Originally Posted by
PainIsTemporary
Here is the problem, she is married and has a young daughter. I fight constantly with myself as to what I should do...
1. Leave her as she is - leave our friendship intact and keep my feelings to myself
2. Tell her how I feel, but let her know I expect nothing from her as I know her situation is complicated. (I just can't bare to not tell her how special she is)
3. Leave my job, distance myself from her in the hope that my feelings dissipate. (What if she is "the one")
4. Wait it out, however long it takes and see where her relationship goes (She has told me various things like she doesn't trust hubby and that its hard to say that you can be with the same person forever)
I'm certain she couldn't get on with her husband as good as she does with me. It seems like becoming pregnant with their daughter meant they got married by default.
What you think you know about her... you don't. All your interactions are happening through the lens of desire and fantasy and your work interactions, which are nothing like day-to-day of a marriage. If you were married to her, things would be very different. Now, that doesn't mean you aren't compatible. It means, you should be examining very carefully your motives for wanting her, and her you.
I would say to keep this to yourself. You don't really know each other (a year is nothing). Educate yourself about emotional affairs (google it).
If you are really stuck on her though, here is what you do to get resolution:
1. Tell her your feelings. *Don't* confess and sleep together. That story is old as the hills and never ends well. Remember - how it starts is how it will end. If you start with cheating and disrespect, it will end this way. Beware.
2. Once she knows how you feel, tell her you can't be her friend. You can't--you have feelings for her. Anything else would be dishonest. Say that if she ever becomes single, to contact you. Then say goodbye. That's it.
3. Date other women. If she divorces him, decide then what you want to do. But don't put your life on hold for (as someone told me recently) a 'what if'. Life goes on.
If she really loves you, and if her marriage problems are truly dealbreakers (do you really want someone to leave their marriage for you, and not her own reasons?), she will divorce him.
Meantime, date other women (hear the echo?). Hope this helps.
Oh, another option is to chase her until you get her to sleep with you. There are some here who will advocate that, if only to find out if she will cheat. Personally, I think that stinks, but it is another way to go.
PS - if she does leave him (doubtful), post here and tell us. There are guys on here who will have good advice on how to handle things so you don't end up her e-tampon or a rebound.
Second thoughts can generally be amended with judicious action; injudicious actions can seldom be recovered with second thoughts.
--Cyteen by C.J.Cherryh