devistated and confused

[Junket]

You think that's bad? What about ME?! WHAT ABOUT MY PROBLEMS?!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I want to cry.

[inkeepingsecret]

I say, ignore the calls, dont txt, and do whatever you can to block her out right now. I know its easier said then done, but try and for get about her for a little while. After all, she broke up with you man. That feeling that you have about wanting to get back with her is only going to screw you up even more.

Dont think about the "memories, good times, reasons why she loves or loved you"
seriously, ive been thru stages that you go thru when you are dumped man. THe only choice is to truely let her go. Like i said before, only good can from it.

1. she will have time to firgure things out and SHE will decide if you are the one she wants to be with (nothing you can say or do right now will change the fact that she doesnt thing that you are right now) If you are there ar her beck and call she will never have a chance to miss you or whatever, and you will jsut sit there waiting to ge dissapointed again.

2. You will have time to think about yourself!!! meet new people. Meet new friends. Find some new ways to have fun. Trust me, it gets better. And if she comes crawiling back to you down the road, it will be YOUR choice if you want her back.


Trust me, this is what you need to do. Try not to let the past get in the way of YOUR future. Life will go on, as it always does, but for now, let her go.

[cycletease]

Girl here giving you advice on girls. CUT OFF CONTACT. DO NOT TEXT, DO NOT ANSWER CALLS.

You need some time here. If you want to get this girl back, if you want to get over this girl the actions are the same. NO CONTACT!

It may seem like if she is calling then everything is ok, it is not. This girl misses you, which is great and what you feel you want. This does not mean that she has sorted through her issues. Until she has come to some resolution in her head starting back up is just going to mean a short time before she ends it for good. Trust me on this one...you get back to talking now and it is a death sentence.

You really need your girl to feel like she might actually have lost you. It may sound like a game but it is fact. For some reason emotions are a funny thing and people truly don't know their own feelings sometimes.

You can do whatever you want, but you have a lot of people here who have been where you are and where your girlfriend is. We are not basing this on emotion, just logic and experience.

Stay strong, you can do this.

[nester]

So how long do I carry on the no contact?

Girl here giving you advice on girls. CUT OFF CONTACT. DO NOT TEXT, DO NOT ANSWER CALLS.

You need some time here. If you want to get this girl back, if you want to get over this girl the actions are the same. NO CONTACT!

It may seem like if she is calling then everything is ok, it is not. This girl misses you, which is great and what you feel you want. This does not mean that she has sorted through her issues. Until she has come to some resolution in her head starting back up is just going to mean a short time before she ends it for good. Trust me on this one...you get back to talking now and it is a death sentence.

You really need your girl to feel like she might actually have lost you. It may sound like a game but it is fact. For some reason emotions are a funny thing and people truly don't know their own feelings sometimes.

You can do whatever you want, but you have a lot of people here who have been where you are and where your girlfriend is. We are not basing this on emotion, just logic and experience.

Stay strong, you can do this.

[nester]

So anyone have any advice on how long I should have no contact?

[cycletease]

So how long do I carry on the no contact?

I may be totally wrong on this, you know your situation better than anyone else, but consider this. You are together 4 years and this girl is thinking of her future and she gets scared...why is she scared? Is she scared because she doesn't thinks she wants to be married or in a long term committment with someone? I don't think so. I think she is afraid because she looks into her future and sees something that may not be right for her. What you need to do is figure out what is making her unsure. Hard to do since you are not in her head...but make some guesses here. Look at your relationship and see the problems for what they are instead of overlooking them because you love this girl. Loving her means that you need to confront the issues. No relationship is perfect, but what makes a perfect one is the ability to communicate and work out the kinks.

Why cut off contact when you need to work things out? Well she was scared enough of something to end the relationship so the work things out and talk phase is over. She is in the try to move on phase (otherwise she would not have actually taken the steps that she did). Right now, I suspect that she feels the she can step back in and pick things up at any moment if she changes her mind. That is not a good thing for you. You need to show her that you have value and that you will not just be sitting around crying for her. While this may be exactly what you are doing, you need to give the impression that you are going to go on and that you will be happy and busy and leading a fun life. Since I believe that she loves you still, she will probably want to be part of this fun and fantastic life.

What is the advantage of getting out of a relationship and dating new people anyway? I would say there is a certain excitement in trying new things, right? My contention is that many relationships get a little mundane and while you love a person, the relationship (the day to day activities, etc) get dull and people start looking for greener pastures.

Now what if this girl could get all of the fun, all of the excitement and variety with a guy who she already loves? Wouldn't that be the ultimate for her? So what I think you need to do is show her that you and your relationship can be flexible and dynamic. You need to be the fun and interesting guy that she has always dreamed of being with and you need to have a life that shows her you can be that.

Sadly, to show her that you have to actually push her away. You can't show her things have changed if you are still doing the same things. She can't have a chance to miss you if you are always there. She can't get a clear perspective if she is always confusing herself by seeing you. She can't see what it is like to lose you if she never does.

If I were in your shoes I would be planning some trips out of town, dinner with friends (that she may hear about), take up a hobby that you have always been interested in, start going to local clubs and listening to live music...maybe learn an instrument yourself.

Of course, this is the last thing you feel like doing. The thought of having fun probably makes you ill. Doubtless you want to be home with the windows shut...but you can't allow yourself to do that. Going out is good for you and good for a relationship. Be a person that you would admire and she will admire you as well.

[nester]

But what about no contact....she is out of town now and will be for a couple of months (school), what should I do when she calls...ignore them or answer them

I may be totally wrong on this, you know your situation better than anyone else, but consider this. You are together 4 years and this girl is thinking of her future and she gets scared...why is she scared? Is she scared because she doesn't thinks she wants to be married or in a long term committment with someone? I don't think so. I think she is afraid because she looks into her future and sees something that may not be right for her. What you need to do is figure out what is making her unsure. Hard to do since you are not in her head...but make some guesses here. Look at your relationship and see the problems for what they are instead of overlooking them because you love this girl. Loving her means that you need to confront the issues. No relationship is perfect, but what makes a perfect one is the ability to communicate and work out the kinks.

Why cut off contact when you need to work things out? Well she was scared enough of something to end the relationship so the work things out and talk phase is over. She is in the try to move on phase (otherwise she would not have actually taken the steps that she did). Right now, I suspect that she feels the she can step back in and pick things up at any moment if she changes her mind. That is not a good thing for you. You need to show her that you have value and that you will not just be sitting around crying for her. While this may be exactly what you are doing, you need to give the impression that you are going to go on and that you will be happy and busy and leading a fun life. Since I believe that she loves you still, she will probably want to be part of this fun and fantastic life.

What is the advantage of getting out of a relationship and dating new people anyway? I would say there is a certain excitement in trying new things, right? My contention is that many relationships get a little mundane and while you love a person, the relationship (the day to day activities, etc) get dull and people start looking for greener pastures.

Now what if this girl could get all of the fun, all of the excitement and variety with a guy who she already loves? Wouldn't that be the ultimate for her? So what I think you need to do is show her that you and your relationship can be flexible and dynamic. You need to be the fun and interesting guy that she has always dreamed of being with and you need to have a life that shows her you can be that.

Sadly, to show her that you have to actually push her away. You can't show her things have changed if you are still doing the same things. She can't have a chance to miss you if you are always there. She can't get a clear perspective if she is always confusing herself by seeing you. She can't see what it is like to lose you if she never does.

If I were in your shoes I would be planning some trips out of town, dinner with friends (that she may hear about), take up a hobby that you have always been interested in, start going to local clubs and listening to live music...maybe learn an instrument yourself.

Of course, this is the last thing you feel like doing. The thought of having fun probably makes you ill. Doubtless you want to be home with the windows shut...but you can't allow yourself to do that. Going out is good for you and good for a relationship. Be a person that you would admire and she will admire you as well.

[cycletease]

But what about no contact....she is out of town now and will be for a couple of months (school), what should I do when she calls...ignore them or answer them

Hell, I don't have an exact rule for you on this. I guess it depends on how often she calls and what she wants. Is she leaving voicemail for you? Is she depressed and needs someone to talk to? Is she just making social calls to say hi?

If she *needs* to talk to you...then I would talk to her. If she just want to chat I wouldn't do it. If she has called 5 times, left "hello" messages then maybe I would pick up just to hear what she wants and keep her from feeling totally discouraged.

[Jenrick285]

I'd have to agree...

Consider her gone and don't respond to her. If it was meant to be, it'll find a way... Besides whats a few weeks/months compared to a lifetime?

Think about this... what if you two were married and this happened? and what if there were kids involved? Consider yourself lucky this happened before all of that... (I was close to getting married with an ex too, thank ye gods I didn't!).

The grass is always greener on the other side, but eventually the weeds will grow there too and it'll require the same amount of maintenance as most fields.

And btw cycle is right, go out and see the things you have been missing out on, it might actually surprise you

[Cybog]

I agree with cycletease on the fact that you need to ignore her and move on. I, however, would tell you to start learning what the words "finished" actually mean. Anytime a woman tells you that the relationship is over, you need to learn how to handle that. By ending it.

Is it easy? Hell no. But the more you pine and obsess over this girl and try so hard to "win her back", the more of a mess you will become.

What do I know. I'm just some anonymous internet dude.

[cycletease]

What do I know. I'm just some anonymous internet dude.

I think your advice was spot on on this.

[nester]

sorry if it seems like im not getting the point here guys, im just having a really tough time with this, i've been trying everything to get over this but my thoughts are consumed with her every second. I'm trying so hard but I really love this girl and am having such a hard time picturing myself w/out her. I also do not have many friends to talk to about this (most of our friends are hers) and I don't want to let them see me in the mess that I am right now.

I think your advice was spot on on this.

[cycletease]

Of course you are having a tough time with this. I hope I have never given the impression that this was easy or that you had to feel like you wanted to do all of this. I know that every second is consumed by this and that you are desparate for a way to fix the situation. I know just how you feel. Even though you feel like no one else can possibly understand, we do.

Your situation is not desparate. You are in much better shape than many others. You have a girl whom you know that you love. She has put things on hold, but is still calling you. You know you want to make this work out and spend the rest of your life with her.

Now compare yourself to many others, girls who cheat, men who don't know if they are in love, women who run and never look back...though it is hard to imagine, things could be a lot worse.

You are on this forum to get advice from people who have a different perspective, yes? Fortunately for you we are not overcome with emotion over this situation and can give you some rational advice based on the information that we are provided. Now it may seem that we are cold and unfeeling, but we are trying to give you what you have asked for...advice on what to do. No one has said that this is easy and that you can deny your broken heart. But if you want to know what we think you should do...then that is what we are giving you.

You are welcome to post up and tell us how sad you are and how hard this is for you. We all understand and sympathize. Especially when you have few people you can talk to, please know that we are here to listen. But if you want us to get emotionally consumed and tell you that life is over without her because that is the way that you feel, you are in the wrong place. We want you to be ok and have a happy life and we are not going to give you advice that won't be good for you.

Now, open the drapery, let in some light, get off this forum where you are allowing yourself to fixate more on this situation, get on pollstar.com and find a concert to go to this weekend, find a coffee shop and magazine to read and get out of the house. I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. I know that you are clinging to every memory of her and you don't want anything to interfere with you obsession over this situation. You are normal, you are doing what I do when I have a broken heart and I know just where you are coming from. But this is what you *need* to do, for yourself and for the only hope of making your relationship work out.

Post up anytime, about anything...we will gladly listen, provide a shoulder or yell at you to get your shit together as needed.

[nester]

hey guys, she called me today, i did not answer. She said she was calling to see how i was. I've been doing no contact for about 2 weeks. SHould I reply with a quick text saying i got her message?

[cycletease]

hey guys, she called me today, i did not answer. She said she was calling to see how i was. I've been doing no contact for about 2 weeks. SHould I reply with a quick text saying i got her message?

Are you joking!?! I think every post on here tells you not to reply.

No contact for 2 weeks is a great start, keep at it! The fact that she is calling you is really good but does not mean that you are in the clear. Give it a bit more time. If she urgently needs to talk to you about something then make the appropriate call. Otherwise, no contact.