Just Friends is Not Enough - Need Female's Thoughts

[HeartIsAching]

No, don't be petty about it. Just say hello. Smile even.

Then go do what you gotta do.

[Jolicoeur]

Sorry, I'm not a girl. But muddblood and I have become good friends over the last few weeks, and I think I have some slightly off-topic info that might help:

Here's what I found on [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unrequited_love"]the Wikipedia page on unrequited love[/URL] (paraphrazing out of more than one article): Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D in psychology wrote in her 1979 book [URL="http://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/0812862864"]Love and Limerence – the Experience of Being in Love[/URL] that the only cure for being in love is to get indisputable evidence that the target of one's love is not interested.

I am far from a psychologist, but since being in love tends to create a more than perfect image of the target of our love, something I have accute and chronic experience with myself, I believe it is very hard to get that indisputable evidence. No matter the nature of the rejection, we have a tendency to keep hoping for a better future outcome.

I have another solution, although not much easier to achieve: the best way to cope with lingering feelings for someone unattainable, is by falling in love with someone else.

[Wakeup]

You suggest a bandaid fix (falling in love with someone else) instead of doing the work to give your own self proper closure. When someone doesn't love you back, you should do the inner reflection that will allow you to accept that fact. Then while going no contact you will be on the journey to your destination of romantic indifference to that person who does not feel love for you.

What you propose is just hiding your obsession and that person you "fall in love with" to get over the first person you fell in love with but didn't want you is popularily known as the "rebound relationship" Google that as well and read.

JMO.

but the problem is she is the ONLY person in the state I live in that I know. I don't make friends easy and I don't keep friends, and seeing as how she is my only "friend", I'd really hate to let her go, at least right now. I told her today as I was leaving that I need to severely distance myself from her and she said ok. So let the ignoring her begin (again).

Do yourself a favor and join a amature sports team like volleyball, baseball, hockey, join the gym and take a cycle class, go back to school and take a course and meet people to form friendships. You put far too much emotional investment in your "one" friend. Make your life an exciting and interesting one and you'll attract a suitable partner that you won't burden with your need to make them your everything.

[Jolicoeur]

You suggest a bandaid fix (falling in love with someone else) instead of doing the work to give your own self proper closure.

I would have agreed if I had written pursue a new relationship instead of falling in love. Falling in love is not an active deed, but a passive one. One does not simply fall in love by one's own will. This just happens. And when it does, it changes our mental condition.

The rebound relationship you mentioned on the other hand is an active pursuit that often fails when one doesn't fall in love.

This is also why I said it is not an easy solution.

When someone doesn't love you back, you should do the inner reflection that will allow you to accept that fact.

This suggests that a degree of (emotional?) intellect is required. I can accept that, but then it would also explain why some people with lesser emotional intellect or strength need more time to reach the state of emotional indifference.

I think this lesser emotional strength could also be defined as being more sensitive / more emotional.

JMO.

Of course. And I appreciate it.

Do yourself a favor and join a amature sports team like volleyball, baseball, hockey, join the gym and take a cycle class

muddblood is member of a cycle club.

[muddblood]

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You underestimate my desire to obtain this girl! I did just like HeartisAching suggested and did not acknowledge her feelings or ask her how she was doing today (even when she said she was sick and vomiting) - strickly business. Well she left early because she was sick and for the 2ND time in the year we've talking, she ACTUALLY asked me to text her later today. Even if I wanted to, I cannot. I completely blew up at my wife Saturday night, so much so that I scared her (I actaully saw it in her eyes), my kids and even myself. Sunday morning moved in with a friend, but she has no bed or hardly anything, so I need to scour craigslist for a bed, and sleeper sofa and pots and pans and dishes...Plus parent teacher conference, plus calling my lawyer to see if I can sell the house right now. It hurts like hell ignoring her, but gonna keep it up. Shoot, I didn't even tell her I moved out yesterday.

But yeah, readin through the lastest responses, I figure if I ignore her, she'll either realize what she has and allow me to pursue (or heaven forbid SHE'LL pursue me), or I will get to that state of emotional indifference and be able to let her go. I can already feel that indifference starting in myself.

Meeting people, even in my cycling club, is extremely difficult because I am married. I feel obligated to be home with my wife and kids as much as possible, so going out just makes me feel guilty (or perhaps I am too faithful to my wife, even though I always knew something was missing). Now that I am out of the house, I feel more like going out and in all honestly, I feel I have way more confidence. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!

And yes, I totally agree with Wakup - falling in love just happens - I did not intend to fall in love with this girl (I don't know maybe I did intend to, but didn't expect to, at least to degree). I do know that I could not take my eyes off of her when I first saw her (and still can't after more than a year and a half). Right now though, I'd have hard time excepting it IF she did admit to having feelings for me. She says she doesn't and then (if) she says she does - she would be lying, and I'd have a hard time knowing which one she were lying about, and there goes the trust.

I can't understand why she keeps saying she has no feelings, but still wants me to talk to her and text her. I'd not want to have someone constantly professing their love for me if I did not return the feelings (been there, done that). Gonna try this ignoring her thing and either she'll come around, or I'll be able to let her go.

Emotional intellect? I have NONE: zip, zero, ziltch, nada, and I'll be the FIRST to admit it. That's why I'm here. Thanks again for all the help.

[KingZ]

Dude. What the fu​ck is wrong with you?

Don't you get it? How dumb can a person be?

She has NO feelings for you. Accept this. It is a fact. She's stringing you along and making you go as crazy as you're currently being on purpose.

The people who think they know how to get out of the friend zone are fu​cking you out of your money.


Think of a girl you know that's really ugly. You aren't attracted to her at all. How could she possibly behave that would make her suddenly not ugly?

If she started ignoring you and generally being intolerable, you wouldn't say, "Wow, she's hot!" You'd say, "God, what a psycho fu​cking bitch!"



Christ, I can't believe marriage is wasted on stupid fu​cks like this guy.

[muddblood]

Dude. What the fu​ck is wrong with you?

A lot, seriously.

Don't you get it? How dumb can a person be?

I don't get it, I really don't, so I must be the dumest person on the planet.

She has NO feelings for you. Accept this. It is a fact. She's stringing you along and making you go as crazy as you're currently being on purpose.

Why would she string me along? Do ALL women string guys along? Is it part of their game? Fine she has no feelings for me, she should stop all commication with me, not make me do it. And no, I'd never think this girl is a bitch. Never have in the past when a girl told me to f*ck off and never speak to her again. It's called CLOSURE! Guys need it as much as girls, if not more.

The people who think they know how to get out of the friend zone are fu​cking you out of your money.

Not gonna buy the book. I have other reading I NEED to do to help advance my career.

Think of a girl you know that's really ugly. You aren't attracted to her at all. How could she possibly behave that would make her suddenly not ugly?

Ehhhh...I have a friend that I do not find physically attractive, but I'd sleep with because she is funny as hell and has a great personality. As shallow as women THINK we are, physical beauty is NOT the most important factor we look for in a woman.

If she started ignoring you and generally being intolerable, you wouldn't say, "Wow, she's hot!" You'd say, "God, what a psycho fu​cking bitch!"

Nope, see above.

Christ, I can't believe marriage is wasted on stupid fu​cks like this guy.

So much I want to say to this, but unlike YOU, I'm gonna be nice. You are such an angry woman and I am working on making things right so I am not angry. Since guys like closure, I'd appreciate it if you no longer responded to any of my posts. But of course I cannot stop you.

[Wakeup]

I would have agreed if I had written pursue a new relationship instead of falling in love. Falling in love is not an active deed, but a passive one. One does not simply fall in love by one's own will. This just happens. And when it does, it changes our mental condition.

Sorry, totally disagree. Choose, not "fall" in love. You (the general you and, IMO) need to process one relationship before you enter (or attempt to enter) into another one. If you don't then you will end up choosing badly and it won't matter how much (you think) you love them it will be for naught if they are not a good match, treat you like crap, are psycho or disturbed or emotionally immature. Have you read these threads from people who seem to be all of those things yet the OPoster will still want to be with them? How about the ones who jump from one to another to another to another when had they only come to terms and waiting until the were more indifferent emotionally to the last one, they wouldn't have to keep doing all that jumping and hurting and jumping again.

The rebound relationship you mentioned on the other hand is an active pursuit that often fails when one doesn't fall in love.

Do you know how many people mistake sex for love, fail to guage how they are valued and mistake lust for emotional feelings?

This is also why I said it is not an easy solution.

It's also (IMO) a dumb attempt at fixing oneself.

This suggests that a degree of (emotional?) intellect is required. I can accept that, but then it would also explain why some people with lesser emotional intellect or strength need more time to reach the state of emotional indifference.

A degree of emotional intellect is required if you want to choose properly. Flings are easy enough to acquire but if you are wanting to find a life mate that will last a lifetime then you have to know how and when to start choosing.

I think this lesser emotional strength could also be defined as being more sensitive / more emotional.

O.o
Not quite sure where you're going with that statement. being more sensitive/more emotional is detrimental to your emotional well being if you're unable to control said emotions and "fall" in love with a bad choice. It maybe less romantic but I believe in choosing who we love rather than falling for someone inappropriate.

[bloodtippedrose]

I figure if I ignore her, she'll either realize what she has and allow me to pursue (or heaven forbid SHE'LL pursue me), or I will get to that state of emotional indifference and be able to let her go.

Why can't more guys come to this simple realization?

You are such an angry woman

BAHAHA! awesome.

[muddblood]

[QUOTE=bloodtippedrose;763127]Why can't more guys come to this simple realization?QUOTE]

You've probably heard this a million times from other guys, but I am not like every other guy out there - it's NOT all about sex for me. Here's a story (yes of a lovely lady, but no kids of her own, at least at that point) :

I met the love of my life in high school, when I was 17. We talked a lot at school and had lunch together and hung out inthe halls for about 2 weeks. One day, I offered to drive her home, well to her dad's work place, and she accepted. On the way there, we officially decided to date exclusively. I was seriously the happiest guy in the entire universe!!! When we got to her dad's workplace, she asked for a kiss before she got out of the car. I said nope, then immediately said, well, maybe on the cheek, and so she leanded into me and I kissed her on the cheek. We dated for 1 1/2 years, and we never had sex.

In all honesty, it was because of her (and my own demeanted mind/thoughts/emotions/feelings) that I am in the situation I am in now. I've been hiding from everyone the fact that I thought for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she was the one and the ONLY one for me and therefore thought I would never find those feelings again. But falling in love with this girl at work has completely changed me and now I know better. I am admitting things I've been holding inside for 20+ years, and it feels GREAT to finally admit and ACCEPT all this crap.

[muddblood]

I have to say that dopplemakemelol's words, as harsh as they were, ring loud and clear to me - she's leading me on and she has no feelings for me. said hi to her, and nothing else. Probably say bye to her when I leave. Oh yeah - I did not text her last night like she asked me to, er gave me permission to.

[IndiReloaded]

Dude. What the fu​ck is wrong with you?

Don't you get it? How dumb can a person be?

She has NO feelings for you. Accept this. It is a fact. She's stringing you along and making you go as crazy as you're currently being on purpose.

Thank god someone posted this. I agree, except I'm not sure about the stringing along part. She told you clearly she wasn't interested.

This guy seems desperate to escape his marriage with some fantasy world. This gal doesn't want anything to do with it. Nor would any sane woman. You're married, pending divorce or not. I wouldn't even think about going near you. You sound nuts.

[muddblood]

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. it seems my stupid ass wife sent my love interest an email and she is out of my life for good now. Guess it really is for the best.

[KingZ]

You are such an angry woman and I am working on making things right so I am not angry. Since guys like closure, I'd appreciate it if you no longer responded to any of my posts. But of course I cannot stop you.

First of all, I'm not a woman. The tits in my signature? Those are someone else's tits. I'll let that stand for itself.

Secondly, I'm harsh with you because apparently you didn't get it when we were nice to you.

What you should really be taking away from all of this is that you can't force relationships. You didn't learn this from your miserable marriage. If you force a relationship, it's not going to be a good one. Relationships need to grow organically, naturally, and without force. If someone tells you, clearly, that they aren't interested, and you continue to live in your little fantasy world anyway, pursuing like a desperate little puppy in heat, you are forcing the fu​cking relationship.

"Quit trying to control everything and just let go."

[muddblood]

First of all, I'm not a woman. The tits in my signature? Those are someone else's tits. I'll let that stand for itself.

Secondly, I'm harsh with you because apparently you didn't get it when we were nice to you.

What you should really be taking away from all of this is that you can't force relationships. You didn't learn this from your miserable marriage. If you force a relationship, it's not going to be a good one. Relationships need to grow organically, naturally, and without force. If someone tells you, clearly, that they aren't interested, and you continue to live in your little fantasy world anyway, pursuing like a desperate little puppy in heat, you are forcing the fu​cking relationship.

"Quit trying to control everything and just let go."

Well, I have now I have no choice but to let go. And I was NOT forcing anything. I fell in love with this girl because I can talk to her - about anything and everything and she too could and did talk to me about anything and everything. Women are KNOWN for saying one thing but meaning the exact opposite. A girl says, don't get me a Valentine's present, so you don't and she goes ballistic. Happens all the time and has been the butt of many jokes since the dawn of time.

My relationship with my wife? Well SHE forced it on me - THAT'S why it failed. We started dating and about 4-6 months later, she comes to me and says her parents are kicking her out (First f*cking clue right there I should have split) and we need to get an apartment together. I sure as HELL was not ready to move out and I sure as HELL was not ready to move in with her and I sure HELL was not willing to cave to her CONSTANT bitching about getting married and to seal the deal - my first thought - my VERY first thought - when she got pregnant well over 8 years ago was "F*ck, now I really stuck!" I do not force anything - it is my stupid ass wife forcing sh*t. But you know what? I've been waiting well over a year to hear this girl say f*ck off don't talk to me. I wish she'd done it 9-10 months ago, I really do. And you know what else? I'd STILL be getting divorced. It's not for ANYONE but myself because I am not happy and never really have been.