I met someone on Saturday, now I'm depressed...

[Incognito]

Because sometimes being an adult, being a man, being a person with moral fiber means not fighting fire with fire. In order to uphold my own personal moral standards I cannot divorce her unless she ****s up by leaving me or cheating on me.


WOW, NEWSFLASH: I just got a response from the woman that I emailed.

[vashti]

it's not a newsflash unless you tell us what she said.

[Incognito]

Well it turns out that both of us being there was the result of a very unusual series of events. When I sat near her I was apparently in a postion that she couldn't see my ring. She said that she assumed that I was single because I was getting carry out alone on a Saturday night. She said that she could never be involved with someone who is married and said that "she honors my integrity". I shredded the card, but I kept her contact information in case I am single one day.

[Charlie Boy II]

what is this "carry out" you speak of?

[Incognito]

Carry out is when you order food and don't eat it at the restaurant, you "carry it out" with you. Many here simply refer to it as take out, or carry out food. Slang I suppose.

[Incognito]

I posted my/her email as a blog. I guess its done for now.

[the_robot]

Because sometimes being an adult, being a man, being a person with moral fiber means not fighting fire with fire. In order to uphold my own personal moral standards I cannot divorce her unless she ****s up by leaving me or cheating on me.

Wow.. that's having a high sense of honor. I would not be with someone I'm not happy with, but being like that you deserve respect.

[Incognito]

I suppose it goes without saying, but I wouldn't ever cheat either (premeditatedly anyway).

[VincenzoG91]

Because sometimes being an adult, being a man, being a person with moral fiber means not fighting fire with fire. In order to uphold my own personal moral standards I cannot divorce her unless she ****s up by leaving me or cheating on me.

I strongly believe in the institution of marriage. When a married couple is having problems, I firmly believe that they should try to work them out, and if that doesn't work, seek counseling. If all else fails, then get divorced.

That said, I don't see anything noble about sticking it out in a bad marriage after all the solutions have failed. It isn't heroic, just dismal. It doesn't do any favors for the kids, who can eventually tell that their parents aren't happy together. It just leaves everybody directly involved pointlessly unhappy.

[Incognito]

Thank you for your post VincenzoG91. I regard you as one of the smarter, more level headed, more morally in tune people here. With that said I sort of disagree with you.......sort of. My marriage was much much much worse only a few years ago. It is better than how it used to be which points to progression. One of the only issues left is the lack of sex in my marriage (or lack of desire on her part anyway). I am not sticking it out just for bragging rights, or to be heroic. I am trying to be patient and see if the sexual side of my marriage improves. I am only human and therefore can only be deprived of something that I need for so long before I have to force changes by leaving (again) or before I cheat in a moment of weakness (NOT premeditatedly). We have not gone to counseling yet either, mainly because I'd need Bill Gates to pay for the hourly rates that most counselors charge. My insurance doesn't cover counseling unless it is something like post traumatic stress, which is bullshit by the way.

[VincenzoG91]

I realize this might not work for the particular issues you are facing, but I've heard that churches offer free marriage counseling. Of course, that counseling is going to be strongly flavored with religious doctrine.

[Incognito]

At this point the only thing that anyone could say to her is "open your legs and learn to like it". I don't want that because the desire still wouldn't be there. Anyone can just do something because they are being goaded into doing it, but wanting to do it is another matter altogether. If I "asked" I'm sure she'd have sex with me, but that is awful. It makes me feel like a rapist to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. All I can do now is wait longer. Either she'll have a change of heart one day and realize exactly what she is doing to me and our marriage by not being intimate or she won't realize it and I'll leave.

[Kaius]

Being a newly divorced man, I can relate to the feeling of an unhappy marriage, and the thrill of meeting someone new while in the marriage. It happened to me. I didn't cheat. I met her for lunch/dinner a few times...she was married too... She wanted to have sex, and I said no. I basically told her if she wanted me, she would have to wait for me to get a divorce first. I was ready to divorce anyway before I met her, so it was just another reason to get out of a crappy marriage. The thing was, this new woman didn't want to get a divorce, so I stopped seeing her. I went ahead and proceeded with my divorce, and then met the woman of my dreams. So here I am.

I don't really think lack of sex was a big problem in my marriage. The idea of having sex with wife felt yucky to me. I didn't want to at all. I think that was the problem. I was not attracted to her anymore...not because she was physically unattractive (quite the opposite actually), but because she had been so cruel to me for so many years. I could never sleep with a woman who hurts me constantly. One night she wanted to jump me because we hadn't had sex for a year, and I pushed her off. I told her it was over.

If you are in an unhappy marriage, get out as quickly as possible. It will eventually happen, so it's just a matter of time. I have never heard of counselling ever saving a marriage. A marriage works when two people are willing to work on it. If one side quits, it's over.

[Incognito]

I have heard of counseling working for couples, but it is usually because one or both people are stubborn and won't listen to the other. That isn't the case with me because I have made known my position many times, and she has aknoweledged it. She just doesn't change. She complained (mentioned actually) a week or so ago that we didn't have sex for a long time, but she didn't miss it or want it. I personally think that she wonders why I'm not hounding her for sex like I used to, because that is what she expects. She probably only wonders what changed, or if I'm getting it somewhere else. Whatever. I think at this rate if she developed an insatiable appetite for my penis tonight I'd sleep naked and rock hard next to her for a month and jerk off with the bathroom door open just to spite her.

Its actually funny to hear myself say that because a friend that I had in Houston said he did the same thing. His wife was an absolute ass to him, and was lazy to boot. She wanted sex all the time, but after a while he couldn't stand her. He told me that one day she came into the room naked and jumped on top of him grinding on him and kissing him. He said that he pushed her off and went and jerked off in the bathroom. He said he saw her peekting through the door because it wasn't closed all the way and that she was masturbating while watching him. At the time I couldn't understand his reasoning, but I do now.....fully.

[Rich]

Incognito, I could not agree more with the thing about actually wanting to do stuff in the bedroom.

I cant really offer any advice because I dont think I have the experience to give you any good advice, but I really hope things work out for you.