Can anyone help please ? I’m really struggling here, advice please !

[Gigabitch]

Well, what about the fact that your wife just bailed on you with no warning?

[IndiReloaded]

Its understandable he'd be looking for companionship. No matter the troubles in their marriage, a sudden bailout like that would be a major kick in the balls. She must've been planning her exit for a while to just take off like that.

Really, Struggling? No mention ever about her issues with you? No going to counselling, nothing like that ever? I'd have to say that's pretty heartless of a partner if that's so.

[Struggling02]

Hi

My wife and I were kinda going through a bad patch (which, like an idiot, I didnt see at the time), I have a company, and due to the recession, I was really struggling to get paid from customers, so I was worried about making ends meet, being a success, paying the bills etc, and coming home in a foul mood sometimes, there were little arguments over tiny things, we were taking each other for granted etc. My wife had been seeing this for a few weeks / months, and instead of looking at WHY there was a problem (In the cold light of day, afterwards, it was pretty obvious), we had a little disagreement one day and she just snapped, said "thats it ! I'm off" and went to her sisters for a few days, then got an apartment near where she works, in another town. No ultimatum, no talking, no "cooling off Period", no opportunity for me to see what was happening and put it right, no counselling, nothing. I know she was not planning it beforehand, as she left lots of things and had to come back for them, didn't have anywhere to go arranged in advance, etc. she is the kind of girl who never talks about her feelings, so just sat in silence, building up resentment more and more, until one day she just snapped at me and left, out of the blue. I didnt even know she had left me, thinking maybe a couple of days apart would make us see what was happening and we would make up. I had a major re-think about my life, quit the business and got a good paying job instead, etc etc. After a week (I didnt know at the time where she had gone), I recieved a phone call from her friend who was drunk, asking to speak to my wife, saying she had heard we had split up, I replied "have we?" I was never told, but kinda worked it out for myself as time went by that she wasnt coming back, and I had screwed up.

Yes, it happened just before the christmas holidays, which I spent alone in the house, devastated and upset, relaying conversations we had had over in my head, and slowly realising that I should have spotted warning signs there that we were in trouble, and saved things earlier.

I tried to get in touch a couple of times, and just got stone wall silence. she has said she is not interested at all in talking to me, and I have received a letter from a lawyer saying they are representing her and are commencing divorce proceedings against me.

I am a realist, and know she isnt coming back, ever. I am not holding out hope for her, she has obviously made up her mind . I accepted and admitted that I screwed up, have looked at myself very closely indeed (with the help of a counsellor) and seen my errors and worked/am working to resolve them, and feel a better person for it. I just wish I had seen all this BEFORE she made the decision, and she had said something before walking.

Yes, indereloaded, I guess I just want come companionship. Of course I now have a lot of time on my hands, which I don't want to spend around the house dwelling on things, getting down. I have kick started my hobbies again, got in touch with old friends, doing well at my job, but someone to have a drink with, call and chat to, maybe go to the movies, would be great i think. nothing serious or heavy, just come companionship once in a while.

[Struggling02]

and on the other subject, the girl from work, I have decided to do...nothing.

We all know shes a bit strange, using me, and a little undecided/immature/playing games etc, and I am far too vulnerable etc at the moment to join in with nonsense like that, nor be her victim either. Ill jsut casually act normal, and happy, around the workplace (no bad atmosphere, difficult conversations etc) with her and everyone else, but I wont strike up, or encourage, ANY kind of extra contact. if she lets it lie like that, fine, everyone is happy. If she confronts me and asks why, Ill say she is beautiful but WAYY too young for me, the same age as my niece, that I was out of sorts, vulnerable and It wont happen again. if she wants to be friends after that, cool, if not and just wants to have a working relationship and no more, thats cool too.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow, Struggling that's some crap that happened.

As a long-married person, I understand that couple's issues don't happen in a vacuum. That said, I think your wife has some *serious* communication issues to just walk without warning like that. She makes snap decisions based on her feelings, and that is a very irresponsible way to handle a marriage (or anything, really). Is she somewhat unstable? Maybe you were neglectful and distracted, it certainly sounds like it, but if that was the sum total of your sins then you totally got the crap kicked out of you by her. You should spend some time thinking about how you want to deal with that.

How long have you been married? I am assuming you don't have any children? If so, then I would say her actions are completely irresponsible.

[Struggling02]

Hi, indereloaded, please find answers below :


As a long-married person, I understand that couple's issues don't happen in a vacuum. That said, I think your wife has some *serious* communication issues to just walk without warning like that.

I certainly agree with that comment !!

She makes snap decisions based on her feelings, and that is a very irresponsible way to handle a marriage (or anything, really). Is she somewhat unstable? Maybe you were neglectful and distracted, it certainly sounds like it, but if that was the sum total of your sins then you totally got the crap kicked out of you by her. You should spend some time thinking about how you want to deal with that.

I was neglectful and distracted, very much so, and have admitted and apologised for that many times.in what way do you mean I should deal with that ? Theres not much I can do about it, apart from get used to having been dumped !

How long have you been married? I am assuming you don't have any children? If so, then I would say her actions are completely irresponsible.

No, no kids. We met in 2001, married in 2003.

Its taking a lot of time and energy to keep myself sane etc after everything thats happened, I hope I continue doing OK.

[IndiReloaded]

I was neglectful and distracted, very much so, and have admitted and apologised for that many times.in what way do you mean I should deal with that ? Theres not much I can do about it, apart from get used to having been dumped !

I mean if that is what was happening, and she didn't try to communicate her needs to you, then I would consider that there might be more going on than what she is telling you. It was a criticism of her, not you. Marriage = commitment & from where I sit, she doesn't sound all that committed. You got burned in this regard.

FWIW, if this is how she intends to deal with problems in a relationship, she will have this same problem again in the future, if not with you then with someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is either a) seeing someone else (have you checked/asked?) or b) will 'snap back out of it' and contact you having decided she made a mistake. I think you would be within your rights to be very wary at that point. If this happens, I would insist on counseling before attempting a reconciliation.

Not excusing you, but your actions (or lack of) were done in ignorance without malice, sounds like. Hers were deliberate and destructive. Again, something to think about.

At least you don't have kids paying for this mess. That is something to be thankful for. Good luck, S. Post here to vent if it helps & keeps you out of trouble with the almost jail-bait.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Indi completely. If you're telling us the whole story, then you got burned. Hard. Your ex sounds quite odd. I think she's got someone else and wants YOU to feel bad about the fact that she ditched you.

Yes, you neglected her. She should have said her needs weren't being met, not just packed up and stormed out, never to return.