When Friendship ends

[IndiReloaded]

sounds like typical bullshit drama, to me. You both sound like idiots.

I agree, CB. Both roos loose in the top paddock.

Don't fight when drunk, girls. Try lesbian sex instead.

[misombra]

i think it sounds pretty controlling that you got pissed with her because she wouldn't sit with you, and that you wanted her to validate your drunken feelings, and that you tried to get her to not leave when she wanted to.

the whole thing would've made me want to run away as well.

[Rollerderby]

There's a difference between have had a few drinks and drunk. And there's a difference between drama and problems in a relationship. If you haven't had a relationship with someone on this level, you can't know what I'm talking about.

Eco, read my response to Mish on the first page. I didn't engage her. I tried to disengage her from her argument after she kept trying to get me involved in it, and get her to come sit by me. The thing that some of you guys don't seem to understand are the controls she has set on our relationship since we were children. I'm expected to be this and do that, and she is exempt.

I can agree that drinking never helps anything. But there is a difference between a dumb drunken fight, and one that opens up the true feelings of a person in their sober state. I have been in stupid drunken fights before, and have always been able to work around them, because they are dumb. This is a little different. If someone is that close to your heart, and you open your heart up to them, and they reject you, drunk, sober, day, night, purple, white, it's the same effect. These details don't change what happened.

[IndiReloaded]

Actually, even one drink (i.e. one ounce) is known to affect mood & judgement.

[Rollerderby]

Actually, even one drink (i.e. one ounce) is known to affect mood & judgement.

I agree. I'm not saying drinking is the best and brightest place to have these discussions. But a drunk mind speaks a sober heart. I was expressing my heart and she could not handle that and turned away from me. What I'm trying to express is there is a difference between being hammered and buzzed. I know I was at least in the latter category. I took her keys because I didn't know which category she was in.

[ecojeanne]

yeah but it also heightens emotions to an extreme level, which is the reason why you told her that you hated her and that she has controlled you for years. you will need to apologise for that if you want to make friends

[Rollerderby]

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I'm not a perfect person. But when I get angry, I have learned to show my anger. It's healthy to express it in a non-violent way. Anger is not something that can be bottled up. Sure, I would have much preferred to have this conversation sober, but in someways, that was an impossibility. I say that because any time I ever try to have a conversation with her, about how she makes me feel, somehow, it gets flipped back onto me. Somehow, we end up discussing me, and how much I fail in life, as opposed to what she can do to recognize her own dealings with me. Somehow, I always walk away feeling more like shit and confused wondering how the hell it happened again? How the hell, was I convinced again, that I'm always at fault? Because we can't discuss her. She took my telling her to stop as a sign that I was on her boyfriends side in front of him. That wasn't my motive. I was peace-making, as I have done for years with her! It's not healthy, but it's a cycle that I have become aware of.

Am I wrong? For what? Being angry and not being able to express it sooner? Trying to stay out of an argument, yet getting dragged in by her? For trying to finally break it up? For taking her car keys? For expressing myself to someone who should have been able to accept my emotions? For drinking socially?

I don't see anything of these things as places to apologize. I can keep my heart open and move on, but this requires more from her than it does from me. I left the door wide open to reconciliation. She did not walk through. If any of the things I did were wrong, than we are living in a world of hypocrisy. I was being real. I just didn't realize some things I should have sooner.

[ecojeanne]

hey you know what, i can pick up that you are still experiencing heightened anger and emotion about this, you will calm down at some point and then ask yourself: do i really think she was completely to blame? do i really want to end the years of friendship we have?
people say terrible things to each other in the heat of the moment, and you're still fuming. it will pass.

nobodys perfect, we all have flaws, but i think thats what people like about us. some people go through life protecting and pretty much being the aggressive dominant person in a relationship and then others are submissive and indecisive and need that kind of person to direct them. it tends to work well. but sometimes people evolve and find that they don't fit so well together anymore. this doesn't mean you should cut them out of your life, it just means cutting them back a bit. friends are important for overall wellbeing and you would likely suffer a loss if you were to let her go for good.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't know about other people, but I have never had a good response from anger expressed overtly. Only when its channeled into a problem-solving strategy. People tend to duck when you spew emotional vomit at them. Its a rare secure person who can deal with it in real time, and usually they get sick of it when its a regular occurrence.

That's not at all the same as suppressing emotions, btw, Derby.

Ygg or Hayward would be the best to comment further on this, I think.

[Mish]

Don't fight when drunk, girls. Try lesbian sex instead.

I think that lesbian sex might be an effective way to resolve this problem once and for all, by releasing all of the pent up feelings. I highly recommend this^.

[Mish]

It's healthy to express anger in a non-violent way.

Name one situation where it's healthy to express anger at the person you are arguing with in a way that won't escalate the conflict?

[misombra]

i once had a friend that was always wanting me to validate her feelings and trying to tell me how i should live my life all the time and telling me what i was doing wrong.

once.

i don't deal with that bullshit. i like to be free and left alone.

[Rollerderby]

When I dealt with my ex-boyfriend after years of shit (I'm not going into details right now, so please don't ask) and while I was pissed, and had never let it out, he stood there and accepted what I had to say, and the discussion did not escalate. It was necessary for us to be able to communicate again. We had it out, it was theraputic, and a very powerful sense of closure. I know it's a rare experience, and I am not recommending that everyone go around yelling at everyone else. I am not saying you should go into the workplace and start yelling at people. You're going to stand there and tell me you never got into a screaming match with your mother or father or siblings? Sure, it's not pretty, but it's also life. This is also not a regular occurance. This is not daily drama, for the sake of drama. Some people only know how to communicate by yelling. That's not me. This was a bizarre occasion that happened. Like a blue moon. I am usually very rational and calm with acquaintences, but when you get into any relationship deep enough with someone that you feel primal emotions: love, anger, passion, rational doesn't always work. Life would be boring with no passion. But to quote Lesa's signature, "if you can't take me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Also, have some of you forgotten that I stood there in total acceptance of her, full unconditional love? This was not me standing there telling her how much I hate her, berating her. This was "I hate you because you hurt me, but in spite of everything we have been through, I will not stop loving you." She walked away from that.

This is an occassion where my emotions should not have scared her off. There are some bonds that are stronger than an emotional outburst. But apparently, not this one. I needed to know that. I needed to know how far I could throw her. Eco, you are right, I am still mad. I did come here to vent. I hope no one mistakes that for a personal attack. There is a difference between saying "You are my problem, I hate you," and "There is a problem, I am angry, we need to have it out." Because, there is a problem with the relationship. I don't think she will be out of my life forever. But it has certainly changed the nature of our relationship. I know I am going through a lot of personal growth right now. She may not be ready to go through her own process. I think this is more likely the deeper issue, is that I am growing and she is not. I can't hate her for that, and I don't.

I can't hate her for having her own problems. But it sucks a lot that her problems have been mirrored onto me for years. And only now is it coming to light. Process that, and tell me that you won't have an emotional outburst. Especially when these things come at times you were not prepared for them.

[Rollerderby]

i once had a friend that was always wanting me to validate her feelings and trying to tell me how i should live my life all the time and telling me what i was doing wrong.

once.

i don't deal with that bullshit. i like to be free and left alone.

Misombra. In this situation, I would be you, and she would be your friend. Except that the bond that was established before I was old enough to understand what was happening. That is hard to break free from.

[1averagejoe]

The only people who should drink are happy drunks, like Illusional.

And me...especially if those two came drinking with me.

Seriously though, I turn into a supper happy drunk. But the problem is I also tend to get very annoying at times. I have a tendency to annoy a couple of my friends that are kind of uptight, so I rarely get drunk anymore.