Why's it so hard for him to explain his perspective or elaborate?

[michelle21689]

No...those are just examples. It's hard for him to elaborate on his perspective/opinion on things like his thoughts on spiritual/religious beliefs, relationships, cheating, a movie, etc. I mean he'll give like a couple sentences on how he feels. Think of it this way, if I were to interview him...what he says wouldn't be enough lol. He's definitely not stupid, I'm not attracted to dummies. He was top student of his class and always teaches me new things. He likes learning new things.He does better teaching me by showing than telling though (of course)

We talked for an hour tonight and he did a lot of talking about inviting me out for Fourth of July, his company.. he can talk about THINGS but not his perspective and views.

[MerryH]

No, I don't think it's that.

I don't think it means we don't have a lot in common.

I don't know why everyone makes it seem like men are incapable of expressing their thoughts and opinions.

No...those are just examples.

Are you this argumentative with him, too? Do you shoot down his opinions like you've done to basically every reply you've gotten in this thread? If so, that's the problem right there.

Why do you ask questions if you already know what the answer should be?

[michelle21689]

What makes you think I'm trying to argue? I'm just letting those know that when they mention that it's because of this or that that it's not because of my experience. It's the same as if you had a problem with your car and someone says, "Maybe it's the gas tank.." and I'd say something like, "No, I checked already. It's not that." lol

I mean I don't think it could be him being stupid, us having nothing in common, or him being bored because what I mentioned before. He told me flat out he likes being on the phone with me, and we have a similar view/interests, and he has an avg IQ haha.

And when I said "I don't know why people make it seem liek men are incapable of expressing feelings" I'm just stating that and want someone to explain to me why they think this. Maybe I should've worded it differently? Because I don't understand it honestly when most men I've had conversations with aren't like that.

[MerryH]

I don't think you're trying to start an argument, exactly, but the constant "no's" can put people off from even engaging with you. If you don't respect the opinions of others (I'm talking about your boyfriend here, not the internet, because who cares.) then people are eventually going to stop voicing their opinions to you.

You sure you don't do the constant "no" thing with your boyfriend? Since you did it so consistently here, I'm wondering if you are like this with others.

Example:

"What do you think about the death penalty?"
"Well. I think that it's wrong because Jesus said something."
"Actually, no, Jesus never said that."
"Oh."

Conversation over.

[michelle21689]

Hm, if it is then I'll watch myself next time to see if that's what I'm doing. But I'm just afraid that him not being able to elaborate his perspective would mean we're more likely to fail in a relationship. He's not my boyfriend yet...I'll be gone for a month in a couple weeks but he has told me all these activities he wants us to do together and even invited me to his company party when I get back. So I know that he plans on seeing me still...So no official title yet and I want to talk about that when I come back because by then we'd be seeing each other for like 5 months.

But the whole conversation/point of view thing gets me to wonder if we'd make it long term as bf/gf. We're so compatible in our views, lifestyle, character, he makes me laugh, we're attracted to each other, there is a spark.. but the only flaw I see is the whole him not being able to elaborate. Elaborating gives me insight to the mind...better understanding...which means deep conversation. I would hate to break up with him over this, I don't want to let him go. You know how hard it is to find a good catch and feel a spark!? haha

It's funny, my last ex and I dated for 5 1/2 years. We weren't too compatible in our personality but he was able to go on forever and ever...talked a little too much. This guy is opposite...we're very compatible yet he can't ramble on a little bit.

I don't know if i mentioned this before..but he can talk about things while I listen, just not his thoughts. He'll tell me his opinion...but doesn't know how to go on and on about it.

I really want things to work out with him though.

I don't know if maybe I'm looking wayyy into this just because I like him and it's not really a big deal but I'm making it. lol

[MaidenMinx]

OK here's an out of the ballpark idea for you.... maybe he simply isn't able to talk about things that don't interest him 100%. Maybe he has trouble expressing opinions before he has thought them through properly.

It sounds to me like he's rather aloof and you are a bit of an interrogator. This is not a bad thing if you can see it for what it is. Read the Celestine Prophecy, or atleast the chapter on energy struggles.

OR here's another possibility, he may fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, somewhere near aspergers maybe, which means that he would actually have a neurological impairment that makes it very hard to talk about things that don't interest him.

All food for thought.

[MerryH]

OK here's an out of the ballpark idea for you.... maybe he simply isn't able to talk about things that don't interest him 100%. Maybe he has trouble expressing opinions before he has thought them through properly.

It sounds to me like he's rather aloof and you are a bit of an interrogator. This is not a bad thing if you can see it for what it is. Read the Celestine Prophecy, or atleast the chapter on energy struggles.

OR here's another possibility, he may fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, somewhere near aspergers maybe, which means that he would actually have a neurological impairment that makes it very hard to talk about things that don't interest him.

All food for thought.

No, it's not that.

[MerryH]

Just kidding.

[michelle21689]

LoL but I'm serioussssss... =( Merry H, what do you think about what I just said in my last post? Do you guys think that this is normal in a relationship when it comes to conversation or is this a red flag? Is there any way to help him bring out more thought and opinion? He tells me he wishes he could and he tries but then gets frustrated and apologizes for not knowing how to put into words his opinion on why he feels that way. I help him out sometimes but giving him like "examples" or questions he can answer to to help me understand. hehe.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok, here's some seriousness for you. All of my following advice comes from researching Autism since my son was diagnosed with it. Please bare with me. This is going to be quite a post.

Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning no 2 people with Autism will have exactly the same symptoms or issues, but to be diagnosed you must meet a certain criteria level. For Autism specifically you must have issues with 3 key areas, social interaction, communication and restrictive interests. Technically EVERY body is somewhere on the spectrum, those who aren't diagnosed don't fit into all 3 key areas. What causes Autism is unknown but what is known is that Autistic brains are wired differently and are often born without the instinct necessary for conversation and socialisation.

Now in the 2 years since my son was diagnosed I have been seeing autistic traits in everybody. The advantage of this has been it has made me more accepting.

It sounds to me like this guy actually CAN NOT voice his opinions. The fact that he has taught you things by showing you rather than telling you backs this up in my mind. He is quite possibly a visual thinker and is only good at saying things he is practised at expressing. Hence talking about things (facts and knowledge) rather than opinions.

This is not a red flag issue, necessarily. If you are happy to have those conversations with others that is fine. My finace and I can barely shut each other up most of the time, as soon as I try to talk about anything spiritual he tunes out. That's fine by me, I just jump on any opportunity I get to debate with others about spirituality.

[MerryH]

I don't think it should be a red flag. If you like everything else about him, then enjoy that. I mean, is it a deal-breaker that he won't talk about these things with you? If so, that's a little weird, but okay, just find someone else.

[michelle21689]

Funny thing is, is we talk a couple hours almost every night. I guess I just have to accept that...and continue helping him come out with his opinion. As long as I feel happy with him and have feelings I'm sticking with him.

[surfhb]

Another female thinking too much.

He's a guy....we dont think too deeply about some issues. Give a guy a break I can almost 100% guarantee he's not interested or has no opinion on that particular subject matter.

Is it in the way of your relationship? If you think you can find the perfect guy (a mix between this and your last) ---good luck!

[DarkHelmet82]

is it that big of a deal?

[michelle21689]

It wasn't in the way of our "relationship" until a couple days ago when I started thinking about it. I guess I'm sort of making it a deal when that's what I'm trying to avoid, lol. If I found a guy that's personality is between my ex and this guy I'd probably marry him in a heartbeat, LOL.

This guy has everything my ex lacked and my ex has everything this guy lacked. Both are very good guys though Even though there were some issues with my ex I was really in love with him and I accepted him.

I guess I'll continue trying to see how he feels with whatever response he gives me, hehe.