Should I give her another chance??

[Cbrider]

Ben, you just need to make it crystal clear that you wont accept her behavior or her ex in YOUR lives. He is part of your life when hes in contact with her. Like I said, you can't make her choose, all you can do is tell her what you wont accept - the ball is in her court then , and out of your control. She will come around in time one way or another, it will just be a question of whether you will accept her when she does.

[Benjwah]

Guys, all of you, thank you so much for contributing your thoughts and helping me get my head together.

One more thing, I think she acted like this not necessarily because she really wants him back or something but, that she was made so insecure from the breakup that she feels worthless. Im not a psychologist so I dont know how that all works, but shes such an amazing girl with so much potential, I wish she could see it.

But, so I know she needs to eliminate him from her life and I'm going to set that standard for myself now that I see, thanks to you guys, that that is the correct way to go, but how do I get her to realize she doesn't need that attention? Is there any way I can help here?

Maybe Im playing the white knight too much, but I care about her.

Thanks again all!

[Gigabitch]

I've broken up with a pile of men. A pile. Wonderful men, some of them, good-looking, successful, funny, sexy men. You know who I can't forget?

The clown that broke my heart 15 years ago.

I don't want him back or anything, but I keep wondering WHY things went the way they did. It's like I'm not satisfied with the ending of our particular story, probably because I had so many other things go just the way I intended them to.

She never lost before. She can't ****ing believe it. She keeps trying to change the end.

[Benjwah]

Yeah I guess I understand that. Im really competitive and can sometimes be really bad at losing too. Maybe thats why I dont want to just give her up. So what point do you think she will take that to?

I honestly believe her when she says shes in love with me. Im not sure if I believe shes over her ex.

And, does that mean there is no point in attempting to see if she can give him up?

[Gigabitch]

Well, at this point, you've broken up with her. What you have to do right now is try not to buckle or drawing those boundary lines will have been a total waste of time.

This is a good thing you're doing, believe me. You're contributing to a solid foundation to your future relationship with her.

She loves you. She'll come back. That jackass can't hold a candle to you because you treated her right and mostly because she knows, whether she realizes it or not, that you will hold yourself to the same standard you're setting for her. You're offering her a relationship on a completely different level than the one she had with Jersey Boy.

[Benjwah]

But so you basically think she'll try her luck with him again?

The whole point of the breakup was to set a boundary, even though I havent put a set standard since I havent had that chance yet, and for her to show me, without my direct influence that she does want to be in a relationship with me.

Her going back to him is my plan failing. What do you think of that?

And giga, I'll probably say this 100 times but thanks again you definitely have a lot of experience and wisdom and I really appreciate your guidance.

[Gigabitch]

Her going back to him is my plan failing. What do you think of that?

No, it would only serve your purpose. It's not like he's going to treat her well. She'll just get used again and he'll throw her aside like a dirty dishtowel as soon as he's bored. What better way to show her that there's nothing to be gained by maintaining a connection with the creep?

You don't want a girl that isn't clear about this, no matter how wonderful she is.

And giga, I'll probably say this 100 times but thanks again you definitely have a lot of experience and wisdom and I really appreciate your guidance.

More experience than wisdom, unfortunately, but thanks.

[Benjwah]

I know she would never want to admit that to me, that she wants to talk to him or see him or something to see if there is anything still there.

But honestly, I don't know if I could take her back if she needs to do that to be over him. I don't know if I could respect her.

But, maybe thats what it takes for her to be over him.

So how do you think the next process works? We're broken up but basically still planning on seeing eachother in a "dating" manner. I'm still going to present my boundary of not having anythign to do with the ex if she wants to be with me.

I guess your saying, she can only accpet that though, after she learns that there is truely nothing there?

[Cbrider]

I know she would never want to admit that to me, that she wants to talk to him or see him or something to see if there is anything still there.

But honestly, I don't know if I could take her back if she needs to do that to be over him. I don't know if I could respect her.

But, maybe thats what it takes for her to be over him.

So how do you think the next process works? We're broken up but basically still planning on seeing eachother in a "dating" manner. I'm still going to present my boundary of not having anythign to do with the ex if she wants to be with me.

I guess your saying, she can only accpet that though, after she learns that there is truely nothing there?

Whether you take her back is a choice you will make when the time comes. YOU are the only person that matters in that decision and its yours alone to make. Your a smart kid, you have your sh!t together and are stable. you will make the right choice when it comes, but you wont know what it is until it comes.

You have my respect no matter what choice you make, you're extremely level headed for your age.

[bhuff85]

I wouldn't give her another chance quite yet. What you're doing now is smart, though. Stay in contact, but keep your distance for the time begin, until she can figure out what she wants to do.

Everyone here is right - If there is any chance that you both decide to get back together, I would lay down the foundation of the relationship and let her know that talking to her ex is something that isn't appropriate when she is with you.

This is exactly why if she needs to talk to him, she should do it now. I view it as disrespectful to be involved in a relationship with someone, yet still be speaking to or seeing an ex while in that relationship.

Stay on it Ben - You're doing great so far!

[Benjwah]

Thanks guys,

I showed her this thread and she got really upset, mainly because 1) she thinks things are going to be exactly the same although we are broken up and
2) bc I said in the original post that I would entertain the thought of seeing other girls

I don't doubt that she loves me and wants to be with me, but I also don't think she's picked up the pieces from her last relationship and I think she's a little immature.

I've told her I want to be with her but she needs to get her shit straight. So, we'll see what happens.

[paul_mot]

hello,
I am sorry for what you're going through, my humble opinion is: if she is over her ex then she doesn't need to play games, she is not over him.

Leaving her might be the best solution, in life you will lose people that you love, but remember, losing them now is better than trying and losing your dignity, and in the end its very probably she will get to the same result, but this time by her dumping u for another.

I know what I wrote will not change ur mind, ur in love, and love is blind, but when you get over it, you will think that this would have been the best solution.

good luck

[Chris2009]

I think there is nothing better about people than if two are love with each other.
Two people, truly in love, don't judge, don't take revenge, don't play games, are generous ..etc, they're just all around positive and wish the whole world would be as happy as they are. To be truly in love is actaully a perfect state of mind.
What I want to say, if she really would love you would she not at least be happy that her ex IS her ex? Would it matter how he became her ex? I don't think so.

[Chris2009]

on the other hand - she is 21? Its very young, and maybe its what you said before... she might be a little immature.
How is it going?

[Benjwah]

Hey guys,

I still dont know really what to do, its an impossible situation. I love her, and I believe her when she says she loves me. But theres still shit in between us that I cant do anything about.

After I broke up with her, she wrote me this long letter about the situation with her ex. And it basically said she didnt know what her problem with him is, she said she doesnt love him, doesnt want him back, and would never let him touch her, but she cant get over the fact that she was broken up with and treated like shit by someone she cared about so much at the time.

She also said that she she thinks if she could make him regret what he did to her it would erase the pain he put her through. And its still hurting her that she means nothing to him and he doesnt care at all what shes doing. She says that she thinks that if she could just make him regret what he did and realize what he lost then she would have closure.

Which to me means, obviously, shes not yet over him. And it means we cant have a real relationship. After the letter I told her, the dude is an asshole and he obviously didnt realize what he had and theres nothing you can do to make him. Sometimes people dont feel the same way you do even if they pretend. I dont know what to do to make her realize he just doesnt care and she shouldnt either.

And I cant be with her when shes like this because to me, I dont know whta point shell take it to to try to make him realize what she has to offer.


But so now, we have still been talking and hanging out. But, i know I probably should stop that until she gets her shit together. Its just hard because I love being around her.

And Chris, yeah I do think she is immature so maybe thats what causing all of this. I dont know.