Is there anything wrong with him? Or he's just not that into me?

[ecojeanne]

well maybe you would like the relationship to work coz he gets so emotional and guilts you into going back with him, which is understandable, it's hard to listen to someone cry.

he's frikin weird. next time he tries to get you back crying n all don't take him back, he's not sure what he wants and is likely feeling lonely when you're not around. he's doesn't actually care, he trying to make himself care but then realises that he doesn't and then breaks it off. you don't need this hassle from an emotionally immature idiot.

[questiongirl]

Yea, that’s why I know a relationship won’t work with him because he’s very emotionally unstable, immature, and he’s not in love with me.

My struggle is that it’s hard to give him up as a friend, or as a person.

“Do you feel that you cannot have other friends to talk philosophy?”

No, but he has his Unique point of views which intellectually stimulate me more than most people. Yes, I admit he’s a weird person in ordinary life, but I also have to say he’s very intellectual, speaks 4 languages fluently, growing up in different countries so he always have interesting stories to tell and see things differently, composes music, designs sophisticated software, very knowledgeable about history, culture….Spiritually, he’s always trying to improve himself as a person. So, being with him brings the good qualities out of me: like I always feel the need to learn, to think and to improve myself. Wouldn’t you appreciate a friend like that??

“Do you feel you must save him to make yourself feel helpful?”

I feel sad that he isolated himself from other people for so long because of his painful childhood experience. I think the reason why he’s so emotionally immature is because he never had many opportunities to interact with other people so he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. I do think he values my companionship/friendship, that’s why he keeps coming back to me confusing friendship with love/affection. I feel guilty for not being able to stay with him as a friend , shouldn't I be the more rational person who should be able to control my own feelings to clear up the confusion, instead of having to go to the extreme of cutting ties with each other completely?

[lesa]

No, but he has his Unique point of views which intellectually stimulate me more than most people. Yes, I admit he’s a weird person in ordinary life, but I also have to say he’s very intellectual, speaks 4 languages fluently, growing up in different countries so he always have interesting stories to tell and see things differently, composes music, designs sophisticated software, very knowledgeable about history, culture….Spiritually, he’s always trying to improve himself as a person. So, being with him brings the good qualities out of me: like I always feel the need to learn, to think and to improve myself. Wouldn’t you appreciate a friend like that??

Sure, I love diverse people and try to hang out with as many intriguing people as I desire. In fact, most of my friends speak several different languages, do some type of musical art or fine arts and have great historical and cultural information to educate me. However, if any of them start to behave like your friend I would say "f*** it" to them. It's the only way some people learn to change.

Your original questions say otherwise about your true intentions of this relationship. Are you telling me that you would like to hang around a man that tells you he is not into you, that he feels something is missing, etc. just so that you can be with a diverse intellect? Will you continue to put up with his drama so that you can talk philosophy?

[questiongirl]

My original post was trying to figure out if his behavior is normal for a guy who's just not that into you, or more sound like he has some emotional issues. If it's the second one, I would feel bad for completely leaving him.

Again, I also don't think he's gonna be so dramatic if I'm just a friend. It won't matter if he's "just not that into me" or not if we just stay as friends, I'd be dating other people anyways. But seems like that's just a lot of work for both of us. I know I won't initiate any contact with him...if he really intiate contact with me I guess I'll just ignore it. I hope he doesn't do the crying, or repeated calling again, I'm afraid I'd give up again. I don't want to change my phone number for that.

I know a relationship is definitely out of question, because I'm right now looking for a person who I can settle down with, so he must be a mature and stable person, and there must have been NO break ups from the beginning. I just feel wrong to not even let him be a friend.

[lesa]

Damn, with his behavior, he has manipulated you very well. You really think he cannot function well without you (or maybe it's the other way around). He does NOT NEED you. With his behavior, he doesn't deserve your friendship. Teach people how you would like to be treated by dumping those that cannot. He would have learned these lessons as a child if he was not so "autistic". Now that he is an adult without these skills he will need an accelerated course on it. You accepting his wishy-washy behavior is actually slowing him down.

Not accepting his behavior/friendship will help you too.

[questiongirl]

I sometimes do suspect if he's unintentionally manipulating me, by working on my sympathy, guilt.

[ecojeanne]

oh c'mon, there is nothing wrong with the qgirl giving a guy the chance especially when he is emotional. there is nothing wrong with the her, she just feels sorry for him now and that's ok. he's a weirdo and a saddo. qgirl you knwo now what you have to do.

[lesa]

oh c'mon, there is nothing wrong with the qgirl giving a guy the chance especially when he is emotional. there is nothing wrong with the her, she just feels sorry for him now and that's ok. he's a weirdo and a saddo. qgirl you knwo now what you have to do.

I agree and never said there was anything wrong with giving the guy a chance. She can do more than give him a chance. She can do whatever she wants. However, since she asked for advice, I want to give her some interesting information instead of BSing her. With this new information she can still do whatever she wants.

[ecojeanne]

tbh lesa, i found most of what you wrote here was BS. this is the problem with society, people just disconnect from each other so easily. some people however give things a bit of a go and see if the trend continues. it doean;t mean there is anything wrong with giving a bit of time trying to figure out whats going on without insinuating a person actually enjoys the drama. she was trying to understand him. and she made it clear from her original post that she was already aware that it wasn;t going to work but was asking us to figure him out coz she couldn't....well thats how i took it, not that there was actually any drama loving on her part.

[lesa]

tbh lesa, i found most of what you wrote here was BS. this is the problem with society, people just disconnect from each other so easily. some people however give things a bit of a go and see if the trend continues. it doean;t mean there is anything wrong with giving a bit of time trying to figure out whats going on without insinuating a person actually enjoys the drama. she was trying to understand him. and she made it clear from her original post that she was already aware that it wasn;t going to work but was asking us to figure him out coz she couldn't....well thats how i took it, not that there was actually any drama loving on her part.

If my posts are not helpful to the OP she still has the option to do whatever she wants. If only I can give her advice to help her in the decision process in any way....

If you can point out my BSing maybe I can help myself. I'm up for a friendly debate.

Your posts almost remind me of people that don't give any helpful advice but make defensive comments of very little help just to let people fall when you can see the fall coming. That's what is wrong with society.

Just to let you know. I don't like it.

[ecojeanne]

it's just a difference of opinion that's all lesa. i can handle it. can you?

[lesa]

Uh, I think we are getting off course with these opinions. I prefer to guide the OP than deal with opinions of little help for the OP at this moment. Can you do that right now? Feel free to open another thread on how society disconnects from weirdos and saddos and how my posts relate to that.

[questiongirl]

I think you both are making sense.

I was trying to figure out his behavior and reasons behind. But I agree that me accepting his irresponsible behavior is actually slowing his growth as a person. He needs to learn to behave like an adult, quick. But last time during our talk, he was showing some signs of wanting to retreat back to his own little world again, which I think would be very detrimental to him. He also recently learned that his mom's got cancer. It just feels wrong to completely ignore him when he reaches out.

Maybe if he contacts again I'll agree to exchange e-mails so I can give him some support as a friend, but not to see each other in person again. That's the best compromise I can think of for now.

[starbuck]

You sound like you're handling it well, questiongirl. He needs to be able to handle his own problems, rough childhood or no. Sometimes some of us get into patterns where we over-empathize to the point where we feel like we want to "take care of" these kinds of guys and the whole situation ends up harmful to us. (I've been there, done that)

Might be good to read the "shining knight" thread here on LF.

[Yggdrasil]

But I agree that me accepting his irresponsible behavior is actually slowing his growth as a person. He needs to learn to behave like an adult, quick. But last time during our talk, he was showing some signs of wanting to retreat back to his own little world again, which I think would be very detrimental to him. He also recently learned that his mom's got cancer. It just feels wrong to completely ignore him when he reaches out.

Maybe if he contacts again I'll agree to exchange e-mails so I can give him some support as a friend, but not to see each other in person again. That's the best compromise I can think of for now.

Some people just don't get it.... oh well.

I'll try one last time: maybe you can exchange his diapers to while you're at it. You're not his mother. Give it up. Top enabling him for crying out loud.