Can I save my marriage?

[Wakeup]

I guess she expects you two to talk about it when she's in a piss poor mood then? Anyway, don't sweat it tonight. Just get together asap and get it clarified. You've already told her you didn't think she'd do anything to hurt you so she knows whats on your mind and I would think that she would think twice before assuming she has carte blanche open separation at this point.

[oberyn]

What about the rest?

I'm cooked, aren't I?

[Wakeup]

Sorry, You were posting when I replied in post #16. and I've just read about your conversation now.

Well now you know where her head is mainly at which is not on reconcilliation at the point. I'm sorry. I can tell you all kinds of things like don't be her part-time go to guy and just break it off clean etc but we both know that you'll not take any of that advice on board at this point so I'm just going to tell you to have your further conversation with her and then decide from there. Just look after yourself and if she's going to be dating others then don't let yours and her relationship take on a demoted state of "friends." That will whittle away at you slowly but surely and it will stagnate you from moving on. Friendly is one thing.. friends is quite another.

Anyway, you have lots to go over with her (and your separation is fairly new) so that you understand just exactly where her head/thoughts are. I wish you good luck. Keep posting if it helps.

[oberyn]

Sorry, You were posting when I replied in post #16. and I've just read about your conversation now.

Well now you know where her head is mainly at which is not on reconcilliation at the point. I'm sorry. I can tell you all kinds of things like don't be her part-time go to guy and just break it off clean etc but we both know that you'll not take any of that advice on board at this point so I'm just going to tell you to have your further conversation with her and then decide from there. Just look after yourself and if she's going to be dating others then don't let yours and her relationship take on a demoted state of "friends." That will whittle away at you slowly but surely and it will stagnate you from moving on. Friendly is one thing.. friends is quite another.

Anyway, you have lots to go over with her (and your separation is fairly new) so that you understand just exactly where her head/thoughts are. I wish you good luck. Keep posting if it helps.

Friends is something I know I can't be. If it is truly over I am probably going to leave this city. I moved her originally because it's where she went to school and as much as I have some friends here and so on there really is not a real reason for me to be here. I am not freaking out yet. Maybe it doesn't seem real. Maybe because the conversation was to be continued I feel like it's not over yet. I feel too like I still have more to say. I am outraged she is not putting in any effort. I've done nothing wrong, I never hurt her or upset her. We went through some traumatic times of life together and I've always been there for her. I am honestly flabbergasted at this type of attitude. I won't lie, I feel like she owed it to me to try finding a situation in which we could both be happy. To not even try is beyond callous.

I want to find something in that conversation to hold on to hope but I can't see anything.

[VincenzoG91]

Regardless of what she agrees to or implies that she has agreed to, she has mentally and emotionally checked out of your marriage. Whatever her age, she sounds very immature and selfish. Do yourself a favor and consult with a divorce lawyer. This isn't the end of the world, you can get past this, but you may soon regret not getting timely advice about the impending legal issues.

[oberyn]

You would advise giving up any hope at this point, though?

[michelle23]

i would advise that you cut contact and tell her you want all or nothing. since she cant give you all your going to move on with your life.

give her space and time to miss you, to realize what she is losing. she may come back in a few months, she may not. either way the situation right now is unhealthy and its hurting you more.

if you want any chance to get her back-the only way is to act like your moving on, shes lost you and your getting over her and dating again. she may panick and run home when she realizes your not playing her games and your not gonna be her emotional tampon.

[Wakeup]

We're talking about a married couple here, not two teenagers playing games with one another and a marriage is at stake. I don't see how you can repair something if neither of you are working on it TOGETHER.

My suggestion is that you talk to her about her intentions at working at the marriage or has she ended it already and just hasn't told you. I agree that being her go to guy wouldn't be in your best interests, op so don't just be there and take any crumbs she gives you when she's dateless on a Saturday night. If she's willing to work on your marriage but just needs space (without dating others) well then I think it's a good idea to work with her in getting you both back on track. Would she consider seeing a marriage councellor?

[oberyn]

We're talking about a married couple here, not two teenagers playing games with one another and a marriage is at stake. I don't see how you can repair something if neither of you are working on it TOGETHER.

My suggestion is that you talk to her about her intentions at working at the marriage or has she ended it already and just hasn't told you. I agree that being her go to guy wouldn't be in your best interests, op so don't just be there and take any crumbs she gives you when she's dateless on a Saturday night. If she's willing to work on your marriage but just needs space (without dating others) well then I think it's a good idea to work with her in getting you both back on track. Would she consider seeing a marriage councellor?

I don't think so. I am going to try suggesting it but I can't see it going over very well. I think she will deem it too financially costly. I am going to try to talk to her today about what is going on but I think she might have put up a bit of a wall.

[michelle23]

i dont think it matters. shes acting like a teenager and the best way to get someone back is to ignore them no matter what there age.

shes already moved out so anything he does now to try and fix it will just push her further away.

[oberyn]

As of Saturday (or rather Sunday afternoon when I found out) night things got a great deal more complicated. Trying to give any details is pretty upsetting for me so I will just be fast and to the point. She went to a house party, wound up passing out after fewer drinks than she could normally have and then has patchy memories of something terrible happening. We've been to the hospital but it was too late for the tox screen to be effective. The nurse felt her experiences were consistent with having been drugged but having the urine sample taken so long after the incident makes it impossible to prove.

Everything else has become secondary to making sure she is okay. Working things out is on the back burner because, well, I am still the person who knows her best and I think best able to help her right now.

[michelle23]

Im sorry this happened oberyn. I hope youll both be okay

[eauto1212]

I agree with Michelle dude. Don't take it the wrong way but dude grow some $&#% balls. No way in hell my wife is gonna move out and run around like she's a single chick while I want for her to come to her senses. What??? Dude, you need to come to your senses. She's not into you anymore, plain and simple. If I were you, I would get the divorce papers submitted, get a tattoo, join a gym, by some nice clothes and get yourself back on the market. They're women out there that will appreciate a good guy. One day your wife (soon to be ex wife) will realize she made a mistake and will want to rehash things, but it will be too late. I hate to sound like a Debbie downer but, she might even be interested in someone else. If u guys share phone plans, check out the records. Or, hire a PI... U won't like what you'll find.

If I were you, I wouldn't even hold bit against her. Love is a fleeting emotion. Don't wait around being someone's door mat. U deserve to be happy and wanted too.

[eauto1212]

Oh....and by the way. I'm not judging your lovebirds tendencies. I too was love stricken/blinded by loyalty and love, waiting for my wife to come to her senses. It never happened, at least not while we're married. Our divorce finalized a month ago, and one evening she called me reminiscing about the good old times and got off the phone sobbing. Whatever!...when mr. Joe blow hot dog was in the picture, she could give a $&#% about what I was going thru.

Right now, your emotion are in the way and your not seeing straight. But, in time, you will. Just give it time. Keep posting and seeking advice also read about others who are in similar situations.

[searock]

It is over. Don't think that she put no effort in saving your marriage: she has been probably struggling with the decision to break up with you for months, if not years. She was brave to finally do it.

Don't have anymore "cuddle nights", that's what immature people do after a break up... they cling on to the familiarity of their ex relationship. It doesn't mean that she wants to get back together with you. On the other hand, the fact that she doesn't want to get back together with you doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you and your wellbeing (a lot of persons who get dumped can't seem to separate the two concepts).

You should make the break up official (no point in setting temporary boundaries if she has no plans to get back together with you), get a divorce, move on. Don't even try to "stay friends" with her.