why is he lying?

[sweetest]

@ rafterman

yes he is a liar, and i've told him so.

I've not seen my new friend and won't go out of my way to see him either.

thanks for your reply

[rafterman]

@ rafterman

yes he is a liar, and i've told him so.

I've not seen my new friend and won't go out of my way to see him either.

thanks for your reply

Hope it works out.....*sighs*

[leoben]

He's lying because he wants to appear strong to try and win you back. Admitting to the affair would be a submissive move and put him in a weak position.

I believe that there are those who are inclined to stray - my husband is one such person, add to this a woman who actively pursued him and flirted openly with him without an ounce of shame, and the accessibility of fb/similiar = shed loads of opportunity = affair. Yes he was willing, of course he was, and he was nothing more than an idiot for going along with it.

You are making excuses for his behavior by shifting the blame onto the other woman. He is an adult and did not “go along with it”, he made the choice just as much as she did.

I know it's hard to admit we might still want someone who did something this horrible to us, but you wouldn't be rationalizing his behavior if you didn't still want him. You would be on your way to file for divorce instead.

His strategy seems to be working.

[maxmax]

Because he is delusional.

[sweetest]

He's lying because he wants to appear strong to try and win you back. Admitting to the affair would be a submissive move and put him in a weak position.


You are making excuses for his behavior by shifting the blame onto the other woman. He is an adult and did not �go along with it�, he made the choice just as much as she did.

I know it's hard to admit we might still want someone who did something this horrible to us, but you wouldn't be rationalizing his behavior if you didn't still want him. You would be on your way to file for divorce instead.

His strategy seems to be working.

I've said that he had the choice and that he was willing.

the woman did actively pursue him, (i pretended to be him online), and know what she said. She really didn't have a clue that it was me, it made me laugh. Also, i heard what she said to him. She begged him to go with her, it was embarrassing.

He is, I believe, one of those who is inclined to stray, as is she. She had had an affair before, that guy was married with a child too. (her husband told me this), he also said 'she lies her way out of it every time'.

From what I saw and got to know, i'd say that she and my husband had been as bad as one another in terms of driving their affair. However, from a female point of view i think that she was particularly forward. From my own experience i know that i wouldn't and have never behaved in such a way towards a guy. May be that's just me.

Of course I didn't want to think that my husband was having an affair. However, i did what it took to find out; knowing the truth despite my hurting was better than living a lie. It was unbelievably hard, the pain i felt was at times just too awful to bare.

I know what happened, as does he. He'd be very foolish if he thinks he's fooled me in some way.

It has taken a long time for me not to want him. I had loved him for so long and we were very close. But I don't want him now, i know that because when i see him i feel nothing. There's nothing left. Although he appears to be having difficulty accepting this, deep down he knows.

[IndiReloaded]

Marriage problems never happen in a vacuum. Ever. Tho sometimes, the only real problem is that one of the partners engages in 'willful blindness'. I suspect your husband has always been a jerk and you probably looked the other way, for reasons of your own when you decided to marry him.

In any case, its now clear you two are not compatible. I suspect you probably never really were. Your posts do have something of a 'victim' tone to them. That in no way excuses him. It seems you are on your way to finding your self-respect and backbone, so kudos to you. I wish you and your children well. I wish your husband hit by a bus. Check that his insurance policy is up to date.

[IndiReloaded]

He's lying because he wants to appear strong to try and win you back. Admitting to the affair would be a submissive move and put him in a weak position.


You are making excuses for his behavior by shifting the blame onto the other woman. He is an adult and did not “go along with it”, he made the choice just as much as she did.

I know it's hard to admit we might still want someone who did something this horrible to us, but you wouldn't be rationalizing his behavior if you didn't still want him. You would be on your way to file for divorce instead.

His strategy seems to be working.

This^. If you stay with him, you deserve exactly what you get.

[sweetest]

I'm not sure how his lying enables him to feel or appear stronger. He has lied for no reason other than to protect himself, that shows weakness to my mind.

I wasn't going to draw to any decision based upon what i'm supposed to do or do what others might do or expect. I also wasn't going to be swayed by whether he was sorry or remorseful.

The affair didn't happen yesterday, it started during February and I found out at the beginning of March. I tipped him out two days afterwards.

I haven't and don't feel that I want or need to punsih him in any way either.

I am now at that place where i know that i don't want him. I don't love him anymore. It's as simple as that.

[rafterman]

Some people just cannot see the forest, for the trees.

[sweetest]

i've been reading quite a lot about EMA recently, interesting stuff.

I was shocked to read that 60% of married men and 40% of married women have had at least one affair.

In the majority of cases the faithful partner never gets to know. I was in the minority, i sensed that there was something wrong, my husband just wasn't the same, and I was right. I can only gather that most don't get to know the truth because either 1. they don't notice that their husband/wife is up to something/that they don't appear to be the same OR 2. they turn a blind eye to it. In either case not finding out might suggest in itself that there's something drastically wrong within the marriage. Unless of course the cheating spouse is especially devious and/or well practised. Needless to say such affairs are started, continued and ended without the faithful partner knowing anything at all, the marriage continues and he'she is never any the wiser.

I have also read that many marriages do in fact survive an affair. There are the ones who never know as i explained earlier and the ones who do get to know and decide to work things out, to forgive and repair their marriage.

In most cases the cheating partner does not go looking for an affair. Most say that they still love their wife/husband, and that they never intended to leave the marriage. This is especially true when it is a married man who is unfaithful. This might explain why the web is littered with posts by 'other women' who are left high and dry after their lovers refuse to leave their wife and family.

If someone had told me a year ago that my husband would have an affair i wouldn't have believed them. I never questioned trusting him at all, it was never an issue. Had someone managed to convince me (which would've been very unlikely) i would've said that i want nothing to do with him, that I would tip him out and throw away the key. How wrong i would've been.

[IndiReloaded]

Marriage problems never happen in a vacuum. Ever.

Your posts do have something of a 'victim' tone to them.

I knew it. Here comes the excuses for him. You married him b/c you are afraid to be alone. You'd rather be with a cheating dirtbag. Did you read the statistics on married cheaters and their likelihood of doing it again?

Well, good luck w/the whole martyr thing. I hope for your kids sake you don't end up with an untreatable STI.

[rafterman]

i knew it. Here comes the excuses for him. You married him b/c you are afraid to be alone. You'd rather be with a cheating dirtbag. Did you read the statistics on married cheaters and their likelihood of doing it again?

Well, good luck w/the whole martyr thing. I hope for your kids sake you don't end up with an untreatable sti.

ouch
_____________

[sweetest]

I knew it. Here comes the excuses for him. You married him b/c you are afraid to be alone. You'd rather be with a cheating dirtbag. Did you read the statistics on married cheaters and their likelihood of doing it again?

Well, good luck w/the whole martyr thing. I hope for your kids sake you don't end up with an untreatable STI.

There are no excuses, he's done wrong.

I read quite a lot, including some statistics. I've condensed it.

We married because we wanted to, we lived together for many years before and didn't rush in to it by any means. I lived alone for many years

I won't be hateful or bitter, it would make no difference whatsoever other than be no good for me. I'm not going to end up bitter and cynical, no way.

no sti's, i'm clear, been checked out. but thanks for the advice

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure how his lying enables him to feel or appear stronger. He has lied for no reason other than to protect himself, that shows weakness to my mind.

And, that is the very reason why (if I were you) I would never think about reconciling with someone like him. When you forgive a man that won't even admit that what he did was wrong, it means he has NO remorse and he will likely do it again as soon as the storm subsides and he has the opportunity.

I may consider trying to work things out with a man who admits it and is remorseful but someone who won't even admit it and is forgiven by his spouse has just been shown that all he has to do is lie and it will all go away.

I won't be hateful or bitter, it would make no difference whatsoever other than be no good for me. I'm not going to end up bitter and cynical, no way.

I think that's a good attitude to have.

[sweetest]

@ wakeup

He has said many times that what he did was wrong.

He has told me that he is sorry too many times to mention. He has said that it was his fault, that he had been an idiot (his words), and that he wishes he hadn't done it, that he would turn the clock back if he could. He has also said that he would never do anything like that again.

He ended the relationship with the other woman and stopped all contact with her months ago. He stopped her from contacting him by changing his mobile number and by finding a new job.

He has stopped her from continuing to contact him or me. After he ended it, she continued to try to contact him or me by coming to my home and going to his workplace (where he worked before). He went to see her husband and contacted him each time she turned up. She stopped it then.

What he hasn't done is told me about the nature of the relationship; was it emotional/physical. I have thought that he wouldn't tell me becaue he was trying to protect himself, but i may be wrong.