Am I way too sensitive? Are we always fighting because of me?

[Suzan]

I haven't made any real friends there because most of them were racists.. (I'm black so..)
When they were no racist they were two faced psychos... Talked nice but would be very mean behind your back.
When they were nice & wanted to do stuff with me, I always said no because the thought of goin out, partiying, being social, scared the shit out of me because within 6 months I managed to isolate myself and spend most of my time at home..
So I know it's partly my fault I didn't make friend's there.. I was so sad all the time that I just wanted to be left alone..

Hm. I wouldn't say that he went on dates with my former best friends... But I was jealous & hurt, not because she's a girl but because I missed my friend and she is here, just not interested in me but in him (only as friends). We had a huge fight about it but My boyfriend says he doesn't see her as girl.. He sees her as a buddy he can play computer games with...

First he didn't understand that I didn't like it, then he said: if you really don't want me to be her friend I'll stop talking to her.
But then I said that I don't want him to stop talking to her because I don't want people to look at me as if I'm just the jealous girlfriend...

[searock]

Why did your friend stop talking to you and keep talking to your boyfriend? That is a weird behavior.

As for the new people you met, the nice ones, again I think you should see a therapist to help with your social anxiety. If you hadn't been so afraid of being social, you would have lots of new friends by now. See your school counselor at least.

[Suzan]

She thinks I stopped talking to her, I think the opposite... Also I tried to get in touch with her again.. She never tried anything (but she claims that she tried to stay in touch and someday she got tired of tryin).

Then I decided that I should leave the past in the past, that she's now history to me. But after graduation, when I moved to a new city for university, she decided to move in the same city, so did a couple former friends of ours... So whenever I meet up with my one and only friend, she's there too because they know each other too and whenever she meets up with my boyfriend I also see her sometimes because I don't like that they spend so much time together alone.

We talk normally to each other but we're no friends anymore.

I kind of don't believe in therapy... I think I'm the only one who can make a difference and I'm actually working on it, I'm also reading a lot of books concerning my issues.. As a student I have no money for therapy

[searock]

That's why I advised you see the school counselor: you wouldn't have to pay for it.

[Suzan]

I have to think about it... I feel weird that I'm having issues I need to talk about with a counselor... My family wouldn't understand and my boyfriend generally doesn't believe in things like "social anxiety, depression, etc..." I guess I'm all alone in this again ^^

[searock]

You don't have to tell anyone, if you think they wouldn't understand. Lots of people get therapy at some point in their lives, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them in most cases, it just means that they are going through a rough period in their life and they could use expert help to get them through. Think of it like catching a bad cold: you need a doctor to help you get better. There's no shame in it, you'll see. Worst thing that can happen is that nothing will happen, best thing is that things will get better for you.

[Suzan]

Thank you so much for your messages. You're right. I actually really want to talk about my issues to someone.

[searock]

Then go ahead and give it a try :-). Good luck and do keep us updated.

[HeartIsAching]

Wakeup and BasilnThyme are right - it sounds as if you're having trouble with your communication skills. When you see the counselor, I suggest letting them know that's what you really want to work on.

Also, you need to think about finding out why you don't have the self-worth necessary to get out of a bad relationship.

[Wakeup]

I do have an amazing family. Unfortunately I don't really have friends... Only people who used to be very close to me but kind of abandoned me .. Since that I've created this barrier between me and other people... I don't even know how to be social anymore... I like to hide myself away ..

If he's not being sarcastic, he can be a nice guy. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl on earth.
He lifts me up sometimes.
He actually says that I'm a smart girl...
Sometimes he just talks as if he doesn't think that I am.

I really appreciate every single message you guys posted ... I just think I have to talk to him again and tell him that it's not all my fault that we fight.
I'm definitely going to read books on how to communicate. I know I have problems with expressing myself correctly, so does he. You guys helped me see that.

I know 6 months seem like nothing to some of you. To me it means the world...
Especially because I'm already kind of close with his parents...
Even his relatives in Romania talk as if I'm already a member of this family.
I don't think I'm ready to give that up just yet. Not before giving it my all to try to make this work.

I'm sure he loves me... I'm just not used to the way he talks..

His best friend (who is also a good friend of mine, my only friend actually) assures me that he loves me. She says that's just the way he talks, I shouldn't take it personally.

Also after we fight he's always the one who gives up on the fight... He says it's my fault but he drops the issue after a couple of minutes because he says he can't bear the thought of us fighting and not talking to each other.

Doesn't that count?

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being naive. Maybe I am.
I don't know.

Does his father talk to his mother like the way he talks to you, Suzan? If she does then he's just talking to you the only way he knows how... it's the way he's been programmed to relate what he wants and what he's feeling.

Its good you're going to read the books on communication. It would help you as a couple if he read them as well. Hopefully you can communicate to him that you'd like you both to be able to communicate your needs/wants in a more calm and precise manner.

Good luck, hope you can resolve this.

[searock]

I've created this barrier between me and other people... I don't even know how to be social anymore... I like to hide myself away ...

the thought of goin out, partiying, being social, scared the shit out of me because within 6 months I managed to isolate myself and spend most of my time at home..

While she may have issues with communication, she has trouble socializing as well. I think this is the main problem. Anyway, OP, talk about both these issues with your counselor, they will know what to do .

[Wakeup]

THEY have issues with communication. It's not just her. ~ she defo should be addressing her social anxiety so she can be a happy camper in general I'm not meaning to minimizing her problems with that by reiterating that they need to know how to talk to one another without the aggravated tone she describes. If they don't resolve that then no matter how social she becomes she's still going to be feeling resentment and offence whenever they have a disagreement.

And on top of that, one of my former (female) best friends decided to befriend my boyfriend... They are texting, meeting up to play Xbox, playing squash... She talks to him but not to me.. I find that odd....

I find that to be a RED flag.

What have you said to him about their involvement? Does he play squash with you? What about Xbox... what are you doing while he does this stuff with her?

[Suzan]

THEYWhat have you said to him about their involvement? Does he play squash with you? What about Xbox... what are you doing while he does this stuff with her?

I explained to him how close we were in the past. And how we lost contact. I said that I don't hate her or anything, I just want nothin else to do with her. I told him that I don't understand why he decided to cut contact to all his female friends (though I never told him to do so) but insist on being friends with her, who had hurt me in the past. He said he sees her as a buddy. First he said that I should stop being childish and work things out with her, so that things won't be complicated. I said no. While fighting he even said: you are so stubborn, no wonder she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.. That hit very hard. That was beyond hurtful. He later apologized & said: if you really don't want me to be her friend, I'll stop talking to her. But then I said no because people would think I am being a control freak, & super jealous.

Sometimes I play squash with them. If I'm not I stay at home. whenever they played Xbox I was out of town.

[Wakeup]

I explained to him how close we were in the past. And how we lost contact. I said that I don't hate her or anything, I just want nothin else to do with her. I told him that I don't understand why he decided to cut contact to all his female friends (though I never told him to do so) but insist on being friends with her, who had hurt me in the past. He said he sees her as a buddy. First he said that I should stop being childish and work things out with her, so that things won't be complicated. I said no. While fighting he even said: you are so stubborn, no wonder she doesn't want to be your friend anymore.. That hit very hard. That was beyond hurtful. He later apologized & said: if you really don't want me to be her friend, I'll stop talking to her. But then I said no because people would think I am being a control freak, & super jealous.

Sometimes I play squash with them. If I'm not I stay at home. whenever they played Xbox I was out of town.

When he offered not to be her friend you should have taken him up on it. You're with an assclown and you cowtow to him. You have no personal boundaries and ones that you do have (like him not hanging out with another girl-one that is rude to you to boot) you break down to accommodate him and his assery.


Here's a link on personal boundaries and how important they are in maintaining good healthy relationships.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

This was about his disrespect to you and your relationship by hanging out and befriending a girl that he knows you and she are not fond of one another... NOT about "you" being stubborn and "no wonder she doesnt' want to be your friend"

I'm sorry but as long as you keep letting him do things so that you don't look a certain way, you're going to be taken advantage of.

[Suzan]

Thank you for the link!
I'm definitely going to read it and make use of it.