Hello everyone! plus, a love emergency..

[Lloyd95]

Tone, I thought I was your efriend?

[Rosebud]

Well Tone.. you complain that I don't say hi and then when I do, you ignore me....

I guess your really not my e-friend!

[Tiay]

I've done some more research on commitment phobia.. and i'm realising more and more that this might definitely be an issue with him.

The classic pattern for a commitment phobic person is that in the beginning of a relationship they initially selflessly give everything to make their partner happy and to spend time with them. I mean, everybody does this in the beginning to some degree. and nobody says "I wish your hair was blonde/whatever" at the beginning.

But they just can't say no to their partners wishes, fearing that otherwise the partner will be hurt and reject them. They do this without any hint that maybe they feel it's asking a bit much of them. Thus, the partner feels everything is just dandy with the relationship.

But after a while they just can't keep limiting their freedom forever, they're trapped between having to either keep limiting themselves, thus building up resentment, or not limiting themselves, thus hurting their partner. And they set up to this situation in every new relationship.

When they ask their partner to 'backtrack', to take back some of the things they gave, the partner feels it's unfair that they weren't told this from the beginning. Or at least, somewhere nearer the beginning!! for instance, if I had known he needed a casual relationship from the beginning, I might have chosen to pursue the other friend/relationship I had at the time. I don't know if I would have or not since, but I certainly feel like I wasn't given all the information at the time.

And it's not just in relationships .. I mean, he's 22 and he has so many vastly different career options open to him without really committing to any particular one. I know this could be a coincidence, but often those things are gradually influenced by our choices. Incidentally, I knew roughly what I was going to do career wise when I was 16, what i've been doing now is mainly just fine tuning.

this is the article:
[url]http://www.articlebiz.com/article/798-1-commitment-phobia-are-you-commitment-phobic/[/url]

a lot of puzzle pieces came together when I read that, and I mailed it to him. And he mostly agreed with it, too. He even said that he might have 'partially' set himself up for this situation. I don't want to blame him for being the way he is, though. I don't feel like he based the relationship on a lie or anything, I mean, at the time we didn't even know that I was going to college. I just want to be able to understand what's going on so that we can resolve it, and this has helped a lot.

[misombra]

dump him.

...and welcome.

[Tiay]

dump him.

...and welcome.

well.. you don't know him.. he's too good to just let go. And we could never really stop being friends.

[Tone]

Lloyd ... do you mean it..? I never thought someone as smart as you would accept someone as... well... "Intermediate Algebra" - need I say more....

Well Tone.. you complain that I don't say hi and then when I do, you ignore me....

I guess your really not my e-friend!

Excuse me - [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t10992-i-think-the-gallery-threw-up.html[/url]

Check POST NUMBER TWO in the above...

well.. you don't know him.. he's too good to just let go. And we could never really stop being friends.

Sorry to say, but this statement really shows your age. You've obviously made up your own mind on what you want to do, you asked for our advice, but everything we say you have a rebuttal for... but it's your life, so it should be your decision.

I wish you the best luck, and I REALLY do hope we're all wrong here and this works out for you.

[Lloyd95]

Sorry to say, but this statement really shows your age. You've obviously made up your own mind on what you want to do, you asked for our advice, but everything we say you have a rebuttal for... but it's your life, so it should be your decision.

I was typing that as you posted! More or less.

Tone-J/K around, Im really stupid too. Maybe stupider.

[Tone]

Well now who is gonna be my LF role model????????????

[Tiay]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way, though I think you're partially right. To me, talking about it here with you have helped me come to new realisations, though, and I don't regret that. I hope you don't feel i've wasted your time completely :(.. it was never my intention.

[Tiay]

and can't you all be e-friends? :P

[vashti]

Tiay, I think you ought to be careful about getting sucked into a bunch of psycho-babble when trying to figure out why this guy wants to take a step back.

I know why it is easy to call him "commitment phobic"; this means he has a problem that can be "fixed", and once you "fix" him, your life together will be perfect and you get to be the "hero" for seeing him through it all.

However, it is very possible that he simply doesn't want to commit to YOU, and lacks the nerve to tell you. I know this may be painful to consider, and I sometimes think people tend to try to analyze someone else to avoid having to feel the pain of rejection.

[Rosebud]

Tone, I was talking about this thread! So excuse yourself!!!! LOL

[Tiay]

Tiay, I think you ought to be careful about getting sucked into a bunch of psycho-babble when trying to figure out why this guy wants to take a step back.

I know why it is easy to call him "commitment phobic"; this means he has a problem that can be "fixed", and once you "fix" him, your life together will be perfect and you get to be the "hero" for seeing him through it all.

However, it is very possible that he simply doesn't want to commit to YOU, and lacks the nerve to tell you. I know this may be painful to consider, and I sometimes think people tend to try to analyze someone else to avoid having to feel the pain of rejection.

Vashti, :)

well.. I don't feel it is just babble. He agrees with it, and also said that he doesn't like the concept of commitment in general. I agree though that you can't just label somebody as being commitment phobic and just relate that to every single thing they do, since people are just more complicated than that.

also, if he didn't want to commit to me specifically, it'd be very easy for him to gradually just drift away since physically he lives so far away. He felt bad all day today about possibly having upset me, until we both had time to talk about it and he found that I understood. Again, if he didn't care, he could just have .. well, not cared about my feelings. Not to mention how much time he makes for me; to talk for hours every evening and over his lunch break at work, virtually every day? I can't believe anybody would be so afraid to reject somebody that they went to so much trouble to hide it. I can't really express how sensitive to my feelings he is, all the time.

I do thank you for your well thought-out advice though. I agree that you have to consider even the painful things to find the truth. Otherwise, you're just lying to yourself. And often, only other people can really bring them up, even if they're sitting in the back of your mind already.

[G-TEX]

Welcome to LoveForum!
Were exactly in Europe do You live ??

[Tiay]

north west though I'd prefer not to get too specific.