She just ignores.

[CambridgeGuy]

Well, the situation is quite complex, more than I understand fully and more than I can attempt to explain here. Only she knows why she is not communicating and maybe she doesn't even know fully. I agree with Wakeup when he says, "IMO.. She owed him an explanation at least once. If after that he didn't accept what she had to say then she could put him on ignore. Yes, her passive agressive non response screams out her intentions but her doing what she did is weak and rather of poor character." This may also speak to the complexity of the situation (i.e., she can't get a job and needs one to stay in the country and has not that great of English speaking skills). If she doesn't tell me then I get worried that she is just seriously depressed and wants/needs someone to help her which makes me more apt to contact her. She knows I care and worry about her, so she would know that by just dropping off I would think that maybe something is seriously wrong. She used to talk about suicide "jokingly."

I have always treated her very well. This was our first and only conflict. People make mistakes and considering how invested I was into her job search it doesn't seem hard for someone to see how I could have done this. A different person may have appreciated my care and concern. She told me she couldn't prepare (I have to pick up the pieces when she gets depressed and cries to me) and I wanted to know why. I really don't think that is such a huge overstepping of boundaries, but it was for her and she could have told me so and I would know not to push her like that in the future. I'm not sure if I am/was obsessed with her or obsessed with her getting a job (I put so much into it and was not happy with the result, I failed as well) or both.


I also agree that I should not contact her for at least a month and maybe never. Obviously she needs space for whatever her reason. I will decide at a months time if I think it would be good to try to contact her (she really is dealing with a lot).

Thanks for all the input.

[searock]

Do you have romantic feelings for her or not? If you do, she knows it.

If you do not have romantic feelings for her, then perhaps she really is ignoring you because of depression, and in this case she might not be against you contacting her (which still doesn't mean that you should).

[CambridgeGuy]

I care(d) for her as very close friend. Until she got a job and I knew she could handle more than friends I did not allow myself to really consider it (I was in a very similar situation looking for a job and would not even consider a romantic relationship). I always treated her with great respect.

The peace that I am starting to feel now indicates that I was not romantically attracted to her, at least was not yet, but there was definitely a strong possibility. For me I have to be romantic to solidify my romantic feelings, until that happens it is just a possibility.

I really can't continue to contact her for my own peace. I tried to contact her 3x in the last month. She knows I am (or was) here for her. I'm not sure if I would even respond if she did try to contact me unless it was a cry for help (which she will not do overtly). I can only do so much and I have done more than (too much) enough.

I haven't felt this peaceful and happy in a very long time.

[searock]

Good for you then :-).

[basilandthyme]

CambridgeGuy, the others are most likely right. However, allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment.

In this fight, did you call her any rude names or express any blunt thoughts about her behaviour? Because I can promise you, if a friend called me a rude name during an argument, I wouldn't bother with an explanation as to my ongoing absense either.

[CambridgeGuy]

I did text, "you treat me like a creep at times."

I felt that she did, and it just wasn't this instance. She has known me for over a year, has come over 100s of times and still was standoffish at times. As I said before, I apologized. The whole interaction was a mistake. I think I was just tired of giving so much and got mistrust, secrecy and weirdness in return. I actually think these are the reasons she can't get a job and maybe I was trying to show her something that she needed to finally get what she wants. She has something that is coming across in interviews. She is very smart and is very well prepared. I'm really a good guy and don't like to be to made to feel like I'm not.

No name calling.

[searock2]

And she started ignoring you after that text? If she treats you like a creep, she most likely thinks you are a creep.

[CambridgeGuy]

Yep, she didn't respond to that.

I did text her like a week later to see how she was and she responded, "I'm fine, I hope you are doing great." I responded, "I'm well now that I know you are ok and the election is over How were the interviews?" Then she said, "I didn't have any interviews."

Nothing after that.

I realize I made a mistake, I'm not perfect, but I am really nice guy (too nice). She has said much worse things to me for instance, "I'm going to see this guy because he as a job." This was when I was looking. I didn't trip.

Nobody is perfect, I would hope that she would/could forgive me for one misstep in a whole year. Nothing I can do now except move on. I've learned my lesson, which is to have solid boundaries no matter how desperate the person is. This was my main mistake that led to all the above. Sorry I'm not perfect.

[searock2]

Look, the fact that you had never "fought" before doesn't mean that all was well. I bet she's been thinking that you were creepy and invasive for a long time, she just didn't want to be a jerk and tell you upfront to leave her alone.

You should have got the message a long time ago... for example, when she told you that she was going to see this guy because he has a job (knowing full well that in that moment you were jobless), she clearly wanted to let you know that she isn't interested. Seeing as you continued to be her doormat, she was left with no other choice but to explicitly tell you to leave her alone, or start ignoring you in hopes you finally understood that she doesn't want you around.

[CambridgeGuy]

Well, the thing was that we were both preparing to get a job at the time. I found she didn't. The prep that we did helped me to get a job, which was what I wanted and what I got.

I remember I even told her 2x a while back that I didn't want to see her (because we were both competing for the same jobs and she was getting interviews after I told her about the company and my interviews). She persisted and as I am overly nice I decided to still see her.

What she said was rude, we were friends trying to get jobs and I got one and she is still jobless. This happened like 9 months ago.

Additionally, we have been out to dinner, lunch, movies, walks many times. I have met her brother from her country at her graduation dinner.

I have changed a lot since recently. I lost like 30lbs and am now in good shape. I think that the mental weight that I was carrying in putting up with her I also wanted to lose. Ever since our fight I have really got in great shape.

This was the context of the whole relationship until the end. There is something strange about her that I sense and I think companies are picking up on as well. You can't get by with the behavior that she exhibits in the business world. You can't treat people badly (mistrust, secrecy and weirdness) for no good reason. As I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even apologized. But hence, the nice guy willing to do too much (not anymore).

I'll probably hear from her after a while.