I caved in.

[qwerty123456]

I agree with Wakeup to a point.

You need closure on some things but like I said before you dont know how honest she will be. If there were any thorny issues then she may not tell you the truth not to hurt you. Or she could be truthful on things and you may doubt if she is being 100% honest. Either way, its not gonna help and you are just gonna have to accept that there are some things you'll never know the truth about.

I needed closure on so much when my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, I still do but Im slowly starting to let it all go. I think you may need to do the same.

If you're comfortable putting the convo up, go for it.

[that one guy]

I agree with Wakeup to a point.

You need closure on some things but like I said before you dont know how honest she will be. If there were any thorny issues then she may not tell you the truth not to hurt you. Or she could be truthful on things and you may doubt if she is being 100% honest. Either way, its not gonna help and you are just gonna have to accept that there are some things you'll never know the truth about.

I needed closure on so much when my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, I still do but Im slowly starting to let it all go. I think you may need to do the same.

If you're comfortable putting the convo up, go for it.

I thought I was getting to that point but I am losing sleep and have no desire to do anything; not even eat. It shouldn't be like that. All I could dream up was what she would be doing at that very moment. But, this conversation right here, has let me in on something she didn't tell me before she left so it's definitely helping in that department.

[tremolo]

You need closure on some things but like I said before you dont know how honest she will be. If there were any thorny issues then she may not tell you the truth not to hurt you. Or she could be truthful on things and you may doubt if she is being 100% honest. Either way, its not gonna help and you are just gonna have to accept that there are some things you'll never know the truth about.

This is really very true. I remember when my first boyfriend dumped me, it was horrible. I was so attached to him, and he had basically just disappeared - and this after I gave him my virginity, which I had been saving for years upon years. When Valentine's Day rolled around and I didn't even get a text message from him, I sent him a letter saying something to the effect that I sensed he was no longer into the relationship, and if so, then we should break up. He in turn wrote me a long letter telling me how he's so damaged from previous relationships he can't love anymore, how I deserve more than he can give, blah blah blah. Of course I bought it hook, line and sinker, thinking he was a really depressed person, and I continually hoped that he would change his mind and come back to me. To make a long story short, for the next few weeks, I began seeing him around the neighborhood a lot with the town skank, who he had just started a shitty band with. Months later, after my rebound relationship failed, I texted him and he agreed to meet me for drinks. He gave me some big story about how he'd quit smoking pot and his life had changed dramatically, and I thought this was my big chance to convince him to be with me. Well, you know what happened? He sat in the pub with me and wouldn't even look me in the eye for the two hours we talked. He went on and on about all the bullshit he'd been doing musically and otherwise, and when, before he left, I worked up the courage to ask him what happened to us, he gave me a bunch of bullshit again. Talked about how he couldn't be the kind of guy I wanted him to be, etc. When I told him to stop feeding me excuses, he said simply that he no longer wanted me and was looking for someone else. In the weeks ensuing, I learned that he and the said skank had been having some kind of sex and drug fest with my ex's male friend, and that he had more or less fallen in love with her. I also learned that he had begun seeing her while we were together.

I bring up this ridiculous and painful story just to emphasize that what you gain from 'closure' is not always honest, and when it is, it can be tormenting. The bullshit I was initially given had me pining away for him for months, unable to accept that the relationship was really over, and when I finally got what I wanted - the truth - I sank into a massive depression and was screwed up for several more months. If i had simply accepted that he had moved on and would not be coming back, I could have spared myself a whole lot of heartache and not wasted 6 months of my life.

I hope whatever you are gaining from talking to your ex is useful.

[tremolo]

I thought I was getting to that point but I am losing sleep and have no desire to do anything; not even eat. It shouldn't be like that. All I could dream up was what she would be doing at that very moment. But, this conversation right here, has let me in on something she didn't tell me before she left so it's definitely helping in that department.

I posted my big rant without seeing this first. I'm glad this all is proving helpful for you.

[qwerty123456]

Well thats positive then, I'm glad its helping. Let us know how it goes once you've finished talking to her.

[Nicholas_V]

ok- now you've made me curious. What did she say?

[Wakeup]

Every time I am tempted to write the ex (I deleted his phone number, but still remember his email address), I remind myself of the following: a) I've cleaned up enough of our messes, and it's his turn to extend the olive branch b) There's a good chance he doesn't want to fix things for a variety of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with me, and c) I will only look needy and dependent and neither of those things is attractive.

I am a big believer that if an ex wants to re-establish the relationship, then they will. And if for whatever reason they want to but won't or can't, then they are not good boyfriend/girlfriend material. I would personally rather be left with some questions than have any more pain heaped upon me by hearing things I don't want to hear. And anyway - what's with assuming that our exes' opinion trumps everyone else's?

Read that quote again, boyzzz ~ over and over again because you'll be reading the words of a person who will be happy and healed long before you guys are.

Well said, Tremolo... :o)

I thought I was getting to that point but I am losing sleep and have no desire to do anything; not even eat. It shouldn't be like that.

that is a part of grieving and most everyone goes through that when a loved one dies (where you will get no closure from their words) or when someone breaks up with you.

All I could dream up was what she would be doing at that very moment.

Learn some techniques on how to retrain your brain to think other thoughts... and stop listening to people who enable your wrong decision by agreeing that what you're doing is good. It is not good.. you will feel shitty again soon enough because you'll want to talk to her again.

But, this conversation right here, has let me in on something she didn't tell me before she left so it's definitely helping in that department.

Yea.. until something else pops into your mind that you can't get out of there and you get angst ridden and puky once again. Learn your own defences and quit relying on your ex to heal you. It aint ever going to work.

[that one guy]

I posted my big rant without seeing this first. I'm glad this all is proving helpful for you.

It's helped me to a degree. It's not what I want but it's for the best and it will help with the healing process, I think.

Well thats positive then, I'm glad its helping. Let us know how it goes once you've finished talking to her.

ok- now you've made me curious. What did she say?

I'll post up some of the conversation whenever we finish.

Read that quote again, boyzzz ~ over and over again because you'll be reading the words of a person who will be happy and healed long before you guys are.

Well said, Tremolo... :o)

I agree with that quote. I really do but I guess I'm a different person. Some of the stuff she's telling me may destroy another man's ego but I'm coping with it. I can't be mad at her for what she's telling me because I believe she is being honest with me. Even if she isn't, she's playing it off very well.

[Wakeup]

do yourself a favor.. quit confessing then. If you think it's the right thing for you, why come her and say "I caved in." Just do what you have to do and be happy that you've done it. Something inside you is telling you that what you did isn't the best thing to be doing or you would just do it and not have the need to hear strangers on the internet tell you that you've done the right thing.

This is what your opening post said

I went against all my better judgment and texted her today. Against everything I knew in my head and did it. I hate myself right now.

So which is it. You're doing well because you called her or you hate yourself because you did?


As always.. I wish you speedy healing and the strength to change the things you have control over.

[that one guy]

do yourself a favor.. quit confessing then. If you think it's the right thing for you, why come her and say "I caved in." Just do what you have to do and be happy that you've done it. Something inside you is telling you that what you did isn't the best thing to be doing or you would just do it and not have the need to hear strangers on the internet tell you that you've done the right thing.

As always.. I wish you speedy healing and the strength to change the things you have control over.

I do post here because there are other heartbroken individuals with similar issues or conflicting decisions going through their head. I know it helps me tremendously to read that other people are experiencing some problems at this very moment. I like to give some input whether it be positive or negative. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I don't like the pat on the back or the kind words reassuring me that I should pursue her. Who wouldn't? I do take every thought and emotion into play. Let's face it, 9 times out of 10, emotion trumps all. We all have moments of weakness and I'll admit them. I'll admit this may have been a mistake and I probably will regret it later but I am beginning to have some sense of closure... more so that she continues to talk about this new guy and I'm just being genuinely okay with it. I can't say how I'll be in the coming days but it helps to know that at one point, I was okay with it all. Once again, I value everyone's opinion and hope I receive more. Whether they be with me or against me, everything will aid in the thought process next time.

[Purrzzzzzz]

yeah.. for a few days, before I came here, I felt totally alone.. completely isolated.. sure I could talk to my friends (AGAIN) who were not going thru what I was going thru.. I knew I wasnt the only one, but it damn sure felt that way..and then I found this forum.. so for all those who feel that we are being ridiculous posting here.. tough. whether we are right or wrong, it is helping us.. and we have also found a few friends in the process..

[Wakeup]

Try posting to help others through their grief.. that is very helpful in you getting through your own. That I will agree with. But, if you keep posting about your own stuff.. Just like your real friends.. people in here will start to ignore you and the next thing you know, all you'll have answering you is people who are just like you and stuck in their grief and it just becomes one big circle jerk where you all just cum on one another with your sad and negative emotions and your healing stops. Doing the same thing over and over thingy, ya know?

There comes a time when you have to just get on with being the best you that you can be and forget about people who no longer want you.

[Purrzzzzzz]

Try posting to help others through their grief.. that is very helpful in you getting through your own. That I will agree with. But, if you keep posting about your own stuff.. Just like your real friends.. people in here will start to ignore you and the next thing you know, all you'll have answering you is people who are just like you and stuck in their grief and it just becomes one big circle jerk where you all just cum on one another with your sad and negative emotions and your healing stops. Doing the same thing over and over thingy, ya know?

There comes a time when you have to just get on with being the best you that you can be and forget about people who no longer want you.

I agree with a lot that you say, as you can see by the 'thanks'.. for some of us, our posts are changing over time.. but at least for me, I will still be here to help the ones that fall right back into the quicksand (as I have also done) and it would be nice to not be contradicted on everything I say...

[Wakeup]

I'm countering your opinion with one of my own. One that has been used to help people heal successfully for many, many years. You reply to what I have said then afford me the same priveledge, eh?

I do not mean anything personal to you in general. Don't take it that way. You think you help by patting on the back and such which is nice at first.. IMO but not for ever. As I said, there comes a time when you just have to accept an move on because if you don't you'll just take longer to get to the point where you'd like to meet someone who will love you back the way you can love them. Nas pa?

[Purrzzzzzz]

I'm countering your opinion with one of my own. One that has been used to help people heal successfully for many, many years. You reply to what I have said then afford me the same priveledge, eh?

I do not mean anything personal to you in general. Don't take it that way. You think you help by patting on the back and such which is nice at first.. IMO but not for ever. As I said, there comes a time when you just have to accept an move on because if you don't you'll just take longer to get to the point where you'd like to meet someone who will love you back the way you can love them. Nas pa?

fair enough