Relationship Routine!

[smilingeyes]

MY GOD, THIS IS A LIST OF ALL THE GREATEST IDEAS I HAVE EVER HEARD!

Really????? wow, you need to get with someone with an imagination.... that is just a tiny partial list of things to do. I've tons of others

[TAVS]

I had that happen with my Ex after 4yrs together. Didn't realize the problem until it was too late and now it's over.

Life goes on

I too have learned a valuable lesson. Well I already knew the lesson, but didnt appreciate it.

[Rosebud]

I stopped doing things awhile back but several months ago I started back up again. We just last month hit our 4 yr mark and I made him dinner and served everything to him naked. He enjoyed it very much and I'm glad he did and he likes when I do these things. But I would also like for him to surprise me in the same way by little things. I have never pointed a finger at him and blamed him for this because that's not the case. It's both of us and if we want to change both of us have to do something about it. I have just asked him if he noticed the routine and he said yes saometimes and then we would talk from there on what we were going to do about it. But it all boils down like this:

- I initiate everything ( we both enjoy it, but he never starts anything so it makes me feel as though he doesn't want me like I want him.)
-I do all kinds of things sexually to him and he won't even touch me while I'm doing it, he'll just get off and then I'm stuck with nothing even when I have mentioned it makes me get into it more.
-I clean and take care of our daughter all day every day, when he comes home he gets on the computer to watch his fantasy league for a couple hours, and then watches tv, and won't help me with anything if he sees I'm stressed out. This one has been an ongoing fight for a long time because I have wanted to get a job or do something and haven't been able to because of certain situations that we both accepted ( care of our daughter and money at the time.) But when I ask him for a little help like to change her diaper, and he won't do it, he tells me he works all day and wants to relax and all I do is sit around and I can do whatever I want. Which bothers me because I work too I just don't leave the house and I don't get breaks where I get to leave for an hour. grrrrrrrrr..

Anywho, now that I've been rambling on here and probably boring the hell out of you guys, I thank you guys for your advice and I'm still going to keep doing these things and hope something will change but if you ahve anymore advice for me please share I'm always willing to hear what people have to say!!!!!!

[giulia]

O my god.What is WRONG with him? I just think this is so SELFISH. here you are breaking your back for him, and he does..........nothing. No way. I think you dealt with it really well, but he is obviously completely oblivious, and seems to want his cake, eat it AND get it for free.

Please sit him down for a Serious Chat. If he doesn't wake up soon I think you should move on. I mean, you are really trying! I'm so angry for you.

Realtionships are a 2way street.He is being so selfish, and you shouldn't stand for it. Let us know what happens!!!! *luck*

[Junsui]

Awww Rosebud, I know how frustrating that is. The initiating thing, I'm going through the same problem. He needs to be touching you as well, that just isn't fair and like giulia said he's being selfish. I know you have talked with him about this before and make sure you are getting through to him how much this hurts you. I know that when you have to do everything sexually, you feel like they don't want you and just do it because you want to, not because they want it as well. It can really tear at your self esteem and make you feel like crap. Has he always been this way? Or did things change at some point? It is a tough job staying at home and taking care of a baby, it's too bad that the one working outside of the home usually can't see that. I don't know how to help you there. You can always try couples therapy if things don't improve.

[giulia]

ooh, couples therapy might help. Thats a good idea. I don't want you to be upset. Do you think he will be willing to either go to therapy or will listen to you if you talk to him with a harder approach?

[Rosebud]

It is hard to deal with emotionally for me. And yes it's very frustrating. I don't want you guys to think he's this horrible person because he really isn't. We do have fun together, I mean we joke around a lot to keep conversation alive, and he calls me like 20 times a day when he's at work just to say hi and that he loves me. I agree he's being very selfish and he is selfish in a lot of ways which I know. He was not like this earlier in the realtionship, this changed around the time I got pregnant which I can see why it changed. I mean that's understandable but that was 2 years ago. I lost all my baby weight within the first week my daughter was born and was right back to my normal figure. I don't want to sound like I'm glowing about myself but I've tried rationalizing thinking maybe I wasn't sexy enough after I had My daughter but my body is exactly like it was before I got pregnant.

I have thought the birth may have had some effect on our sex life but when I have asked him, he would say at first at did but now he looks at me like the first time he saw me. He is a very hard person to get through to, when we have talked I ahve told him I ahve been upset by all this and gotten to the point to where I was crying on several occassions and he would hug me and reassure me that I'm beautiful and say all those good things but nothing would change. I wouldn't know what else to say to him to get him to understand how I really feel. I finally bluntly told him the other day if he wanted for me to go down on him... he had to return the favor, he smiled and said ok... hmmm, still waiting on that one!!!

[Rosebud]

ooh, couples therapy might help. Thats a good idea. I don't want you to be upset. Do you think he will be willing to either go to therapy or will listen to you if you talk to him with a harder approach?

I wouldn't mind doing that, but he looks at that stuff as a joke and I think he would be really insulted and refuse to go. He's the type that doesn't ask for help and never looks at directions!!!!

[Junsui]

Ahhh lol, that's not unusual. You can only talk so much before things have to actually change. I didn't think he was a bad person. I'm sure he loves you very much. Does he get stressed at work or anything? Is he depressed? I know having a baby changes things, but your sex life together should return. Maybe he just doesn't know how to change things?

[Rosebud]

Ahhh lol, that's not unusual. You can only talk so much before things have to actually change. I didn't think he was a bad person. I'm sure he loves you very much. Does he get stressed at work or anything? Is he depressed? I know having a baby changes things, but your sex life together should return. Maybe he just doesn't know how to change things?

yes Junsui he does get stressed or at least he used to, today is his last day at his old place and he starts a new job on Monday that he's very happy about so hopefully that will change a little. He does get depressed but he would never admit it to me. When I ask if he's ok? he says yeah I'm just kinda blah? But he won't tell me what he's upset about unless it's a big issue. He wants to fix it himself ya know?? guys! I tell ya!! Yes having a baby does change a lot but we have gotten closer since then and which is why It hink you hit it right on by saying he doesn't know how to change these things. Don't take me as though I'm trying to change him because I would never ask that of anyone, I'm just trying to make things better for us both but I think you giys know that.

I try to help him but with him being the kind that has to fix it himself and without knowing how to...... I'm kinda set back as well. I've tried reading books and watching Dr. Phil...LOL Ugh, I wish I could just do a search and find the answer right there in bold letters....

[shh!]

Damn, I typed a lengthy response but the computer crashed before it posted. Basically, I said that this sounds within the range of "normal" for a four year relationship. It is human nature to take things for granted after four years - romance and dating emotions are transitory (especially for most men). Sorry, but I suggest you either get used to it, or since you aren't married, move on, but expect that it will happen again at some point after a lengthy relationship.

[Junsui]

lol Dr Phil, I'm sorry, but I hate that guy. That's fantastic he'll be starting a new job that he's excited about, I really think that will help. I understand that mentality of wanting to fix things on your own, he just needs to learn to ask for just a tiny bit of help sometimes. I definitely don't see this as you trying to change him. Compromise! That's not making someone a different person.

[Junsui]

Damn, I typed a lengthy response but the computer crashed before it posted. Basically, I said that this sounds within the range of "normal" for a four year relationship. It is human nature to take things for granted after four years - romance and dating emotions are transitory (especially for most men). Sorry, but I suggest you either get used to it, or since you aren't married, move on, but expect that it will happen again at some point after a lengthy relationship.

You're right shh! it is normal to go through periods like this in a long term relationship. Personally, if I love someone I wouldn't just move on and leave them, but I wouldn't just expect things to never change and accept being unhappy. I guess I always figure there is some hope of working through things and making both partners happy. Then again maybe I'm too naive about that

[Rosebud]

I agree with you Junsui I'm the same way. Maybe we both are naive on this who knows, but I can't give up especially with him being the father of my child. So we'll see. He's on his way home now for the weekend so I'm going to try and talk to him and see if I can make some head way over the weekend. I'll keep you guys posted on this. And please feel free to keep adding your 2 cents. I'm all ears on this one!!!! Yes i hate Dr. Phil too but I figured it couldn't hurt to hear what he had to say.. LOL oh well we'll see what happens this weekend. Thank you everyone! And Junsui you did help me a lot just even by understanding me. And I hope your situation gets better as well sweetie! Keep me posted on your's too ok!!!

[Junsui]

I hope you have a great weekend!