Called the Police

[Wakeup]

Vince: Get yourself some councelling with someone proficient in codependency. This is about you now and your inability to leave someone while you enable them to be the suckubus that they are. I felt queasy reading what you are doing for her in regards to her school work. You are an enabler to the nth degree. You are aiding and abetting in her cheating, she is not learning anything by you doing for her the way you do. I would not want her working on my books knowing what I know.
She possitively sounds boarderline personality disordered and you sound addicted to her shit.

Sorry to be blunt because I think you have a good head on your shoulders and are empathetic to others but now its beyond your good points and your bad points need to be realized by YOU.

Do not have children with this woman. I can't even imagine the emotional and psychological abuse they will suffer under this relationship.

This is a case of continuing on in a mess and doing nothing but complain or vent about the lastest mutual abuse. Typical of codependent relationships.

Break the cycle of abuse by leaving her and getting the help you need to stay away from your addiction to her (what you describe isn't love: Things get better, we communcate great, we once again emotionally abuse one another, we talk, things get better, we emotionally abuse one another and on and on and on.

Sorry, I hope you don't kill the messenger.

[Valixy]

Maybe you are trying to understand and forgive her anger attacks because you feel that you've been through something similar before, learnt a lot by committing similar mistakes and were lucky enough to be given second chances by some people. However not judging her does not mean that you should take the risk of living with someone who's got to know all your weak points and is weak enough herself to try to provoke you and bring out the worse in you occasionally, imo.

What should have been a normal argument escaleted so quickly and could have become a nightmare if you hadn't called the police maybe because she seemed determined to make you lose all your patience and self control. After going through something like this I personally wouldn't feel comfortable sharing time again or living with somebody who can have so little self control that she can try to undermine mine despite knowing everything I've been through and the effort I feel I have to make to keep things calm. I suppose I would simply feel that I am safer without that person and this would come first in my case, no matter how many university courses she'd have to finish or how important her studies could be to her. Even If I was in love with someone, my peace of mind, my comfort and my security would naturally be my prority.

[Wakeup]

I agree with everything except for the "but". He seems to be a genuinely nice guy, therefore he deserves better.

HE doesn't believe that he deserves better. Thats what HE needs to work on. He has control over himself 100% and how he works to better himself by leaving the dysfunction. He has No control over her and her particular brand of "ism" so Vince... work on who and what you can control... not what you're trying to control while failing at it.

[pcmaster]

They didnt had sex for a while. Perhaps she thought Vince was preparing for her studies but was disapointed at vince performance at classroom and let her frustated sexual energy out in this crazy way.
In the end no one is 100% normal. Being normal in mad world is insane. It boils down to you love these bad things about her or not.

[vashti]

Vincenzo, I do not understand why a woman like her warrants such loyalty from a nice man, when there are so many good women who are single.

[randomguy85]

posting so i can ask a question

[Constantinesbr]

Any women can turn from the most innocent angel to a complete and utter bitch.
My ex threatened me she would contact my family , when I treated her like a queen and cut me off for no reason.
So man my advice is never trust them or let them manipulate you, always leave her wanting more and don't call them, if a woman wants u she will make the move to come to you.
Some of them are quite messed up in the head from all the relationships they had, they are pretty ****ed up.

[Boisdevie]

Any women can turn from the most innocent angel to a complete and utter bitch.

Thankfully it's not left you feeling bitter or twisted then.

[joanna1]

My girlfriend and I had a couple of nasty conflicts early this year, but managed to get past that and rebuild the relationship. Things got stressful again in recent months, as I lost my job while she is struggling with two part-time jobs and a difficult semester of classes. One of her five classes is an online Finance class which I have been doing for her. I do all the problem sets online and take the tests online, so she can focus on her other four classes. I am also tutoring her in Quantitative Analysis, which is kind of silly because I never took that class when I was in college, and I don't use quantitative analysis in my career, so I don't know the material any better than she does. But I am somewhat good with numbers, so I study each chapter and then help her through the homework and help her study for the exams. It's tough, because some of the material isn't even in the textbook and is only covered in the lectures.

This morning, we were rushing to finish a difficult problem set that was assigned two days ago and due this morning. We were 90% done but only had about 20 minutes left before she needed to go, when she stopped working on the problem and started blaming me for not being better prepared. I tried to get her to re-focus on the problem. She needs to pass this class to graduate, and she is going to fail this class if we don't get about 90% of the remaining points in the class. She kept nagging me to apologize for not being better prepared and I got impatient and told her to stop acting stupid. She got mad, I called her more names, and then she started throwing my stuff on the floor. Just a big stack of blank notecards at first, then papers and small objects like pens and pencils. I told her to leave, so she walked out into the next room and started throwing more stuff on the floor. I told her to leave or I would call the police. She continued to throw stuff on the floor. I tried to push her towards the door and she warned me that I had just committed assault. I let go, and she started throwing stuff on the floor in the kitchen. Nothing breakable so far. I started throwing her stuff outside, including her laptop. She refused to leave and kept throwing (non-breakable) stuff on the floor, then started throwing weightier objects down the basement stairs. I called the police.

Once I called the police, she stopped throwing stuff on the floor, but still refused to leave. We talked a bit more calmly then, and I got dressed in warmer clothes under the assumption that I would be going to jail for assault. She told me that she would press charges.

Two police cars arrived. One officer talked to me outside while the other one talked to her inside. I told the officer honestly what had happened, without trying to make myself look good. I concluded by apologizing and saying that she and I are both stupid people. I also told him that we are both going through a tough time: I'm unemployed and she has a heavy load of work and school.

The other officer helped her pick up her belongings and they made her leave. The officer talking to me advised me to talk things over with her on the phone before seeing her face to face again. Nobody got arrested.

While I was tossing her stuff outside, I started to feel ashamed about the whole situation, and even sorry that she was under such stress.

I think the police getting involved would greatly change the relationship dynamic now, you cannot just ignore what happened and how each of you acted. Can either talk calmly about it, maybe at her place since she seems to like to be very destructive at your place. I wouldn't invite her back to your place anytime soon, meet at hers or better yet in a public place for coffee.

IMO she became enraged at the idea she might fail, but all the reasons she was passing was because of your hard work doing her lessons not even her own, so what right did she have to get enraged at you, you were helping her more than she cared to help herself, she should have only been upset at herself. It sounds very self involved on her part. It is hard to turn off loving someone, especially someone you've loved and invested in so long, maybe write out a pro and cons list and be extremely honest about your relationship and her when writing it. Ask advice of the people who personally know both of you too.

If I were you the, " you just committed assault", comment should be a big red flag on how little she thinks of you, along with the tantrum and selfishness. Did the police write it up as a domestic dispute or left it alone? Take a 2 week break off her and her homework, let her fend for herself for those two weeks and realize the effort you were doing all this time for her.

[pcmaster]

This story reminds me one girl from past. We worked together and I was all the way nice and sweet for her. She told other guy that Im too good for her and he said to her that Im a shit. She started to laught and called me shit straight in my face when I was singing "Listen to your heart before you tell them goodbye. Little piece of heaven turns to dust" She thought that I wana entertain her when I actually tried to teach her. She laugted and said bolax(which means dog shit). I snapped straight away. It was first day without steroids(took them because of her) and I was very sensitive. I started to work twice faster my movements was fast and sharp. That was some sports performance and people was afraid from me including girl. She called my name - it sounded so amazing to hear it. I looked at her and she was hidding behind a guy. Was that a dream did she realy called my name? At the end of the shift she came to clean mess and I looked at her like she was a miracle and said "Thanks". But she said "Dont look at me !" It was hard to believe. So beautiful why shes not allowing to look at her? The same night supervisor ended up with kissing her to make her feel better althought he had a GF. I knew what he did cause suddenly she was all shining and smiling not sad anymore like before. In the morning driving back home together she looked at me and felt sorry cause she thought I lost job because of that d!ck supervisor. I was keeping my eyes closed(not looking at her) and smiling. Next two days she werent at job, as I find out she injured her hand that night. 6 days later we met at work again and she was all pale while I had best tan ever since these days were spend at beach meditating, riding bike, lifting weigts and drinking protein shakes. Now she was following me around and wanted my attention.(one guy told her how much I love her and how sad I was without her[which was true]) Now she was the bitch.

[DalM0m]

As a general rule of thumb: Once the police have to get involved the relationship is not worth saving.

[Wakeup]

Vincenzo, I do not understand why a woman like her warrants such loyalty from a nice man, when there are so many good women who are single.

Its addiction to her and the drama. Its got very little to do with "loyalty" in the real sense.

Vince you were doing her work and she gave you crap and had a temper tantrum because YOU were'nt prepared enough to cover her ass. Stop enabling her to be the manipulative, caniving user that she is. You enable her to continue to be the taker. For what? A good bout of sex every once in a while? Google Borderline personality disorder and read about how the porn star sex keeps codependent men hooked and catering to the whims of woman like your (hopefully ex) girlfriend.

You are a micro-manager and white knight. Get the guidance YOU need to be able to understand this away from the forest you can't see for the trees.

[Wakeup]

Further:

Here: When you're ready, read these links and educate yourself so that you WILL be able to see yourself without her in your life.

http://bpdfamily.blogspot.ca/2010/08/being-victim.html

http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

http://www.artofconfidence.com/whiteknight/

http://www.artofconfidence.com/whiteknight/

She views you in either black or white or good and bad. You were the bad guy because you didn't finish her work and so she reacted like the 4 year old.. which is exactly where her emotional maturity level seems to be at.

[VincenzoG91]

Some people in this thread have pushed the idea that this is a co-dependent relationship, but the word “co-dependency” has been stretched so far beyond the original idea that it has lost value. It’s a term that is often misunderstood and misused, like “irony” or “passive-aggressive.” My girlfriend is not an alcoholic or a compulsive gambler or a drug addict. She grew up in a dysfunctional family and was raped three times, including once by her stepdad. The third incident was just four years ago. She has issues, but this is not a co-dependent relationship. I don’t go around making excuses for her, I confront her when I think she is seriously wrong about something. Yes, I can be very supportive, because I love her. But I don’t have any patience for nonsense, not even from her.

I lost my job in late September when our company got bought out by a competitor. I'm currently on unemployment, but I am also wrapping up company business for a possible contingency payment next month that would be worth as much as 9 weeks of pay. According to the state, I am supposed to be spending 32 hours a week on my job search in order to qualify for unemployment benefits.

While my girlfriend definitely supports the concept of me finding a new job, she feels that I now have a vast amount of free time, and I should spend a lot of it helping her with school because she is so busy with her two part time jobs and her classes. I do think that it's a bit extreme that her marketing degree has required her to take 2 classes in account, 2 in economics, and 1 class each in business law, statistics, finance, and quantitative analysis. So I think that it’s reasonable to help her with those classes. And even with my background in accounting, I find some of the math in her quantitative class to be challenging. Plus I really want her to get the marketing degree because I want her to be able to have a real career and be able to support herself instead of getting so much help from me. She wants that, too.

That isn’t co-dependency. I made sacrifices in my own life to get through college and get my CPA license. And at a pivotal moment in my life, I moved away from all my friends so I could focus on passing that CPA exam and get my career going. Compared to that, the sacrifices that I am making right now to help my girlfriend finally get her degree are relatively minor. She isn’t asking me to move away from my friends, give up any hobbies, or work insane hours. And this isn’t about some unhealthy dependency, this is about helping someone I love achieve the most important goal in her life.

All that said, I agree that there are some serious problems in our relationship that need to be addressed. I need to be firm about how much help I am willing to give, because in the end, this is supposed to be her education. She needs to manage her time better and stop taking on too much. This semester, the problem is her part-time job on campus has required her to deal with many phone calls and emails outside of office hours (she is managing part-time student photographers and graphic designers, so nobody’s schedule matches up well). The job is good experience for her intended career in marketing, but it won’t matter if she fails quantitative analysis and can’t get the degree. The situation is hard for her, and I’ve got my own stress right now, but the semester is over next month and next semester doesn’t look as tough.

[Wakeup]

No it has not lost it's value. It's only the freaking codependent that are in denial that think it has lost it's value.

Vince you need help. Your justification of her behaviour is very telling. I'm not talking about your girlfriend now, what she is, is obvious to everyone but you.

You even justified before you even read any of those links. You subconsciously know this thing you have with her is totally dysfunctional that is why you post about it. You just need to accept it consciously now and you'll be better equipped to end the merry-go-round of crap you've found yourself on.

Sorry, hate me all you want. But there it is. Out in the open, what everyone of us here have been thinking and trying to tiptoe to you with the information you so readily dismiss.