Could have handled it better?

[Bo]

This situation is making me feel ill.

[Mish]

Things that could have been handled better:

So last night my bf and I went out drinking everything was good until we left the bar to go back to his friends house and after about 30 mins we decided to leave and his house is only a couple blocks away. Either way we'd both had a fair amount to drink and on the ride home he decided he was going to drive.

Neither one of you should have driven on that night

Mind you, I just got a brand New car and I felt like he was getting a bit close to things when he was driving so I kept saying whoa, careful and so he basically flipped out. I know I was probably being 'naggy' but sometimes I don't feel like he's careful on the road with my car which is why I insist on driving most of the time. And by careful I mean running over Pot holes or objects on the road that could have easily been avoided. And he starts telling me I'm a terribly driver. So he's gets all pissed off and then tells me I'm a terrible drunk like my dad. WOW. I replied with a **** you.

I think under the circumstances (knowing that he is drunk) it was unwise to criticise his driving, I think it's pretty obvious that anyone who's drunk would not be in any condition to drive. You criticism was stating the obvious. To handle this situation better you may have offered for him to park the car and then catch the taxi back home so both of you could sleep it off and pick the car up sober in the morning.

I dont care who you are or what i tell you don't insult my family. So now I'm livid and decide to leave. He texted me on the drive home all angry and I'm still really pissed off this morning. Was I wrong?

I think both of you were wrong on a number of occasions. But that doesn't matter, what matters is will you learn from this experience?

[searock]

It's understandable to be so angry at him for talking about your father like that. He might have been pissed and a bit drunk so that's why it blurted out. While this might justify him at the time, there is no excuse for him not responding to your apologies. I think you should try telling him something like this: "Again I apologize for being naggy and mean the other night, I was a bit nervous and tipsy. Hope you aren't still mad about that, I'm sorry. The reason I got *really* pissed off is the things you said about my father. That really hurt me, because I had no idea you thought those things about him. I hope we can talk soon and clear things out, this situation is making me hurt even more". In other words, instead of attacking him, try to let him see things from your point of view.

Why isn't this in the Love Advice forum btw?

[IndiReloaded]

Sorry Bo, he was a jerk, but you were *stupid* to let him drive your car. You are asking the wrong question. Never, ever foist what is your responsibility on to someone else. This goes for BFs, spouses, bosses...anything really. Be smarter.

[Bo]

Sorry Bo, he was a jerk, but you were *stupid* to let him drive your car. You are asking the wrong question. Never, ever foist what is your responsibility on to someone else. This goes for BFs, spouses, bosses...anything really. Be smarter.

Thanks true true. Next time we are finding a DD. For a second everyone was making me feel like i'm insane to be upset over something like that. Either way I probably shouldn't have said anything or nagged, but for him to retaliate with saying that was WAYYYY over the line.

He finally responded after playing the silent treatment ALL day yesterday and doesn't look like he's seeing where i'm coming from. He thinks because I told him things about my family(because i trust him) that it's ok because it's not technically coming from him. So he's saying he's pretty much repeating what I said while insulting me too, yep fkn lovely.

I think the thing that really hurt me is for someone who I've been with for almost 3 years to use something I told them in private because TRUST them, against me. For me, it'/s like WHOA that's pretty Fcked up of you.

So after all that nonsense I told him to leave me alone if he can't be nice and he texted me a couple hours later at 2:30 in the morn trying to brush it off after i ignored his last message to tell me to come over and stop fussing?

I'm not interested in dragging this out but I'm pissed off and really hurt still.

[Bo]

It's understandable to be so angry at him for talking about your father like that. He might have been pissed and a bit drunk so that's why it blurted out. While this might justify him at the time, there is no excuse for him not responding to your apologies. I think you should try telling him something like this: "Again I apologize for being naggy and mean the other night, I was a bit nervous and tipsy. Hope you aren't still mad about that, I'm sorry. The reason I got *really* pissed off is the things you said about my father. That really hurt me, because I had no idea you thought those things about him. I hope we can talk soon and clear things out, this situation is making me hurt even more". In other words, instead of attacking him, try to let him see things from your point of view.

Why isn't this in the Love Advice forum btw?

IDK I've always posted in this section for over years.....out of habit?

[Bo]

Things that could have been handled better:



Neither one of you should have driven on that night



I think under the circumstances (knowing that he is drunk) it was unwise to criticise his driving, I think it's pretty obvious that anyone who's drunk would not be in any condition to drive. You criticism was stating the obvious. To handle this situation better you may have offered for him to park the car and then catch the taxi back home so both of you could sleep it off and pick the car up sober in the morning.

I think both of you were wrong on a number of occasions. But that doesn't matter, what matters is will you learn from this experience?

It won't be happening again, that's for sure.

[oneandonly]

He was out of order but I can't help but wonder if it's normal to swear at each other in a relationship. I don't know how normal this is in any other relationships but I can't simply tolerate it. It's very disrespectful in whatever context it may be.

[IndiReloaded]

I think the thing that really hurt me is for someone who I've been with for almost 3 years to use something I told them in private because TRUST them, against me. For me, it'/s like WHOA that's pretty Fcked up of you.

he texted me a couple hours later at 2:30 in the morn trying to brush it off after i ignored his last message to tell me to come over and stop fussing?

I'm not interested in dragging this out but I'm pissed off and really hurt still.

fwiw, Bo, I'd be cross with a comment about my dad like he made to you. Those kinds of comments are what we call 'below the belt' and he needs to apologize for it. They are entirely designed to wound and he needs to own up to this. Its a separate issue from the car thing we discussed previously, which is why I didn't mention this until now, except to agree he's a jerk. You need to tell him this but in a way that leaves him some room to apologize while saving face.

[vashti]

I told him I don't know how he could think that insulting my family is somehow ok.

It's not (unless your dad really DOES have an issue with booze).

I wouldn't tolerate it.

Telling him to **** off pales by comparison.

[Bo]

fwiw, Bo, I'd be cross with a comment about my dad like he made to you. Those kinds of comments are what we call 'below the belt' and he needs to apologize for it. They are entirely designed to wound and he needs to own up to this. Its a separate issue from the car thing we discussed previously, which is why I didn't mention this until now, except to agree he's a jerk. You need to tell him this but in a way that leaves him some room to apologize while saving face.

It's not (unless your dad really DOES have an issue with booze).

I wouldn't tolerate it.

Telling him to **** off pales by comparison.

Vash, this is what pisses me off...my father was an alcoholic. He had problems with it while my siblings and I were growing up and he was very verbally/physically abusive. He's much better now but yes there's history there and for me yes it was a VERy below the belt jab at me. I don't know how to get the point across without getting upset.

[Wakeup]

Well since you've revealed more then I have to say that he didn't insult your father (because sadly your father is a drinker/alcoholic) but rather he insulted you for saying you were just like him (him being your dad). Then, you got offended (most of us would be insulted) and then you insulted back in defence.

Why not just settle this and get on with your relationship or, reflect and decide if this guy is who you want to spend any more time with. He was wrong to respond to your nagging about his driving the way he did by throwing you a direct dig and you were wrong to respond to his dig comment the way you did out of hurt.

Now.. what are you going to do about it, particularily when he's not responding to you? (or has he since responded?) His further ignoring is a show of even more disrespect to you and your relationship.. ugh! Sorry!

my father was an alcoholic. He had problems with it while my siblings and I were growing up and he was very verbally/physically abusive.

Be aware of that in your own relationships.. that you don't settle for someone that is just like your father. (or shudders; you become like your father) Don't let yourself be accepting of him and/or verbal abuse in general (from you or to you) just because that is what you grew up in.

Be well, Bo.

[vashti]

Vash, this is what pisses me off...my father was an alcoholic. He had problems with it while my siblings and I were growing up and he was very verbally/physically abusive. He's much better now but yes there's history there and for me yes it was a VERy below the belt jab at me. I don't know how to get the point across without getting upset.

It's possible that him calling your dad a drunk could have been descriptive rather than critical, but I think - based on what you posted, and based on your positive reputation from previous post history - that you heard the words he said in exactly the way he meant you to, so I wouldn't feel bad at all for telling him to **** off.

[qwertz]

I hope if either of you decide to drive while drunk then you kill yourselves and not anyone else.

[Bo]

It's possible that him calling your dad a drunk could have been descriptive rather than critical, but I think - based on what you posted, and based on your positive reputation from previous post history - that you heard the words he said in exactly the way he meant you to, so I wouldn't feel bad at all for telling him to **** off.

I don't feel bad for that but looking at it from the perspective of being the bigger person, I probably shouldn't have. And the Way he worded what he said was part of why I got upset.

Wakeup: He apologized for saying it but somehow I'm still not satisfied with the situation. It's just kinda sitting in the back of my head for now...