Destroyed.

[surfhb]

Actually, she has a point. Divorced people (men and women) = a relationship failure of some kind. Even if the divorce is b/c someone finally decides they won't be abused/cheated on/etc. any longer, they still made the choice to marry that person. This tells you something about their judgement and/or decision-making process.

Seriously?! Have either one of you ever been married? Jeez...thats about as pompous and arrogant as it gets around these parts

[HeartIsAching]

Seriously?! Have either one of you ever been married? Jeez...thats about as pompous and arrogant as it gets around these parts

Indi's been married for a long time.

I've been married and divorced a few times, and she's right.

I don't CARE for Cheeks' posts or advice usually, but this time she's not entirely wrong.

[surfhb]

Indi's been married for a long time.

I've been married and divorced a few times, and she's right.

I don't CARE for Cheeks' posts or advice usually, but this time she's not entirely wrong.

Judging someone character on the basis they are divorced? Seriously!? . Okaay

[haxan]

I think you're being a tad defensive, surf. I think Indi likes to refer to it as your guy picker, or on the other foot, girl picker, is off.

If you married, became disenchanted, cheated on, abused, or just plain disinterested and split, I would agree with Indi in saying 'yep, your girl/guy picker on that one was off'.

Some men/women may be top notch individuals, but always, always end up in failed/toxic relationships. It does tell you something, right?

[haxan]

Couple other points I agree on. As long as they don't have multiple divorces under their belt, I think once a divorced individual who has been single again for a period of time; independent, well adjusted, on their own and happy so to speak, that they are good to go. The time frame is probably dependent on the personality, but I think at least a year or so sounds reasonable.

Also, life-long bachelors and bachelorettes (cat ladies). Have to say that usually is going to be a big red flag.

[IndiReloaded]

Judging someone character on the basis they are divorced? Seriously!? . Okaay

So. What basis *should* one judge ones character on? You aren't suggesting to think of someone divorced vs. someone never married exactly the same?

I suppose you would say that an employer shouldn't take into consideration the fact that a potential employee was fired from their previous position either?

Things don't happen in a vacuum. Fact: people don't divorce for no reason and, even if one makes the case that one of the partners was clearly in the wrong (say abuse or cheating), then you still need to determine why this person even married the abuser/cheater in the first place. It may not justify outright avoidance, but one would be a fool to simply ignore it. Maybe they were simply young and didn't know better, or maybe they are terribly insecure and latched onto the first person who showed an interest, ignoring blatant red flags. Rather different reasons and worth knowing the difference, don't you think?

I'm sorry if you've been divorced. I sympathize. Marriage breakdowns are terrible. On that topic tho, another Red Flag would be any divorce/e who claims 'it was all the other person's fault'.

[surfhb]

So. What basis *should* one judge ones character on? You aren't suggesting to think of someone divorced vs. someone never married exactly the same?

Of course I am.......You would have to know that person to be able to judge them on their faults. Sorry but I dont see a divorce as a red flag at all.....hell thats 60-70% of all people. 50% who are divorced and another 15% who wish they were. Look at a persons actions. Im over 40 and would never get a date if I used your criteria while looking for a mate.

I suppose you would say that an employer shouldn't take into consideration the fact that a potential employee was fired from their previous position either?

Ah Gawd...thats a terrible anology. Not even in the same ballpark

Im just all about leaving the past behind....what someones done in the past is nothing to me as long as they have learned by their mistakes

[vashti]

I don't think indi is saying that just because you are divorced, you aren't worth having; it's just that if you HAVE been divorced, you have hopefully learned something from it, so you don't repeat your mistakes (and let's face it, we have ALL made mistakes along the way).

I am in the process of a divorce (that seems like it will never end), and I have learned a LOT. And I don't feel I am unworthy of finding love again, nor do I think indi would say that I am. I was never frivolous about the demise of my relationship, but still, I made mistakes.

[surfhb]

I don't think indi is saying that just because you are divorced, you aren't worth having; it's just that if you HAVE been divorced, you have hopefully learned something from it, so you don't repeat your mistakes (and let's face it, we have ALL made mistakes along the way).

I am in the process of a divorce (that seems like it will never end), and I have learned a LOT. And I don't feel I am unworthy of finding love again, nor do I think indi would say that I am.

Fair enough....it just isnt a red flag for me

btw....Im getting married again at the end of the year. I must be nuts!

[vashti]

Nah, you are just an optimist. It's lovely to be that way, really.

[IndiReloaded]

Im just all about leaving the past behind....what someones done in the past is nothing to me as long as they have learned by their mistakes

Wonderful sentiment, except you haven't answered the question. How *does* one judge someone except based on what they have done? Wishful, hopeful thinking it will be okay?

Your stats don't help your argument. The majority of people *don't* think things through, don't learn from their mistakes (they'd rather 'forget the past') and that's why they have problems later. Eyes wide shut. That said, I wish you well in your future marriage.

@ Vash - Thanks for summarizing my point better than I could.

[surfhb]

Wonderful sentiment, except you haven't answered the question. How *does* one judge someone except based on what they have done? Wishful, hopeful thinking it will be okay?

Based on what they DO, not what they've done

[HeartIsAching]

Fair enough....it just isnt a red flag for me

btw....Im getting married again at the end of the year. I must be nuts!

You never know... last year I got married again for the 4th, yes, FOURTH time.

I got it right this time. I also had some "help" from the legal system. It did me a lot of good. Some people are surprised to hear that I'm happy I got arrested - but those that are closest to me are not. I had things to learn.

[IndiReloaded]

Seriously? So, if someone divorces b/c they cheated, or abused their spouse, kids or whatever, that wouldn't affect your consideration of a person?

Bullshit. And yes, my employer analogy is exactly right. Its just such a good argument you have nothing intelligent to say about it. Marriage is a kind of partnership and you'd be a fool to go into business with someone who bankrupted a previous one. At least without a hard look at what happened.

Optimism is fine to a point. But when one is standing on a precipice, you'd better have done the critical thinking about how to survive that leap. Know how to pack your own parachute.

[surfhb]

Seriously? So, if someone divorces b/c they cheated, or abused their spouse, kids or whatever, that wouldn't affect your consideration of a person?

Bullshit. And yes, my employer analogy is exactly right. Its just such a good argument you have nothing intelligent to say about it. Marriage is a kind of partnership and you'd be a fool to go into business with someone who bankrupted a previous one. At least without a hard look at what happened.

Optimism is fine to a point. But when one is standing on a precipice, you'd better have done the critical thinking about how to survive that leap. Know how to pack your own parachute.

OK OK.... of course I not taking past criminal activity in account. Im simply saying divorce is or shouldn't be a red flag on its own.

I spent several years behind bars for driving 10 lbs of coke into Arizona...bastards!! It was good for me too

Marriage is a kind of partnership and you'd be a fool to go into business with someone who bankrupted a previous one. At least without a hard look at what happened.

...and yes....you are right on that. Guess Im a little sensitive on the subject of divorce.