How often do you cry?

[Valixy]

We were together a long while, and broke up several months ago. My first thread on here was about the BU. But I wasn't expecting the BU - took me by surprise and crushed me. I keep hearing whispers about him and it hurts me. I was loyal and faithful and thought the same about him wrote about that odd thing about him using condoms too in sex section felt like I was surrogating his unfaithfulness somehow after knowing things beyond BU. Hard to 100 % love another and think he feels the same, so certain and it gets pulled out from under you. I can't move in from the pain I guess. I can't think what else would be causing the odd cry sessions.
Sorry you still feel pain as well.

The fact that you started this relationship when you were young and been together for many years, explains your strong attachment, but the most difficult thing to deal with is probably that you simply didn't think or feel that it would be possible for you to break up permanently, which is of course unwise and unrealistic. It happens when you are totally invested and it takes a while until you learn to live without the other one and feel happy on your own again even if life has suddenly changed its course.

Some years ago I had an important relationship that became a bit bumpy in the end and in order for us to be together, we should have worked quite a bit on ourselves. He found it easier to simply move on and start a new relationship and that for me was impossible to understand for a long time. For four years I made all the possible mistakes from moving on and I kept believing that he'd come back even if he had started seeing someone else. I questioned everything what had happened between us, but I never assumed that my feelings, as intense and supreme as they seemed to me, were questionable too. My feelings were unbalanced because they were a source of profound unhappiness and my thoughts were playing tricks on me because I was suddenly forgetting all the problems we had faced and made me want to leave twice. When I could finally let go my dream of love and accept life as it was, I became happier and stronger than I had ever been. After another few years, one day, many things that I had never known about him were simply revealed to me and I understood that breaking up was indeed the right thing for me even for reasons I didn't know at that time.

It was a very valuable lesson for me, the relationship, the separation and learning to move on, especially the last part, but I could have handled everything much better if I had taken the correct little steps in time, instead of unnecessarily prolonging my sufferance for four years. Hopefully you will be able to take the correct little steps at the right time and feel much better soon. It's possible.

[hatesthis]

Thank you Valixy. You are right I thought we'd always be close and in love, I was blindsided. Even through fights and bad times I still loved them as much never any less, I didn't realize they were loving me less and less until..because they were never man enough to be that honest with me. I had a huge setback this morning, it was and feel like I want to dig into the earth and die. Big sigh. It is so one sided all this time and I don't get how people can be unkind to someone they loved for years they must have always been a unkind person and I only saw what they wanted me to see.

I felt he'd come back too because all of the good past history, he hasn't, so I am left the fool, the crying, weeping, effed up emotional sap.

I'm sorry about the loss of your love then and the bad things you late found out about him, did he himself tell you or another, and if not him why can't this guys be honest after they are out, why not come clean finally? Did you cry alot when you broke? Does thought of him still upset you today or all is healed now?

Off today I don't feel it is possible I feel more this will be my permanent undoing and he won't care any more then he did months ago. I can't go for years caring and caring jsut these last months is too much. I don't even want to date and I have been asked, I don't care about anyone else.
What happened today was embarrassing bc involved vm's 3 by me off something sent to me hurt me and I vented acted out directly to him, think he had me on a block bc calls go directly to vm, not that it matters I only wanted to leave vms, but kept cutting me off and had to leave several to say what I wanted, so those are there on his phone and I won't get a reply abck to my phone so I feel stupid. Like all I was to someone before = worthless nothing now.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and help me. *HUGS*

[Valixy]

I'm sorry about the loss of your love then and the bad things you late found out about him, did he himself tell you or another, and if not him why can't this guys be honest after they are out, why not come clean finally? Did you cry alot when you broke? Does thought of him still upset you today or all is healed now?

Don't feel sorry, it's all in the past and it doesn't matter anymore. The story is pretty simple.

The first six months of our relationship were absolutely wonderful but then his brother who had been away, came back, moved in with him and everything changed. He had mentioned to me that they had been very close and done everything together in the last years, but I didn't expect him to reverse to that way of life while we were in a relationship. He was suddenly arranging everything with his brother and the many friends who were always around and many times when I would be looking forward to spending the weekend with him, I would find out on Thursday evening that he'd be away in Morocco or somewhere and leave early in the morning. He even spent Christmas and New Year's Eve in a winter resort with his mates and his brother and because I couldn't take any vacation, he didn't think that it would be nice to at least spend one of those special occasions together. I tried to give him time and be patient, I spoke calmly about what made me unhappy, suggested changes, but he continued doing exactly the same.

I got very upset one morning and left suddenly, sent him a few hurtful messages when I got home and in the following days and he never ever spoke to me again. It was like from one day to another I stopped existing for him. Our lives were very different and that frustrated me even more after we broke up because I was missing him like crazy, being so unhappy, tied up to my job, living on a normal salary while he was pretty wealthy, running his own business, enjoying lots of freedom and continued having lots of fun. Six months later he was going out with a girl who owned a bar in the top night area of a beach resort and he went back to the frenetic night life which he said he hated.

A couple of years ago I googled him out of curiosity and found a newspaper article on him. He got involved in some illegal business and lost everything... I did some research, remembered some things and understood that he had done that before we were together, then he stopped because he had some problems and that's why his brother was away for some time. He even told me once that he wasn't the man he seemed to be at the beginning of our relationship, that he had been having a hard time then and feeling ''weak''. Apparently six months later, he somehow went back to his normal self which I just couldn't love in the same way.

I didn't cry much even if it took me so long to heal. I knew I didn't want to go back to the man I had left but I had this constant false idea in my head that for sure he'd realise that what we had was so special and make an effort to fix things, that he'd somehow miraculously change and be again the wonderful man I first knew. Wrong. When people show you their true colours, believe them and if they don't contact you, understand that it's because they are truly moving on, because that's what they need to do and feel like doing and try to accept it.

What happened today was embarrassing bc involved vm's 3 by me off something sent to me hurt me and I vented acted out directly to him, think he had me on a block bc calls go directly to vm, not that it matters I only wanted to leave vms, but kept cutting me off and had to leave several to say what I wanted, so those are there on his phone and I won't get a reply abck to my phone so I feel stupid. Like all I was to someone before = worthless nothing now.

Don't feel too bad about the voice message you left him. It's only you and many other millions of people who've done that, including myself, but try not to do that anymore. He's looking after himself now and doesn't want to deal with your pain. He doesn't realise that simply you can't cope with the separation and like most men, he probably simply finds you annoying.

This is a very difficult time for you because you're facing something that you're not prepared psychologically and emotionally to deal with, but you can learn. You can look for help, you can take little steps every day and the right decisions and stick to them. Believe me, it will get better little by little but only if you help yourself. Take all the time you need. We're all built up differently. Learn to deal with your feelings and to avoid what may trigger a very powerful emotional response from you. Accept he's gone forever and that he won't do anything to make your pain more bearable. You can't count on him, his interest, his understanding or his compassion anymore - you can only count on yourself, friends, family, therapy amd that's where you should look for help.

We all lose people in life in a way or another and we can all learn to be happy again. Be patient with yourself, find something that you enjoy, that relaxes you, stimulates you positively and concentrate on that. You'll still have bad days for some time but they will become less and less frequent and less intense, until one day, when you'll be completely detached and feeling totally happy again. He won't even be ''the love you lost'' anymore, just an important experience you had that made you much stronger and happier than before.

[hatesthis]

Thank you for telling me your story *hugs*

He sounds like he became self involved(selfish) when his brother re-emerged, do you feel he took you and your love for him for granted during that time like you were easy going and would be okay he didn't fear losing you. The going away for holidays w/o you was rude.

WTF, you had a right to vent and be angry at him... he should have apologized and talked with you in person not ignore you. Do you think his brother influenced him to let you go and no longer talk with you because was the brother single at the time? Maybe the brother wanted a partner in crime. Did he wait to date 6 months after you? If so says he might not have been able to get over you that easily even though he cut communications. Mine dated right off no time inbetween right onto the next.

Was both him and his brother active in criminal activities? he should have stayed with you and on the right path and not let his troublemaker brother get him back into whatever lifestyle. He was weak minded. I feel and felt the same way about my ex felt after a moht he would miss me same as I miss him and realize he loved him like he always did before and he wasn't happy, lol no such luck. He probably was doing stuff before we broke because we lived in 2 diff towns at that time of our relationship, so what would I ever know if he didn't tell me so. I think seeing his " true colors" is what is hurting me most because how could I have been so blind I look at everything, and ask questions did love make me stupider? :-\

I told him in one Vm you are just like your dad I know that ones gets him pissed off. Plus I dropped some name references that he would be shocked I knew about, just letting him know the bubble has been broken. I didn't yell might have weeped up some but was fact Il eft a few that was embarrassing but got upset after hearing stuff and called. I won't vm him again it was because everything built up after vday. He find anyone who questions him annoying and an asshole so I am an asshole too lol. Mr perfect- in - his - own - mind. I found myself annoying tbh. Don't some exes remain friends? How do they do it, manage staying friendly with each other because they must still love each other. I agree with this that you said:

"Accept he's gone forever and that he won't do anything to make your pain more bearable. You can't count on him, his interest, his understanding or his compassion anymore - you can only count on yourself, friends, family, therapy amd that's where you should look for help."

I only get worse when people bring him up to me and then I go into our past again and he hurt, sad upset. To me he is " the one I should have married" but if this is how he treats me now wonder what he would have done a few years after being married and he got bored and we had kids by then I shudder to imagine. Thank you Valixy you are so kind sweet and wise. I appreciate all the time you took to type back to me. Lots of good things I wish comes your way.

[Valixy]

He was a decent guy, with great personal qualities and a talent for business, as a matter of fact he had a totally legal and successful business (that occasionally functioned as a cover-up, I suppose) but somewhere along the way he got too ambitious and developed an irresponsible taste for an expensive life. Social contact and his friends were very important to him and I think that all his love relationships suffered because of that and his entourage did have have both a good and a bad influence on him. Six months after the break-up I was offered a very good job in Asia, I tried to speak with him again before taking a decision and again I received no answer, so I left. I couldn't adapt very well abroad though, came back two months later and at that time he was in a relationship. I've had very little news of him over the years, I've moved twice since then, until two years ago when I found that newspaper article...The most important thing for me besides learning to avoid certain mistakes I made in that relationship like being too emotional and too possessive at times, was learning to let go and move on. I'm very happy with my life and I wish things would pick up for him too.

I told him in one Vm you are just like your dad I know that ones gets him pissed off. Plus I dropped some name references that he would be shocked I knew about, just letting him know the bubble has been broken. I didn't yell might have weeped up some but was fact Il eft a few that was embarrassing but got upset after hearing stuff and called. I won't vm him again it was because everything built up after vday. He find anyone who questions him annoying and an asshole so I am an asshole too lol. Mr perfect- in - his - own - mind. I found myself annoying tbh. Don't some exes remain friends? How do they do it, manage staying friendly with each other because they must still love each other. I agree with this that you said:

"Accept he's gone forever and that he won't do anything to make your pain more bearable. You can't count on him, his interest, his understanding or his compassion anymore - you can only count on yourself, friends, family, therapy and that's where you should look for help."

I only get worse when people bring him up to me and then I go into our past again and he hurt, sad upset. To me he is " the one I should have married" but if this is how he treats me now wonder what he would have done a few years after being married and he got bored and we had kids by then I shudder to imagine.

If he repeatedly failed at communicating with you whenever you tried, there aren't many chances that this would improve, so it would be wise for you to avoid doing something that only seems to help you momentarily but makes you feel much worse later. I know that you feel that he owes to do you some justice, but he won't - sometimes life is unfair and we have to deal with it. You're the only one who can do yourself justice by accepting it's over, even if it finished in such an unhappy unexpected way and looking for ways to feel better, enjoy yourself and have a happy life.

If he had indeed been the one for you, he would still be by your side. Someone else is meant to make you happier than you've ever been :-)

P.S. Thank you for your kind words, HT. I also enjoy your presence on the forum

[stevestone]

5 ttimes a year

[hatesthis]

Why 5 times a year, steve? 5 losses you mourn each year?

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He was a decent guy, with great personal qualities and a talent for business, as a matter of fact he had a totally legal and successful business (that occasionally functioned as a cover-up, I suppose) but somewhere along the way he got too ambitious and developed an irresponsible taste for an expensive life. Social contact and his friends were very important to him and I think that all his love relationships suffered because of that and his entourage did have have both a good and a bad influence on him. Six months after the break-up I was offered a very good job in Asia, I tried to speak with him again before taking a decision and again I received no answer, so I left. I couldn't adapt very well abroad though, came back two months later and at that time he was in a relationship. I've had very little news of him over the years, I've moved twice since then, until two years ago when I found that newspaper article...The most important thing for me besides learning to avoid certain mistakes I made in that relationship like being too emotional and too possessive at times, was learning to let go and move on. I'm very happy with my life and I wish things would pick up for him too.



If he repeatedly failed at communicating with you whenever you tried, there aren't many chances that this would improve, so it would be wise for you to avoid doing something that only seems to help you momentarily but makes you feel much worse later. I know that you feel that he owes to do you some justice, but he won't - sometimes life is unfair and we have to deal with it. You're the only one who can do yourself justice by accepting it's over, even if it finished in such an unhappy unexpected way and looking for ways to feel better, enjoy yourself and have a happy life.

If he had indeed been the one for you, he would still be by your side. Someone else is meant to make you happier than you've ever been :-)

P.S. Thank you for your kind words, HT. I also enjoy your presence on the forum

Ugh, it always logs me out when I type out a long reply I learned to copy them because I know when I hit send I am logged out.

So he was very materialistic? if he put stuff and things before real people connections and love such as with yourself. Maybe he wanted you to be a good influence on him and it was happening until his brother popped back into the picture and got weak. I think for you it was a blessing that the brother came into the picture because he would have broke your heart even worse if you had stayed longer :\

Maybe for me with mine too who knows what other things he was doing when I was in my own town and he in his. I couldn't keep tabs so I could only trust his word. :\

If you had got a reply off him before deciding on your job in Asia would you have not gone if he gave you the impression he wanted to try again and make things work?

I like to think you saw that newspaper article as a way of the universe giving you the closure you needed because he was too much of a coward to do that gesture for you. I pray some times that I see the turht or get told missing parts soon too. I don't want to wait years, I feel like I can't move on until I know, even if it hurts me to the core even more then the intial break up I have to see the truth for myself, process it feel it deep inside and then remove myself from it all and him if not, it will always haunt me. I don't have anything in my life to distract me, I know I could take classes but I feel like why should I pay to distract myself when he could have just been honest and let me move on.
If I had a girlfriend willing to move countries I would move with her but all my friends are happy where they are.

No, when I asked during the Talk, he would say over and over none of my business if not my business then whose it definitely concerned me and him only. Lame excuses on his part. He didn't communicate enough on certain things because I would be able to spot the untruths and he didn't want me to call him on it. So better to go none of you business and not look like a sob liar. I saw him as so much better than what he turned out to be, I sort of wish he was actually jsut dating a nice girl he fell for during our relationship and not effing everything in a skirt instead. Makes it look like all he told me when he broke us off was lies. Also, I heard one looked exactly like me only 3 years younger, that hurt *sighs* I only feel he owes me some justice because of the amount of time we had a raltionship and friendship and I would have treated him better than he treated me and I would have told him the whole truth nothing hid or left unsaid so he would have been able to move on avoidance is a cowards game. I never thought he was a coward. Plus he shows up in my dreams I hate that, did yours show up in your dreams too? It doesn't even leave me a alone when I sleep. No escape.

If he had indeed been the one for you, he would still be by your side. Someone else is meant to make you happier than you've ever been :-)

I know you are so correct but realizing that hurts too. Because I got fooled. I might get fooled again. Can't even trust my own (I thought) good judgment. I hope that someone shows up sooner than later. Thank you so much, reading your words to me is very helpful, because I go off and run them through my mind and see that I should not be so stubborn and expect others (him) to act the way I would act back different people different characters. *hugs*

[basilandthyme]

Why 5 times a year, steve? 5 losses you mourn each year?

I expect Steve was being facetious

[Valixy]

If you had got a reply off him before deciding on your job in Asia would you have not gone if he gave you the impression he wanted to try again and make things work?

This was true, even later. I was working for a very rich aristocratic family, very closely related to the royal family, I had luxury life conditions and a huge salary, and everyone I knew back home thought I was very lucky but I felt every day that I would have given everything away in the blink of an eye for being with him. Even if I came back due to the emotional pressure, I understood years later that my destiny was neither with him or away and my life has become more and more beautiful every year.

I wouldn't recommend you to move to another country, unless you started to feel much better, quite detached from him and being able to accept the separation before you left.

Plus he shows up in my dreams I hate that, did yours show up in your dreams too? It doesn't even leave me a alone when I sleep. No escape.

Actually, yes, and we could never be together in my dreams but I still didn't get the message for a few years lol.

I go off and run them through my mind and see that I should not be so stubborn and expect others (him) to act the way I would act back different people different characters. *hugs*.

You're right again :-) Any expectation you have from him is preventing you from moving on.

It happens to many people to not be loved as they should have been, not only by their lovers, but sometimes even the parents, brothers and children fail. Life is full of imperfections and unjustices really, and so are many human relationships, so thinking that we'll be able to go through life without meeting some disappointment would be a bit unrealistic.

There are many things we can't change but we can at least try to deal as well as we can with our personal relationships and be stronger than an ex who in the end did not rise to the occasion and failed to fulfill the expectations he created. He isn't worth your attention anymore, you've got much better things to do in your life, gal :-)

[FAndrews]

I'm 28 now and the last time i cried i was 15, when i was beaten up badly at school, i suspect i toughened up a bit and suppressed it i guess there have been times when i wish i could though.

[hatesthis]

This was true, even later. I was working for a very rich aristocratic family, very closely related to the royal family, I had luxury life conditions and a huge salary, and everyone I knew back home thought I was very lucky but I felt every day that I would have given everything away in the blink of an eye for being with him. Even if I came back due to the emotional pressure, I understood years later that my destiny was neither with him or away and my life has become more and more beautiful every year.

I wouldn't recommend you to move to another country, unless you started to feel much better, quite detached from him and being able to accept the separation before you left.



Actually, yes, and we could never be together in my dreams but I still didn't get the message for a few years lol.



You're right again :-) Any expectation you have from him is preventing you from moving on.

It happens to many people to not be loved as they should have been, not only by their lovers, but sometimes even the parents, brothers and children fail. Life is full of imperfections and unjustices really, and so are many human relationships, so thinking that we'll be able to go through life without meeting some disappointment would be a bit unrealistic.

There are many things we can't change but we can at least try to deal as well as we can with our personal relationships and be stronger than an ex who in the end did not rise to the occasion and failed to fulfill the expectations he created. He isn't worth your attention anymore, you've got much better things to do in your life, gal :-)

I think I wouldn't move to another country unless I had a good friend there to stay with, get used to the new surroundings or a good friend who traveled/moved with me I would get very lonely and sad, I agree with you. I think it would spark a bigger depression because all I knew would be out of reach from me. Just the idea of living in Europe would be so appealing and exciting and I feel life here is a dead end.

I last dreamed my ex was dating a girl he knew from 2007 ( no clue why that year) and she was really ugly in the dream and he looked odd to me too he had a big red beard and bald lol? Idk why and he was an asshole in my dream and real big asshole and at the end of the dream he walked up to me and told me I Love You but said it in a whisper and I just stared blankly at him and never said one thing back, and dream ended.

I saw one of the ones he was dating after me my friend who is still his best friends friend had pics on his facebook of a party and my friend showed me the pictures and it upset me because this girl could be my twin
only 2 years younger than me. It made me angry. I think angry aids moving on because the dream I wouldn't say I love you back, might be a start

I enjoy all you have to say, whether back to me or others on here, you are a good listener and empathic to how others feel. You have helped me *hugs* I'll try to look at life and him in a new way. Spring is almost here maybe I can have my new life then too.

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I'm 28 now and the last time i cried i was 15, when i was beaten up badly at school, i suspect i toughened up a bit and suppressed it i guess there have been times when i wish i could though.

Wow at 15 was your last cry? Did you cry because of the actual body pain or something more then? I know guys who haven't cried since their childhood dog died and they were 10 or a bit older. I think sometimes to sit and cry alone helps, you can get out all that emotion and free it from bottling up inside you.

[a_mart]

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Wow at 15 was your last cry? Did you cry because of the actual body pain or something more then? I know guys who haven't cried since their childhood dog died and they were 10 or a bit older. I think sometimes to sit and cry alone helps, you can get out all that emotion and free it from bottling up inside you.

I agree with that, crying helps sometimes. Last Saturday I cried a lot because I don't want to be a teacher at all and that seems to be the only job that I can find. I've been unemployed for 3 years already and I only receive offers to teach, but I feel "panic" just thinking about it.

It's not related to love but that's the last time I cryed, I guess I can be a bit depressed.

By your dream I think it still hurts, but as you say you're begining to move on and that's an important step. Try to forget him as hard as you can, go out with friends, try not look at his profile in fecebook and enjoy life just as much as you did before you knew him, because he's not the only guy on earth and I'm sure you deserve a better one and you'll find him for sure.

Hugs!

[somehelp4me]

Once and awhile but not that often. Mostly major losses of people who matter to me family or long term friends who have died by accident or illness.

[hatesthis]

I agree with that, crying helps sometimes. Last Saturday I cried a lot because I don't want to be a teacher at all and that seems to be the only job that I can find. I've been unemployed for 3 years already and I only receive offers to teach, but I feel "panic" just thinking about it.

It's not related to love but that's the last time I cryed, I guess I can be a bit depressed.

By your dream I think it still hurts, but as you say you're begining to move on and that's an important step. Try to forget him as hard as you can, go out with friends, try not look at his profile in fecebook and enjoy life just as much as you did before you knew him, because he's not the only guy on earth and I'm sure you deserve a better one and you'll find him for sure.

Hugs!

Thank you for the hugs a_mart. Hugs back to you too.

Do you get any joy at all from teaching? Can you keep your teaching job and still job search, then move on from teaching? I think being unhappy in what you do for a living is good reason to cry if you are not finding good for you in it and it isn't what you feel you want to do.


I don't look at his fb but have seen pics of him on friends Ig accounts and that hurts me. I should just go no social media until I heal but wanting to know the truth makes it hard to not listen to others about him, or look at images with him and others I also know. I thought he was my one for so long it is why the loss is so hard to let go of. Hope you feel better as well.

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I cry sometimes, for no reasons. I mean it happens like 2-3 times every 6 months, but is this normal?

You might need to have that crying release if so I think that is normal better to express hurt you feel even through tears then not express it.

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Once and awhile but not that often. Mostly major losses of people who matter to me family or long term friends who have died by accident or illness.

I do that too I know if I go to a funeral I will cry most of it. I even cry over deaths of pets.

[IndiReloaded]

Daily?
Once a week?
Few times a month?
Only when someone dies?
Loss of a relationship?
Never?

Is it normal to cry several times a week? To wake up crying?

Depends on why.

I just cried last night watching a movie. It was a touching film.

I will cry to relieve stress. But this happens rarely and I handle it differently depending on the situation.

1. If its something I have no control over (sudden death or news about someone I care about), then its just a normal response to pain. Let it out; move on.
2. If its something I could have avoided, say a mistake I or someone else has made, I take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again.

No, waking up crying isn;t normal. Sounds like something hormonal unless there is a cause you know about.