Romance / Arousal Advice Needed

[lahnnabell]

How active are you in your home life? Meaning how often do you cook dinner, or clean up the house, do the dishes, or take the kids off her hands for a few hours, if not a whole day? Sounds like she might be missing HER time. If setting goals for herself is what might help her gain some self-confidence, then she needs support from the other side in order to make that time. If she spends each and every day with the kids and catering to them, she is going to forget that she needs to be cared for as well, whether it is by her, or you. She can't possibly tend to her own needs efficiently if she's putting her kids first all the time. HERE is where you come in.

You don't even have to explicitly state that you're giving her time to do her own thing. You could take the kids out for the day sometime and just tell her to relax. Maybe book a spa day for her, or better yet drop the kids off with the grandparents (if that's possible) and GIVE her a spa day yourself. Does she ever talk about missing any of her friends or family members? Or a hobby that she let fall by the wayside?

[lahnnabell]

Oh, and I have to admit that simply saying, "You're beautiful" is boring and meaningless after a while. When I hear that from guys, I tend to roll my eyes and what other original thoughts they have. Is this kind of bitchy? Yes. But I realized that the men who give me these run of the mill compliments are the same guys I lose interest in very easily. I very much prefer it when my boyfriend picks out something specific about me to compliment. We went shopping together once (a RARE occasion for both of us!) and he offered to buy me some shirts that I really liked and that he thought would look good on me. When we got home I threw one on to see what he thought. I asked him, "Looks good?" His eyes widened and he nodded slowly as if my beauty were some unearthly creation. I felt amazing. Body language and facial expressions say a lot and you don't really have to say anything at all

[Sambo]

How active are you in your home life?

I do what I can. When I get home I bath / shower the kids and put them to bed, mornings aren't generally a good time for me to be trying to help as I have to get off to work etc. I do dishes (which I admit I'm not ultra brilliant at remembering) & take out the trash etc and occasionally help her out with washing etc. I am also responsible for the garage / outdoors stuff. I probably could do more but there is only so much time during the week and in the weekends we try to relax as much as possible. I would say we have a fairly even division of labor around the house, but there is a lot to do.

She is a very creative person and is into stamping, sewing, knitting, spinning, craft type stuff etc, some of which has fallen by the wayside lately. I like your idea about giving her a day to herself and have suggested as much to her in the past, but she says she'd 'feel weird' being alone in the house. I would also like to have the kids stay with relatives etc for a weekend at some stage soon, however this is not convenient for most of our relatives right now. I might try at least to give her a 'day off at home' where she just has to sit and I do all the work, perhaps sometime during a weekend.

[lahnnabell]

You can even take baby steps. While you're lying on the couch at night, winding down, give her a foot massage. It's a little thing that feels good and the kids can still be present. Growing up my mother used touch as a very strong way to express her affection for us. She, my sister, and I would pile onto the couch to watch the Discovery channel and my mom would rub our feet and hands. It was the best bonding time in the world and it required no words.

Nowadays I've learned that in order to be happy in a relationship, I must be with a man that is very comfortable with non-sexual touching (as well as sexual touching ). My current boyfriend is very adept at this because he grew up in the same type of loving environment that I did. We lavish attention on each other in a non-sexual way all the time. He's always complaining about back pain and I'm more than happy to give him a massage. I'll even sneak up behind him and start massaging his shoulders while he's watching the game. I relish it when he gets that relaxed, sleepy look on his face.

You say she likes crafty stuff? Maybe every once in a while you could help her add to those hobbies. Get her a cool knitting or craft book. There is a cool book that you can pick up at Barnes & Noble called "Wreck this Journal". It's a journal with different creative instructions on every page. It'll say something like, "Write down one fantasy on this page", and so forth.

[Sambo]

Oh, and I have to admit that simply saying, "You're beautiful" is boring and meaningless after a while. ... I very much prefer it when my boyfriend picks out something specific about me to compliment

Yes, I have learned this about women. It doesn't come naturally tho so I have to keep reminding myself that '<grunt>, sexy womaaaaaan!' isn't the most effective use of my vocabulary. I'll try to remember to dish out little comments during the day tho. Thanks for the reminder

I'd really like to 'date' my wife more often. I don't really like shopping per-say, but I know she does and I really enjoy just walking through the mall with her holding her hand & cuddling with her & generally just being physically close to her so it kind of works out for both of us (as long as I'm not stuck for hours in a shoe shop or something, but that doesn't happen often). I guess this might not be practical very often in our current stage in life, but I guess this will improve as time goes on.

I see what you guys are saying tho about basically getting her out of the daily kids / washing / housework grind and giving her a chance to be an adult & remember who she is and who I am again. I guess it's reconnecting with herself and our relationship.

[Sambo]

give her a foot massage

Heh, I think my wife is quite lucky in this respect, she gets foot massages probably every 2nd or 3rd night on average Basically whenever we're watching TV together.