At a loss

[misombra]

Crikey...did you even read my original post? Where in it did I say I was going to leave my family? Where in it did I say we were planning to take it any further? I actually said the opposite. I came here seeking practical advice in dealing with a situation I think we have handled pretty well. Don't know where you people come from but this little black duck has no control over who he falls in LOVE with. If you do then bottle the secret and sell it. 'Misombra' you sound like a bitter fool who has nothing to offer but vitriole based on nothing. 'Starbuck' did it seem like I was seeking info on how to leave my wife? If it did you didn't read my post.

Here I will summarise for you all. Met a woman, fell deeply in love, don't want a r'ship with her as i am married with kids, on this we both agree wholeheartedly. We work together. I wanted solutions as to how to deal with that situation. Not how to leave my wife, to have an affair or otherwise. Forget it. As I said we sorted it out and so far it is working.

what did you want us to tell you?

[shh!]

I find it ironic that men never seem to have this kind of "spiritual relationship" with women who are their own age (or older), but always with some younger woman.... but of course it's LOVE, not infatuation.

Anyway, if you want my advice about how to handle these feelings, then I say you should see if you can transfer to a different location if you work for a large company and you don't trust yourself to behave. Otherwise, don't worry... these feelings will diminish on their own after a while unless you continue to feed the beast. It is natural to be attracted to other people over the course of your life - even strong attractions - and this is where self-control and responsibility is supposed to set in.

Oh, and start paying some extra attention to your wife and kids... the spititual kind of attention. Feeling more deeply connected to your own family will help keep things in perspective.

[Dasein]

Otama - I promise I will not jump to judge you.

Would you be able to give me a little more insight into your marriage. What has happened in the last 9 months? How old were you when you got married?

I will be honest, it will be very difficult for you. If you are attracted to her then the feeling will only get stronger. I think it is a slippery slope if you really want to be faithful to your wife.

I am getting concerned over the very black and white judgements on this forum. People make mistakes, people are fallible, people have emotions which sometimes can influence behaviour. Even though this man hasn't cheated not all people who cheat are evil. I know of a few marriages which started as an affair and these people are very decent people in a difficult situation.

I will probably get attacked now myself but I think a little tolerance and an attempt at understanding could be helpful.

[lesa]

When there is a little trouble in marriage almost anyone else seems better to try a relationship with. If I were your wife, I would freely let you go and test that theory. You shouldn't stay with your wife if you don't want her anymore. Your wife deserves to be with someone who wants her. You should go where you really want to go.

[shh!]

I would agree with you lesa, if he didn't have children. It's not about this guy OR his wife anymore... it's about providing stability so those kids can thrive. They are probably quite young, considering they've only been married 2 1/2 years. Which BTW - makes me think that perhaps these feelings for another woman have something to do with the stress of parenting young children.

[ecojeanne]

I will probably get attacked now myself but I think a little tolerance and an attempt at understanding could be helpful.

dasein...i think ur right...my original post was based on what little info he gave us...i did make a judgement thru my rhetorical questions....not all of my questions were rhetorical though....he didnt explain his situation further....so i kinda see why everyone thinks what they do....he didnt really make any effort to explain further...hopefully maybe he will now that uve asked him again

[lewisrs]

Rekindle a failing relationship.
I personally believe you have to try in your marriage. See if you can get the same feeling for your wife that you have for this other girl. I have a website that can give you some advice in this area. This website is amazing. It has over 500 lovemaking secrets, it has tips from oprah's romance expert on how to get more passion, have great sex, and just basically blow your partner away.
http
://lewisrs.
mwebb.
hop.
clickbank.
net
If none of this works and you still have feelings for this other person the go for it. It's not right for you to be in a marriage and not be IN it. It's not fair to your wife and your kids can pick up on that kinda stuff. Thier atmospere affects who they become. You also really have to have a sit down with you wife and just talk.

[Dasein]

dasein...i think ur right...my original post was based on what little info he gave us...i did make a judgement thru my rhetorical questions....not all of my questions were rhetorical though....he didnt explain his situation further....so i kinda see why everyone thinks what they do....he didnt really make any effort to explain further...hopefully maybe he will now that uve asked him again

I understand what you mean and trust me I DO understand why people can jump to the judge. My only point is that maybe we should try to garner a bit more information.

Maybe his wife is an awful human being who systematically makes him miserable...on the other hand she may be nice and he has a wondering eye. Maybe we should try to give the benefit of the doubt.

[bluesummer]

Well the one thing I can say is that it's a good thing you are not going to take this any further, OP. Cheating is wrong, so I salute you for realizing that and honoring your family commitment.

On the other hand, I think you would find that if you stayed completely out of this woman's line of vision, how quickly that 'love' with dissipate.....probably moreso on her end. I suspect that half of your reason for feeling this way for this other woman is discontent with your homelife. If she isn't experiencing the same thing, I can guarantee that in no time she will meet someone else she 'loves' just as much. Personally, I would recommend avoiding contact with her as much as possible. If you had the option to move someplace or location where you weren't working together, that would be ideal.

Bottom line is, the only way to move past it is to be firm and resolute about it. Don't discuss your feelings with her, don't get into any personal situations with her. Draw boundaries and stick to them. I can't give you anymore advice than that. I also think you need to re-examine your relationship with your wife. I know that if I found out my husband was saying or doing such things , it would rip my heart into a million pieces. Even if you haven't done anything physical, emotional cheating is just as devastating, and I'm speaking from experience here.