She wants to a future , shoud i dump or not ?

[Late_vamp]

no , i said i did not SEE a future together , i never said i coulnt HAVE a future with her , we both have known since the beginning (even before being serious in the relationship) that it would be a very hard path for both of us .

religion is not a big issue in our relationship ... hopefully it wont be an issue ever , i WAS christian , then i converted to Islam , now all thats missing is becoming an Ismaili , that will be the hardest part in terms of religion and also to keep practicing the religion .

ps : IF i ever did NOT want to be with her anymore , she woulnt find out , even if she's extremely good at picking up ppl's vibe ( like when i think about something and i stay quiet , she knows what im thinking about...no really ) .

[aripres]

Speaking form experience relationships where the parents don't approve hardley ever work out. But I think it all depends on how much in love you are. The fact that you don't trust her like you do tells me that it's more in your head that in your heart. But then agian I don't really know you or her. I'm just going off what you said in your post.

[Late_vamp]

Speaking form experience relationships where the parents don't approve hardley ever work out. But I think it all depends on how much in love you are. The fact that you don't trust her like you do tells me that it's more in your head that in your heart. But then agian I don't really know you or her. I'm just going off what you said in your post.

well , its not that her parents disagree , her father doesnt know yet , BUT her father would most probably disagree even if i was perfect , just the fact that im not from her country and he woulnt like it , her cousins married guys that were good financially , good BF and good overall ppl and just because they werent from his country , he hated their marriage . her mother is fine with it but she doesnt like the fact that im not completely from their religion yet , she says that when i will convert she will want to meet me or at least talk to me , her youngest brother doesnt mind very much , all her sisters are fine with it but they also dont like the fact that im not completely from their religion

( i AM muslim , they are also but they are from a different group , all i have to do is to follow their ways now , it sounds simple but it will be extremely hard , try to memorise prayers that are not from your language and try to recite them fast and with little or no errors , they last about 5 mins each and there are many of them)

ohh well , the one who gets to choose isnt them , its her and me , we are old enough to be able to tell to some point what we want , i know we are both still young but i know what i DONT want and thats for sure , that goes for both of us .

actually , i DO admit that its more in my head the whole trust issue , i also have reasons to think this but they are slight things , she has more reason to think that i cheat but she rarely makes something out of it , why ? because she trusts me . but if you think about it , in EVERY relationship someone can cheat , its just something that you have to realize and you have to put some trust into it .

i said it before , i have trust issues , i have gotten betrayed lots of times by lots of ppl . all of that made me think in this way .

[Junket]

You know what what's best for you.

So just do it.

[aripres]

I really hope that you didn't change your religion for her or to hopefully be accepted by her parents. At this point you two need to deciede how serious yall are about each other. Either you come clean to her parents and say we love each other and want to be together adn take the chance that her parents will kick her out (I'm assuming by the description of your relationship she lives with them) and make sure she has some where else to live or you end it.

[Late_vamp]

I really hope that you didn't change your religion for her or to hopefully be accepted by her parents. At this point you two need to deciede how serious yall are about each other. Either you come clean to her parents and say we love each other and want to be together adn take the chance that her parents will kick her out (I'm assuming by the description of your relationship she lives with them) and make sure she has some where else to live or you end it.

no i did not change religions for her , i was already thinking of changing about 3 months before meeting her , then she came along , i was always shoot down by ppl when i told them i might change to Islam , they laughed and said stupid ignorant things for example : ohh great , join the turbans ... go for terrorist ...
usual shit like that . she gave me more motivation to look more into this religion , after having made some researches and talking with muslim ppl , i converted and surprised her . if it woulnt have been for her , i probably never would have converted because i wouldnt of have had enough support .

what do you mean come clean , what ? you think this is some sort of teenage high school afternoon special date ? wtf ... you should try reading ALL before posting ,

her family knows , the only one that doesnt is her father , and if he knows he will either

- lock her inside the house until after months probably a year .
-make her go back to Afghanistan to some family (wich she hasnt been since she was 1 y old)
-Force her to marry so random afghan guy
-he would probably kill her in a moment of blind rage


if im in the room at the moment , he WOULD kill me and her most probably , he HAS killed before , he is old and crazy , he doesnt have much to lose (he did what he had to do) and the man has guts .

what take the chance ? they would completely kick her out and with a beating on top of things maybe even death . why tell her family now ? whats the point ? its only more problems , we will do that after we have spent some more time in the relationship .

1st reason
we wont say that if we arent ready for marriage

then
-we have to be somewhat capable to live both of us together and to be stable
-that means , finish our studies (college is what we are aiming for) or at least find a good job that we have had for at least a year or so .
-have more experience in our relationship , we havent even been together for 6 months .
-also , we both find that we are a bit too young to move out and get married right away , we both agree that in abot 2-3 years from now we should be set enough to be able to have a succesfull marriage and to go off to live together , probably in another city because she might get "banned" from her family and we woulnt like to be around them or to bump with them in the street .

[aripres]

I think you just pretty much answered your own questions. You want some one to tell you wether or not you should stay with her but you already know what you want to do. And I have read your posts.

You said that her dad was in a war and killed soliders in war. That is totally different than killing his own daughter. I understand that you are saying that he is crazy and all but just because he killed soldiers in a war doesn't mean that it would be that easy for him to kill his own daughter. I know plenty of guys that have been to Iraq and killed people but they couldn't just kill someone over here because they pissed them off.

All I'm saying is that you guys are old enough to make your own decisions and hiding your relationship when you are alteast 18 years old doesn't make sense. It's just not mature on either of your parts. Why not go your seperate ways until you are stable enough to be in a real relationship and not have to hide it.

You asked for advice don't get mad when people don't tell you what you want to hear.

[vashti]

Everytime I think of this girl's family being lied to, I think of stories like this:

[url]http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/pakistan.honor.ap/[/url]

(Of course I am aware that cases like these are exceptions.)

[aripres]

If that kind of thing is what you are affriad will happen to her when her father finds out about you; and you two are not yet perpared to make a real life together (get married or atleast live together so her father can't get to her). Then I think it's your duty to call it off with her at least until you two are ready for marriage.

[Junket]

Most people come here asking questions they've already made up their minds to.

It's no different with us regulars.

[vashti]

Ain't that the truth.

[aripres]

I agree there but when people don't tell you what you want to hear you shouldn't get mad. After all this is an advice forum.

[Late_vamp]

im not mad at all , i came looking for advice , i got something that made me think (wich is the point) if you just give me an instruction manual , i woulnt follow it because after all , Im the one that knows more about the situation and about how both her and I feel.


but ppl keep asking questions , seriously i had my answer since page 1 .
i just keep answering questions , then you guys read this and you think i came here with my mind closed off .

it was nothing with what i wanted to hear ... i did not need reasurrance , all i needed were different perspectives , or what you would do type of things ... ideas ... not a walkthrough .

now to answer more questions

ok .

>>>>If that kind of thing is what you are affriad will happen to her when her father finds out about you; and you two are not yet perpared to make a real life together (get married or atleast live together so her father can't get to her). Then I think it's your duty to call it off with her at least until you two are ready for marriage.<<<

see we could do that , but we wont , why ? because its just smarter to not having to pay rent or food for a while , get to be deeper into the relationship (we have been together for only 4 months , nothing is set in stone yet , thats why i wanted to see if it would be best to leave now instead of wasting time ) and finish our studies ... i have said this like 2 times in this thread already

HOWCOME NOBODY READS ALL THE PREVIOUS POSTS ????

READ PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


she CANNOT move out . either she lives with her family or she gets married and THEN she moves out with her husband ( me if it keeps going )

she's MUSLIM .... NOT AMERICAN , BIGGGG difference in culture and way of thinking ... no dont come with all that terrorist crap .

we ARE able to have a "real" relationship , this has nothing to do with being mature , its just good planning . why we open our mouths when we both know nothing good will come out of it , ohh and he would kill her if shes even dating , expecially a man thats not from the same religion , he already told her and even gave her a couple of smacks a couple of years ago (actually , he beat her kind of roughly for a girl , she coulnt walk without pain for a week) just because he was suspicious ... she was just hanging out with friends ... at 9 pm for 5 days in a row .

look i know whats good for this situation , we have talked .

i know this is very unusual for most if not all members in this forum . when i started in this relationship i had never even heard of anything like this ... its ok , i dont expect any of you to understand anyways , you wounlt even if you tried ... you just have to be muslim or at least be in this type of relationship to begin to understand .

thank you all for all your opinions . but i dont think it will be usuful to keep this thread open ... now can I close this (as im the original thread starter) or is it only the mods .

ps: SHH! , what gives ?!?! the guy isnt psycho (her father) ... this guy sounds like he was too paranoid and decided to do that just to relieve himself knowing that the system there can somewhat accept this type of crazy behaviour .

she's the youngest of 3 daughters , he told her "i would let you marry whoever you love" ... but of course he expects it to be an Afghan but apparently he's gotten a bit softer in the last couple of months ... he's reaching 60 soon .

her oldest sister cheats on her husband with a non-religious guy thats married and with kids , and she has kids of her own also married ... would it be better if she (my GF) did that with some guy she didnt love , to be married but just because its more "advantages" for her and her family .

NO of course not , she choose love instead of "marry the guy your "designed" to marry "

[Junket]

C'mon Vamp, do you really expect people to read all of that?

Seriously now, this is LF afterall.

I mean I know you're a regular, but still, you could've written a book at the rate you were goin' at.

And I'm sure you can delete your thread, just not close it.

[vashti]

he would kill her if shes even dating , expecially a man thats not from the same religion , he already told her and even gave her a couple of smacks a couple of years ago (actually , he beat her kind of roughly for a girl , she coulnt walk without pain for a week) just because he was suspicious ... she was just hanging out with friends ... at 9 pm for 5 days in a row . ..

And then:

ps: SHH! , what gives ?!?! the guy isnt psycho.

By western standards, his behavior is extreme. It just seems to me that out of fear for her safety alone, you wouldn't want to put her in this position. He has already beat her for doing less, and these things tend to escalate. I think the cultural differences are too wide, my friend.