Are there resonable limits to trust?

[Pete69]

theredbaron: Yes, that's the way I normally am and what I expect in a relationship also. It's another reason why this has been hard for me. I don't feel that someone who really cares about you would do that (what I'm going through) to you, or your relationship... I would never. Wakeup called it "disrespecting" the relationship, and after reading it, I couldn't help but agree.

[MerryH]

Specially because this situation is so crazy that most people see that right away, and respond to the craziness in their post.

You do realize that the way you worded the situation was a little bit deceitful, right? You presented this in a way that would get the responses you wanted to hear. Instead of being truthful and saying, "My girlfriend likes to spend a few nights a week in her own home, and her ex happens to live there because they have a mutually beneficial financial arrangement," you presented all these crazy scenarios that are obviously unacceptable so that's how people reacted.

I think it was wrong of you to issue her the ultimatum that she either moved in with you full-time or you'd break up with her. I don't think there's anything wrong with her wanting her own place if you two aren't married. She doesn't seem to be neglecting you or acting inappropriately with him. He has his own room, you've met him, he knows who you are. He lives there because it is a business arrangement.

You asked if there's a limit to how much she can ask you to trust her. There is. But there is also a limit to how much she needs to change when you're being demanding and unreasonable. But she agreed to move in with you anyway. She tried to placate you, and you're still pissing and moaning about it. What was the point in asking her to move out of there if you're still not going to be satisfied? What more do you want from her?

PS: marry has been around since at least Sept. 2010. She's not your girlfriend she just isn't understanding the situation from what I gather.

Thanks, but I think I understand this better than the people who took the OP's story at face value. He tried to mislead and it worked on most of you.

[Pete69]

MerryH: Wow. Just... wow.

No, I wasn't being decietful.

I started this thread not because I wanted to share every embarrasing detail of my love life for everyone to pick apart, but because I wanted one simple question answered: Where is the limit after which it's unreasonable for someone to say "You just need to trust me". That's it, and that's all. I didn't think I would need to share a detailed history with you Merry, in order for you to think I was being honest enough. And by the way... you still havent answered that question. From what I can see, you're just flinging mud. Why? That's why I thought you were my girl in disguise. It just doesn't make sence for you to be mad at me... what did I do to you?

In the beginning, you guys thought I was a woman, and answered me as if I was. I let that go because I really wanted that kind of honesty from you... but two or three posts in, I cleared that misunderstanding up. And seriously, I've been as honest here as I know how to be.

If you really think, after everything I've written here, that I really have nothing to be uncomfortable about and that I'm just whining... well you're entitled to your opinion I suppose - but I feel sorry for the man in YOUR life.

Edit: By the way Merry - like my girl, you keep picking things out of what I've written here that you like, and want to use to defend your position, and ignoring the rest. I noticed you bolded "business arrangement". Are you telling me that her need to spend nights there with him, and olny him, is part of a business arrangement? It would make a sick kind of sense... The guy is doing A LOT of work for her, for very little money (mostly just room and board, at this point). When I ask her why he's doing all that, she doesn't have much of an answer.

Tell me Merry.. Why do YOU think he's doing all that work?

[Wakeup]

Thanks, but I think I understand this better than the people who took the OP's story at face value. He tried to mislead and it worked on most of you.

Are you trying to say we're all misunderstanding and you're the only one who's not? I commented (as I always do) on the facts provided. I didn't comment on his subsequent (clearing up) post because this is NOT A GENDER ISSUE. It is an issue of disrespect within a relationship. PERIOD. The fact he didn't divulge he was a man has nothing to do with the facts of the matter. Disrespect is disrespect no matter which sex is doing the disrespecting.

Perhaps you'd tolerate your bf sleeping in the same house with his ex and NOT ALLOWING YOU THERE when they are sleeping in the same house but Op (an myself and others) would not be comfortable with such arrangements. To each their own but you're in the minority here.

Instead of being truthful and saying, "My girlfriend likes to spend a few nights a week in her own home, and her ex happens to live there because they have a mutually beneficial financial arrangement,"

If that's what it is, if it's as innocent as you are making it sound, then why won't she allow him to sleep with her at her house. Why does she only let him do that when the ex is out of town? It's her freaking house and her ex is a boarder.

you presented all these crazy scenarios that are obviously unacceptable so that's how people reacted.

They are the scenarios that he has been tolerating.. he didn't make them up. They are acts that cross most peoples fundamental relationship boundaries. They are acts that most people would find disrespectful. If she would have allowed him (or he she as first thought) to sleep there when the ex is there as well... I would be a little less rigid in my opinions of this thread.

[MerryH]

The hell? I'm not mad at you and I'm not flinging mud. I gave you my opinion and I did address your question. You may have been offended by what I wrote, but I did not outright insult you like you did to me. That jab at my personal life was out of line.

And you are still being dishonest:

I started this thread not because I wanted to share every embarrasing detail of my love life for everyone to pick apart, but because I wanted one simple question answered: Where is the limit after which it's unreasonable for someone to say "You just need to trust me". That's it, and that's all.

I created this post to show it to her once there were a few replies. You girls didn't disappoint, either.

But yes, you are allowed to be uncomfortable with it. Does that mean it was okay for you to demand that she moved in with you? I don't think it was.

this is NOT A GENDER ISSUE

I don't even know what the **** you're going on about here. This wasn't the dishonesty I was referring to. I think his portrayal of facts was designed to get people to agree with him so he could show this to his girlfriend and go, "Look! See that?! They all agree with me and I am right and you are wrong." His strange wording paints this in a far worse light than it actually is.

[Pete69]

MerryH: Yes... I wanted that question answered. That was all I wanted from YOU. Yes, I wanted to show it to her... Why would I hide this? We were disagreeing about it. If I'm wrong, then I was sure you would tell me. Where's the deciet? And yes, you're still flinging mud.

Amazing... Look: I'm just talking about how I feel, and answering people as they comment. I didn't realize I needed a proofreader. You think I'm being dishonest? Ok, fine. Noted. Now move along and abuse someone else for a while. Yeah, I've looked at some of your other posts... you like to rip people apart, for little if any reason. I guess that's fun for you... Ok, fine. Go. Enjoy. I've had enough.

[Wakeup]

I think his presentation of the facts was done in such a way that it wouldn't be taken as a gender issue and responses would be based on the facts alone.

His strange wording paints this in a far worse light than it actually is.

I ddn't think so and I still didn't even when he divulged his gender and that of the disrespecting other half.

I suspect (but it's not been proven) that either the ex or Op's gf has unfinished business with one another.

Does that mean it was okay for you to demand that she moved in with you? I don't think it was.

He didn't demand. He gave her a choice. Just as she has a right to keep her ex in her life (while excluding her present) he has a right to not put up with it. If she didn't want to lose him she could have included him in and let him sleep with her at her "rental." At least that would have been a compromise that didn't paint her in such a negative light to the rest of us.

[MerryH]

He didn't demand. He gave her a choice.

"Move in with me or I will break up with you" is not really giving her a fair choice.

OP, I'm curious - how would the situation be different if the ex did not live there? Would you be okay with her staying at her own place a few times a week?

[Wakeup]

"Move in with me or I will break up with you" is not really giving her a fair choice.

OP, I'm curious - how would the situation be different if the ex did not live there? Would you be okay with her staying at her own place a few times a week?

I suspect he would be. (clarification needed of course) She did allow him to stay at her home when her ex was not there. I ask again why she wouldn't let him stay with her when her ex was there. What excuse did she give you for that, Pete? If she says it was out of respect for her ex then I'll just Lol all the way to the next thread.

"Move in with me or I will break up with you" is not really giving her a fair choice.

Is him accepting her disrespect and her demand that he trust her a fair choice to him? And it is a fair choice. He chould have just broken up with her (after lots of discussions about this without her understanding his position) and given her NO choice.

[MerryH]

MerryH: Yes... I wanted that question answered. That was all I wanted from YOU. Yes, I wanted to show it to her... Why would I hide this? We were disagreeing about it. If I'm wrong, then I was sure you would tell me. Where's the deciet? And yes, you're still flinging mud.

Amazing... Look: I'm just talking about how I feel, and answering people as they comment. I didn't realize I needed a proofreader. You think I'm being dishonest? Ok, fine. Noted. Now move along and abuse someone else for a while. Yeah, I've looked at some of your other posts... you like to rip people apart, for little if any reason. I guess that's fun for you... Ok, fine. Go. Enjoy. I've had enough.

Whoa, I just saw your edit. How am I being abusive toward you? I don't agree with you. That's not abuse. And I'll remind you again that I have not outright insulted you as you have done to me.

[MerryH]

Edit: By the way Merry - like my girl, you keep picking things out of what I've written here that you like, and want to use to defend your position, and ignoring the rest. I noticed you bolded "business arrangement". Are you telling me that her need to spend nights there with him, and olny him, is part of a business arrangement? It would make a sick kind of sense... The guy is doing A LOT of work for her, for very little money (mostly just room and board, at this point). When I ask her why he's doing all that, she doesn't have much of an answer.

Tell me Merry.. Why do YOU think he's doing all that work?

Ugh, quit going back and editing your posts after the thread has moved on.

Free room and board is hundreds of dollars per month. That alone is a pretty good reason for anyone to agree to that arrangement. Maybe he wants her back. But whatever. His intentions don't matter at all. You need to trust your girlfriend.

I bolded business arrangement because that's her reason for him being there. I think you're getting jealous and caught up with the fact that he lives there. Forget about him. She goes home several nights a week. That is all. There is nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. You apparently disagree, and that's fine. Break up with her, then.

[Wakeup]

You apparently disagree, and that's fine. Break up with her, then.

he doesn't have to, she's agreed to leave her "business arrangement" and live with Op. What's wrong with the ex living at her rental while he does free repairs without her there? What's wrong with her telling Pete that's the arrangement (and thereby alleviating some of his angst) and can he just chill until the work is done?

Why are you being so sketchy Pete's girlfriend? Why not come in and give your side? Then we'll have both sides of the story.

[MerryH]

he doesn't have to, she's agreed to leave her "business arrangement" and live with Op.

Ah, right. I forgot for a moment that she already agreed to his wishes yet he is still unsatisfied.

Welp. I'm done here. Good luck, OP's girlfriend.

[Pete69]

How would my situation be be different if he didn't live there? That's easy... I would. We've discussed it already.

She may never look at this forum again... I showed it to her when there were just a few replies, and she got upset... Said no one was going to understand what was going on in our lives... That I had skewed everyone's opinion against her... It doesn't really mater anyway. We have Merry. If you want to know what my girl would say, just read Merry's posts... Its like they're the same person. If you're not my girl in disguise Merry, then you must be her long lost twin.

Aside from that Merry, you say you're not being abusive? You're calling me a liar, and trying to discredit me in everyone's eyes... I still really don't know why.

[Wakeup]

Well, Merry gave you her reasons why. People are allowed to disagree afterall. I'd still like to hear your gf's side. It would be interesting to find out why she does what she does/did.

Peace.