friends, lovers...still friends?

[funsounds]

my take...

Avoid her for everyones sake...you, her, your wife, her husband. Obviously, there's something there between and this woman. And obviously neither of you have shown much self control in the past. DO NOT put yourself in a situation where you will falter. Period. It really is that simple.

[Chlorine]

Funsounds----"DO NOT put yourself in a situation where you will falter. Period."

That's a good piece of advise. Only the very controlled will resist temptation. Most people just dive right in and sink.

[gHEXjt]

This is a tough situation Crazyhorse. Hell, you can give it a shot and try to be friends w/her. But both of you will probably want more than that from each other, which she no longer feels is worth the risk of losing her marriage for, or so it seems. I don't know what else to tell you besides that.

Now, in reference to all this crap about you having done something wrong, betraying God or whatever was said, I don't care about that. Yeah, you did do something wrong, but a lot of us have done something similar to what you did, and I won't judge you for that. People who haven't been in a situation like this are in no position to judge you. If I was never involved in a situation similar to yours, I'd be sitting here calling you an ******* too, but its a lot different when you're sitting on the other side of table. Emotions are a powerful thing, and you can't always be held down by what you said in a church to your wife and "God." That's complete bullshit, just religious crap people use to make you feel bad about yourself. Married or not married, if you're in a relationship its your job to stay faithful to the person you're with, but sometimes we do what feels right and that's not always the "right" thing to do. We're all human, we all make mistakes, and I don't why people feel the urge to bring the religion card into every situation like this.

[Hugo Pickle]

Now, in reference to all this crap about you having done something wrong, betraying God or whatever was said, I don't care about that

If you don’t care about God and religion then you shouldn’t care about getting married. Why the hell did you get married if you don’t give a damn about religion? Put your money where your mouth is, did you tell your wife all this before you went to the alter? Yeah, I hope then if she is religious then she uses what you just said to divorce you and get your marriage annulled.

Emotions are a powerful thing, and you can't always be held down by what you said in a church to your wife and "God." That's complete bullshit, just religious crap people use to make you feel bad about yourself

You can’t be held down by what you say huh? Wow, do you know what a verbal contract is? Even a regular contract is you writing down what you say your going to do. You must be twelve. Guess what, its legal and yeah, you are held down buy it. And once again back to the first point, if you don’t give a damn about what you say your going to do, then don’t take a legal wife and friggen say your going to do something (vows).

You can’t be held down by what you say. Man that really takes the cake. You obviously have no idea about things. Do you know what a professional license is? Guess what, it is what you say your going to do, and you are held down by it. Do you know what a confesion is? Guess what, it's what you say you did, and you are held down by it. Do you know what liability is? Guess what, it's you being held responsible for what you say you're going to do when you do not do it. Do you know waht allimony is? Man, I am so glad that you made this post and showed everyone your true side.

and I don't why people feel the urge to bring the religion card into every situation like this.

Drag God into things? Lol, Marriage is a religious ceremony if you didn't know, and it is legally binding. Without the church there would be no marriage. man i don't even know why i wasted my time on you at all. You obviously don't have a clue.

[gHEXjt]

Now, before I start, keep in mind that if you heard me saying this, you would hear it in a very unconfrontational way. I'm not trying to start a fight here. Everybody's entitled to their opinion on this stuff. And no, I'm not married, nor have I ever been. A little young for that. I respect your opinion on what happened because I'm not an advocate of cheating and think cheating is awful, married or not, but I also know people make mistakes. Bottom line Hugo, Crazyhorse came in asking about whether or not he should attempt to have a friendship w/someone he had an affair with. Right off the bat most would say he shouldn't, and I think he shouldn't too. But he said this was not just someone he slept with, but someone who was an important friend of his before the affair. He had an affair, but did not come in here asking about what people's opinions are on that matter. He didn't ask for a lesson about his morals.

If he came in here and was asking, "Is it okay that I keep banging a woman on the side, even though we're both married?" I'd completely agree w/your response, but that was not the topic of this thread, and he came in here looking for advice because regardless of the affair, this is an important person to him and he doesn't want to lose her friendship. What happened is over and done with. I think a lot of the time, people here on LF invite others to come in and bash what they've done or are doing, but I don't think it was even slightly the case here, and I thought it was uncalled for that you jumped all over his back about the affair he had, considering that portion of the relationship is over. That's it. You tell it like it like you see it, and I respect that regardless of whether or not I agree, I just felt that in this case, you harshly answered a question he didn't ask, and didn't want the answer to.

[shh!]

nice post, ghexjt.

[gHEXjt]

Thanks a lot shh!

[clynn]

Yes, gHEXjt, good post.

crazyhorse - I think that staying away from her, even in a friendship sense would be best. I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine and it reminded me of a story she once told me:

That she quit a job she had to save her marriage.
At that job, she met someone she had incredible attraction to. They never consummated the relationship, and her husband didn't know, but she feared something might happen and didn't want to tempt herself. As many years have passed since then, she said that she is glad she did what she did. Her husband is her life partner, she no longer has as much in common with the other guy as she doesn't work with him anymore.

You will meet many people in your life and every once in a while you might meet someone you are attracted to and have a lot in common with and connect with. I'm sure that at one time you felt this person was your wife.

And I'm sure you can again - if you work at it some.

Someone said something smart like this:

Falling in love happens by fate
Staying in love is work
Working for love is a choice

[crazyhorse]

gee....u seem to be carried away to who u r answering.....dont take us guysto heart who dont share the god scene.......this the dumping section, thats whats topical.......we are well aware of religion butsometimes u just oughttobe a little more human andnot just a puppet foryour beliefs...i dontbelieve in god or the bible and itwas a civil marriage...sorry bro...illusions shattered....the bible is just another paperback......chaos rules

[crazyhorse]

by the way, thanx for all the constructive help. i have taken it on board and will use it wisely...friends are hard to come by....we all make **** ups but i feel very strongly about this one and to save it rather than lose it would be better...it may take time but that is where maturity, wisdom and understanding shouldprevailif all is true...i dont like to lose anything..... i know u all understand...:-]]

[Rosebud]

WOW ghexjt! Even I'm impressed! Good post!

[Hugo Pickle]

Awe, I'm sorry man, I guess I was just supposed to overlook the fact that you got married without even believing in God. Now, you cheated on your wife, and after the fact, you want advice about what to do. Wow, that’s just great, so I am supposed to simply forget the fact that you never should have told your supposed loved one that you would honor and cherish them because religion and vows means nothing to you. I am supposed to simply say that you should not see your mistress anymore.

Awe I’m sorry man, I guess you can't take the truth that you never should have gotten married in the first place. I guess you can't take the truth that you lied to your wife about your vows and that’s where your entire problem lies. You don't want advice, because if that were true you would have come to us before you got married, you would have talked to us before you cheated on your wife. But no, you just did what you were going to do and now you’re getting belligerent and defensive about your infidelity. You are actually defending the fact that you cheated on your wife and that you are not religious so your vows were meaningless. You’re a real piece of work pal.

Here is my advice for you, tell your wife everything that you told me. Tell her that you never really meant your vows because you don’t even believe in God. Tell her that you cheated on her, and tell her that you feel that all this is just something that happens. It is just something that everyone does. I hope she divorces you. Better yet, tell me her email and I will tell her all this for you.

Want some more advice? How about you start being honest with your wife. Is that good enough advice for you? You know what, your just another person is isn't worth a scrap of my effort. I hope that one day your wife comes to this conclusion as well.

[Illusional]

two things that i see, first...

i actually side with pickle in that you can't change the fact that you messed up. now with that in mind, i usually am the same type of person to mess things up, however i am always willing to deal with the problem that arises. so you cheated on your wife, trust me, there are a lot of bigger problems in this world, and that is the frame of mind that you will have to look at this. let me ask you a question, have you told your wife that you cheated on her? is the guilt really getting to you? and i know that you miss your lover but when you really think about it, who do you want to be with? if it's your lover, then by all means leave her, however if you want to be with your wife, i think that you will have to be unfront with her and take the conswquences, that is what being a man is about.

second thing, i personally don't care about religion. i never give it a second thought. legally, i'm not sure if you can get married without a bible present, but i'm not 100 percent sure of this. now pickle was talking about repent and asking for forgiveness, but not everyone thinks this way. sure pickle, you love to life your life and so do i, however not everyone turns to god and asks for forgiveness. you have your beliefs and he does his own. when you really think about it, getting marriage in front of a preist is probably the only known method which is why everyone does it. now i don't wanna get into an argument about religion because i feel that it's a waste of my breath, however bottom line... to each their own.

raverboy

[crazyhorse]

if its any consolation i do feel guilty & i dont want to get back with my ex lover....perhaps i am being naive about the possibility of friendship afterwards but thats all i wanted.....then again i think she was all for the idea of friendship too but a lot of water would probably have to pass under the bridge first before that could ever happen i guess.......we need space

[crazyhorse]

things seem to be stabilising a bit at work now and life at home is getting better. it is very hard to just go cold turkey after 2 years of seeing someone whether it is right or wrong., thats just human nature. it can be hard especially hen i see her 3 times a week at work...that just makes you think of stuff but im sure she does too......we have exchanged hellos a few times and she asked me if things were ok and so did i but there was that feelin of tension, y'know, but thats all.....i do wish sometimes we could be friends like we were before we crossed the line, perhaps i am an eternal optimist, i dunno....i did foolishly send her an email to say this but got no reply......ok u probably think im stupid for doin that but u do what u do