Ex-girlfriend is stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy

[Zachi]

Thank you.
I appreciate your empathy and wise words

[Zachi]

Update:

So I live with my mom, but I hadn't told her anything about those emails, and about the insults from S, because I knew that she would react negatively to it. Especially the insults from S. But back then, when S sent me those aggressive words on facebook from C's account, I was so much in a state of shock, that I "accidentally" told my dad the details (who I was with at that time), in a desperate attempt to not keep everything inside of me. Since then I regret it.

Now that my mom talked on the phone with my dad, my dad told her about it, and she freaked out on me, because I never told her. Earlier she had been kind of okay with my plans of travelling to Kenya, and spend time with friends and relatives, as well as talking to C about our past together. But now after she have heard about the message I got from S, she is not okay with it at all. Furthermore, she accuses me of trying to ruin someone else's relationship, and she says that she clearly understand why S got mad over it. And to be honest, I also feel bad about it. Technically, I didn't try to change C's mind. I told her to be honest with herself, and make the decision that was right for her heart. But my motivation for doing so, was also because I had a feeling that she wanted to be with me instead of S, and that she just needed a little reminder of our times together, to have the motivation to do what she needed to do.

But now that I look back at it, I also feel quite bad over my actions. I shouldn't have sent her those mails. At least, I should have stopped after sending her the first one, because, yeah, I admit, I fell for a bad side of myself wanting to ruin her relationship with S... While of course, that's not technically what I tried to do, I was kind of hoping for that outcome...

Now I don't know what to expect about my upcoming trip to Kenya. I have other friends and relatives to hang out with in that town, and travelling to Kenya is much much more than just visiting C once, to talk about our past together, but my mom and my dad is afraid of my safety now. More than I would be myself, but I am also kind of afraid, to be honest. I just don't think it's fair that this one arrogant guy down there in Kenya should have to power to stop me from going on a vacation to simply see my friends, even if I don't plan on meeting with C... The problem is just, that the town where all of this takes place, is a small town, and it's really easy meet people you know on the street, and rumors spread easily. Me going there, without S finding out is quite difficult.

Should I really cancel my plan of travelling to Kenya, and all the fun and good times that would be included, because of this one guy who hates me?

As an alternative, I came up with an idea of trying to create some sort of a peace-agreement with S, by sending him this on WhatsApp:

"Hi S.
I just want to apologize for the mail I sent to C before. It was an act of bad judgement. Sometimes, letting go of someone you loved can be really difficult, and you end up doing something stupid. I felt like what I had with C was real, and I couldn't believe it when I found out she was still with you, when I thought she wanted to be with me. And since I heard rumors that she still didn't know who she wanted in her life, I decided to send her that mail, while telling her that she had to make up her mind, and be honest with herself, and either tell you about it, if she felt like being with me, or at least make it clear to me, that she wanted to be with you, so I could move on.

But I understand how you probably felt like I was trying to change her mind into breaking up with you, in order to be with me. I hope you know, that this was not the case. I wanted to motivate her to make a final decision, because it seemed that she was still in doubt. But it may had come off as if I was trying to change her mind, and I apologize for that. What I did was not right, and I understand your reaction.

But in the end, if C is happy to be with you, then she WILL stay with you, no matter what anyone says.

You also need to know, that I have friends in Nanyuki, that I am planning to visit soon, so if you see me on the street one day, please don't think that I am after C. I am a peaceful person, and I do not wish to have a fight with anyone. So I really hope that I can travel to Nanyuki and hang out with my friends, without fearing my safety because of this. Please, if you can just send me a thumb up, so I know that you have read my message, and that you are okay with everything now - then I will be happy.

Zachi"

What do you guys think about me sending this to S on WhatsApp?

[Minikimini]

There's a saying: lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas.

Deal with a liar and you never can trust that anything out of their mouths is the truth.

This chick lies as naturally as drawing breath. Both you and S should leave her where she's standing. She is a baldfaced liar and she will never mean anyone any good.

Do yourself a humongous favor and leave her alone.

- - - Updated - - -

Update:

What do you guys think about me sending this to S on WhatsApp?

Leave him alone, too. She's not a prize in anyone's estimation.

Surely, women can't be that thin on the ground where you are?

[Zachi]

This was not a question about her, actually. It was a question about creating some sort of peace-agreement with S, so I can still travel to the same town, and at least hang out with my other friends and relatives, without worrying about some crazy violent guy trying to attack me, because he sees that I am back, and he thinks I am going to "steal" his girlfriend... I mean, if we don't think about C for a moment, that town in Kenya is also like a second home for me. So I think it is a shame if this one guy should prevent me from visiting that place, to see all of my other friends and relatives... That's why I am considering to send him that message on WhatsApp, apologizing, hoping that there will be some peace, so I don't have to fear for my safety...

[pcmaster]

Don't fear for your safety. Just learn boxing and you will be safe.

[Zachi]

Haha, I admit, in a serious situation like this, I still laughed. I am a peaceful dude, and I DON'T think trying to be the toughest and strongest guy is the right solution to choose in this situation! xD Fighting over a girl is just ridiculous. And dangerous. And idiotic. I hope you were joking ;P

[pcmaster]

Starting fight first is stupid. But protecting yourself or girl if you can win and win is cool.-

[Zachi]

I don't think I am going to take someone serious, who would encourage to violence. Even if it's self-defense... I don't even want to end up in a violent situation at all.

[pcmaster]

Ok man, don't defend yourself when you get raped in the ass.

[Zachi]

I don't think you get it. I want to stay out of trouble. I don't want to put myself into a dangerous situation in the first place. It's that simple.

[TheEvilJester]

I do definitely agree with you that it is stupid, immature, and a million other negative things to SEEK OUT violence. I could never understand the pig-headed kind of people who are so quick to rush to violence. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being able to defend yourself and/or those you love if you are not given a choice. I may be wrong, but I do not think PC was suggestion you seek out violence with this guy. He was merely suggesting it may benefit you to be able to defend yourself if the guy gave you no other choice. I'm all for an attitude of non-violence.... but if he decides he wants to attack you, how exactly is that going to help you?

I don't know the guy, but hopefully that concern is a moot point anyway. I would hope, however big an idiot he may be, that he's not THAT much of an idiot. But, who knows? There are some pretty big, meat-headed idiots in this world who WOULD do such a thing. Anyway, addressing your latest question.... Maybe this is just me, but I personally would not suggest sending him ANY message at all. Not even in an attempt to make peace. If he's a reasonable person, the message wouldn't even be needed. If he's NOT a reasonable person and actually might resort to violence with you, a message probably isn't going to help anyway. It may even just make him more angry. If he's really THAT much of a meat-head, he'll just read into it things you didn't intend and think you are actually doing the exact opposite of what you were intending. He may decide you are faking being Mr. Nice Guy to provoke him and/or to look good for her. I just personally don't see any good reason to bother messaging him.

Don't let him ruin your trip, especially if that is a place you go often. If he DOES try to get violent, don't hesitate to involve the authorities either. If he's stupid enough to try something, maybe he deserves to spend some time behind bars to think about how much of an idiot he is.

[Zachi]

Let me just mention, that I met this guy in real life before. Back then he seemed kinda cool. He was not angry, and actually surprisingly okay with me, despite having been with his girlfriend for the past two weeks. He was in shock, and very disappointed, but he made a point clear: That we had no reason to fight, and that C was to blame for this. I even remember him saying, after C had made her choice of being with him, that in the future when I come to Kenya, I would be welcome to stay with him and C in their house, if I needed a place. Obviously, I could NEVER do that, considering the amount of jealousy and hidden frustrating emotions that would cause!! But the fact that he gave me the opportunity, at least says something good about him.

But about sending him that message: He may not know, that I have several friends and relatives in that town. Maybe he thinks that my only reason to be there in the past was to be with C. So I can only imagine, if he sees me on the street again, he will think I traveled there to "win back" C. (Because why else would a random Danish person travel to that specific little town in Kenya of all places?)
However, and this is why I wanted to send him that message, if he knows that I am not there to try to "steal" C from him, at least that would be better, than me risking going there, while sending a misunderstood signal that I am secretly trying to get involved in a relationship with C...

In my honest estimation of that guy, I don't think he's that much of an idiot, and I think that he would understand and accept my apology, as well as my wish to create peace between us, if I send him that message. Of course, I could be wrong, but I just don't see how I could make things worse by trying.

I mean how would he blame me for giving him an apology? What would his argument be?

[TheEvilJester]

Well, based on you bringing it up, I thought you were implying he was kind of a meat-head and may actually very likely resort to violence. I may have just misunderstood, though, because it sounds like you say he seems to be a reasonable guy. So, I still don't personally think any message is necessarily needed. If he is as reasonable as he sounded, he probably wouldn't think anything of it if he saw you. Or, even if he did somewhat wonder if you were there to try to win your ex back... as long as you didn't actually do that he'd obviously eventually figure out you weren't there for that when you don't even so much as talk to her.

All the same, if you DO think you'd feel better letting him know ahead of time, I think I'd maybe just suggest keeping it short but sweet. I mean, again, I still personally recommend just not sending a message at all. But if you'd feel better, I think it would be better not to go into so much detail. Maybe it is just me, but the lengthy message you suggested would almost make it seem like you are over-compensating and could just make him worried even if he wasn't already. I'd personally keep it short, maybe something like: "Hey, man. I just wanted to let you know I am going to be in your neck of the woods soon because I am visiting some friends there. I wanted to let you know ahead of time in case you happened to see me. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression if you do see me, so I just felt better letting you know." Just something like that.

Just my thoughts on the matter, though.

[Zachi]

Ah okay... Thanks for taking your time to follow my case, and help me with advice! Well, as time is progressing, the situation I am in also changes... I am kind of in a different dilemma now.

I have a month of free time in July (it's called the summer holiday) My plan had always been to travel to that town in Kenya, actually for two reasons:

1. To hang out in the area, and have some fun and great experiences

2. To at least meet with C once, to get and up-to-date impression of what our relationship to each other is like now, where we talk about everything that happened in the past, she gets a change to actually apologize for her actions of betrayal, I get to know what she intended with me, and what she expects between us in the future. If she still kind of see me as a potential more than a friend, or if she have given up on that by now, and just want to be my friend, or if she doesn't even want to be my friend. You know, to get an update about our relationship to each other, where we talk about everything. Of course, no matter what, I would not rush to be in a relationship with her again, unless S is far gone for good.

But now, considering the tense situation between me and S, if I had to do number 2, I would also have to try to do it without S finding out. Imagine him hearing that I went there, and I met with C... Therefore in that case, I should definitely NOT tell S that I have plans of going there, without meeting up with C, because that would be a straight lie. So if I do that, then I wouldn't write anything to S. I know that C is an expert at hiding information... take it in a good or a bad way... but I shouldn't worry about C telling S about our talk. Her mom's place used to be a safe-zone, where S is not welcome because C's mother hates S. (But again, if I went there, I would have to do some research first, to make sure that C's mother still is against S coming to her home) However I can't tell if the risk would be worth it or not. But let's say it's not worth it. So what am I left with? I am left with only number 1: To hang out in the area, and have some fun experiences. (And possibly sending that message to S, if I am 100% sure I am not going to try to meet with C)

But then again, if I would only intend to visit that place for the purpose of number 1, I might as well visit another exotic place on earth like India, or South America, to get an equal amount of experience in my summer holiday. That would at least leave out any fear of being confronted by S, which is something especially my parents are very concerned about. My mom would also like to travel to other exotic destinations with me, which would be an alternative. No doubt, that me not going to Kenya, would be in my parents favor! The only problem is, that I feel like I kind of have an identity down there in Kenya among those people I know in that town. Not going there in my summer-holiday just seems kind of against who I am as a person.

So I am actually stuck in a "tri"lemma:

1. Should I follow my heart, and travel to Kenya to hang out where I usually hang out, where I feel like my "second home" is, and include my most important milestone: To meet once with C, and have a long talk with her, to clearify everything? This is the option that would make me feel soooooo much better. Even if I don't get to see C more than that one time...

2. Should I make a half-hearted decision, and travel to Kenya, where my "second home" is, but avoid meeting with C at all, and thereby miss out on an opportunity that would really relieve my heart's needs of being clearified?

3. Or should I completely erase my plans of going to Kenya, and simply travel to a whole other place in the world with my mom, even though it seems like I am turning my back against my "second home", mostly because of one guy living there who has a problem with me? (And that would also be a bit boring. I crave the feeling of being more than just a tourist)

As an addition to option 3, I could still try to arrange a videocall with C later, where I get to talk to her about everything I feel like I need to get clearified. But what I just don't like about doing it over a digital connection, is the fact, that I really feel like we need to be there next to each other in real life, to ACTUALLY accomplish what I want. Talking through a screen, just isn't the same, even if the main objective is to conversate about our past, present and future. It's like I really crave her physical appearance next to me, to properly feel like I can get what I want. On one hand, C has the right to meet with me and talk to me if she wants to, but on the other hand, even if S is kind of reasonable, I am very sure he would still take it in a bad way if I secretly tried to meet with C. And don't even suggest that I ask him to allow me to talk to her in private for 2 hours!! (which is the estimated time I think it would take to clearify everything with her)




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For your information, because you seem confused about how reasonable S is, here is what I know about him:

1. I have HEARD about S beating up C, and locking her in his house. One of C's friends in Kenya last time told me, that C used to go to her place sometimes to get "treated" by her friend from the wounds in her face.

2. When mentioning S, everyone's first reaction is like "He's a jerk", "He's an asshole". "He is so arrogant" etc.

3. When I was with C, C actually sometimes told me about her past with S, and that he is actually a pretty nice guy, but only violent/aggressive when he is drunk.

4. He smokes a lot, and is addicted to alcohol

5. When I met with S for the first time, he told me how he had given up on his alcohol-addiction because of C (but he still unnecessarily purchased alcohol and smoked a lot while I was in his presence, so I am not so sure...)

6. When I met with S in person, I could see how he seemed like a short tempered person behind the surface, but he was calm and respectful towards me though. He talked a lot, and seemed kind of intelligent, and not so arrogant. He said he was ready to give back everything that reminded him of C to C, and move away and start a new life, if C would choose to be with me from now on. He gave the choice to C, and he didn't blame me at all. He seemed very focused on how we were both ignorant fools anyway, and that C was the one to choose.

7. He was very emotional though, and had tears in his eyes.

8. He wasn't aggressive the second time when I videocalled him and he could show me that C was there next to him, but he seemed kind of annoyed. After the call, he politely told me he wouldn't want to speak to me.

9. And then of course, he reacted very aggressively when he saw that I was trying to make C read an email I sent her, by calling me a f'''ing idiot and a f'''ing dog for trying to speak to his girlfriend. (But what I did was also kind of wrong, so I understand)

Let's just say, I think he is short tempered, and has a tendency to become violent, but mostly on a bar-fight level, or a slap to the face when he gets pissed off at C about something. I think the whole thing about S being really dangerous and abusive is a bit too much of an exaggeration. But it's ONLY A THEORY. I MAY BE WRONG

___

Sorry about the long message. Once I start writing I am really bad at keeping it short!

[TheEvilJester]

This may just honestly be a situation where you will have to do whatever you decide is best for you. Because it doesn't sound like you want to do what I would suggest and what I imagine a lot of others would suggest as well. And that is to forget C for now and assume you two are completely done, now and forever. To move on and forget her. Which isn't to say you couldn't change your mind if she ever reached out to you wanting another chance... I'm just saying I think you would be much better off letting go of her for now.

You've already said your peace to her. You have already made it clear you've left the window open for her to come back to you if that is what she wants. You've even made it clear what would have to happen for that to work. I really don't see what more you would get out of discussing it all with her again. If she wanted to be with you, she'd find a way to be with you. She'd leave S and she'd be with you. Maybe inevitably she WILL decide she wants to leave S and wants to be with you... but as of now she's with him. As of now you've given her the opportunity to come back to you and she's not yet taken it. That tells you everything you really need to know right there.

If you absolutely insist on having that final one on one talk with her then I guess none of us can convince you otherwise. But, I just think you are better off to just let it go for now. As far as your upcoming vacation... first off, if it were me personally, I would take C completely out of the equation. I would personally suggest having absolutely ZERO intention of meeting up with her at all. Then, thinking of it like that.... what would you rather do? Go somewhere new, or go to the place that you almost feel is like your second home? If you'd rather have new experiences, going somewhere new may be your best bet. If you like going somewhere familiar then the place you've been would be better.

You shouldn't feel like you can't go somewhere you enjoy simply because of somebody else who happens to live there/near there. Are you going to avoid the place for the rest of your life simply because they are there? You shouldn't have to. However violent/idiotic S may be, there are ways you can protect yourself if needed. Even if you just involve the authorities so that he would be arrested if he tried to do anything to you.

Anyway, like I've said, good luck to you in whatever you do decide. It is your life to live, so we can't tell you what is right for you. We can share what we think and hope that it helps you in some way. But, ultimately you have to decide what is best for your own life. Good luck.