Help...is this relationship doomed?

[Rosebud]

Poeple who have had traumatic experiences happen to them are not freaky or crazy they are emotionally distressed and scared. If they are able to have sex or emotional closeness with someone it's usually focused on one person that they know they trust! There are excpetions in this regard but for the most part, they don't openly give themselves to several people. It can take many years to overcome what has happened to them and some open up down the road and some don't.

And like I said earlier, it hink your right that they are close to one another because they get everything they need from one another. She probably isn't emotional to you becasue of all this. Because of what happened to her and she is only giving HERSELF to the one person she knows won't hurt her. Not saying you would, just relationships don't always last and she's well aware of that no matter how happy she is.

[river1731]

Hi Rosebud. Thank you for your very insightful and helpful feedback. Do you think you'd be able to have the types of friendships you've had in the past while in your serious relationship? Or would those friendships create problems with your significant other? What does putting more "effort" into your serious relationship look like for you, and why is it so important for this relationship?

No, I haven't expressed these feelings to her in a positive way. I did have a brief outburst about one week ago where I mentioned that it seemed Dianne came first, and me second.

Whoops.....Christine just entered the room....gotta run!!

I personally have had the same closeness as you describe with some friends of mine in the past. As of now, I do not and I'm in a serious relationship. I put more effort into my relationship than I do making sure I call my girl friends every day! I'm saying it is normal for her to be this close with her friend, but it seems as though she is in a comfort relationship with you. Whatever she doesn't get from her friend, she gets from you with the exception of a few things.

On that note, have you expressed all these feelings to her? Not about her spending so much time with Dianne but how her attention is directed away from you? Iw ouldn't give her an ultimatum on the friend situation because that's a fire waiting to explode! But i would definetly express your concern for her lack of attention unto you, and how you feel your not her SO. If you come off attacking Diane int eh situation she will resent you and that will push her away, you have to address it as though it's what's going on between you and her only!

[Rosebud]

LOL... Understandable! Well that outburst I imagine didn't get you anywhere because you attacked her comfort zone! I think you should sit down with her and positive conversation about this, again not mentioning anything about Dianne. Mention your feelings you have from what she does/doesn't do to you. Kepp her firend out of it..for now!

Hmm, well I think I could have those friendships while in my relationship but I am in a differnet level in my life then they are now. We have a child together and my priorities are not making it to the "hottest party" but to my child and teh family we have created. Well, putting more effort into my relationship means that I adjust to my families priorites. I adjust to my SO's schedule, because of his hours I make sure he sees our daughter instead of us going somewhere (which is when most of my friends are available).

Now I do call my friends from time to time and vice versa. I'm nowhere near as close as what I used to be with most of them but that is because again..I have differnet priorites. Now when we didn't have our child, that was differnet. I was always on my phone talking to my friends with him or not but I also designated time for both. I would have "our" time and then my friends time, and sometimes it was all togehter! But that never stopped me from being emotionally attached to my SO.

[river1731]

Thanks again Rosebud. Just a few more questions. When you mention that you were always on the phone talking to your friends when you didn't have your kid, did you ever have just one friend who you devoted about 90% of your female friendship energies towards? Or did you have a whole assortment of friends who you devoted pretty well an equal amount of time to? Christine has a wide range of friends, but for the past year, she has, in my estimates, been giving 90% of her time and energy to Dianne. And in all fairness, she is well aware of setting aside "our" time for she and I do something, but this time is bereft of any significant emotional discussion. Fine, she spends the time with me, but the conversation is very surface oriented and a little bit stilted. To tell you the truth I feel that my jokes and sense of humour go unappreciated around her, and I feel challenged in talking to her about anything of significance. Once in a while we get on a role talking about some larger worldly issue, but these times are few and far between. I am almost of the opinion that I've let this relationship get out of hand and last longer than it should have, only I ended up procrastinating and dragging it out, being a little afraid to take action and split it up. One of the big deterrents to initiating a split is: 1) Her value system is very similar to mine (ie: she likes nature and the outdoors, and is environmentally minded); and 2) The relationship, despite its big shortages of key things like affection, communication, and sexual interaction, is in some bizarre way comforting. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one who is codependent upon Christine. Does is sound like to you that I have codependency issues taking place? What exactly is a "comfort relationship"? (which you mentioned in an earlier post); and 3) For all the faults, the big plus is the fact that Christine seems to accept me no matter what I do or don't do, but whether this is good or bad remains to be seen. Is her acceptance merely a sign that she really doesn't invest herself in my life, and the appearance of unconditional acceptance is merely a byproduct of not taking a direct interest in me?

One of the good signs in this confusing situation is the fact that I am now beginning to feel a natural urge and impulse to simply communicate my true feelings to her whenever they may happen to crop up. And this would be relatively new for me. In the past, I think I've been loathe to put my feelings out there for fear of what they might make someone do or think, but now I see the huge advantage in doing so. Not only do I get to voice my concerns, but her reactions to them will be the proof in the pudding for how she truly feels about me, and whether she has what it takes to participate in a long term serious relationship.

I'd love to hear your responses to my questions at the beginning of this thread, and if anyone else has any words of wisdom for me, I could really use them. Thank you all. I am learning a lot!!

[misombra]

i'd still like to know if you've spoken to her about this?

[Rosebud]

He answered that Sombra... he said he hasn't talked to her about it yet but had a little outburst about Dianne getting more attention.

And yes I had several friends that I talked to but only one that i was on the phone with 95% of the time if not in person.

No I don't think your co-dependent in any way. If you were you'd be making excuses for actions and accepting them, your not! You may be enabling a little by not telling her how you feel but I don't see how in any other way you could be helping her do this unless your not putting forth an effort to get the things you lack in this relationship. A comfort Zone is where you stay close to something and don't move to far away for fear of what might happen. So in this case your comfortbale for her because she knows you even though she may not be happy. Make sense? It's like moving 2 blocks down from your parents house when you move out..you have freedom and have a house but your right down the street if something happens.

And you have to understand you may not have found this "accepting factor" from other relationships in the past but there are a lot of people out there who do accpet you fro who you are. The main things your missing in this relationship are the ones it takes to Hold a relationship. Even though there are other things you admire and hold close, you need all those things to complete the deal, if you will. I don't think her accepting you is merely just to please you..again if someone is not accepting of another they are hung up on themselves and their opinons of others too much to listen to anyone but themselves.

Communcation is key in all relationships..whether friendly or romantic. If you don't express yourslef the other person will never truly know you or understand where you come from, not to mention it won't help you fix anything and figure out why things happen in the relationship. I'll re-read some of the above posts and see if there's anything else I can add.

[Rosebud]

OK, for one thing how long has she known Dianne? Did they meet while you two were dating or prior to your relationship?

When you say intimiate communcation what is it your looking for? Is it about anything that involves both of you? Because it sounds like the whole communcation factor is lacking. Which is not healthy at all. Has your relationship always been like this? Becasue you say you have been trying to figure out what she wants from the beginning? I know she doesn't talk much but have you ever actually asked her what she wants out of this relationship?

With all these things here I don't see things changing in the near future. It will help you in the long run to still talk to her about all this and get your feelings on the table. You should not be afraid of what might be said as they are your feelings and you have a right to express them.

You had said your willing to look past the sexual connection and deal with that, well how much more are you willing to deal with that you need and she's unwilling to give you? You can't set everything aside thinking it's no big deal when in reality it is and in the future it will become more of an issue to you as other things change.

[Mish]

I would take to heart the advises of female members on this thread river1731, to have a long conversation with your SO, to let her know how you feel, what bothers you and where you think your relationship is headed in general. Assume not a position of an attacker, but a similar position you have taken on this thread, of a concerned partner who feels mistreated in a way and is on a verge of exhausting all avenues.

No need for ultimatums, but the feeling should be, of how long should you be recieving this lack of warmth and intimacy...

[Hugo Pickle]

What I mean by subtle traits are things like personal contact that sometimes they don’t even think other people see. Like flipping each others hair or fixing each others makeup (ie if some lipstick is over the edge) instead of just telling the other person that their lipstick is over the edge or their hair is sticking up. Do they always seem to dress sexy now together. Like one will wear an all black sexy dress suit with only a bra underneath and the other one will wear a pink suit with a black ribbon on the front and maybe black lipstick. Things like that. Coordinating things together and then acting like it wasn’t planned, or timing certain events together and just making like it is a coincidence.

Then sometimes acting like your not even there in public. Like if your in a restaurant they will walk in together and pick a seat like 10 steps in front of you and both sit together. Things like that. If it is like that then that’s why I say you are doomed. But you know, like my first advice here, this sounds very “deep” and I don’t go for that kind of crap. I do recommend talking to a real therapist. Things like this are things where you actually have to be there. But honestly the few times I have been around people like that for an extended period of time, I just go with the flow and then later do what I want. Eventually they don’t give in to your wants and you get tired of freely giving them what they say they desperately need.

You female members are not reading his posts. He has talked with her. Damn you keep telling him to talk to her. What the hell, how many times does he need to tell her the same thing over and over. I love how the women on this forum always act as if the woman is never in the wrong. Once again not one of you women said anything like “yeah she is doing you wrong man.” I would like just one of you women to admit that she is doing him wrong. But that will never happen. You just tell guys to “talk” “be more companionate” “understand that she is going through something” that’s all bullshit. People usually post on here because they have tried all that, and they are at their wits end.

You women don’t understand that talking to this woman isn’t working. That’s why he posted here in the first place. Wow, brilliant advice to tell someone to talk to their sig-other as if people never talk. So what other brilliant advice do you have, Buy her a present, be more kind to her, reward her for ignoring you and hanging out with her friend. Yeah right.

I don’t think she respects you, otherwise she would not treat you that way. I doubt any woman on this forum will say that even though it is the truth. They will say “oh she respects you” “She is just going through something and you need to be more understanding” Yeah, she is going through a selfish *****, me me me “phase” and you need to “understand” that the more you accept it and be “accommodating” then the worse it will get. Her “phase” is disrespecting and hurtful to you, and utterly selfish for her, **** that shit. Normally I would say don’t put up with it, let her go and go see someone else. But in this case you mentioned serious personal problems, so I recommend talking to a professional. You might be surprised what one would say.

[Rosebud]

[QUOTE]

Damn you keep telling him to talk to her. What the hell, how many times does he need to tell her the same thing over and over. I love how the women on this forum always act as if the woman is never in the wrong. Once again not one of you women said anything like “yeah she is doing you wrong man.” I would like just one of you women to admit that she is doing him wrong. But that will never happen. You just tell guys to “talk” “be more companionate” “understand that she is going through something” that’s all bullshit. People usually post on here because they have tried all that, and they are at their wits end.

Ok your really getting on my nerves Hugo! If you would actually read my posts you would see I never said she was in the right because she's not. I'm answering his questions about why she's doing what she's doing. Stop bashing woman on this forum for the third and last time. And he hasn't talked to her... He blew up at her. IF you want positive communication you have to approach people differnetly. he doesn't know why she's acting this way, if you want to fix something you first have to KNOW what the problem is instead of assuming. You have never had a healthy relationship so you have no grounds to tell him what is right or wrong so back off.

And I wish people posted on here after they have tried everything but they haven't read some more posts on here before YOU ASSUME.

You women don’t understand that talking to this woman isn’t working. That’s why he posted here in the first place

.

Read his posts again!

[QUOTE]Wow, brilliant advice to tell someone to talk to their sig-other as if people never talk. QUOTE]

He stated they never talk... I told him to talk to her but even with that most likely things will never change and he has to do what is right for him.

I

doubt any woman on this forum will say that even though it is the truth. They will say “oh she respects you” “She is just going through something and you need to be more understanding” Yeah, she is going through a selfish *****, me me me “phase” and you need to “understand” that the more you accept it and be “accommodating” then the worse it will get.

She is not going through a phase. Again re read this whole thread and realize your in the wrong! If you don't like the advice I give don't read it, but stop bashing me for what I'm saying when I have had experience with all this kind of stuff and you haven't.

[Mish]

You female members are not reading his posts. He has talked with her. Damn you keep telling him to talk to her. What the hell, how many times does he need to tell her the same thing over and over. I love how the women on this forum always act as if the woman is never in the wrong. Once again not one of you women said anything like “yeah she is doing you wrong man.” I would like just one of you women to admit that she is doing him wrong. But that will never happen. You just tell guys to “talk” “be more companionate” “understand that she is going through something” that’s all bullshit. People usually post on here because they have tried all that, and they are at their wits end.

You women don’t understand that talking to this woman isn’t working. That’s why he posted here in the first place. Wow, brilliant advice to tell someone to talk to their sig-other as if people never talk. So what other brilliant advice do you have, Buy her a present, be more kind to her, reward her for ignoring you and hanging out with her friend. Yeah right.

Actually Hugo Pickle, if you had read ALL of his posts on this thread, you would have realized that NO, he has not talked to her about his feelings, the points that bother him and where he sees this relationship in the future if she carries on this way. And yes, her response to that conversation is paramount to any success in this particular relationship.

Ofcourse, people talk all the time, but we are not talking about conversations about puppies or Disney Land here, we are talking about a conversation that lays everything on the table.

As for my advice for you Hugo Pickle, I would suggest to stop overgeneralizing people. Any personal vendettas you may have against a certain type of women is best left as that (personal)

[Rosebud]

Thanks Mish! Nice knowing somebody agrees with me!

[Mish]

I always agree with you Rosie, even when we Argue

It looks like we Pickled him

Rosie and I, we Rock!!!

[Rosebud]

I agree Mish! Even when we argue we really do agree for the most part....we just explain differently

yes I think we do Rock!!!!

[Hugo Pickle]

Whatever sweet pea, you keep living in your dream world. And don’t send me private messages. I have been with women like that, it should be obvious since I am the only guy who even had the balls to post anything about it.

I have had healthy relationships and like I have to tell apparently all the women on here, if I wanted your opinion on my personal life I would ask you. Since I didn’t ask you about my life, then don’t private message me and then tell me what you think about my life.

I don’t post about the questions that you have asked on here. I post about questions that others have asked, not you. And trust me, just like the other posts you have made about your personal life, you don't see me posting there do you. Do you want to know why? Because I don’t care to talk to you about your life or mine.

So as far as further posts on here goes why don’t you just ignore me and I will ignore you. I will say what I want to say, don't tell me to shut up. You arrogant, know it all women make me laugh.

When was the last time you dated a woman who has been rapped? Never. Even if you did, what the hell makes you think that whatever you did in that relationship is what a man should follow in his. So yeah don’t message me anymore.