may always think the other woman is special and go through life thinking the grass is greener when its not. Either way your relationship suffers and you start taking your wife for granted

[VincenzoG91]

I think the key here is "at night"...what, precisely, is needing to be cooled off "at night"?

Maybe it will be at night because of work schedules. Or maybe because night time is really the only reasonable time for skinnydipping.

[LifeInflux]

flux its not about trust. Its about boundaries. Nobody is saying that men and women should never talk to the opposite sex but there should be lines that you dont cross. Have you ever heard of emotional affairs? Most start out as purely platonic friendships. Being friends with another woman many not be a threat to your relationship for five or ten years but at some point you may start to develop feelings for her especially if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage and you are confused. If you acted on those feelings you could end up ruining your whole life in an instant. And the other problem is if you dont act on those feelings you may always think the other woman is special and go through life thinking the grass is greener when its not. Either way your relationship suffers and you start taking your wife for granted

I understand the concept of boundaries, but I feel that men and women needn't be locked in a sort of box the moment they get into a relationship.

A platonic friendship can be just that. Emotional affairs don't pop up out of supremely happy relationships, they all spawn from some point of weakness in a relationship. Sectioning yourself off from the world doesn't cure the necessity to have your emotional needs met, and it doesn't mean that your partner automatically fulfills them.

I'm not saying that every emotional affair should be acted upon.... quite the opposite... I'm saying that happiness should be acted on in a clear and concise manner. I definitely would never tell anyone to leave their significant other over something like that... making those decisions should never be based on the thought of another specific person. That also isn't to say that one shouldn't pursue true love when the circumstances present themselves. I think there are always exceptions to just about every rule.

That doesn't mean I'm a cheater, or would consider that myself... it just makes me realize that we are all human, and we all deserve the benefit of the doubt sometimes, and happiness most of the time.

Either way that has little to do with a particular instance of a man and woman having a conversation be it in a pool, in a car, or at the airport. You can't police your man everywhere he goes... and he can't police you.

Reverse the situation.. you just hop into the pool at your apartment getting ready for a relaxing swim and a man hops in shortly after. You trade pleasantries, and make conversation. If you trust yourself to not do anything, even if the man is willing... what boundaries do you cross?

[Jffs24]

I clicked thanks on the ones I agree with most in this discussion. As long as everyone is in their swimsuits and hands aren't fondling who gives a shit. All about trust your gf/bf ain't it.

[michelle23]

I understand the concept of boundaries, but I feel that men and women needn't be locked in a sort of box the moment they get into a relationship.

I agree but OP has told her bf she is not okay with this. He hasnt invited her along or said he will stop which means he is putting this friend over his partner..

A platonic friendship can be just that. Emotional affairs don't pop up out of supremely happy relationships, they all spawn from some point of weakness in a relationship. Sectioning yourself off from the world doesn't cure the necessity to have your emotional needs met, and it doesn't mean that your partner automatically fulfills them.

What relationship do you know of that is supremely happy all the time? Every relationship has its rough patches and difficult times. Those times make us vulnerable and it is not a good idea to have a close opposite sex friend around all the time to pick up the pieces. That is when the confusion starts.

I'm not saying that every emotional affair should be acted upon.... quite the opposite... I'm saying that happiness should be acted on in a clear and concise manner. I definitely would never tell anyone to leave their significant other over something like that... making those decisions should never be based on the thought of another specific person. That also isn't to say that one shouldn't pursue true love when the circumstances present themselves. I think there are always exceptions to just about every rule.

I am saying you should avoid certain things that make you vulnerable to falling into the trap of an EA. You should only leave your partner because you are unhappy and you know for sure you want out and there is no hope of fixing it. Not because you have a new best friend you want to f**k or think you can have a better life with. That is all just fantasy. Your partner is reality. We as humans enjoy familiarity and comfort far more than excitement so once the excitement is all over, you wana run back home but guess what? you have already f**ked up so bad that even if your partner is stupid enough to give you a second chance-you will never be as strong a couple as you were before.

Either way that has little to do with a particular instance of a man and woman having a conversation be it in a pool, in a car, or at the airport. You can't police your man everywhere he goes... and he can't police you.

I dont police my man. I just know that if he said to me "i have a new best female friend who is totally hot who Im gonna go swimming with tonight alone in the dark" I would say "alright then, have fun, when you come back I will be gone, have a nice life".

[LifeInflux]

I dont police my man. I just know that if he said to me "i have a new best female friend who is totally hot who Im gonna go swimming with tonight alone in the dark" I would say "alright then, have fun, when you come back I will be gone, have a nice life".

I understand your point of view, and I agree with some points. I think everyone is entitled to a truly happy relationship. Every relationship goes through bumps true, but there is a fine line between regular bumps, and issues you put up with because you're scared to be alone or move on. We see a lot of both here on this very forum.

Also, if your boyfriend told you he had a new female best friend who is totally hot... in those exact words... then I probably wouldn't trust him either. Then again, I still believe that its better to be honest with your partner than have them do it, and lie about it. An honest relationship seems much less common than a faithful relationship these days.. and I think that says a lot.

**edit

I also checked out your other thread about a guy you casually talk to outside your store. Is the only difference between that and this, is that in this situation they would be wearing bathing suits?

[michelle23]

Flux: im talking about an overall happy relationship that hits a rough patch eventually as most do. Im saying you dont bail at the first sign of trouble or have a plan B lined up. Id be the first person to say leave if theres constant regular bumps.

Even if he didnt say shes hot, i would still think why the sudden interest in this girl when hes never had female friends before. Its a fact that most men do not become all pally pally with a woman just coz he enjoys talking to her the same way he does with a male friend.

The situation with that guy at work is completely different. I have quick 5minutes chats with him ocassionally-just being polite. I dont consider him a friend and id never arrange to meet him for coffee or go swimming with him or have dinner etc

[Millie]

Michelle... you don't bail at the first sign of trouble no... and yet weren't you leaving your boyfriend a minute ago just for talking with a girl in a pool? Your situation with the guy at work may be different in your mind but what if your boyfriend didn't quite see it that way - what if he was just being polite, I didn't see you giving that any kind of air-time in the pool hypothetical, you were just... done.

You don't line up a plan B either no, but sadly it's just a fact that people leave one partner for someone new all the time, even when they're not particularly unhappy with their bf/gf/spouse, and not all of those relationships fail. While I entirely agree that the grass is not usually greener and leaving your partner for someone else isn't the right thing to do, I'm certainly not going to agree that anyone who does so is living in a 'fantasy' world. I know of a few people who left partners they were happy with simply because they met someone who they just had more in common with and they've made it work. In a perfect world we would all fall in love and live happily ever after, but if anything is 'fantasy' it's that.

You never know who you're going to meet Michelle, could just be that one day your world is rocked because you meet someone unexpectedly who just takes your breath away. It seems to me that you see things in very black and white terms, and while I respect that, I have to say I do wonder what will happen in your world when you realise there are plentiful shades of grey in most situations... in the future, when your boyfriend disappoints you in some way, which he surely will, I very much hope you don't choose to care more about the standard he failed to live up to than you do about him, the person you profess to love.

[Starnique]

No I would not go for that. Period. Any man of mind would know not to ask me such a stupid question. What business do they have in a jacuzzi at night? You may as well push him in her arms. I suppose that's the only place had to talk at.

[michelle23]

I think you completely missed my whole point millie. Lets just agree to disagree on this topic as i have already had this discussion numerous times. Many share my view, many dont.

Ill just add that when i said bailing at the first sign of troule i meant all sorts of other things. If i thoght he was cheating however, be it emotionally or physically than that would be the end of the line for us as that is one line for me, if crossed there is no going back.

To me it is black and white. You leave coz its not working, not coz your looking over the fence thinking is the grass greener. I dont have a fear of being on my own and if my ltr relationship ends i will gladly spend 6-12 months just me finding myself again and the next chapter in my life

[Millie]

lol I'm not sure it's me who missed the point... pretty sure I said the grass is not usually greener... good luck with that black and white thing!

[LifeInflux]

Flux: im talking about an overall happy relationship that hits a rough patch eventually as most do. Im saying you dont bail at the first sign of trouble or have a plan B lined up. Id be the first person to say leave if theres constant regular bumps.

Even if he didnt say shes hot, i would still think why the sudden interest in this girl when hes never had female friends before. Its a fact that most men do not become all pally pally with a woman just coz he enjoys talking to her the same way he does with a male friend.

The situation with that guy at work is completely different. I have quick 5minutes chats with him ocassionally-just being polite. I dont consider him a friend and id never arrange to meet him for coffee or go swimming with him or have dinner etc

You know I agree with you Michelle, about not bailing or having a backup plan. You know that, as you've seen me around.

I agree with you on a lot of points.. I just think... there are platonic friendships.. like the 5 minute chatter fellow... and while you might not consider him a friend or talk to him while he was in a bathing suit... I'm just saying that, had you talked with him, and he happened to be in a bathing suit... your boyfriend should stay with you.

I think its a little presumptuous to be able to categorize a guy in a pool talking to a girl as an automatic lost cause. There are a lot of shades of gray in this world... not everything has to be one.. but theres always that exception.

[michelle23]

Lol there is a major difference between randomly bumping into someone whos half naked and having a chat or a bunch of friends hanging by the pool then two people arranging to meet alone at night to go swimming together. I wouldnt feel uncomfortable talking to anyone in a bathing suit. However, i do think its wrong for two people who are in a relationship to be that close to someone else. And it obviously causes problems.

We had a woman here last week who thought her husband f**ked her sister which he prob did.. The three of them spent a lot of time together in their bathing suits and it was obvious hubby was uncomfortable around the sister when his wife was present due to his attraction for her..