Would you have gone with this?

[Wakeup]

I truly thought this guy was just looking for platonic companionship seeing as he had a gf

Yes, okay.

, was inviting me to group stuff initially, and told me I deserve so much better than the guy I went to meet who turned out to have reunited with an ex-gf about a month before I visited him.

So?

He was the last guy I thought would hit on me. My big mistake was in not saying something before things got out of hand and I totally accept responsibility for that... I do still hold him a bit more accountable though for having started the whole thing and under what I feel were false pretenses (ie, uninviolved friend).

**** you. You knew he had a girlfriend the minute you fell into anything beyond platonic is on YOU. You are the author of how you feel right now. Had you told him to go use his right hand when he "tried" something, YOU would not be experiencing the negative emotions you're now going through. Had you not known he was already involved with someone I would give you some sympathy.

I am trying to determine if I should stay in the group now and having a really hard time making the decision.

What is this Fleetwood Mack for gawd sake? If you can't just do your job and then leave it all behind you when the gig ends then you'd best just end all contact now. I suggest you don't have affairs where you work in the future.

I feel disrespected by the whole thing

You should forgive yourself and you'll feel better

but I have a friend who said she wouldnt feel disrespected if a guy had asked her to be his F-buddy in the situation.

With friends like her, you don't need any enemies. I'm not sure if she thinks she's helping you by telling you what she thinks you want to hear, or she wouldn't feel disrespected because she is smart enough to realize that you can't expect much more than being a **** buddy with a guy that already has a girlfriend and it's quite obvious that he's not ever going to leave her for you?

Good luck, accept that you are the author of you own misfortune, forgive yourself, make a decision if you want a job or you want the drama and then get on with your life while you forget him and the rest of the "group." Promise yourself you won't get unplatonic with men already involved and you'll be happier overall.

I'm still married, I have a gf and she runs 1/2 my business and it would be really hard to extricate myself.. plus I kinda love her".

Good Gawd!

[Crackerlove]

Yes, okay.

So?

Good luck, accept that you are the author of you own misfortune, forgive yourself, make a decision if you want a job or you want the drama and then get on with your life while you forget him and the rest of the "group." Promise yourself you won't get unplatonic with men already involved and you'll be happier overall.

"So?".... So as I continued below... he was the last guy I thought would have tried to come onto me.


"Unplatonic with men"... this was a first for me. Ive never been involved with someone already taken before. Not my standard MO at all.

[Yet another guy]

Will it be the last?

[Crackerlove]

I didnt go looking for this. I have never in my life gone after someone else's guy... for lots of reasons. It is not my typical M.O. as I stated. Had I known what he was looking for from the getgo I probably would have told him no or even told him to go F himself and possibly quit the band too.

One thing I am still struggling with though. The day after we slept together he told me all about his relationship (it was really 6 years long... he lived with her for 2... they are talking about a future either here or in other country... on a path with her... and made it sound like no chance at all for us). The following week he emailed and called asking to go to dinner. I didnt respond until Fri night and decided to go to talk about what had happened. First thing he said "Look I'm not a good candidate for you. I'm married and I have a gf and it would be really hard to extricate myself." In a recent email he said I in turn started to get more and more into myself and ask very pointed questions which seemed to be trying to pin him down or catch him out and how every guy hates that. He asked if I ever ask a guy a question because I'm genuinely interested and should have shown some emptahy for what he had to deal with and then just BACKED OFF instead of ask question after question obviously aimed to dig deep and trap. He added did I think he would just drop everything and suddenly change channels??? He also mentioned the long silences in the car and my desire to leave the club freaked him out. What was planned to be a fun evening turned out to be disaster yet he still insisted on taking me home as it was his obligation but he was totally pissed off and knew it would never work any thoughts he had had about me other than friends before that were negated as it was all just too heavy. He also said he didn't want anything with me at all that night (sexually) and tried to put me off but I would not accept it. (When we got back to his house we talked more in his car and he started caressing my hand again. He said a little while later: "Well you know my situation... what do you want to do?" (that after lots of looks of longing also. I intimated I wanted to be with him again. He quickly complied and was all over me as soon as we got in the house.)

Also, just days before his gf visitied a month later he asked me to dinner again when we started fighting on the phone. I went to tell him off and he never should have initiated anything etc.... He said "I get mad at you too sometimes. Its like you want a commitment right away or else you put up a wall! I feel like I cant do or say things I naturally feel around you now". Later in the car (again caressing my hand) he said "I didnt plan to fall in love with two people"... "It could be a good thing with you or her"... "its easier to talk muisic with a musician"... "I have to sort things out with her" (he siad last couple times they visited she wasnt real receptive to him)... "I think about you a lot"...

I dont know what to think. I also feel maybe he was being honest about her and things were dissolving and I blew it by how I acted that night. Also when I asked him the other day why he said "I guess I'm getting used to being single again" in the therapists office as I thought his relationship with her was nearly engaged he didnt respond. I said "Yes? No?" He said "Thats something I have to make a decision about at some point too"

[Wakeup]

"So?".... So as I continued below... he was the last guy I thought would have tried to come onto me.

You could have told him NO!

"Unplatonic with men"... this was a first for me. Not my standard MO at all.

You made a mistake, you're human afterall just stop making excuses for yourself and accept that you are the author of the consequences of your actions.

Ive never been involved with someone already taken before.

I would hope that you'd never get involved with someone already taken again. Particularily I'd hope that you'd never invite someone of the opposite sex who is taken into your bed ever again. You play with fire, then you get burnt.

My suggestion: Forgive him, forgive yourself as you're just as at fault as he is and then get on with your life either in the band or not (whatever you decide) but if you don't think you can resist banging band-boy again then don't rejoin them at all.

P.S. Post #19 is just more of you justifying your own behaviour. Take responsibility for your own actions and you'll subconsciously allow yourself to forgive You, which will help you to become indifferent to it all.

P.P.S. Your dysfunctional way of thinking (IMO) continues so I have to ask you: Why would you want to be with a man that maintains a fvck buddy while STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP.. He's a relationship asswipe. He's NOT a good life mate for sure. And, the fact that you two are in "couples counceling" instead of individual counceling is a freaking hoot.

[Crackerlove]

You could have told him NO!

P.P.S. Your dysfunctional way of thinking (IMO) continues so I have to ask you: Why would you want to be with a man that maintains a fvck buddy while STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP.. He's a relationship asswipe. He's NOT a good life mate for sure. And, the fact that you two are in "couples counceling" instead of individual counceling is a freaking hoot.

I thought maybe the relationship was maybe dissolving to begin with given how the attention he was showing me... other women have echoed that feeling. My problem was not asking sooner... I accept that. Actually I did try to bring her up one night finally.

We went to counseling to see if we could still work together.. not couples therapy.

[Wakeup]

I thought maybe the relationship was maybe dissolving to begin with given how the attention he was showing me... other women have echoed that feeling. My problem was not asking sooner... I accept that. Actually I did try to bring her up one night finally.

We went to counseling to see if we could still work together.. not couples therapy.

HELLOOOOOOO. It doesn't matter if it was dissolving. The POINT is that it HADN'T YET dissolved. DON'T GET INVOLVED with men who are still in a relationship. Odds are in your favour that You will be the one who gets burnt. He's already invested emotionally if its a girlfriend. If he wasn't envolved emotionally then he would have left her already. FFS.

If you have to go to counceling to see if you can work in a band together than your particular talent must be hard to come by. JHC. please stop trying to justify you're own back-handed behaviour. You will repeat the same mistake again in your future if you don't admit to you being the author of your own misfortune. He's a player and you got played because you didn't protect your own best interests. Learn to tell a friend "no" when he's already involved. Don't be so weak-willed and easy.

[Crackerlove]

He couldnt have left her already because of business ties (ie, he would lose hundreds of thousands of dollars if she dissolved the business - long story). He would have to break things off very gingerly. As it stands now he has implicated he is trying to sell the business to give the $ to his wife. That is a very recent development as is telling me he has to make a decision about her at some point.

Talent... yes he has tremendous esteem for my talent and said it has inspired him to the point of wanting to reach out to strong contacts he has and tour again.

Thanks for saying he's a player... I didnt see it and it's very helpful to hear.

Do you also think all the sentiments he said to me were all BS then also?

[Wakeup]

Geeezus H. Christ. Please discusss all this privately with your councelor. You need the closure and the self reflection with someone professional. You are not getting anything I'm saying to you and you still make excuses for him and why he didn't choose you. The man has a WIFE AND A GIRLFRIEND and you honestly think that he cared about you past your vagina? He was getting his while on tour with someone whose talent he appreciates. If you're that good then you can get a gig with any band and it would be in your own best interests to distance yourself from this man that has you all in a dither and addicted to his player ways.

Seriously... get 100% away from him or you will be ****ing him again in no time while he doesn't break up with his main squeeze or his wife. Read THAT back a few times and maybe you'll see where your pecking order is.

I'm sorry, but get away from him. Your councelor is just taking your money if she/he hasn't pointed out to you how unhealthy it is for you to be there when/if she knows your back story. Players can psychologically damage you for a long time if you allow them to keep playing you.

How would you ever trust him even if he was to dump the other two main women in his life and pick you. Really?

[Riku]

He has a wife and a gf and you are in therapy with him...bahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! What a fcking joke!!! No way this is real, lmao!!

[Wakeup]

Really, and I'm dumb enough to keep feeding her. Wowzer. Oh well hope it at least helps someone who actually believes they are more then a fk buddy when they obviously aren't. Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own piss poor behaviour too.

[Crackerlove]

It's been over with his wife for 10 years now. They agreed to branch out back then and both started other reltaionships. He lived in the other country with gf for 3 years and she has lived at the boyfriends not too far away for a while now too. They were staying together for the kids but also to grow the business because she had lost a lot of his retirement $ in a business she had 10 yrs ago (he said they never fought in their marriage until the business failing). They started the paperwork for the divorce 6 months ago.

[Crackerlove]

No, because you'll always have some curtain twitcher making stuff up that didn't happen just for fun.

You're implying I made stuff up?

[Crackerlove]

No, I meant you might think you're going out for an innocent drink, but someone jealous of your friendship might try to interfere by spreading rumours.

Ah...............