A cry for help

**IndiReloaded** · 11-01-10, 04:52 AM

I told you--exercise. Focus on work/school/whatever.

Have you ever been through a breakup before? This sounds like your first time. Its one of those life experiences you just have to live through before it becomes clear. Trust us, tho--you WILL be fine. In a month you will feel much better. In 6 months you will wonder why you ever felt this way.

Post here to vent, its a good way to get stuff out.

**dre760** · 11-01-10, 04:55 AM

Yes this is my first long term relationship breakup.

It is honestly the worst feeling in the entire world. I would do ANYTHING to get this girl back.

We planned our entire life together. We loved each other and always talked about being together forever. I just want her to look at me like she used to =(

I just want to hold her again...

**whyme87** · 11-01-10, 05:14 AM

Hey i feel this.look mate my g/f was 21 weeks pregnant and i thought happy we were planning on a baby,our home,marriage I was very very happy and excited.
She took all that from me in a day and then got with a 'friend'

**cmacattack1** · 11-01-10, 12:32 PM

Listen to yourself. I won't give up. She is my entire life. How do I prove to her I changed?

Anything you are doing right now is hurting your chances. She wanted to be done with you and she thought about it for a while. She needs and wants space now. How have you changed in the fact that what you are doing to feed your needs, to take away your pain, to get some comfort from the only person that can make you feel better? Even if right now it hurts to break up with you and by continuing to talk to her you are bringing up the past hurt of the relationship? This is about as selfish as you can get.

Cliche catch phrase 1: She is going to feel how she feels and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that. She doesn't feel like being in a relationship with you. No letters, no talking, no chasing her down, no text messages is going to change her mind now. It's making it worse for you because the last thing she will remember of you right before you guys stop talking (and eventually you will), it will be you being needy as hell. Neediness is not attractive and you know this, so why would it bring her back? The more you chase her, the farther you are pushing her away.

This is a good time to really sit down and think about what things you did wrong in the relationship. And you identified them. Now you have to work on fixing those things. Why do you feel the need to prove them to somebody? Telling her "Hey look, look at me, look at me, I'm different" screams nothing has changed. If you have changed as a person, she would know based on your demeanor. More importantly, you wouldn't feel the need to prove them. She would know, it's recognizable to anybody that knows you. And who doesn't know you more intimately than your ex?

I know it feels like there is some last ditch effort to help fix things. But you have to understand: there is nothing you can do about it to make her want to come back to you. All you can do is increase your odds. You do this by working on yourself. A new and better you will be more desireable. You do this also by leaving her the hell alone. Make her miss you. How is she going to miss you when you are constantly showering her with attention, and unwanted attention at that. It's a weak, pathetic feeling but it is what it is.

You have to want to work on yourself for you though. Working on it for her will not get you far and you will crash and fold and want to talk to her again. None of this 2 or 3 week shit. You need to hold out as long as it takes until she's the one to contact you. Do you understand that she has to want to, and not be talked into it or poked and prodded by you. And even if she does, don't blow your cover. She has to want to start a relationship with you for it to work and it has to come of her own volition. You increase your odds by being that cool and calm changed person that you strive to be and not that person that would throw himself at her feet.

This is not about you guys anymore. Do not think in terms of that and in terms of getting back together. It didn't work the first time and why would you want to get back together and think it will be different? You have to want to start something new and it won't happen this early on. You think you have changed but you are still emotional and feeling this need for her. You do not need her to be happy. You really have to accept and understand this concept. No one person should be in control of this, you are in control of this. To be so dependant on another person makes you weak. No guarentees that they will be there for you, and when they aren't, you cannot be crippled. What you need to do is want to be with them because they make you more happy, not because you need them and can't live life without them because its pathetic and sad. There is a big difference.

**dre760** · 11-01-10, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by cmacattack1

Listen to yourself. I won't give up. She is my entire life. How do I prove to her I changed?

Anything you are doing right now is hurting your chances. She wanted to be done with you and she thought about it for a while. She needs and wants space now. How have you changed in the fact that what you are doing to feed your needs, to take away your pain, to get some comfort from the only person that can make you feel better? Even if right now it hurts to break up with you and by continuing to talk to her you are bringing up the past hurt of the relationship? This is about as selfish as you can get.

Cliche catch phrase 1: She is going to feel how she feels and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that. She doesn't feel like being in a relationship with you. No letters, no talking, no chasing her down, no text messages is going to change her mind now. It's making it worse for you because the last thing she will remember of you right before you guys stop talking (and eventually you will), it will be you being needy as hell. Neediness is not attractive and you know this, so why would it bring her back? The more you chase her, the farther you are pushing her away.

This is a good time to really sit down and think about what things you did wrong in the relationship. And you identified them. Now you have to work on fixing those things. Why do you feel the need to prove them to somebody? Telling her "Hey look, look at me, look at me, I'm different" screams nothing has changed. If you have changed as a person, she would know based on your demeanor. More importantly, you wouldn't feel the need to prove them. She would know, it's recognizable to anybody that knows you. And who doesn't know you more intimately than your ex?

I know it feels like there is some last ditch effort to help fix things. But you have to understand: there is nothing you can do about it to make her want to come back to you. All you can do is increase your odds. You do this by working on yourself. A new and better you will be more desireable. You do this also by leaving her the hell alone. Make her miss you. How is she going to miss you when you are constantly showering her with attention, and unwanted attention at that. It's a weak, pathetic feeling but it is what it is.

You have to want to work on yourself for you though. Working on it for her will not get you far and you will crash and fold and want to talk to her again. None of this 2 or 3 week shit. You need to hold out as long as it takes until she's the one to contact you. Do you understand that she has to want to, and not be talked into it or poked and prodded by you. And even if she does, don't blow your cover. She has to want to start a relationship with you for it to work and it has to come of her own volition. You increase your odds by being that cool and calm changed person that you strive to be and not that person that would throw himself at her feet.

This is not about you guys anymore. Do not think in terms of that and in terms of getting back together. It didn't work the first time and why would you want to get back together and think it will be different? You have to want to start something new and it won't happen this early on. You think you have changed but you are still emotional and feeling this need for her. You do not need her to be happy. You really have to accept and understand this concept. No one person should be in control of this, you are in control of this. To be so dependant on another person makes you weak. No guarentees that they will be there for you, and when they aren't, you cannot be crippled. What you need to do is want to be with them because they make you more happy, not because you need them and can't live life without them because its pathetic and sad. There is a big difference.

Very excellent and informative post. Thank you so much.

**cmacattack1** · 12-01-10, 06:41 AM

Sorry if it was rough, I guess I was in a bad mood or something.

I just went through exactly every single thought and instinct that you are going through right now and it makes me sick to my stomach how much damage I made, when I gave her attention when she wanted space, when I called, wrote letters, did everything. It made her more and more angry, hurt, pissed off. Some part of me almost wanted to push her to the point where she would tell me to never talk to her again, just so I could know she was completely out of my life and I could end the pain I was in. The pain I'm going through however means nothing if I had a possibility of being with her again in the future and I was too emotional and shortsighted to see my mistakes at the moment. I don't want the same for you and it sounds like you were heading down that alley.

You are going to hit rough patches. You are going to want to call her and see how she is doing and everything. It seems nice and it's true that you care, but you have to leave her to her own thoughts and decisions. Like I mentioned, it would only work if without your influence, she came to you. That's the only indicator that she truly wants you and she still has feelings for you. Any other trick or sleight of hand will not get you what you want. You need to use everything at your disposal to help you through this. Friends, activities, gym, posting on here. Concentrate the energy and time spent thinking about how to get her back into how to get your life back without her.

I'm not going to lie to you and say the odds are in your favor. You are going to be stacked up against tons of guys she hasn't had a history with, and you were already tried and failed. If you were to ever have another chance it's going to take a while (I'm talking year to years) Take everything you've learned from this relationship to heart and engrain it in your memory to the point where it becomes instinctual. So when you have a new partner in your life you won't do what you did before and you maximize your chance of finding happiness. So if you lose somebody else and are broken up again you won't react in this same way and let emotion take you over.

**FrailWings** · 12-01-10, 08:05 AM

Your major problem here is yourself, if you go around begging, pleading, promising you'll change. It's being needy. The whole idea behind NC, is scarcity, if something scarce it's valued, why is diamond valued so much, over a piece of coal, or piece of paper? Try to get your perspective back, by doing this you can try and look at your relationship from the outside and evaluate whats went wrong. Don't make excuses for yourself, of her, just what went wrong, and what could/should have been done. If she truly loves you, then by having no contact, she'll come back to you. But what's important to know is, that despite anything, if your relationship had any kind of meaning, she'll be missing you, like you miss her, maybe not as much, or maybe more.

What you're going through is physical as well as emotional, in our brains we have some called an Amygdala. This controls our fight or flight senses, now your feeling threatened because you're feeling a loss. So it's kicking into sending adrenaline around your body, at first, i bet in a blind panic, because that is what it is, panic, you sent her many texts, calls, even went down to her house. You tried to plead and beg, and you sat their, thinking of how much she means. That's the side effects of not only your Amygdala, but it's the effects of rejection. Regardless of your situation, you will get over this.

This is an important factor, it takes between 4-8 weeks for primary repression. What this means, is that, the brain is far too complex to just simply start coping with emotion. Instead it starts to "kill it off". So if you notice a dream, where she's in it, the most common one, is a nightmare of your girlfriend dying, this is your brain, erasing memories. This is how you "get over it", your brain re-organizes. However you can prevent this from happening, in your brain you'll have "cues" that set your thinking of her off. It's EXTREMELY important to learn what these "cues" are. It could be, music, a film, smells, photographs. I know it'll be hard, but cut down on these "cues", you want repression to take place.

However it's clear you want her back, and although, you've harmed your chances with pleading, begging etc. I'm guilty of it ourselves, we ALL are human, and at some stage go through this. The saying "time spent apart makes the heart grow fonder", comes to mind. If she does love you, she'll eventually call you. What'll calm you down is, it's more than likely, she misses you, as much as you miss her. So just calm it down, it doesn't matter if she gets with someone else right now, because it's HIGHLY unlikely that relationship will be successful. People move on, through moving with someone else, but that rarely works. Start NC would be my advice, and see how it goes. If it all doesn't go to plan, you WILL move on in time, i promise you.

Hang in there, we've all been through this.

**ricerocket1** · 12-01-10, 08:10 AM

Space is needed and that's why you need to give...i know its hard to not to call her or contact her but your going to do just that don't, go and improve and better yourself, do some hobbies that makes you happy, read a book doesn't matter what you do just do everything except not contacting her. i haven't contact my x for almost a month and a half...she texted me a while back about some bank keep calling her at her apt asking for me but i didn't reply...it'll get easier day by day it'll get easier.

what works for me during this whole "break up" was i went back to school, goin to the gym, and working 3 jobs. maybe if you find that you have a lot of time get a part time job trust me its better than sitting on your ass and thinking about her all the time

love shouldn't complete you but complement you, it should just add to your happiness not take over it. i wish what i know now i knew back then but this is how we learn, and that's the reason it hurts so much so we can remember it.

im in a point right now where im starting to enjoy life again, its too beautiful not to enjoy it everyday and im hoping you can be there sooner than later.

**dre760** · 12-01-10, 08:57 AM

Hey everyone. Thanks for all the responses. I have been excercising and trying my best not to think of her. As exercising does work, I still find myself praying to God that she will end up being happy with whatever she does. I just wish I could be there to see her be happy.

Although I can see myself getting better, it is still really hard for me to go on with life. We both go back to college in a week and the odds are we will run into each other. Hopefully things don't get worse between us and we only get better.

**cmacattack1** · 12-01-10, 10:35 AM

Now, there is no better time to work on yourself. You will need to, as you won't be able to fool her into thinking you are okay. Do things that make you happy, get your confidence back. When you do inevitably run into her again, you will be that happy, confident guy that she liked in the first place. As long as you are working on you and doing everything for you and not worrying about what she thinks or whatever, everything will be okay. Let her take all the steps back to you on your own. Take whatever she does say to you as it is and mirror that. I.E. she texts you to say hi, all you do is say hi back.

If you don't really feel confident and start to knot up inside because of her when you see her, just ignore her. She's no longer a part of your life and you don't need to worry about what she thinks. As long as you are doing it for you, the consequences with the two of you are irrelevant.

You are hurting and it's not going to go away anytime soon. Hanging out with your buddies and working out and everything else that you can put your energy into will get you positive results and make it better. Guarenteed.

**dre760** · 12-01-10, 10:54 AM

Thanks. Your post really made me feel better. (Probably because your post gives me a lil more hope then the other posts haha)

**cmacattack1** · 12-01-10, 12:15 PM

Do not take what I'm saying as hope that it will all work out. You have to understand your odds are very slim. This only maximizes them.

Remember, do this for you and if she wants you it's good, but if she doesn't life does move on and you will find somebody that you want in your life that makes you happy. Be you, do you and let her come to you completely unprovoked. Take it one day at a time here and it will more than likely get harder. Put all your energy into your school work, activites and everything that makes you happy.

**dre760** · 13-01-10, 05:20 AM

UPDATE: she texted me today asking for a file on my computer. We were both calm and polite towards each other. Neither of us asked about the breakup or each other.

**cmacattack1** · 13-01-10, 10:04 AM

Not a bad sign. I hope that you are keeping it to the bare minimum. Or she asks and you say okay and give it to her. No need for pleasantries and chat. Remember, it's now about building your life without her and if she wants to come back in, whenever that may be, you will know how you feel and will cross that bridge when you come to it. And that's a big IF.

**dre760** · 13-01-10, 11:40 AM

Yes I know. I kept it to a minimum but it was very hard for me. Im not getting my hopes up or anything. But I still have a box of her stuff at my house and she has some of my stuff. Sooner or later we have to exchange. I'll let her contact me when she feels she needs it back.

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